Left Behind

Disclaimer: The Star Wars universe and characters belong to Lucasfilm. I'm just playing with them.

Notes: Takes place right after TPM in an AU world where Obi-Wan killed Maul but Qui-Gon did not die. Obi-Wan, however, is taken by Sidious who experiments with ways to turn him to the dark side, while Qui-Gon moves on and begins to train Anakin. When Sidious suceeds, Obi-Wan sets out for revenge on the man and people who abandoned him. Qui/Obi angst, although non-slash.

Review and flames are always more than welcome. Feedback is great, both good and bad (and hopefully constructive).

The eternal city of spires was dying. The glow this world had carried for so long was fading, condemning the name Coruscant into nothing but an unfortunate misnomer. Smoke embraced the cityscape, weaving in and out among places that had once carried life and laughter.

A distant cry in the Temple; a plea for mercy.

Sudden silence. Mercy denied.

The children were already dead.

Hate-filled eyes turned on him -- hadn't they once belonged to his closest friend?

He was responsible for all this; he knew it intuitively. There was no one else to blame for all the destruction and the pain, because there was simply no one else left.

He was alone.

( 1 )

He opened his eyes guardedly, blinking rapidly as he willed the images away. They came to him nightly, always stalking the outskirts of his consciousness and ready to overwhelm his mind the moment he was no longer strong enough to fight them.

He had long ceased finding comfort in the knowledge that they were merely dreams, for they held an unspeakable reality in their nature that tracked him in the waking world. His surroundings had certainly made matters easier for the madness, as he realized that he had begun to forget just how long he had been trapped in these guarded quarters.

The concept of sunlight had become an abstraction to him. The walls of his cell were uneven, but they yielded no openings through which he could observe the waking world. Worse, by far, was the response of the Force whenever he attempted to find reassurance that there was still life beyond this cave.

Its bitter and abject rejection was familiar by now. He always looked for the Light in it, and all he found was a cruel hum of dismissal, as if he were a fool to even try. He had begun to doubt his methods, wondering if he even had a place in this world any longer. Perhaps he had crossed into the next life already, and this was the universe's way of breaking him until his essence was forgotten and he became a miscellaneous collection of atoms in the cosmos.

A throb in his temple interrupted his musings, forcing him to double over. He had been blissfully unaware of his physical self up until now, as a rush of sudden pain pricked its way through his body, reminding him that he had one. Fingers and toes made themselves known, but he wished it all away, for the ache was incredible. Panic filled him as he began to cough in the dark, his hand coming away with a splatter of sticky substance. He tasted blood in his mouth and wondered if the rest of his innards were to follow.

When the fit was over, he curled up shaking in the tightest corner of his cell. As his body began to escape the effects of the drug, he knew that the rest of his mind would slowly awaken with it. This was the part he dreaded most, where the inevitable remembrance of a wasted and failed life set in.

He had been a disappointment to Qui-Gon.

It was always the first name that came back to him. Everything in his moral universe seemed to center on the opinions of this one man, this Jinn. Sometimes he could not remember why his approval was so important; why did he always seek to please this man?

How could you let this happen, Obi-Wan? It was all your fault. You carry the blood of many on your hands.

No, how could this Jinn blame him for what he saw in the visions? They weren't real and Jinn existed in this reality, didn't he?

But he still hadn't come. Obi-Wan was sure that somewhere, sometime this Jinn had cared for him, so why had he not come for him yet?

Still shaking, Obi-Wan turned on his back and stared up emptily into the darkness above. Perhaps the visions were real and he was the ancient old man in them; the one the galaxy held culpable for what had been done to it. Perhaps he had really single-handedly killed the Jedi and democracy, and Qui-Gon had washed his hands of him in loathing. In the dark it was impossible to tell where reality ended and his nightmares began. Everywhere he looked, he saw Galactic City burning and bodies strewn about haphazardly, cast aside like childrens' dolls as icy blue eyes looked on coldly, disappointment written in them.

"No, I did not do this." His broken voice sounded misplaced in the dark where it seemed that only silent madness and the visions it brought belonged.

A sudden touch on his cheek froze him. Pitying hands brushed his hair away from his eyes gently, and a voice shushed him. He did not know the presence and had not sensed anyone with him, but by now he was used to being surprised. The Force had declined to soothe or aid him for a long time now.

He did not care whose touch it was, for it brought him an oddly-calming sense of comfort. The being who held him felt in control and utterly powerful; an absolute master of its surroundings.

"Qui-Gon?" he ventured softly, reaching blindly to touch the other.

His hands met only the soft folds of a cloak as his question was answered; "No."

The voice was low and Obi-Wan sensed that it held many secrets, but he felt an odd kinship with its owner, the only being who had shown him kindness in his recent memory. Not that there were anything more than a few garbled impressions left to comprise this memory.

The only thing he could associate with the image of Qui-Gon was a poignant sense of abandonment; a feeling that he had been waiting for years and that no one had come for him yet..

"Where is he?"

"You know where he is," the voice purred gently. "I am the only one here -- is that not worth something to you?"

Obi-Wan ignored the question, for another face had joined Qui-Gon's in his mind; that of a young boy with straw-blonde hair and a perky smile. The boy was running about a garden of fountains enthusiastically, daring the older man to chase him. Qui-Gon merely looked on, shaking his head; "I'm too old for this, Anakin."

The boy was not him, Obi-Wan realized with a pang. This memory was not his own. "He has forgotten me."

The one who held him rocked him gently back and forth, but Obi-Wan roughly pushed away with a strength that he had not been sure he possessed.

"This is your doing," he accused the dark, beginning to put the pieces together. He felt like he had gone through all these motions before. Time and again he woke up after the nightmares, having forgotten reality only so that he could slowly remember anew until the pain in his chest was raw and fresh. What was being done to him? Why had Qui-Gon not come for him yet?

How many times did he have to live through the nightmares before his master came back?

"He is no longer your master," the other reminded him patiently.

"How would you know?" Obi-Wan demanded. "You do not know him; he would not leave me here to die."

"Obi-Wan," the voice breathed his name for the first time. "You have woken up sick and alone every day for more than a year now; and always, he is not here to help you. But I am -- you know that I would not abandon you."

"Who are you?" Obi-Wan demanded. "Let me see you; I need to see your face! Why can't I see anything? How long have I been in the dark? Let me out; sweet heavens, just let me out!" With every word, his voice rose in volume and urgency. He began to circle the tight cell, feeling his way with desperate hands.

"And where would you go? Back home, to the Jedi?" The other spit the last word out with contempt. "You have seen how much they care for you."

"It must be a mistake. Everything is a lie in here; I cannot see, I don't know what's real."

"If you leave, everything you dream will come true. Your reality will become far worse than your nightmares. What does the Force tell you, Obi-Wan? You know that I do not lie."

"I no longer sense the Force," he whispered, slumping once more. "I am lost."

"You believe that the Force has abandoned you, but it is the other way round. You only recognize its light side, as the Jedi so succinctly put it." There was sarcasm now in the tone of the other. "In doing so, you reject the Force as a whole because you ignore its other, greater part."

Obi-Wan hissed in alarm; "I know you now, deceiver. I know why you hide from me."

"It is you who hides from your true self. You are blinding yourself to the proper ways of the universe. You know you sensed the true power of the Force when you killed my apprentice because you drew on it -- the forbidden side saved your life and that of another who was once precious to you."

"No."

"You felt its strength running through you and when you sensed its full power, it frightened you. You have tried to forget, but you know you can never again understand the Force as you once did, as a Jedi, because now you have seen its true nature. Until you recognize this, you will continue to sense nothing."

Obi-Wan felt that something would be better than nothing, but he refused to accept the words of the other. "You're evil," he whispered.

"Spoken like a true narrow-minded Jedi." The voice of the other had become suddenly cruel with mockery. "But you can no longer be a Jedi once you have known the other side. If you wish to be whole again, you must accept the Force for what it is."

"I won't."

"Stubborn child," the other sighed. "What else is left for you? Everything and everyone you ever loved have cast you aside. When will you stop making excuses for the Jedi? For Qui-Gon Jinn?"

Obi-Wan was silent for a time, although he sensed the other moving around the cell and envied him for being able to navigate the insufferable darkness.

He drew back harshly as he felt a cool point prick forehead; "What are you doing? No, stop! Please, not again!"

The voice of the other held no true remorse as he pressed the needle into Obi-Wan's temple; "I am sorry, dear one, but this must be done. We were so close this time to making you understand."

"No, please, I don't want to see it again!" Anything to not see them die all over again.

"Would you rather live it?" The other asked, injecting the drug with a fierce push. "If you continue to resist, it will be your reality. Do you want to feel this way forever, Obi-Wan? Stop denying your true self and avoid a lifetime of regret and agony. Answer to no one but yourself. You can make the world your dream, not your nightmare."

Obi-Wan screamed as his consciousness fell away from reality.

Coruscant was burning and it was his fault. He saw the world end all over again, with no one to blame but himself.

When he awoke and remembered, the other was still there to comfort and guide him. He could resist no longer for he had grown tired of living with his insanity. Anything was better than living like this. Everything he had ever loved had turned its back on him, so he would turn his back on it.

He flung himself open obediently to the universe and felt his veins flow with the uninhibited power that he had denied for so long.

The world flooded with new light.

…………………………………………………………..

Qui-Gon Jinn jolted upright, gasping desperately for breath.

He was lying in a heap on the ground, twisted in his bed sheets. Gritting his teeth, he placed a hand to his temple and willed the unexpected throb to leave. Something had tightened in his chest and cut off the flow of air to the rest of his body. Pulling himself up, he crawled to a window and flung it open with all his remaining strength. He leaned against the sill and inhaled the chill night air of Coruscant until he felt the ache lessen.

It had been a long time since he had dreamt of Obi-Wan, and more than a year since the Council had forced him to call off the futile search for his missing apprentice. Qui-Gon had thought he was past the nightmares by now.

"Master? Is everything all right?"

A sleepy child stood behind him, wiping the exhaustion from his eyes. Qui-Gon willed himself to offer a gentle smile; "I'm fine, Anakin. I just had a dream."

"Oh." The boy quirked his head to the side; "Can I help?"

Qui-Gon placed an affectionate hand on the boy's shoulder, "No, child. Go back to sleep."

Knowing better than to argue, Anakin complied, already half-asleep by the time he reached his bed. Left alone, Qui-Gon turned back to the window and stared out at the stars.

He did not sleep for the rest of the night, unable to shake the vision of a green-eyed child staring at him with loathing and asking why he had been left behind.