Meaningless oneshot. You know when there's an idea bugging you and you just can't let it go? This is the result of that idea.
Disclaimer: seriously, is there anyone who REALLY could believe I own it?
"Good morning Tony"
"Shut up McGoo. It's NOT a good day."
"What Tony?" Ziva asked "Hot date gone wrong last night?"
"No Ziva, my date was perfect." Yeah, perfect until she ruined my night.
"So, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, P-R-O-B-I-E! Now, I've work to do, if you don't mind."
"Uhm Tony, I wouldn't say anything is wrong." McGee added.
"Mind your business, McNosy!"
SLAP
"You're late DiNozzo"
"Sorry Boss I was-" you were what? Looking at yourself in the mirror for at least 20 minutes?
"Don't want to know DiNozzo. Grab your gear, we've got a dead marine."
They were working at the crime-scene when Ziva decided to ask new questions, once she was sure Gibbs couldn't hear her. "So, are you finally going to tell me what is wrong?"
"For the last time Zeevah, nothing."
"And yet, it doesn't seem to be nothing judging from the way you act."
"What's wrong with my behavior?" He asked suspiciously.
Ziva invaded his personal space "You seem…almost ashamed."
"ME? Oh you have to be kidding! Antony DiNozzo is never ashamed! Of what by the way?" he answered laughing.
"You tell me."
"I told you. NOTHING."
After a while Ziva spoke again "You didn't have…problems, did you?"
"Problems?" he said with a puzzled expression.
"Yes. Problems."
"Care to explain?"
"I just mean it happens to the best…you are forty and-"
"I'm thirty-nine."
"Whatever."
"So?"
"I am just saying that you should not be ashamed if you could not-"
"Could not what?"
"You had a date last night and now you have this strange behavior, you seem ashamed of yourself-"
He finally got it "Oh no. No no no. If you're saying what I think you're saying you're terribly wrong. Completely, totally wrong. You are speaking to Antony DiNozzo. The Big D. The Sex-machine. And you're insinuating that I have PERFORMANCE PROBLEMS? It's ridiculous!"
"If you say so."
Their conversation was abruptly interrupted by two well-simultaneously-placed slaps and they didn't have more time to talk after that.
At the end of the day Ziva was about to go home when she changed her mind "Tony, why don't we go out for a drink?"
"No thanks."
Ziva watched him for a moment. "Ok, ok I'm sorry. I should not have said that to you. Now, that drink?"
"Another time."
"Come on, my treat."
Tony stared at her with a suspicious and half-amused look "You only want to know what's goin' on with me, dontcha?"
"So there is something wrong!"
"Never said that."
"I promise, Tony, I will not bug you anymore."
He sighed "Okay, let's go ninja."
…
Ziva motioned for the bartender, "A mojito and-"
"Just some water, please." Tony added.
She looked at him with her eyebrows raised, questioningly.
"What? Can't a guy be thirsty?"
"Yes. Bourbon, whiskey, mojito, Shirley temple, beer. But water?"
"What's wrong with water?"
She narrowed her eyes, trying to figure him out. And then her eyes widened in realization.
"Tony, you are not fat."
"What does it have to do with me ordering some water?"
"You tell me."
He was staring his glass, quiet, deciding how to answer. He finally set on the whole story.
It had been a great night: nice restaurant, delicious dinner, small, meaningless talking. He was a charming, handsome guy, very smart in his Zegna suit; she was a REALLY hot, not too clever chick. The perfect one-night stand.
After dinner, he had walked her to her door, pretending to wish her goodnight and walk away, she had hurriedly invited him in for a coffee. Everything by the book.
Closed the door, the coffee had been soon forgotten.
The sex had been good. Not amazing, but Tony felt contented. They were in her bed, he had his arm around her waist, peacefully dozing off. She was lazily stroking his abdomen, when she began to talk with her sexy, little voice. Yeah, she kinda reminded him of Mira Sorvino in Mighty Aphrodite.
"I love a little fat on men. They are so much cuter!"
Ouch. That comment threw him off the small white cloud of his after-sex slumber.
"Fat?" Tony faked a laugh "I'm NOT fat."
"Oh nooo, you're absolutely not fat! But you have these cute love handles and this little roll. They are so sexy, baby!" she said, lightly pinching him.
He internally winched, but kept a cool façade and answered grinning "I know, I have them just because women like them." In ten seconds his night had lost all its appeal. First, the fat-subject, then the "baby". Man, how he hated when women called him baby. It was so emasculating.
"Well, it's been a…great, absolutely great night, but tomorrow I have to work and, ya know, I really should go now."
"Oh, what a pity! You'll call me, right baby? We have to do this again."
"Uh, yeah, I'm just a little busy now at work, but..sure."
Ziva was chuckling.
"I don't see what's so fun!" Tony said in a slightly hurt tone.
"But it is."
Tony had to admit it sounded fun.
"You weren't the one been pinched at."
"Nor the one whose ego was bruised."
"My ego's fine, thank you!" he said defensively.
"Tony…we are no more twenty-"
"You are not even thirty, are you Zeevah?"
She refused to answer and went on "our metabolism is slowing down, it's perfectly normal. And one drink-"
"One drink is the beginning of the end."
"Now you are ridiculous."
"A drink, then another, a couple of fries, some pizza and after sex women tell you fat is sexy. Some more beer and pizza and there will be no sex."
Ziva rolled her eyes. They were going nowhere. A little fat was normal. Like lines, gray hair, stretch marks. But he didn't want to understand it.
She changed tactics. Know your enemies and win them Eli used to say to her.
She let her eyes wander on his body and said in a husky voice "In bed love handles don't matter. How you handle love does. And certain men handle it very well."
"Certain men?" he said interested.
"A certain man. Who handles everything well, to tell the truth. When he doesn't act like a jerk." Then she stood up and went to pay their drinks. Well, her drink and his water.
After a moment he stood up and follow her out of the bar, his mood much better.
Ziva was about to enter her car when Tony called her, "Hey Ziva, would you ever call me baby?"
She laughed. "No, my little hairy butt, I would not." She started the engine and went away.
Tony was left leaning against the door of his car, thinking. He didn't know why, but my little hairy butt didn't sound emasculating at all.