What Have I Done
Rating: M
Word Count:
Pairing: Sam/Emily
Summary: Ever wonder of the story behind Emily's scars? Or how Sam felt when it all happened? Or why Sam imprinted on Emily? Emily a Shy, Strong Minded Girl and Sam an Angry, Closed off guy. How will She help him in the end?
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, by all rights it is owned by Stephanie Meyer.
Sam's POV
My life is like a horror story or a nightmare, the type of nightmare where you know you are awake yet you cannot wake up. My life changed from the simple life to this, whatever this is. Three months ago, I was a simple man with a simple life. I had a fiancé, Leah. We were planning to be wed in the fall. I had also earned a scholarship to Washington State. Then, one night, everything changed. Leah and I were arguing again over wedding details. Apparently I was not helping her enough, and she demanded that I spend more time helping her. I had been having a tough week with hot flashes and growing pains, and my anger was on a very short leash. I couldn't remember what was said, but I know that we were yelling, and then I was shaking.
I ran as fast as I could through the forest to get home, but I hadn't made it before I fell to my knees in intense pain. It felt like a fire was slowly making its way through my body, burning my bones muscle and taking the skin with it. I screamed in agony, gripping my hair with both hands before the shakes got worse and caused me to fall down on all fours. I screamed again as I heard a crack, but my scream turned into a howl and then silence.
When I looked down, I was shocked to see paws. Two gigantic, black wolf paws. It took me two months to figure out how to change back into a human. Two months of hunting in wolf form and eating raw deer. Two months of solitude. Two whole painstakingly long months to come across Billy Black, who told me how to change back. It took me a full hour to change back into the human I once was and to remember how to walk and talk.
After that, Billy, Harry and Old Quil explained to me what I was and what my duty was to this tribe. The worst of it all was that I was told I couldn't be with Leah anymore due to something called imprinting. The word, still bitter in my mind, was the word and the very thing besides the leeches that fucked up my entire existence. I was not to leave the reservation as the wolf gene had been activated. It was thoroughly messed up; I was tied to this place and my dreams are now just that, dreams. I learned the next day that Leah had spent every day looking for me, and her cousin Emily had come down to help support her and plan the wedding.
When I finally made my way over to the Clearwater's a week later, my life and my entire world was changed. Leah had heard that I had been found and that I was coming over. I could hear her pacing on the porch as I walked down the path to her place. When my eyes met hers, I took a deep breath and exhaled in a huff, my shoulders sagging with grief as I realised she was not my imprint. She was not meant for me, and Harry's warning filled my mind again. You cannot draw this out, Sam; to help protect her and to make her heal faster, you must leave her. I remember her running down the stairs in complete happiness; her eyes were glowing with joy, love and relief before she threw herself around me and kissed me. I remember me pulling back and speaking, my heart clenching with agony as I watched her face crumple in pain and heartbreak before transforming into rage. I remember her screaming as she kicked and punched me before the door opened and the most beautiful creature I had ever seen ran out.
It was as if a million strong fibres were grounding me to her. All was silent for a moment, and all of my worries disappeared. Nothing mattered more to me than her: not Leah, not the Reservation, not anything. She was now my anchor, my light and my guardian angel. The days following that night were tough. Leah refused to speak to me and to hear my apologies. Emily, after finding out what I was and what I did, refused to speak to me as well, trying to completely ignore the imprint.
All this lead me to now, to here, to the cliffs. I was not thinking about suicide. I was thinking in general to clear my thoughts and to help ease the agony and self-loathing in my heart. My skin was vibrating with the need to phase and run, but I was holding back. I didn't want to be a monster, to be a creature that all kids fear, a thing that goes bump in the night. No, I wanted to be Sam Uley: the human, the fiancé to Leah Clearwater. I wanted my life to remain the same as it had always been. But no, Taha Aki had a cruel fate for me and gave me this curse that made me choose the wrong girl. I gripped my chest in agony as I thought ill of my Emily.
"Sam?" My head whipped around at the soft voice of my Emily, who was standing at the forest edge where the path ended.
"What do you want, Emily?" I spat out angrily. It was not on purpose, of course, and I think she knew that as she came and sat next to me. My wolf calmed slightly as I looked at her. Her face was smooth and illuminated by the moon, and her eyes were closed. A small smile played on her face as the ocean wind blew her hair around. She was truly beautiful and I couldn't curse Taha Aki for cursing me with the woman who would forever be mine.
"I came to see if you were alright. It's been two days since anyone has seen you," she whispered softly as she turned her wise deep brown eyes to me.
"It's not like anyone cares about me," I told her bitterly, turning my head so I didn't have to stare into her eyes.
"That's not true!" she cried out, which caused me to growl.
"It is, Emily. YOU didn't want me. I hurt Leah, I DESTROYED her heart, and I BETRAYED her!" I roared, my tremors getting worse. I knew she needed to move away or I would accidently hurt her.
"I'm sorry, Sam. I realised that it was foolish of me to try and deny this. I've come to realise that I'd like to give this a go. I want to be with you, and I want to love you," she whispered.
My body was trembling to the point that it looked like I was having a seizure. "WHAT? SO, FIRST YOU TELL ME YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, FOR LEAH'S SAKE, AND NOW YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME?" I shouted, my wolf enraged. I stood up and got ready to leave but was stopped by Emily's small hand on my arm.
"Please, Sam, I'm willing to try. Leah will be okay. I need you," she whispered softly, tears forming in her eyes and threatening to spill over.
I don't need yo,u Sam. I can't do this to Leah… I don't need you… I don't need you… Her words from the other day were swarming around in my mind, causing me to snap. My body shook with violent tremors and waves of heat. I could faintly hear Emily crying, begging for me to calm down and understand, but it was too late to calm down. I screamed to the sky, my arms thrown back and to the side before I hunched over in pain as my bones began to snap and realign.
I was confused. I couldn't think straight as I jumped forward, landing on my paws. A bloodcurdling scream filled the air, full of pain and anguish. The man in me knew what it was, but the wolf did not. At least, not until his eyes turned to see his mate, his spirit wife, curled up on the ground screaming and holding her face. Small rivers of crimson flowed through her fingers and down her arm, dripping onto the earth, the sacred earth where so many had died before.
The wolf knew he had hurt her, and he howled in agony at the pain of his spirit wife. His sorrowful howls alerted the elders that something happened; they were already at Sam's waiting for his return.
I took control quickly and transformed back, not giving a fuck whether or not I was naked. Emily was in pain and… NO! my mind screamed as my eyes saw and my ears heard that she was not moving or crying. Agony clenched my heart as my arms wrapped around her small frame, only breathing a sigh of relief as I heard her breathe and her heart beat.
How could I do this to her? I should have run away, ignoring her pleas. Now she is seriously hurt. I let my eyes scan her face; the image would forever be etched into my mind. Her once perfectly smooth face was now slashed from the temple down to her lip. Her arm was shredded as well. Tears fell as I ran home with her cradled tightly in my arms, her blood painted across my chest and arms.
I could see the elders in my living room through the side window, and Sue was just leaving as I ran down the lane.
"SUE!" I screamed, my voice cracking with pain. Her grey eyes found me in an instant at the sound of her name, and they widened with panic and horror as she saw her broken niece lying in my arms. She rushed over to me and gasped at the sight as the light of the porch hit Emily's face.
"What happened? SAM, WHAT HAPPENED!" Sue yelled frantically as she opened the door for me. Harry rushed over at the panic in his wife's voice and gasped as well.
"She was too close. We were fighting and she was too close," I sobbed as I laid her gently on the couch. I fell to my knees burrowing my face into my hands and did the thing I swore I would never do: I cried, I cried uncontrollably in front of everyone.
"Yes, yes, she was attacked by a bear. No, we won't be going to Forks General Hospital. Okay, thank you," I heard Billy say into the phone before his chair rolled over towards me.
"The paramedics will be here in 10 minutes. I told them that she was attacked by a bear and you saved her and carried her here," he whispered softly while resting his frail yet strong hand on my shoulder. I nodded to let him know that I had heard him before crawling over to take Emily's small hand in mine.
After that everything was a blur. I saw the ambulance arrive and cart Emily off. I remembered sitting in the back holding her hand as the male worked over her to keep her wounds stable until we reached the hospital. I remembered waiting in the hospital and being numb for hours before we were all finally allowed to go to her room. Her parents were coming down in a few days; they had to tie things up there so they could come look after Em for a while.
"The surgery went well. We managed to clean up the cuts and sew them shut, but there will always be scars," the doctor said remorsefully and I cringed as I strode over to the small plastic chair near the window. I couldn't help it. I ungracefully plonked myself down in the chair and softly took hold of Emily's hand. I don't know how she will ever forgive me for this. How could someone so sweet and loving ever forgive and love a monster like me?
The first time I ever spent the day with Emily, the day she told me that she couldn't do this, I saw my life with her. I could feel the changes she brought out in me. She was so shy at first that I didn't know what to do. She would blush whenever I told her that she was beautiful and then scolded me for making her blush. It was the first time in a long time that I laughed so freely. I was always so reserved with Leah and everyone else after my mother died.
Now my life looked so lonely, filled with pain and self-hate. I hated myself for what I did. The agony and anguish in me squeezed my heart painfully, and the tears threatened to spill once again. I would spend my forever making this up to her.
A week went by and Emily was still asleep. I only ever left to get food and bathe. This of course was when I was forced out by Harry or Sue. I had hardly slept a wink that whole week and when I did manage to sleep, I woke up gasping for breath from the nightmare that seemed to be playing over and over again.
"Sam?" My head shot up at my name to see Emily looking at me sadly and confused.
"Emily, oh Emily, I'm so sorry," I sobbed into the bed, feeling her bandaged hand run softly through my hair.
"It's okay Sam; it's not your fault. I shouldn't have provoked you when I saw you walk to the forest," she whispered, lifting my chin so my eyes met hers. They were so full of love and forgiveness that I choked and started to cry again.
"How could you ever forgive me? You'll be scarred for life, Em. I hurt you, but I promise I'll spend every day of my life trying to make this up to you," I told her between sobs. She cooed to me telling me it was okay.
"I forgive you because I love you Sam, no matter what you do. I'll live with the scars. They won't matter to me because it's what's in here that counts," she whispered as she laid my hand on her chest above her heart.
"Kwop kilawtley," I whispered as I placed my head gently into the crook of her neck.
"I will," she whispered back just as softly as I had spoken and I knew that, from now on no matter what the struggle, I'll always have Emily to stand by me. She's the missing part of my life and of my soul; she's my opposite but my whole.