-Random, sappy theme music plays-
Eowyn spins around in a flouncy green dress and smiles at the camera while it slowly zooms in. In a cinematic overlay, we then see Aragorn look at Eowyn, she looks over her shoulder at Aragorn and then at Faramir who randomly appeared in the shot….
We now see Legolas running away from Susan who is wearing a ridiculously puffy and huge wedding dress, but trips and falls because of the voluminous pannier. Merry and Pippin are sitting on a low stone wall watching Susan struggle to get up.
Frodo shuffles around aimlessly with Sting dancing around behind him. Sam is following them carrying a plate of cinnamon rolls. Merry and Pippin tackle Sam and begin devouring said cinnamon rolls.
Galadriel and Celeborn are shown next, Celeborn is deliberately not looking at Galadriel. Boromir looks down at his chest and suddenly there's an arrow sticking out of it, he adopts a what the eff look before going off in a huff.
Isildur is shown looking up terrified at Sauron. He grabs the closest thing to him, the sword which is given one heck of a crappy zoom in shoot, picks it up and slices off Sauron's ring finger with it, dramatic music is played.
"Ow! What the hell!" Sauron yelled.
"Sorry, but you were going to kill me." Isildur shrugged.
"No I wasn't! I was just going to plunge my sword into the ground for dramatic effect, not kill you! Ow man, what the hell?" Sauron said before storming off.
Elrond ran up to Isildur, all sweaty and filthy from killing lots of things. "Quickly we must go to Mount Doom and cast the ring into the fire!"
"Can we do it tomorrow? I'm tired." Isiludr complained.
"No."
So the two men walked up to Mount Doom. Isildur stood on the conveniently located bridge and stared down at the lava.
"Cast it into the fire already!" Elrond yelled at him.
"But, I don't want to. I've never had any jewelry in my life, and this ring is pretty nice."
"No, that is not how the story is supposed to go! You have to throw it in!"
"I think it's real gold Elrond." Isildur bit the ring. "Ow. Yep, it's real gold. I'm keeping it." And with that, Isildur walked out of Mount Doom with the ring.
Elrond fell to his knees. "Noooo!" He cried out shaking his fists at the sky. The camera zooms out slowly.
Arwen is wandering around aimlessly in her bedroom at Rivendell, "Oh, Erestor, do you think Aragorn will live through this perilous journey?"
Erestor looked at his reflection in one of Arwen's many mirrors in her room, "Huh? I don't know." He picked up one of her many tiaras and tried it on, "How do I look?"
Arwen glanced over her shoulder, "Not as good as me."
"You know, if you keep insulting me then you'll have no one to talk to…and then you'll be alone," Erestor sighed then switched the tiara for a pair of dangly sparkly earrings.
"He's so manly, he bathes in dirt you know, that's how manly he is. Oh, I just love him!"
"The first time you met he thought you were Luthien and you hated him."
"Well, yes-"
"You wanted to kill him, remember? You were about to order that battle axe and everything," Erestor admired himself in the mirror, "These earrings make my eyes sparkle!"
"But now I love him and want to marry him," Arwen defended herself, "I'm ok with watching him grow old while I look forever young."
"Are you ok with giving him lots of babies? Cause your body is gonna go through the mill if you do."
"Yes, but I'm an elf, so it'll just snap back to normal-"
"Like elastic!" Erestor interrupted, Arwen shot him a look of deep disgust.
"Frodo of the Shire, you must leave Bag End by the 30th of September!" Gandalf said dramatically.
"Why?"
"Er, because if you don't nazgul will come and er, tear down your house, yeah, that's it. They'll tear it down but first they'll make it all messy and leave their dirty socks everywhere," Gandalf shifted in his chair uncomfortably.
"No! Not socks!" Frodo cried.
"Yes, socks, and really greasy food too, they'll leave Mutton King wrappers everywhere."
"But I like my house."
"And the nazgul will too, if you don't leave soon," Gandalf took a sip of tea.
"But I just got the curtains to match the rug in the living room, and I just got lovely new granite countertops-"
"Which are porous so bacteria will live in it and no matter how hard you scrub the counters will never be clean." Gandalf interrupted.
"Fine," Frodo said through gritted teeth, "I would have gotten stainless steel now that I have been informed but you just had to tell me that I gotta move." He sighed, "Who's going to look after the house while I'm gone?"
"Fatty Bolger could."
"Hell no, I invited him over once and he got food in places I thought you never could. I spent weeks scrubbing the little crevices in between the floorboards. How he got food in the curtain rods I'll never ever know."
"You'll find someone I'm sure. Perhaps a certain old wizard might do?" Gandalf said as nonchalantly as he could.
"You're absolutely right! I'll call Sarumon on the phone right now! Oh wait, phones haven't been invented yet, eh, I'll just send him a letter." Frodo bustled out of the room.
"Frodo I didn't mean-" Gandalf began but was cut off by Frodo slamming the door to the writing room.
-First commercial break!
Glorfindel pops up on screen, "Hello all you people out there. Are you tired of trying to find someone to go on a date with but have absolutely no connection with them whatsoever so there are lots of awkward silences?" Glorfindel leaned towards the camera and whispered, "Every time there's an awkward silence, an orc is born!"
Then Glorfindel leaped up onto a stage, 'Well then, come on the dating game! We give you three bachelors or bachelorettes depending on your preference, you ask them some questions, get rid of the guys you don't like and by the end of the show, you got a gorgeous piece of man/woman flesh hanging on your arm. Isn't that great? Besides if it's not, it's hilarious and it sells." Glorfindel said the last sentence with a very stern look on his face.
-End of commercial!-
"You forgot to bring GPS didn't you Sam?" Frodo said, the two hobbits were standing right outside Farmer Maggot's veggie patch.
"No, no, absolutely not, I have it right in…Bag End. Where the nazgul probably are now, making your house dirty with socks." Sam hanged his head in shame.
"And beer, nazgul love beer." Pippin emerged from right out of Farmer's Maggot's garden with a huge basket full of veggies.
Frodo groaned. "I forgot about beer, that house is gonna smell like a frat house! By the way, what are you guys doing here? How did you find me?"
Merry followed Pippin, "Oh, hi Frodo, Sam. We were just following you guys for the past couple of chapters, isn't that great?"
"And stalkerish." Pippin added.
"Why are you guys following us?" Frodo asked.
"Because…" Merry shuffled his feet. "We were…bored and stuff."
"Plus we heard that you left your house and we wanted to know if it's true." Pippin said cheerfully. "But then we heard you telling Sam all those things and we want to go too. We want eternal glory and to meet hot elves and stuff." Merry gave Pippin a look as if to say "Shut up. Now."
"No. You guys are not coming with us." Frodo said.
"Please?" Merry asked.
"No."
"Please?"
"I said no."
"Please?"
"You guys are going to keep asking me until I say yes, aren't you?"
"Yes!" Merry and Pippin said in unison.
The scene cuts and now the hobbits are in The Prancing Pony. Aragorn sits next to them at their table.
"I know who you are, Frodo of the Shire." Aragorn said with his hood up.
"Nazgul!" Frodo shouted and tried to stab Aragorn.
"Whoa, hey no! I'm not a nazgul! Gandalf asked me to look after you guys!"
"Oh how nice of him." Pippin said, "How long have you been following us then?"
"I er, haven't been following you at all."
"Don't lie Strident we know that something was following us since that pit stop 3 days ago." Merry said.
Butterbur bustled up to them with several tankards of beer. "I've made up your beds and everything. Oh and something in a black cloak asked about you Mr. Underhill."
Frodo did a spit take. After taking a deep breath he managed to say, "And what did you tell them?"
"I told him you were staying here of course! He was a quiet nice chap, but a bit odd. Anyways I told him you were here and he asked me if there was any possibility that there would be Strident here too, so I said yes and he rode off to go get his friends, he said he'd be back soon enough, isn't that nice? They must be old friends of yours. Very anxious to talk to you."
Frodo face palmed. "Butterbur you are the stupidest person I have ever met."
"Thank you Mr. Underhill!" Butterbur said and walked off.
"There is only one thing left to do." Aragorn said sternly.
"You don't mean?" Sam said in an awe struck voice.
"Yes. I do. We must take the secret exit to Rivendell! Follow me dear hobbits!" Aragorn leapt up and ran into the wall. "Argh, wrong secret exit, ok now follow me hobbits!" Aragorn got up and ran out into the street, lifted up a hobo who started shouting nonsense at Aragorn and (Aragorn) jumped down into a hole. The hobbits followed.
"Oh wow." Merry said as they climbed out of a hole in the middle of Rivendell. It was suddenly daylight and mid fall. Several elves rolled their eyes as the rest of the party climbed out, as if it happened every day that a man and 4 hobbits climbed out of a hole in the middle of Rivendell.
"Welcome dear hobbits to Rivendell!" Aragorn said.
"Does Elrond know that you're here?" Glorfindel asked, suddenly leaping down from a tree.
"No! But it's cool, Elrond loves me like a son." Aragorn replied cheerfully and lead the hobbits into the entrance hall of Rivendell. "Hey Elrond, we're here!"
Several minutes later Elrond, looking slightly disheveled walked up to them. "I told you to stop crashing here Aragorn, for Illuvatar's sake, you're 80 something years old, not a college frat boy. Oh, you brought hobbits. I'd better tell the cooks. Illuvatar knows what it was like last time we had hobbits here, nealy ate us out of house and home."
After they had all gotten settled in, the hobbits found one of the most unlikely people they thought would ever show up in Rivendell: Bilbo who was having a little nap under a tree until the hobbits woke him up.
"Bilbo!" Frodo cried and hugged the elderly hobbit.
"What the? Oh Frodo it's you. Great." Bilbo muttered. "You know, I came here to get away from you people right?"
"Oh please, how could you possibly want to be away from us?" Merry said, he Pippin and Sam all smiled in a creepily annoying way.
"Aragorn." Arwen fluttered her eyelashes.
"Yes Arwen."
"I chose a mortal life."
"That's great Arwen."
"No Aragorn I don't think you understand." Arwen sighed in an overly dramatic way, "I choose a mortal life."
"I know my little turtle dove." Aragorn said.
"Hunny bun." Arwen replied, they continued in this way for a few minutes but the author was too sick from sappy cuteness that she almost died.
"I promise to marry you Arwen." Aragorn looked her right in the eyes.
"That's nice, but Elrond is going to send you on a nearly impossible quest that you might not come back from."
"Thanks Arwen." Aragorn said sarcastically.
"You're welcome my sun and stars."
-Commercial break-
Galadriel appears on TV. She looks at the audience and says in a very dramatic tone "You wanna be on top?"
And then the fellowship of the ring along with Eomer, Faramir, Grima, Gollum and Elrond all started modeling and smizing. Then a voice over came on and said, "Tolkien's next Top Model, 9 PM Shire time."
-End of commercial break-
Frodo walks into the dining hall in Elrond's house. The first thing he notices is all the tall elfy people around. The next thing he notices is the dwarves not killing the elves and the third thing was:
"Oh wow, this doll looks almost real. How'd they get it to look so lifelike?" Frodo reached out to touch Arwen's arm.
"Yes, I am real, I'm also very beautiful." Arwen said.
Frodo screamed like a school girl and leapt back. "You're alive!"
"Yes, I'm also very beautiful." Arwen said, unblinking. The camera zooms in closer to her face, then switches to Frodo's terror stricken face, then back to Arwen before:
Two wizards and a lion are sitting at a bar. One of the wizards is dressed in grey whilst the other is dressed in an array of colours. The lion looks at the two wizards and then drains his glass nosily. He has a straw by the way, because he can't pick anything up with those lion paws of his.
"Hey Gandalf, don't you have to be somewhere?" The wizard in bright colours asks.
"You know what Dumbledear, at my age you just don't give a damn." Gandalf clapped Dumbledore on the shoulder. Aslan the lion nodded in agreement.
The next day the council of Elrond was meeting and obviously Erestor did not do a good job of seating arrangements because the dwarves and the elves were sitting next to each other. Elrond swept into the scene rather dramatically with a lot of swishing of robes. "I think we all know why we're here."
"To discuss which is better: Poptarts or toaster strudel." Glorfindel said.
"What no? We're here because-" Elrond tried to say.
"Toaster strudel!" One of the dwarves yelled.
"Noooo poptarts are so much better!" Gandalf interjected. "Toaster strudel doesn't have enough icing!"
"Shut up!" Elrond yelled. "We're here to discuss how to destroy the ring! And Frodo if you would be so kind as to present the ring."
"Nu uh." Frodo said. "My ring." Elrond raised an eyebrow, grudgingly Frodo set the ring on the table like thing in the middle of the council area.
Boromir looked at the ring longingly. "It is a gift."
"From who?" Frodo asked stupidly.
Boromir rolled his eyes. "We could use it to defend ourselves from orcs."
"But the ring only has one true master." Aragorn pointed out.
"Who? That nerd from the comic book shop?" Legolas asked. Aragorn shot him a look. "Shut up Legolas."
"Hey! Don't tell him to shut up!" Saelbeth said angrily.
"Don't tell him what to do!" Boromir said. "It's the elves fault we still have all these stupid rings!"
"Our fault?" Another elf yelled. The humans and the elves all jumped to their feet and began arguing. The dwarves, not wanting to be left out, jumped up and started swinging their axes at everyone.
"I'll take the ring!" Frodo said. "But I don't know the way."
"That's ok Frodo, Aragorn has a built in GPS." Glorfindel smiled at the hobbit.
"Ok, all in favor of letting the hobbit go on an incredibly long and arduous task say "aye"". Elrond said.
"Aye." Replied most of the people there.
"I want to go too!" Legolas pouted.
"Me too!" Gimli said. Legolas' jaw dropped.
"Like hell you are!"
Gimli glared at Legolas. "What? You don't think a dwarf is fit for this task?"
"Well, no frankly."
"Shut up!" Elrond yelled. "Ok, this is how it's gonna work: I will cover my eyes and point to who goes." He did so and at the end they ended up with: Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Frodo, Boromir and Gandalf.
"Wait!" Pippin cried and scampered out from under a shrub. "We want to go too!"
Elrond did his classic over the shoulder look at them. "No."
"Oh pretty please?" Merry asked.
"I don't think so little hobbits."
"Why not?" Pippin said.
"Well, you guys just aren't meant for que-" Elrond began to say but stopped when Pippin and Merry pulled out the "Puss in Boots" look where he's holding his hat and looks up at you with big eyes.
"Oh ok! I can't stand it, you guys can go!" Elrond said.
"Yay!" Merry and Pippin said in unison.
Aragorn strode up to Arwen. "Do you think I will survive this?"
"No, I do not." Arwen said plainly.
"Oh." Aragorn said. "Then I want you to know that I love you with every fiber of my being and that I would do anything for you Arwen. Anything. Like bathe even."
Arwen's eyes got all misty. "I choose a mortal life."
"Yes Arwen, you've told me that already. By the way, I never asked you, but since I might die during this trip, what kind of music do you like?" Aragorn asked her.
"Why, whatever music you like." Arwen replied simply and smiled.
Note: Not all events are not set as they are in the books/ movies. Also the upcoming chapters will be lots more melodramatic.
Did anyone else notice in Deathly Hallows part 2 Dumbledore went from wearing grey to wearing white? What is that reminiscent of? Any guesses.
And no, I could not help myself but advertise Tolkien's Next Top Model, I'm shameless. I also love the idea of Aslan, Gandalf and Dumbledore sitting in a bar and complaining about their lives.