Pre-story Author's Notes: Please read "Check All That Apply," by this same author, then read this work. Thank you for your cooperation, dearest reader. :-)
Tsunade KNEW she should've restocked on sake that morning as she stared at the chain-covered crate on her desk. Muffled honking noises could be heard from it.
Deciding that she wouldn't get any answers just by staring at the thing, she looked up at the ninja squad before her. "This is…"
"A swan." Kakashi's response was blunt.
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "A…swan. Alright then. Where did you find this swan?"
Kakashi rubbed the back of his head. "Er…it was found this morning attacking several students in the academy schoolyard…and it had somehow made off with Kurenai's…undergarments."
"So it's a PERVY swan?" Naruto asked (loudly).
Sakura poked him in the forehead. "Don't get any ideas, nimrod."
"Sakuraaaaa…"
Tsunade's eye twitched. "Quiet, both of you. So…you're saying that a swan…attacked academy students and…stole Kurenai's unmentionables." She struggled to wrap her mind around this concept. "Alright, who or what provoked the bird to do those things?"
Sakura spoke next. "No one knows. According to Iruka-sensei, the students were having lunch in the schoolyard when it appeared—no one saw from where—and attacked Konohamaru and his friends." She turned pink. "N-no one knows how it stole Kurenai-sensei's underwear…"
Naruto giggled, which earned him a smack on the back of his head. "OW!" Tsunade ignored him.
"All right, that I get. But did you really have to use chains?" Shizune asked, poking the heavy lock on the crate.
"It, er, had trouble cooperating," Kakashi muttered.
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Meaning?"
"Ten ninjas—plus Iruka-sensei—got their butts kicked before they could catch it!" Naruto announced, before Kakashi could silence him.
Shizune stared at them, astonished. "You can't be serious…"
"Unfortunately, he's not," Kakashi sighed. "They're in medical as we speak. Nothing serious, but it took an additional three squads to lock it up."
"By the time WE got there, the bird had given dog-breath a wedgie!" Naruto snickered.
"Raise your hand when you want to speak," Tsunade commanded, just before Sakura could stomp on his foot. She sat back and rubbed her temples; first that meeting, now rampaging swans. What next?
As if in answer to her thoughts, the door burst open to reveal Jiraiya. "Hey, hey, what did I miss?"
Tsunade groaned; great, JUST what she needed…
Jiraiya, ignoring Naruto's response of "Hey, Pervy Sage!", immediately homed in on the crate. "So, is THIS the swan I've heard had given Teams 8 and 10 so much trouble? Interesting, I didn't think that there were any swans in the Konoha area…"
"It stole Kurenai-sensei's underpants," Naruto interjected.
Jiraiya latched onto that information like a bee on honey. "Ooh, a bird after my own heart. Where'd it come from?"
"We don't know," said Shizune.
Jiraiya was examining the crate at this point. "Hmm, mysterious renegade swan, eh? Y'know, I head there was a ninja somewhere in the Land of Rice who had a pet swan, think it's the same one?"
"It's a NINJA swan?" Naruto exclaimed.
"QUIET!" Everyone was stunned into silence; Tsunade had gotten to her feet, looking very annoyed. "I am VERY sorry, I'm just extremely stressed out and confused right now. Shizune, find someone to deal with this crate, I have a busy schedule today as it is. Team 7, help her. Jiraiya, if there's something you want to talk to me about, spit it out, and spit it out NOW!"
Several hours later…
Tsunade, not bothering with proper etiquette, drank straight from the bottle. After she finished, she handed it to Jiraiya.
"Y'know what's the worse bit?"
"The fact that the #!$!in' bird could somehow pick a lock from the inside?"
"I was thinking more of the fact that it looted the entire Hokage building."
"My favorite moment was when it did that perfect Naruto impression on that Hyuuga girl. The fact that it wore Kurenai's lingerie helped."
"I STILL don't know how it gave the entire Akamichi clan wedgies in ten minutes."
"Don't you think it's strange that it stayed clear of the entire Aburame clan?"
"Yeah, good point. More importantly though, how did it chase Guy all the way to the top of the flagpole?"
"It's easier than you think."
"Huh... Do you think Kakashi got his mask back from it?"
"Doubt it. Can't believe that Naruto and Sakura were STILL unable to see his face, though. That guy is GOOD."
"Don't forget when it stole all of Ebisu's books."
"And set them on fire."
"Oh, come on, you're STILL angry about that?"
"Those were works of art! I demand vengeance!"
Tsunade sighed. "Where do you think the bird is now?"
"With any luck, it'll have run into Orochimaru, wherever the snake may be." Jiraiya said as he sipped more sake.
"I'd love to see how he'd slither out of THAT. Remind me to declare to the village tomorrow to terminate any swans with extreme prejudice."
"Hey, hey, lemme pulverize the bird first."