Babiessssss T.T I wrote more MesaKana stuff. Here it is. Yup. It's going to be a chapter fic. Which I suck at writing consistently. But I'll give it a go anyway because they are my babiesssss. And they definitely need more love.

Hope you enjoy this beginning, it is just the start of a Kaname story and lost love that endures through life.

Disclaimer: Of course I do not own any of the Macross franchise or it's characters. That honor belongs to Kawamori~ I just write their stories from my imagination :)

Anamnesis

Prologue: Arduous Recollections

~O~

The sounds of waves echoed within the space of the gray room like a gentle roar in the quiet. The distance of the noise was more artificial since the crashes came from a holographic screen rather than an actual sea, but the memory of the water beating against the sand was the desired effect. And so it was achieved.

Red hair tickled the back of her neck, though no wind or fan pushed the strands around. It was always like this: otherworldly. Like ghostly fingers were skimming her, coaxing her into turning around to find nothing there. She ignored the cold feeling as had become the custom. Azure eyes watched the rain dribble down glass panels of a French-style window, barely recognizing the shapes moving about in the night. Within her hand a glass of amber liquid swirled around in a sloppy fashion, occasionally splashing drops onto the hardwood floor beneath her. She was perched on a chair with her knees pulled up to her chest, eyelids droopy in their alcoholic haze. It was a familiar state of haze that the singer wished to remain in for as long as possible. For as long as her brief break allowed her.

"You are going to die if you keep this up." Although she should have been startled, the woman with the glass merely twisted her head behind her to peer at the intruding presence that had managed their way into her sanctuary of moroseness. Lavender curls longer than imaginable and sharp, crimson eyes greeted her emotionlessly. The redhead didn't have the energy to disagree and maneuvered her gaze back towards the darkened landscape visible through her window.

"I am going to die someday anyway." Her voice was hoarse from disuse and whisky, but she liked it that way. Whisky reminded her of him. A strong, stable sort of drink with a great color, just as he had been.

"Kaname." She ignored her name, instead looking down to the bracelet that rested against her wrist. She hadn't dared play the single song the device held, but she never could force herself to take off the accessory since that night on the Ragnan beach where they passed him to the jellyfish. It was his memory that reminded her of the strength she needed to demonstrate and create within herself. Amidst her thoughts, she felt her company hovering behind her uncomfortably, and, uncharacteristically, the leader of Walküre snapped at the lead vocal of their group.

"What, Mikumo?" The woman's voice was saturated with tiredness and agitation, but it seemed to not faze the other in the slightest. A hand settled on the short haired woman's shoulder, and the latter leaned back unconsciously until the mysterious Venus had coiled her arms completely around her. Kaname felt a sting behind her eyes that she forced to stay buried inside. There was no need for emotions to run amok this evening.

"Don't do this to yourself." The whispered words by her ear were accompanied by a face rubbing into the curve of her exposed shoulder. The warm breath against her skin was slowly returning feeling to Kaname's numb body, something that felt extremely unpleasant when she was trying to complete dissipate all sensation. Yet, the elder could not control her motherly sense, and she reached her free hand up to squeeze Mikumo's forearm comfortingly. The other hand took a swig of whisky, and the pinching liquid burned its way down her throat.

"I'm not hurting anyone," the blue eyed woman commented quietly, noting just how grating her own voice was. She had lost count of how many glasses she'd downed, but the almost empty liquor bottle on the floor signaled some hint of her intoxication. She honestly felt that in that moment, her substance abuse was a risk to no one around her.

"Just yourself," intoned the woman hugging her close. The arms minutely tightened around her. Ah, well there was that. Kaname wouldn't deny that her own body might disagree with the manner of her misconduct, but she felt exploitative of the lead vocal's concern at this moment as well. She preferred to be alone in this state specifically so the others wouldn't be involved. They didn't need to witness their leader falling to pieces after they left the battlefield.

"He wouldn't want this." The redhead couldn't help the sharp inhale at the pointed words aimed at her. Mikumo was a master of manipulation, and this was a clear example. The elder did not in fact want to be lectured about something she knew was weak and unnecessary, but the lavender-haired woman was pouring salt into her wounds to get her out of her stupor. Still, it was not the crimson eyed singer's place to use her beloved pilot in such a way. Especially not against Kaname.

"I don't want him dead. We don't always get what we want in life, Mikumo." It was scathing and had the desired effect. The addressed woman shuffled away from the leader of Walküre warily, like a dog that had bitten its master and was ashamed for its actions. Kaname did not falter as her gaze, inebriated or not, pierced the other woman with her message. Do NOT play games using Messer with me.

"Kaname." It was almost broken, the response of her friend. Mikumo glanced sadly to the floor, and for the second time in this encounter, the addressed woman felt like the villain in a story. She set her emptied glass upon the floor and managed to wobble her way to her feet as she faced the beautiful songstress before her. The mysterious woman was leaning against the doorframe, face defeated and so uncharacteristically melancholic. A sigh pulled free of her lips, and the taller woman rubbed her temples from the oncoming headache.

"Just give me this. Let me remember." Kaname was the leader of the tactical musical unit Walküre. She was a manager and scheduler for a group of women risking their lives daily. She was a liaison between a private military and the common people both on and off the battlefield. But she was not immortal. Nor was she an actual Valkyrie as was their namesake.

She was just a woman. A woman who had lost a friend, a protector, a love.

She could pretend to be alright most days, but she needed to let go of her heart sometimes. On days like today. On days when it felt like Messer was not gone, but merely in the other room working at his desk. When he would quietly enter, beckon her to review the new air maneuvers to accompany the Waccine concert they would be performing. When he would disregard her thanks for his protective efforts as his mission. When he would remind her to take a rest and ignore her own reversal of that comment towards him. The stinging returned behind Kaname's eyes as she thought of all this. Oh, how I miss you, Messer.

In front of her, the redhead noticed that Mikumo's posture had straightened, and her eyes followed her slightly swaying body with an empathetic expression. She took a small step forward, casual nightgown brushing against pale thighs. When the other did not bristle or bark back at her, the mysterious woman stepped forward until they were a few centimeters apart.

"I didn't know you would take his passing so hard." Her words were gentle and soothing, as her friend often was when the outside world wasn't looking. Kaname understood Mikumo and her efforts. The two of them had little to rely on in this world besides each other. That's why Walküre was in such a stable and functional state. Because as the caretakers, the leader and goddess created that harmony. Nonetheless, their friendship was beyond even their occupation.

The incident on their desert neighbor, for example. It was logical that when Messer's Siegfried bee-lined for the Al Shahal desert, that Mikumo was the one ignoring her fainting spell and skidding her way to Kaname's side. It was logical that Mikumo collected her sobbing body to her own, and screamed angrily to Commander Arad to round up Walküre as soon as possible and vacate the planet. It was only logical that Mikumo was the one to haul Kaname's unresponsive and devastated being onto the VF-31S Siegfried while barking out orders for Mirage, Hayate, and Chuck to kick into gear and move the rest of Walküre to safety before they escaped by folding.

They had been forced to abandon Δ02, but managed to recover the aircraft a few days later with the help of some agents stationed by Xaos. Their luck was apparent when they defolded back into Ragna without a hitch just as they escaped planetary orbit. And through all of this, Mikumo had been the one to console her and bring her back to her responsibilities. The enigmatic singer was her support system, and Kaname knew she should not take such a friendship for granted. The redhead let her head hang down as the floor beneath her shifted left and right. Sure faith in her partner, the elder's head pitched forward until she was slumped against the lavender-haired woman, and undesired tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I never expected him to die," the blue eyed female whimpered, overwhelmed by the realization yet again that her beloved pilot was no longer by her side. She wanted nothing more than Mikumo's warm, docile grip to transform into muscled arms and tight embraces. She wanted to feel warm again, not the coldness of loss that followed her everywhere. "I never expected to lose everything I could have had." Her raw voice sounded foreign to her own ears, understanding now that everything she could have shared with Messer was snatched away by war and misunderstanding and devotion. Windermere's War, Xaos' misunderstandings, and Messer's devotion.

"You loved him, didn't you?" was the benign question that permeated the air after a long while. The confident diva had managed to coax the redhead to her bed in that time, and now said woman lay curled against her friend's side, breathing steadied after her breakdown.

"I did. I do."

She knew it clearly. Her attraction to the First Lieutenant had been more than crushes and physical appeal. Messer had been a figure of understanding in her life when others took little notice of her. He had shadowed her, but never with pressure or obligation. He was just there, protective and strong through everything that she had suffered with. Yet now . . .

Now she was alone.

"What can I do?" were the whispered words as cautious hands smoothed over her tangled red hair. Kaname took the opportunity to shut her eyes and just feel the sensation of real rather than ghostly fingers on her. How she wished things could go back to the way they had been before the battle of Al Shahal.

"Tell me he wouldn't be disappointed in me." The broken woman needed the reassurance she once used to get from her beloved pilot. She had struggled through much and bore the brunt of being a leader with little regret or distraction. Now all that remained was hearing from others if Messer would be proud of where she'd ended up. She needed to know he wouldn't have lost faith in her. Kaname required it to continue her fragmented survival.

"He would have cherished you as you are now." The words struck her heart, and she brimmed with feelings. The observant friend understood exactly what she required. The other pulled the elder's face into her chest as fresh tears cascaded down swollen cheeks. "You've been so strong recently. Please, don't forget about us, too, Kaname." It was rare that the leader was reminded that her team needed her, as it always seemed inevitable that she would be around. However, having Mikumo plead with her was slowly waking the redhead up. She might be lost and devastated over her love, but there were others in the living world that loved her and needed to be supported by their leader.

"Be strong for us. We need you, too."

"Mikumo." Giving into the tears she felt that did not belong to her, Kaname shivered with suppressed sobs and she gripped the lavender-haired singer to her own body. The two females would be exposed and freed of their melancholy together.

"I will try."

~O~

I love Kaname/Mikumo moments T_T