Asset Manglement
By; Leloni Bunny
"So you see, I really need your help," sobbed a small chinchilla as he sat on the big blue couch in the headquarters of the Rescue Rangers. He was just a puffball of brown spotted white fur. It seemed to have a life of its own as it puffed and flattened with his sobs. A small green housefly known as Zipper, handed him a tissue. He blew his nose. "Thank you." he said.
"Now that's just mean," grumbled Monterey Jack. His red mustache twitched with irritation as his green eyes flared. The large mouse was usually ready for a fight and this sounded like a good reason to smack someone to him. He shook his fist. "Whoever'd be rude enough to just pluck a kid's pet right out of his pocket and then dump it in the park needs one heck of a whack upside the head. Oi say we find this bloke and-"
A brown bomber jacketed chipmunk interrupted him. "No, Monty. We need to help Chili get home is what we need to do."
"Chip's right," agreed a blonde peach mouse dressed in a lavender work suit. Beside her, a second chipmunk in a Hawaiian shirt and a female bat of a dark peach color both nodded. A second peach mouse, who closely resembled the first one save for her attire being a white floral blue wrap dress, red bracelets and yellowy orange flower necklace, said nothing.
"Thank you," sobbed Chili, "Thank you."
"No problem! That's what we do," said the Hawaiian shirted chipmunk usually known as Dale. He and the lavender work suited peach mouse, Gadget, helped Chili up. The group lead him out to their plane hanger where a few methods of transport awaited them. Considering his size, Gadget thought it wiser to take the Rangerwing rather than the Rangerplane. As the group began to pile in, Gadget frowned at the Hawaiian peach mouse and the bat.
Foxglove, as the bat was called, was not in any shape for a mission. She was badly bruised and her left wing was bandaged up in a sling. The previous mission hadn't agreed with her very well.
Gadget walked over to Foxglove, "Golly, Foxy. I don't feel right leaving you here while we go on a case."
Waving her good wing, Foxglove assured her, "Oh, don't worry about me. There'll be plenty of other missions for me to make it up with. Besides, someone should stay here and keep an eye on that Lawhinii mouse."
"Hey!" the Hawaiian peach mouse folded her arms across her chest and gave Foxglove a scowling look. "I've been a very good girl this whole visit. What makes you think that I'd ruin it all now?"
"Are you sure that you don't want to come along, Lawhinii?" Gadget asked her.
"No thanks!" she said, "Being a good girl is one thing. Being a goodie-goodie is a rotting oyster that I'm not willing to touch."
"Well ok then." Gadget hopped into the pilot's seat of the Rangerwing. Within seconds, the Wing's propellers spun like little buzz saws. The Wing slowly lifted straight up into the air and swooped off, carrying the Rescue Rangers away.
Foxglove curled her good wing around Lawhinii's shoulder. "Come on," cooed the bat. "I'll teach you how to play cards."
Lawhinii's confusion was apparent. As she allowed Foxglove to usher her towards the living room, she asked, "You mean cards are for more than just a $2 way of getting someone's sympathy?"
"Something like that," grinned Foxglove.
Half an hour later, it was Lawhinii who held most of the cards. Despite barely having seen a deck of playing cards before, Lawhinii had caught on to playing games with them pretty quickly. She may have the looks of a surfer mousette, but she obviously also had a master mind. Foxglove was no longer grinning so much. Yet, it was all in good fun for both of them.
"So, you ready to fold?" Lawhinii asked sweetly.
Foxglove drummed her cards upon the table. Her brow deepened with frustration. She chewed on her lower lip a bit as she mulled it over. Finally, in a dramatic tone she declared, "A Rescue Ranger NEVER folds - unless it's laundry day."
A rhythmic knock on the front door caught the girls' attention. Lawhinii looked to Foxglove questioningly. When the bat nodded, Lawhinii jumped up to answer the door.
As the door opened, Lawhinii found herself face to face with a birdly gentleman. He was a robin dressed in a refined looking grey breast jacket secured just below the chest by a single brass button. A red bow tie hung around his upturned shirt collar. The outfit was made complete by the small grey derby which rested upon his head. The robin was quick to remove the hat in salute to Lawhinii.
"Good day, Miss. You are the Lady of this domicile, I presume?" he asked in a fluttery tone.
This caused Lawhinii to blush. After all, it wasn't often that she was referred to as a 'Lady' of anything. She said, "Something like that. May I help you?"
The gentlebird restored his hat to his head. "Actually, it's I who is here to help you. My card."
He plucked a scrap of paper from his pocket and showed it to Lawhinii. The writing on the paper looked a bit hurried and not at all like it belonged to the bird who'd presented it. Lawhinii read the paper aloud, "Larry Duver - Prunfessional Management."
"Prunfessional Management?" echoed Foxglove. By now, she had joined Lawhinii at the front door. She gave the robin an inquisitive look. "We don't need any pruning done - prunfessional or otherwise."
"Aheh, actually, I'm employed in asset management," explained the robin. "And I have an appointment already with the Rescue Rangers. So if you dumsels -er - damsels would just kindly show me around, I can complete my review and be gone."
The girls exchanged looks. Something seemed fowl about this bird. They decided to play along for now until they could figure out what he was really up to.
Foxglove batted her eyelashes at the gentlebird. "Say, aren't you one of those 'Dover boys'? You know, Tom, Dick and Larry."
An all too eager grin spread across his beak as Larry sauntered past Lawhinii and gallantly clasped Foxglove's good wing in his own. "My dear Lady, I can assure you that I am a Duver, not a flighter."
He pecked a kiss on Foxglove's wing before gliding past her into the living room. The robin gave the room a once over. "Very nice," he chuckled softly.
Once again, looks were exchanged. Apparently Mr. Duver hadn't realized that mice and especially bats have excellent hearing. His ploy was over before it had begun. Now it was the girls duty to outploy him. With a quick wink to Foxglove, Lawhinii shut the front door and descended the stairs into the room. She approached Mr. Duver. In her most innocent tone she asked, "So, what was it that you said you were here for again?"
The robin seemed distant for a moment. Suddenly realizing that he was the center of attention, he coughed. "Oh! I'm here to review your assets. Shall we begin?"
"Of course!" chirped Lawhinii. "Wait right here, please."
"But I-"
Mr. Duver's protest was lost as Lawhinii dashed out of the room. A few moments later, she returned carrying a couple of metallic tools. She handed them over to the bewildered robin.
"Here you are!" she said.
He blinked and stared at the tools. Then he cast a doubtful look in Lawhinii's direction. He asked, "What... are these?"
Lawhinii smiled most innocently. "They're the rachets that you asked to review."
Mr. Duver's brow furrowed with annoyance. He chuckled sarcastically at Lawhinii, "Not RACHETS, Lady. I said 'assets'. I need to see the assets in this place!"
"Oh, I see," Lawhinii said as she put a finger to her chin. "Well, I'm afraid that's not possible."
"Why not?"
Lawhinii waved her arms around to indicate the entire room. "Because, this place isn't big enough for a dog - even if it is just a little Basset Hound."
Foxglove had to cover her mouth to stop her from giggling as Mr. Duver winced and dropped the rachets. He was clearly not amused by Lawhinii's antics. His gentle demeanor was all but lost at this point. He snarled, "Not 'Bassets', you dumb blonde! I said-"
"Hatchets?" interjected Foxglove. The others looked at her. Mr. Duver jumped back a full inch. The bat was indeed holding onto a full human sized hatchet. It looked pretty sharp too. Duver gulped.
He took a deep breath and tried again. "Please, ladies. I'm just here to case your - I mean - to inspect this tree's assets. Why can't you understand that?"
The peach mouse tapped her finger upon her lip. "Hmm, I'm afraid we don't have any of those either. You see, cassettes are dead."
Foxglove was unable to balance the oversized hatchet in her wing any longer. It dropped forward, landing between Lawhinii and Mr. Duver. Lawhinii didn't miss a beat though. She leaned on the top of the hatchet. "You'll simply have to switch to CDs. They're all the rage you know."
At this point, Mr. Duver had turned bleach white with terror. He wasn't sure which was worse; the psycho bat or the airhead mouse. He took a deep breath, once again. Speaking with a slow, determined, calm tone, he explained, "Ok, let's try this once more. I am here...to examine... your 'assets'. Got that? A-S-S-E-T-S, Ass-sets. I need to see them and I need to see them NOW."
"Ooohhhhhhh!" Lawhinii clapped her paws together. "You meant our 'assets'! Well, why didn't you just say so?"
She barely noticed the robin make a soft mutterance as she moved over to where Foxglove stood. Lawhinii lightly touched Foxglove's bandaged shoulder, causing the bat to shudder. As she did, Lawhinii whispered something into her lowered ear. Then Lawhinii moved to her other side and gave her other shoulder a quick shove. "You heard the bird. Hurry up and show him our as-sets."
"Ack!" Foxglove squeaked as she struggled to stay on her feet. Her wings made a few gestures as she balanced herself. She walked towards the front door, motioning for Mr. Duver to follow her.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
Foxglove turned around. "Oh, we keep our as-sets outside. Come on."
Mr. Duver appeared skeptical. But, he followed her. Lawhinii followed him.
"Here they are!" proclaimed Foxglove as she opened the door.
About five feet from the door stood two hoofed creatures. One was short and plump with long, lean ears. His fur was medium brown with lighter brown patches around his muzzle and down his chest and stomach. A big yellow sombrero covered his head and a matching bandana hung about his neck. His companion was his complete opposite. The other creature was tall and lean with short, squat ears. His fur was powdery white with only his mouth trimmed in a cream tone. A black hat, eye mask and cape covered his form. Both creatures seemed pretty surprised at their surroundings.
Mr. Duver's beak sagged. He pointed a wingly finger at the duo, "Wh-what are those?"
Lawhinii smirked as she walked over to them. "Why, this is our 'Ass set', of course." She patted the brownie's ears, causing him to blush deeply. Lawhinii said, "We call this one 'Donkey Hottie'." Moving over to the other one, she caressed his ears too. "And this fella's 'El Ka-Brayer'. Aren't they the cutest donkeys you've ever seen?"
"Now Hoooooold on, thar!" protested the large donkey. "I'm a horse."
"A horsin around, he means!" added Foxglove.
The robin was speechless. His beak dropped so low that it nearly landed on the tree branch. This was insane! These girls were complete idiots! There was no explanation for it. He stammered, "You - you two have got to be the DUMBEST, most AIRHEADED bimbos I've seen in a LONG time! I come in here with a simple mission - to give the place a once over so that I can come back later and nab the goods. But NOOOOOOooooo, the Rangers leave two of the most incompetent little dimwits on the entire planet to house sit! All you had to do was show me around. That's it - job done. And you couldn't even get THAT right! What could the Rangers possibly see in a couple of dames like you anyway?"
Lawhinii and Foxglove gave each other the most evil smile imaginable. In a tone that could've chilled the very volcanos of Hell, Lawhinii stated, "As some people are fond of saying, "Better Tweedle Dumb than Tweedle Dumber." I'd say we've managed to do our jobs rather nicely. Wouldn't you?"
Now, Mr. Duver was not only speechless - he was about as white as white could be.
The little donkey turned to his friend, "Hey, Quicks Draw. I dun know what's going on here. But I dun thin dis robins is a very nice bird."
'El Ka-Brayer', as he'd been called, yanked a guitar out of his cape. "For once, Baba-boy, I thin we're thinnin along the same lines."
He charged forward with a vengeful cry of "KA-BONG!" Before Mr. Duver realized what hit him, the guitar hit him. He barely had time to recover as 'El Ka-Brayer' wound up for another slam. Mr. Duver dodged that one. But it left him right near the edge of the tree branch. It also left him on Foxglove's good side. Unfortunately, her good side was in a bad mood.
She nabbed him by his bow tie and strung him upwards so that his toeclaws just barely touched the branch. "It looks like you're out on a limb, Mr. Duver," Foxglove grinned. "And now..."
She flicked his bow tie away, causing him to fall backwards out of the tree.
"...You're out of your element. Bubye!"
He screamed almost all the way down. Then he remembered that he could fly. A quick wing flutter allowed him to avoid being a pile of ground gore. He flew upwards, fully intending to show those girls just who was boss. He snarled as he returned to the tree branch. The donkeys were no longer there.
"Now, listen here, you little-" the intended comment never had a chance to come out.
Lawhinii very nonchalantly held up a small container. She calmly twisted its lid. Shaking some of the container's powdery contents into her paw, she blew it straight into Mr. Duver's face. The reaction was immediate. He sneezed. The sneeze left him momentarily unable to fly. Thus, he fell. He quickly regained his flight only to sneeze again and fall, again. The process repeated itself over and over and over. Soon, the robin had no choice but to land in the grass where he continued to sneeze.
He glared up at the girls who gazed down upon him. Then, he sneezed again and again.
Larry Duver shook his head, "Forget it, (a-choo!) Duver. This one's just (a-choo!) not worth the hassle. Maybe there's a (a-choo!) bakery nearby for this ole robin (a-choo) to roll over."
The girls watched him sneezingly wander off. Foxglove giggled, "He was right. He's not much of a flighter."
Lawhinii twisted the container's lid up tightly again. "Good thing Dale keeps his 'Sneezing Powder' in an easy-to-find place."
"Guess he was just a 'robbin robin' after all," Foxglove quipped. Lawhinii grimaced a bit but said nothing. Foxglove became serious for a moment, "Are you sure that you don't want to be a Rescue Ranger? We could use a clever mind like yours on the team."
"Nah," replied Lawhinii as she headed towards the door. "Occasional crook clocking is fun. But I'm not really into the whole 'risking my neck to help the helpless' thing. It's just not my style."
She returned Dale's Sneezing Powder to where it belonged. Meanwhile, Foxglove straightened up the front room. Unfortunately, the hatchet left a gash in the floor that she'd have to explain to the others. Somehow, she had a feeling they'd take it pretty well.
The girls resumed their game of cards. This time, Foxglove didn't hesitate to fold to Lawhinii.
"What happened to 'A Rescue Ranger never folds'?" asked the peach mouse, sweetly.
Foxglove gave her cohort a wry look. She gathered up the cards on the table and made a show of their shuffle. Tttthhhhuuuurrrrruuuuup and crack sounds resounded through the room. Finally, Foxglove tapped the deck on the table to straighten the stack. She mimicked Lawhinii's smile.
"Considering that you just hung a robin out to dry, I'd say that this qualifies as a laundry day."
Two hands of cards were dealt out and the game began anew.
The End
Disclaimer: The Rescue Rangers (C) Disney. Larry Duver is mine. But if you ask nicely, I might consider giving you the bird.
Special thanks go to The J.A.M., Abel DuSable and the Incredible Werekitty for their advice and input to make this story a readable thing for all.