Disclaimer: I do not own the Rugrats characters, although it would be great if I did.
Kimi sat impatiently on the stage anxiously waiting for the Barry Slinger Show to begin. Her palms were all sweaty. She silently cursed herself for bringing Tommy and Phil on national television to confront their feud over her. Further more, she had brought them on the most violent talk show in the country. Oh why did she choose Barry Slinger, why? She didn't know, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
So there she sat, waiting, just waiting. The audience was filing in, she could tell, even though the stage lights were off. She was just moments away from her confrontation. And then she heard it, the music for the start of the Barry Slinger Show. The stage lights suddenly flashed on, blinding her for the next few moments. Then, the annoucer spoke.
"Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Barry Slinger!" The audience errupted into cheers as Barry appeared on stage.
"Barry, Barry, Barry!" they chanted.
"Hello everyone," Barry said. "And welcome to another exciting show! The topic for today's show is 'Teen Love Triangles'. We've got a great show planned for you today. We hope you all enjoy it. Let's start with our first guest, the young lady sitting in the chair. Audience, please welcome, fifthteen year-old, Kimi Finster." The audience applauded politely for Kimi and she smiled weakly. "Now Kimi, I understand you are here because of a boy dilema, is that correct?"
"Yes Barry, it is." Kimi was surprised to hear own voice come out of her mouth, not to mention it was cool and calm rather than shaky and nervous which is how she felt.
"I see. Kimi, why don't you tell us what is wrong."
"Well, you see Barry, my friend Tommy likes me, likes me, but so does my friend Phil. I like them both and I don't know which one to choose. I don't want to choose Tommy and hurt Phil but I don't want to choose Phil and hurt Tommy either. To make matters worse, both of them have been going at it like a cat and a mouse and they used to be really close friends. Tommy and Phil have known each other longer than they have known me. I really want this resolved."
"Yes Kimi, I see you do have a problem. Well, let's start by bringing out the first of the two boys, Tommy Pickles! Tommy, come on out!" Kimi shifted nervously in her seat as Tommy came onstage. He sat down in the chair on the right of Kimi. "Hello Tommy."
"Hey Barry." Tommy waved to the audience. "Hey everybody."
"Hi Tommy!" the audience chorused.
"Now Tommy," said Barry, "Do you have any idea why Kimi brought you here today?" Tommy shook his head.
"None at all Barry," he said.
"Well Kimi, why don't you tell him why you brought him here?" Kimi nodded and gulped.
"Well T, I brought you here to confront your feud with Phil over me."
"That's why you brought me here?" Kimi nodded.
"Mm-hmm. I'm getting sick and tired of you two bickering all the time. You're supposed to be really good friends and ever since you found out that each other liked me, well, let's just say your friendship hasn't been very friendly lately."
"Oh I see, you brought me here because you want me and Phil to be all cool with each other again and make-up, right?"
"That's right!" Kimi said sternly. She got to her feet. "This has gone far enough, I brought you both here to stop this nonsense! Now it had better stop or else I won't go out with either of you! And believe me, I can do that, I do have someone else I'm crushing on whom I know should be very happy to have me!" At this point, Tommy also got to his feet.
"OH REALLY! Who!"
"That is none of your business!"
"Yeah! Well, we'll just see what happens! Bring that mother fucker Phil out here now!"
"Ooooooooo!" shouted the audience. "Barry, Barry,Barry!"
"Well, he's asking for him folks so let's give Tommy what he wants. Phil DeVille, come on out!" Phil came running out from backstage, charging right at Tommy. Before the security hands could stop him, he had thrown his arms around Tommy's middle and tackled him to the ground. He began swinging but kept missing because Tommy kept moving his head to avoid being hit. Just before security grabbed Phil, Tommy was able to push him off and get to his feet.
"What the fuck did you do that for you asshole!" Tommy shouted at Phil whom was now struggling against the security guard who held him firmly away from Tommy.
Because you're a backstabbing bastard!" Phil shouted back.
"For your information, my parents were married when I was born idiot!"
"Oh is that the best you can call me! A freakin' idiot! You're so lame pickles!"
"No I'm not, you're just a confused asshole."
"Yeah, well, you're an ass-fucker!"
"So? You're point is?" Phil looked at him, apparently taken aback by the comment. He had not expected that response out of him. "Alright, I admit, I like to shag on guys, I'm bisexual. Give me a good looking guy, I'll fuck him till the cows come home, I don't give a damn! At least I don't stoop to something as low as sleeping with my mother when I can't get some from a girl I wanted!"
"Wooooooooooo!" The audience errupted in cheers.
"Do you mean to tell me," Phil started quietly, "That you have actually had sex with a guy before?"
"Oh yeah loads of times, and you wouldn't believe who was my first."
"Oh yeah, and who was that!"
"Me!" said a voice from behind him. Phil spun around and his jaw dropped.
"Dil!" Tommy cried. "What are you doing here!"
"I believe your brother is here because he has something he wishes to tell you Tommy," Barry said. "Audience, Dylan Pickles!"
"Greetings earthlings! I come in peace. Please don't not be alarmed if I sniff your dog's ass and screw your cat."
"What on earth are you talking about Dil!" Tommy shouted.
"What I have to tell you, my dear brother, is that I, Dylan Prescott Pickles, am an animal lover!"
"I knew that! You play fetch with Spike all the time!"
"Sadly, you do not get my point, normal brother of mine. When I said I was animal lover, I meant I like to fuck animals, especially the big ones. Not to mention, I believe, I am madly in love with a horse who's cock feels nice when it presses into my tight hole." Tommy's mouth dropped open.
"What!"
"Yes Tommy, it is true, alas, I will screw humans no more!" He dropped his head dramatically, and made a quick but dramatic exit off stage right. Tommy just stood there, staring after his brother in disbelief. He finally summoned up the courage to glance at Phil whom moments earlier he had been bickering with. Phil was gaping directly at him.
"Did he just say what I think he said?" Phil said calmy but with shock in his voice.
"Depends on what you think he said," Tommy managed to respond.
"I could've sworn he said he was animal lover and that was madly in love with a horse. And a male horse at that."
"Then he said what you think he said." He looked like his heart had just been ripped out of his chest.
"Gosh Tommy, I'm sorry. Hey, I don't really want to argue anymore. You win."
"What do you mean I win?"
"I mean you win. You can have Kimi. After displaying something that horrible for you to hear Tommy I don't think I deserve her."
"No Phil, you take her. Besides, I just realized, I have my sights set on someone else."
"Really? Who?"
"Your sister." Phil dropped his head in sadness and shook it.
"Sorry, no can do for you buddy!"
"What? Why not?" Tommy could feel himself getting angry again. The heat was rising in him. "I'm not good enough for her or something!"
"No Tommy, it's nothing like that. I would be perfectly fine with you dating my sister, in fact, I think you two are perfect for each other. That's one reason why I blew up so bad when I found out you liked Kimi when I was so sure you were head over heels for Lil."
"Alright, if it's not that, what is it then?"
"It's not my place to tell. Why don't you ask her yourself? She's right backstage. Actually that's why she came here, to tell you why she can't be with you even though she had this extremely huge crush on you."
"That's my cue to call Lil DeVille to the show. Come on out here Lil." Lil came striding out from backstage looking more beautiful than Tommy had ever seen her but there was something different. She was dressed liked a guy, all decked out in skater gear and her hair was in corn rolls, not to mention, she had dyed it black. The audience clapped and cheered.
"LIL!" Tommy shouted in disbelief. "Is that really you?"
"Chill T, it's me. Don't have a cow bro."
"Um, Lil, why are you talking like a guy?" Lil put up a finger to show that she'd get to that in a minute and then she pulled out a...cigarette. "A cigarette! Lil, what the fuck are you doing! You don't smoke! You're the one always telling us that smoking is going to kill us one day!"
"Yeah, well, I kinda figured if you guys are gonna kill yourselves with cancer, so can I!" She put the cigarette in her mouth and lit it.
"Lil, what is going on? Why are you dressed like that and since when did you care about how we kill ourselves!"
"Alright, short stuff--"
"I'm not short!" Tommy interrupted her.
"Do you wanna know this or not!" Lil shouted.
"Well yeah but--"
"Than shut up and listen!" she shouted. "And have a cigarette!" She shoved one in his mouth and lit it. Tommy looked at Phil. He seemed unsurprised by his sister's sudden change. "Okay, as I was saying, listen up. I used to have a major crush on you and I thought you really liked me too. But then I founed out that you really were crushing on Kimi and that really made me upset. But, after I thought about it for a while, I realized I wasn't really even attracted to you and now I couldn't explain why I ever really liked you at all. In fact, I realized that I had never even been attracted to guys. I was attracted, very attracted to females. And there was one in particular I wanted. But when I realized I could probably never have Kimi, I went after my second biggest crush who just happened to be into girls too."
"You mean you're a...a..."
"That's right Tommy, I'm a lesbian!"
"Ooooooooooo!" the audience screamed. "Barry, Barry, Barry!"
"You're a lesbian!" Kimi screamed. "You didn't even tell me that!"
"I know Kimi, I'm sorry. I thought you would think differently of me than you do."
"Lil, I'm your best friend! I would never look at you any different than I always have. Okay so you like girls, big deal. One of mine and Chuckie's cousins is gay, one is a lesbian, and two are bisexual. Besides, if you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
"She told me," Phil said calmly. "She knew I wouldn't overreact.
"That's different! You're her brother! She knew that if she didn't tell you, you'd just read it in her diary!"
"No, that's not why I told him!" Lil shouted. "I told him because he is the only person in my family I knew I could confide in and I knew he would help me find a way to break the news to mom and dad!"
"Oh, is that so!" Kimi retaliated in disbelief. "Well, if you're going to tell your brother something like this and not tell me, your best friend, not to mention tell me first, I don't want to have anything else to do with you, Lillian DeVille!"
"Fine Kimi Finster! If that's what's you want, that's what you get! And here's a little end of friendship parting gift for you!" Before anyone could stop her, she walked up and socked Kimi in the mouth so hard, she almost knocked out a few of Kimi's teeth. Kimi responded with a strong punch to Lil's stomach and the fight was on.
"Barry, Barry, Barry!" the audienced shouted as the security guards attempted to pull the two girls off of each other. Tommy looked at Phil.
"Just out of curiosity, who is Lil dating?"
"You're not going to believe it. She's dating...she's dating..."
"Come on Phil, who is it!"
"Susie," Phil said shortly.
"WHAT! Susie's a lesbian!"
"No, she's bisexual. But apparently she's had a crush on Lil' for quite some time now."
"Wow!" was all Tommy could say.
"Yeah, it is wow!" Phil said. Tommy's mouth gapped open as he watched Lil pull Susie into a deep passionate kiss. He hadn't even noticed that Susie had come on stage.
"Audience, meet Lil's girlfriend, Susie Carmichael!" The audience applauded and cheered as they watched the two girls kiss.
"Holy shit Phil!"
"Oh that, they're always doing that," Phil said, turning to look at what Tommy was "holy shitting" about.
"Barry, Barry, Barry," chanted the audience.
"That's not the last surprise we have for you Tommy. We have one more. Audience, Tommy's best friend and Kimi's brother, Chuckie Finster!" The audience applauded as Chuckie walked out from backstage. "Tommy, Chuckie has something he wants to tell you." Tommy faced Chuckie and looked at him confused.
"What is it you have to tell me Chuckie?" he asked curiously.
"Only that...I'm getting married."
"WHAT! You're getting married? But Chuckie, you're only sixteen! Who on earth are you getting married to?"
"That's the other part of what I have to tell you. I don't think you're going to like it."
"Ohhhhhhhhh," said Barry. "Who can the lucky lady be. Let's bring her out shall we? Chuckie's fiancee, come on out here!" Tommy watched the backstage entrance and his mouth dropped open when his cousin Angelica came out.
"Angelica! You're getting married to Angelica!" he said in an outrage.
"I told you you wouldn't like it," Chuckie said.
"You asshole! I thought you were my best friend and now you're gonna go marry my bitch of a cousin! I hate you Chuckie Finster!" With that he lunged at Chuckie and the two were emerged in a fist fight, rolling all over the floor.
"Well everybody, that's all the time we have for today!" shouted Barry. "I'm Barry Slinger! See you next time!" The lights fell on the rugrats teens, now all fighting together in one big uproar.
A/N: What? You were expecting a happy ending? Oh well, I guess you just won't get it with this story. Tell me what you thought. This is my first fan fic on but I am an experienced fan fic writer. So please let me know what you think of it. And if you want to insult me, I would prefer if you used constructive criticism. If you're mean to me, I'll respond to you with something just as mean. It's a bad habit that I need to work on. Otherwise, I'm usually really nice.