"Why did you do it?"
"Why did I do what?"
"Don't give me that! Why did you do what you did?"
Lucas didn't mean to sound so snappish. But amidst his torrent of emotions, ranging from grief to anger, the latter took hold after hearing Claus's transparent attempt to deflect his question.
Predictably, his older twin became defensively aggressive in response. "Why do you think? You really thought I could keep living like how I am after all that happened?"
Claus proceeded to wave the stump which used to carry his right arm around. Lucas winced at the gesture, not knowing if he preferred seeing his twin like this or with a mechanical cannon attached to it.
He had no ready response. Prompting Claus to continue in a tirade. "Look at me Luke! I'm a freak! I'm a failure! An embarrassment! A monster! I could've hurt a lot of people! I-"
The next thought seemed to have caught in his throat. Claus swallowed, his tense face melting. "I could've hurt you..."
Blank silence followed.
Then, of all the reactions this could've spurred, Lucas chose to laugh. A biting, sarcastic laugh that pierced his orange headed brother like a red hot fire poker.
"What's so damn funny?" He yelled at his younger twin, looking him up and down. Lucas had gone through a lot, and it showed. His clothes, which Claus remembered that he would always pay meticulous attention to keep neat, were ragged and ripped. Any exposed skin was covered with bruises and cuts, some of which looked jarringly fresh. Worst was his left shoulder. It had a massive circular wound that was visible even after extensive PSI treatment.
And here, as Claus watched Lucas shake with laughter, he could not help but worry that among all the blood and sweat the blonde shed, perhaps some of his sanity had left him as well.
"Well!?"
Lucas looked straight at Claus's mismatched eyes. Brilliant green and hollow black. One was missing its pupil.
"Just how incredibly stupid this whole thing is!" Lucas said between breaths.
"What do you mean?"
"Look at us, Claus!"
And what a sight it was. Two boys, barely 13 years into their lives, mutilated to almost beyond recognition. One sporting more wounds than it would take to kill a man 10 times over, the other half flesh, half machine, half alive.
"Look at us!" Lucas repeats with the same ironic cheerfulness. "Look what we've been through! We've already hurt each other beyond what we could've thought possible!"
Claus looked down. "I know. I'm sor-"
"And why the hell are you sorry? Are you sorry because you almost wiped out the entire world, or are you sorry because you gave me a few bruises?"
Claus glared up from his downcast position, baring his teeth. The look brought out another maniacally jovial chuckle from Lucas.
"What the fuck's the matter with you Lucas? Why are you acting like this?" He hurled at his twin. "Why did you change from the kindhearted, compassionate little brother I knew?"
No immediate response, Lucas's laughter eventually dying down.
"Which one of us changed more then, do you think?" He asked.
There was no answer for a while.
Lucas heaved a sigh. Then he slowly closed the distance the twins had put between themselves, and wrapped his aching arms around Claus. He felt Claus stiffen.
"It's time for you to stop looking out for your little brother, big brother." Voice barely above a whisper. "There are things in this world far more important than us, yet in our minds, everything still boils down to each other, don't they? You see how far I've come. I've grown strong. It's time I started looking out for you."
He felt ragged exhaling as Claus loosened up and returned the embrace. Lucas registers that only one arm was wrapped around his waist, and felt the familiar pang in his heart.
"But I'm not letting you off that easy." Lucas spoke into his shoulder. "Why did you do it?"
"...why I killed myself?"
A very slight flinch that could barely be felt even with the intimate contact they were making. Lucas had purposely refused to say it as it is, knowing that in the back of his mind he didn't want to register it as a fact. Claus committed suicide. The thought lingered in his mind like bile.
"...yeah. That."
"Well, what would you have done in my place?"
Lucas sighed. "An apt question, I suppose."
They held each other for a while longer, relishing in the contact they had both craved. The scars and bruises on Lucas burned, both from the physical contact and from the knowledge that a lot of them were caused by the one he held in his arms.
"Let's sit down." Lucas offered. "I wanna talk."
"...don't you have to be somewhere?"
"Yeah."
"...Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"Lucas."
"Yes."
"I think it's more important to be there than here right now."
Even as he said it, Lucas could register the regret and hesitancy in Claus's voice. His twin had never been too subtle, even in his words. He didn't want Lucas to go, but he knew he had to.
"We have all the time in the world. Things have been going by too fast for my liking recently. I think I deserve a break." Lucas broke their hug and plopped himself, cross legged, on the smooth ground.
Claus followed after a short pause. Careful to use his left arm to support, he plopped down next to Lucas, mirroring his position.
"So what do you wanna talk about?"
"Stuff."
"Luke."
"Yeah?"
"You know I was never good at just sitting around and chatting."
Lucas smirked at Claus's whining. "Well I think it's time you learned."
Claus smirked back. "Oh really? Is little bro gonna teach me something for a change?"
"I don't seem to recall you teaching me anything helpful."
"That's 'cause you don't learn. Remember when I tried to help you get over your fear of bugs?"
Smiling hurt Lucas's face quite a bit, the cuts peppered across his cheek protested. Nonetheless he couldn't help against the action as he recalled the vivid memory. Claus implicated a very direct method: dangling a praying mantis in front of a sleeping, unsuspecting Lucas's face. As soon as he opened his eyes, the resulting scream could practically be heard by Fuel deep in the forest.
"I'm fairly certain you achieved the opposite of progress with that stunt." Lucas mused.
"Yeah well, I was hoping that if you got scared enough, you would get over your fear." Claus made teeth sucking noises. "But once a crybaby always a crybaby I suppose."
"Hey!"
"What? I speaketh the truth. I still remember the first time we went into the Sunshine forest by ourselves, you practically pissed your pants."
Another vivid memory, another embarrassing childhood moment that could only make Lucas laugh at the naivety of his younger self. Deeming them old enough to visit Fuel by themselves, Claus dragged Lucas on a twisty adventure far exceeding the time it should've taken to reach their friend's forest cabin. Lucas had clung onto Claus the entire time as the orange headed twin led them lost among the trees. Expertly switching between poking fun at Lucas's wimpyness and comforting him, Claus eventually found Fuel's home, after visiting every corner of the forest but.
But what stood out most to Lucas was the expressions on Claus's face throughout the ordeal. He would catch his twin's eyes darting around, wide and glistening, and even feel the ever so slight trembling of his body. But every time Claus caught Lucas looking, he would cover it up with a big grin and a snide remark. Only with the wisdom obtained from growing up did Lucas realize Claus was just as scared as he was that day, but had the courage and strength to lead his younger twin to safety. Courage and strength that Lucas felt like he lacked until only very recently.
"You were just as likely to piss your pants that day."
"Was not."
"Yeah you were."
"Nope."
"Yep."
"No-"
"Ye-"
"N-"
"Y-"
"NOPE!" Claus shouted, grinning widely.
Seeing the joyous and relaxed look on his brother's face, free of pain and artificial coverings, so similar to the days of their youth, made Lucas's heart warm. He laughed out loud, but immediately regretted it as his body shook with pain. Every battle mark he carried was set on fire, the bulk of the blaze located at the massive wound on his shoulder, and another one right on his stomach. He doubled over.
"Lucas! Luke what's wrong buddy?"
A hand rested on his back, and Lucas could see Claus's stump move instinctively in front of him, as if there was still a working limb attached. Claus quickly realized this, and adjusted to sit to the left of Lucas so he could use his remaining left arm to hold Lucas up.
"Ughh..."
He was aware of Claus's eyes flicking around, travelling all over his discombobulated figure, no doubt landing on all the parts that were causing him pain right now. The one green eye lingered on his left shoulder. He saw Claus gulp.
"It wasn't you." Lucas said.
It took a second for Claus to register what that meant. His shoulders sagged in relief. Lucas always though Claus wasn't too good at being subtle. Every emotion showed through and could be picked up by any competent observer, no less his twin brother.
"Porky's machine managed to spear one of its legs through it. Big mess up on my part. I was fighting like a rage induced idiot." A massive silver sphere loomed in Lucas's memories. "I regretted a lot in that battle."
He lifted his head. As blue met green, he recalled how it intrigued him, and many other people, that despite near perfect physical builds, right down to the facial curves, they managed to have distinctly different eye and hair colours.
"...I regretted a lot in the next one as well."
Claus averted eye contact.
Lucas found himself consciously resisting an attempt to put a hand over his own belly. Were it not for the Magypsies' Mementos, he would probably have died from the sword Claus managed to spear through his stomach. He had covered the scar with the remainder of his prized striped shirt.
He couldn't be sure if Claus remembers that detail. He kept quiet.
"Claus..."
"I'm fine." The crack in his voice objected that point.
"Cl-"
"Really, I am. What about you?"
"...I'll live."
Silence.
"...Claus?"
"That's my name, don't wear it out." The corner of his mouth twitching up. "What's up?"
"Sometimes everything feels like a dream to me..."
Claus nodded, not needing any further explanation.
"We live 10 years of peace and happiness," Lucas continued, staring off into the distance. "Then I close my eyes to blink, but when they open, things have changed beyond what my simple mind could comprehend.
"It's not just our surroundings, it's us too. If we asked ourselves from 3 years back what they thought the future would be... well, they'd think us crazy for trying to explain what a car is. A chimera, a happy box, DP, rock bands, 100 floor tall buildings. Things we accept so easily now because we've seen them, experienced them, been gradually exposed to them.
"And of course, this..."
A flash of pine green that startled neither boy. Then one of the smaller cuts on Lucas's arm had been replaced by a faint pink scar. Claus nodded again, drawing his knees up to his chest and hugging them.
"PSI. It feels like something out of the storybooks mom used to tell us. Though I was the only one who paid attention to them." The half hearted joke drew no response from Claus, who was half his face hidden behind his knees.
"All these changes, it scares me how easily we've incorporated them into our lives like it's always been this way. When I wake up in the morning and remember everything that's happened, it really does feel like just one, long dream."
"A nightmare."
No objections to Claus's addition. Lucas was intrigued by the withdrawn and contemplative character Claus suddenly took on. He had not spoken until that last comment, merely listened and nodded.
"Sometimes I sorely wish I could wake up and smell the smell of freshly made omelets, see mom's smiling face, dad as he prepares to herd our sheep, see you still snoozing beside me, and have to look forward to nothing more than another day being a foolish, innocent kid." Lucas's voice died down to a whisper.
"All the time."
He looked at Claus. "What?"
Claus looked back. "I was correcting your mistake. You mean all the time."
Silence.
"This is a dream too, y'know." The older twin stated quietly.
"I know. But that doesn't mean it's not really happening."
They continued to talk, sitting side by side, practically leaning on each other. Lucas had sorely missed this, not just being with his twin, but just... talking. There were very, very few people Lucas found comfortable having extended conversations with.
Not even Duster or Kumatora, two companions he would trust his life with, fell into that category. During their time together, Lucas would stay as quiet as possible, something his two older companions figured to be one of his traits. Truthfully, Lucas liked talking. He liked expressing himself and his mind. He was the verbal to Claus's physical. Even before the Pigmasks arrived, Lucas was selective with those he expressed himself towards, and many just deduced it to be a part of his shy nature. Afterwards, he became even more reserved as the bulk of Tazmily moved to the side he did not trust.
During the nights, just before they fell asleep in each other's warmth, Lucas would talk and Claus would listen. Claus would do their share of talking during the day, when they were outside among company, so he let Lucas talk about his thoughts of the day as they huddled together for the night.
It seemed like a part of that had been revived as the twins sat and reminisced their golden days, sharing each other's thoughts unashamedly and without fear of eavesdroppers.
There was a pattern, through all the stories they shared. A repeating pattern that spoke volumes about Lucas and Claus that could be succinctly summarized through this next memory.
"Claus."
"Yeah."
"Remember the time you taught me to play 'chicken'?"
Claus smiled, the memory of that day rankled.
Diving into the ocean, the brothers were enjoying the coolness of the water in the scorching afternoon heat when Claus suggested a game called 'chicken'. A simple concept: swim as far out into the open ocean as you can before you get scared and turn back. Of course, Lucas was an immediate objector to such a dangerous and trivial game, but buckled after hearing the clucking noises Claus used to impersonate him.
Claus rocketed out, with Lucas trailing hesitantly. Every once in a while, the blonde would suggest turning back as the shore shrunk more and more. But his red headed twin would not turn back. And perhaps it was because of the constant comments of his coddled personality, but something that day compelled Lucas to keep after Claus, long after his instincts told him to give it up.
Soon they were far enough out to see the entire island in one view, yet both still refused to give in. Lucas surprised his brother and himself with his audacity, dragging the simple, harmless game of 'chicken' into something much more serious.
The water was turning violent from open sea winds. Then a large wave smacked against Lucas, knocking the wind and resolve out of him and opening his eyes to just how much danger they were in. Every instinct screamed for him to turn back. Lucas tried in vain again to convince Claus to stop, he certainly didn't want to go any further at this point. Eventually he continued to swim after his brother, not wanting to be alone or leave him out in that endless reservoir of seawater.
Inevitably, Lucas finally ran out of gas, conceding to his athletically superior twin. But his lack of strength left him defenceless against the torrent of waves that knocked him under the water. Bobbing up and down, screaming and crying, being pushed and pulled with nauseating force, his first experience that alerted him to the reality of death ended when Claus grabbed him and lead him slowly back to shore.
It was incredible how Claus still had enough strength to carry himself and his younger twin back all that way, a testament to the kind of person the red headed boy was. Of course, Lucas was in too many tears to fully realize that back then. And of course, they didn't say a word of their game of 'chicken' to anyone.
"You won, I don't think there was any doubt of that, even from the beginning." Lucas said.
"You were harder to beat than I expected." Claus replied in kind. "I don't know what pushed you to go as far as you did. I expected to win much earlier than I did, I did not want to swim out that far." He paused. "Though victory would've went sour if I had lost you." He finished quietly.
Lucas put an arm around Claus. "That's the point, isn't it? After that day, I was thinking a lot about you, as a person. How you could find so much strength. You beat me by swimming halfway around the world, then you turned around, saved me, and dragged me that whole distance back again.
"I couldn't tell if you were afraid or not, Claus." Lucas spoke above his brother, who had opened his mouth to say something. "Because I sure as hell was. Swimming out in the open, with all those rough waves coming at me. It took everything, everything I had to will myself to keep going, yet you just swam on like you were invincible." With each word, Lucas tightened his arm and pulled Claus closer to himself. "It was just a silly game, yet you were so dead set that I wasn't sure if I found it inspiring or idiotic."
"Lucas what are you getting at?" Claus asked, straight to the point.
"Don't you see, big bro? You're the bravest person I know!" Lucas had forced Claus around to face him fully, putting both hands on each shoulder, staring intensely at his bewildered eye. "You're brave, passionate, motivated... you're unbelievably strong!"
Claus seemed at a loss for words as Lucas continued loudly, wanting to firmly drive his point into his brother's stubborn head.
"When you have a goal, nothing would ever stop you from achieving it. It shows, not just in that game of 'chicken' where you won and saved my losing ass, but in everything we do! Whenever we play together, go exploring, adventuring, you would always lead your little brother on! You had the strength, the courage to do so.
"But suicide is a coward's way out!"
And there it was. All that shouting culminating to the one point that was creating tension between the twins. The one point that Lucas would not leave untouched until he got a satisfying answer. Recently, his whole life seemed like one big, infuriating question that no matter how hard he searched, could not find an adequate answer to.
Claus tried to jerk away, but Lucas kept a firm grip on him. He was not letting him escape.
"What do you want from me! Can't you just leave me alone and-"
"No!" Lucas shouted, and at that point, Claus felt a rare feeling of fear to the blonde. The furrowed brows, the bared teeth, the constricting grip on his shoulders, the burning blue eyes, it intimidated Claus.
"What excuse could you have? You're not a freak, or a failure, or an embarrassment, and definitely not a monster! With mom's help, you freed yourself from Porky's control, so why couldn't you have stayed!?"
"Lucas-"
"Were you worried about other people might say? So what if they talked bad? You could've overcome any doubts people have about you!"
"No I-"
"Was it mom? Did you think that she wanted you to kill yourself to join her in the afterlife? Newsflash! Mom's not that selfish or conceited! Don't you think she would've liked it more to see you continue to live, no matter what happened? To see us grow up together and live happy lives? Do you really think she would've wanted to see you fucking shoot lightning at yourself?"
Claus was shocked. Lucas never swore like that.
"I.. I-"
"Or maybe it was yourself? Maybe you thought it would be too difficult, too painful, too shameful to live with yourself after what the damn Pigmasks did to you? You would've been strong enough to handle any rehabilitation, I swear you could've probably willed yourself to grow a new arm if you wanted, you could've had your life back! So why di-"
"It's not that simple, all right!?"
Claus finally fought back, freezing Lucas's torrent mid-stride. He jerked loose of Lucas's hold and jumped to his feet.
"Don't act like you can understand everything going inside my head just 'cause you're my twin brother! You have no idea what I've been through! None whatsoever!"
"I can see pretty clearly what you've been through," Lucas also stood back up to eye level with Claus, equally agitated. "And it's still no exc-"
"Shut up! You're not really dumb enough to think this," He points at his nonexistent right arm. "Is what I'm talking about, are you?"
"Then what!? What are you talking about?"
"I had both feet, hell I had half my body in the grave already, my soul was all packed up and ready to depart, then Porky's idiot followers decided to turn my dying body into a toy!"
Lucas's eyes widened.
"Do you wanna know what purgatory is, Lucas? I read about it in one of the older books Wess kept. Purgatory is the torment, pain, suffering, damnation that you experience after you die, before you end up in the afterlife. Guess what? The past 3 years of my life has just been that! Nobody in this world knows pain like me!"
"Claus-"
"I was forced to live in a body that wants to die, do things that my soul doesn't want to do. What makes you think that I would want you keep living like that!?"
"You don't know that!" Lucas screamed, fighting back tears that he had promised himself to never let out again. "We could've made you okay! The Dark Dragon could've fixed you if I asked... all your friends and family would be there to support you... you're strong enough to endure any pain, aren't you?"
"But it's not just that, is it?" Claus must've detected his twin damming up his tears, as he had lowered to a more gentle, but still firm voice. "It's what I did. Being an idiot and getting myself almost killed by that Drago, nearly wiping out existence by pulling the needles, hurting you, hurting my dad, hurting Boney...
"And even if I lived on, what would I be known as? That robot who almost killed everyone? The pathetic, hasty kid who had to be saved by his younger..."
He stopped mid-sentence, immediately knowing that was the wrong thing to say. Lucas's expression reflected that, as anger formed on his young face once again.
"Oh, so it is all about you, isn't it? Your pride, your dignity?" Lucas hurled those words at his twin, feeling on the brink of madness. "It's not the fact that you did all those horrible things, or was living on the edge of death for so long, it's because of your pride as the older brother, isn't it you selfish asshole?"
"No! No that's not what I meant-"
"Then explain!" Lucas screamed. His fists were balled up at his sides, he felt all his muscles tense. He realized that his dam had failed and the tears have started leaking, but he didn't care anymore. "Explain why you had to go do what you did! If there's more to it than physical and emotional pain, more to it than you preserving your integral pride, tell me! Tell me why you had to leave me like mom... tell me wh... why you had to make me the only twin left..."
He broke. He hadn't fallen apart like this since that night 3 years ago. He was in his brother's arms again and sobbing like a baby, clutching his own flesh and blood without the intent of ever letting go.
When he spoke again, his voice was cracked and rusted from overuse. "You hurt me, Claus... you were so afraid of hurting me, because you were supposed to protect me... but you did it anyways... And you did it by ending your own life..."
It was extremely rare seeing Claus cry, but his shaking body forebode it.
"Look at what you did to me, Claus. Not just me, but to dad, Boney, Fuel, Angie, Nichol, and all those others..." Lucas whimpered. "I promised myself I wouldn't do this anymore..."
They clutched each other tightly.
"Now who's gonna lead me through life? I can't do it myself, Claus... I need someone brave and strong enough to take me with them..."
Silence.
Then... "I was never like that, Luke."
"...what?"
"I'm not the Claus you know. I'm not the Claus you can see."
Lucas frowned. Claus broke their embrace and looked at the ground.
"And it's all because I'm your twin brother."
Lucas moved to object, but didn't bring himself too. There was something in Claus's voice, something so genuine and moving...
"When we were very young, Luke, people would always compare ourselves to each other. Naturally, since we're twins. Back then, we looked a lot more alike. The shades of our eyes and hair were more similar, and we were not experienced with life enough to develop noteworthy personalities yet.
"But we were different. Different because you were the first one to take the step to creating yourself. You began doing nice things for people."
Lucas felt more anticipation than he had ever felt before.
"You helped mom set up the table, you helped Caroline pick nuts for bread, helped Lighter carry tools, and soon enough, everyone was complimenting you. As the kid who would do nice things, the child everyone liked to dote over.
"And me? I was a bit late to that. I noticed the compliments and attention you got. I wanted a part of it, so I started doing nice things too. But because you started first, people would automatically relate my acts of kindness to you, saying things like how you inspired me. They were right, I suppose, but still... I began developing a sort of grudge, you can say. Even though I was the older twin, I was living in your shadow."
There was a strong notion in his mind to stop listening then. Lucas thought he had known his twin, what he was like, how he approached things, but all this was new to him. He wanted to stop listening so as to not ruin the possible fact that he knew nothing about Claus. But curiosity was far overpowering that notion.
"I didn't want to be known as 'Lucas's twin'. I wanted to be Claus. So I created myself. I did so in the simplest way possible to be distinct from you. I made myself your opposite."
That was enough for Lucas. "No..."
"All the affection turned you into a coddled, soft, caring boy, so I forced myself to be impulsive, tough, headstrong, brave, all the things that would directly set us apart."
"No... no, stop, no..."
"And it worked. People knew me as the daring and full of energy twin to your gentle and soft spoken personality. But you know what? It drained me. I hated it at times."
"But... but you seemed so natural with-"
"No, I wasn't. Don't get me wrong Luke, living with you, with our parents, our friends, was the best time of my life. I love you unconditionally, no matter what happened. But I was killing myself from the day I decided to set myself apart.
"I hated bugs as much as you, Luke, but forced myself to pick up a praying mantis and scare you with it to prove I'm different. I was so incredibly frightened when we were lost in Sunshine forest, but held my facade when I was with you. It took all my willpower to not turn around in that game of 'chicken', I was scared of getting stranded out at sea, of drowning, but you kept after me, so I forced myself to keep going..."
"Claus, stop it..."
"Then I went way over my head when mom died. You know what I really wanted that day? I wanted to go home, curl up in bed with you, and cry until I had no more tears left. But instead, I had to keep being Claus, so I took dad's knife... and... yeah..."
Claus could not go on, and Lucas could not hear any more.
It was all too much. So sickeningly, horrifyingly wrong. Lucas felt his head would explode, all his injuries reignited with newfound passion. This was the truth. The truth that he could not see due to his selfishness, his own pride, his own idiocy. And no matter how his twin would deny it, how others would not agree with him, Lucas knew the truth now.
Claus did not commit suicide. He killed his twin a long time ago.
But for some strange reason, among the many emotions he felt, ranging from grief to anger, he finally felt the sense of relief he had searched for. This was the truth. The cruel, but justifiable truth.
He could not forgive himself for what happened, but he knew that it would be useless to linger on what has passed.
His family would not blame him. They would want to see him move on.
And move on he will.
"You know what's funny, Lucas?" Claus spoke up after a while.
"What?"
"I had always looked up to you, little brother. You were always so kindhearted and sweet that it really is a shame that there aren't more people like you. As twisted as it turned out, you were my inspiration."
At this, Lucas tearfully smiled back.
"You know what's funny, Claus?"
"What?"
"I had always looked up to you too. It doesn't matter if you claim your courage, strength, or daring personality was faked. The fact that you kept it up so long means that those things were not created. You had them in you all along.
"And thanks to you, I was able to discover my own strength and courage, and make it through this journey. All thanks to you, big brother."
They simultaneously walked forward and hugged once more.
Something lit up.
"...it's time for you to leave, Luke."
"...yeah."
"Make us proud."
"I was hoping this dream would last a little longer."
"All dreams last forever, Luke, as they are a part of reality."
Lucas chuckled at the sudden wisdom his twin displayed. He withdrew from the embrace.
"I guess I'll see you around."
"Definitely. Like I said, I'm sure I'll see you again someday."
Then that something became a surge of bright white that dissolved Claus's figure...
Lucas opened his eyes.
Everything was as he had left it. His injured father looking at him in front, his friends around him, Boney gently whining beside him.
Claus with his eyes closed, cradled in his arms.
The seventh needle, directly in front, lighting up the dark caverns like the rising sun.