A Rose by Any Other Name is Just as Black
By Wendy (wendarno63) and Hannah (AnEarthlyKnight)
One fine May morning in the Marauders' 6th year at Hogwarts, Sirius and Remus (Peter was mysteriously absent) were watching James' latest escapade to try and win the favour of one Miss Lily Evans after a wonderful day in Hogsmeade. To the surprise of none, he had failed. Again.
James' face was frozen in a look of pure shock as Lily rejected his heartfelt gift: a humongous portrait of himself that conveniently flattered the young women every time she walked by it. As she tried to hand the picture back, it protested. "Oi, your face looks so stunning when you're angry," James' photo commented. "The way your brow furrows reminds me of endless fields of clover in the countryside of London."
"James, I simply cannot believe you tried to give me something so outrageously self-centered and tacky!" Lily screeched, and Sirius barked a laugh from his viewpoint.
"Yeah, I don't think saying her brow looks like weeds is exactly a compliment," Remus said dryly, shaking his head.
"But Lily!" James whined as she stormed away. The portrait chose that particular moment to wink and make a slightly obscene compliment about Lily's backside (Is your dad a baker? Because you have great buns!). James quickly whipped out his wand and muttered, "Silencio, you stupid git. You have no class."
Sirius heard this and became quickly confused. "He does know he's talking to himself, right?" he said with a smirk.
"No, I don't believe he does," Moony replied, shaking his head affectionately at his friend's folly.
Lily turned back before she disappeared from view, shouting, "I'd rather you got me something simple, like a bar of Honeyduke's finest than that…monstrosity!" And with a scoff, she was gone, her "curtain of shimmering copper locks" (as James had taken to calling it lately) dancing behind her.
James stomped back to the tree where his friends waited, disappointed but not defeated. "That woman is completely impossible to please," James muttered with awe. "But I will find a way!"
"Glad you think so mate," Sirius remarked. "Because right now, I think Snivellus has a better chance than you."
James' face reflected that of a person watching Armageddon unfold and he was about to shoot a hex Sirius' way when the man in question rounded the corner of the castle. "Speak of the devil," James said, loud enough for Snape, and everyone else within 10 miles, to hear. "Look what we have here; the perfect tonic for my recently wounded heart."
"I wasn't aware you had a heart, Potter," Snape said snidely.
"Here we go again," Remus groaned, stuffing his rather large snout back into his copy of the Daily Prophet.
"Now Snivelly, that wasn't very nice!" Sirius drawled, casually bringing his wand out from his robes and strolling up to the unfortunate Slytherin half blood, James in tow. "We've been through this, but I believe those potion fumes have finally gotten to your inflated little head and you've forgot. In that case, I'll kindly remind you: there is such a thing as common courtesy."
Snape scoffed. "You don't even practice what you preach, Black. Besides, you can't even go to the loo without an entourage."
"At least I have one," Sirius shot back, and Remus simply couldn't let things continue on the path they were going.
"Come now Sirius, it's not worth it. In the time you've been terrorizing Snape, you could have saved 15% or more on your car insurance."
Quickly assessing the blank looks he received, Remus quickly backtracked. "Or so I've heard," he muttered, turning back to his copy of the Prophet.
"I never know what you're on about, Moony," Sirius declared. "I think that rubbish in the Prophet has finally gone to your head."
"Indeed, that's definitely where I got it from, the Prophet, right," Remus said nervously, discreetly shoving his Muggle newspaper deeper into his back pocket.
"I don't think it's the Prophet that's the problem," Snape announced loudly. "I think you've been spending too much time under the moon's iridescent glow."
Sirius' face closed off and he whipped his head around to glare at Snape. James stepped in front of his best friend, who was shaking with rage. He strode purposefully over to where Snape was standing and grabbed him by the lapels of his school jacket. "I think it'd be best if you left, you cocky little shit," James said coolly, a dangerous glint in his eye. "Or I will hex you into next week."
"I'll do it right now, you arrogant son of a snake!" Sirius snarled from his place behind James. "Moony's never done a single bloody thing to you, Snivellus! James gave you a chance the last time you messed with us, but this time you won't be so lucky. The shrieking shack will see your death someday, I promise you!"
Remus chose this opportunity to grab Sirius by the arms. "Let's go, you silly pup, before you get us in trouble."
Sirius glared once more at Snape before he allowed himself to be taken away. James dropped Snape in the mud, spit a magnificent logy in his general direction, and bounded after his friends.
When they reached the Fat Lady, Remus spouted the password, "Sacrificium Sempiternum" and the trio of boys spilled into the common room. Sirius was still muttering threats and James was sulky, so Remus took it upon himself to cheer them up (never his strong suit, as his idea of fun was reading books like Pride and Prejudice, which had been constantly ridiculed by Sirius as being 'girlish piffle'). He glanced around the room, desperate to find something to lift their spirits, when he noticed a particularity colourful notice on the Gryffindor bulletin board.
"Look Pads," Remus said as brightly as he could manage, "I wonder what juicy bit of news that notice has to offer."
Sirius looked at him blearily. "Remus, are you serious?"
"No, you are!" Remus laughed haltingly at his wordplay while Sirius glared.
"Not in the mood, Moony, not in the mood," James muttered, sinking into a red velvet armchair.
"But James," Remus lied. "It says that someone is scalping tickets for the Quidditch World Cup! You should take a gander over to look at it, see how much they're asking for them and such."
James perked up at the notion of watching the Quidditch World Cup. "But—but that's impossible! The tickets have been sold out for months!"
He and Sirius rushed over to look at it, and Remus followed at a slower pace.
"Moony, you beast!" James cried. "There's nothing on here that's got to do with World Cup tickets!"
"But Prongs," Sirius exclaimed. "Look what it really says!"
The three boys looked at the brown and blue page again and read:
Do you have a relentless hunger for winning…and candy? Or do you want to impress that special little lady with a year's supply of her favourite chocolate?
Then this is the contest for you!
Join Honeydukes in celebrating 60 years of business on June 24th with a contest that will melt in your mouth…literally!
Sign up at Honeyduke's Sweetshop for their 60th Anniversary Eating Contest by May 17th.
Grand prize winner shall receive a year's supply of Honeyduke's Finest Dark Chocolate. The losers go home empty handed.
So don't be shy, take a chance…and EAT FOR FREE!
Sirius looked at the notice again and a broad smile split his face. "May 17th…why, that's today! Moony, you've got to do it. How can you refuse? A whole year's supply of your clandestine lover, dark chocolate!"
Moony, knowing full well that this contest would do nothing but draw attention to himself, make him ill, and be the focus of Sirius' kleptomaniac side for the whole year if he won, shook his head and backed away. Then, he realized he had an excuse, and used it gratefully. "The moon…can't do it…not today."
"Oh come on Moony, don't be a pansy," Sirius whined, but James seemed to have finally caught up with them mentally and let loose a whoop of joy.
"Moony can't enter because I am going to enter," James exclaimed, puffing out his chest like a stuffed pelican.
"Prongsie, why the sudden rush of enthusiasm?" Sirius asked, plopping down on the red velvet couch by the fireplace.
"Well, you heard Lily didn't you?" James replied, imitating Lily's voice to quote her, "'I'd rather you got me something simple, like a bar of Honeyduke's finest than that…masterpiece?'" he finished rather lamely.
"James, I believe the term was 'monstrosity', but a good try nonetheless," Remus corrected dryly, and Sirius laughed.
"So let me get this straight, Prongs; you want to win the contest so that you can waste all that delectable chocolate on Lily 'I hate James Potter' Evans?" Sirius asked, holding his breath.
"Yes! It's my best plan yet, I think."
Sirius stared blankly at James, willing him to understand. It became increasingly clearer that he didn't.
"Prongsie, let me tell you something," Sirius began. "Birds seem to have this completely irrational insecurity about weight, I've noticed. Had a bad experience on a date once, tried to give a girl a weight loss tonic, a very useful one actually, but she didn't take it well… Anyway the point is, giving Lily a year's supply of Honeyduke's will just make it seem like you think she's…large, or she'll believe you are trying to make her large. You follow?"
James' face lit in a slow smile of understanding before he replied, "Nope."
Sirius pressed his palm to his forehead before he grabbed James and smacked him around a bit. "Mate, believe me, while a year's supply of Honeyduke's would be a great present for Moony or even me, a bird's just going to get her knickers in a twist about it. With Evans, you can't afford to make things worse, alright?"
James shook his head firmly. "I always trust your judgment, my good fellow, but this time I must say nay."
"'Nay?' Come on Prongs, don't get the Moony sickness!" Sirius gasped desperately.
"Don't worry Padfoot, I'm much too smart for that," James declared.
"Jolly good. Well, if you're still set on signing up for this contest or what have you, we'd better get on with it. We don't want to come back too late and have Mrs. Norris glaring at us."
"That cat gives me the creeps," Remus commented from his vantage point by the fire.
"All cats give you the creeps, my dear Moonykins," Sirius pointed out.
"Quite right," James agreed, and they rushed out the portrait hole, followed by a reluctant invisibility-cloak-bearing Remus.
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The boys slipped down to the sweet shop from the Shrieking Shack using their Whomping Willow way, and when they showed up (right before store closing) they realized that they had been followed.
James and Sirius turned and immediately had their hackles risen. "Snivellus," they snarled in unison.
Remus pushed his friends aside, looking at Snape with confusion. "Severus, what are you doing here?" He wondered.
"Potter's trying to…'win over' my best friend—" Snape began, but he was cut off.
"Ex best friend," James corrected with a smirk.
"And she clearly doesn't like him. So I'm going to win this ridiculous contest, and therefore Lily, instead. She deserves better than spending the rest of her life with a heartless arse."
"Look, you pathetic swine," James said. "You had her, and you lost her. She's too smart to be won over by any of your tricks, 'specially after you hurt her."
"And she's too smart to date a stupid git who gets a kick out of seeing students hanging upside down in their underpants."
"It seems we're at odds, Snivelly. How 'bout a wager? I win, I get Lily. You win, you get a chance to win back Lily. We clear?" James offered, sticking out his hand before thinking the better of it.
"And what if we both lose?" Snape challenged with a simper.
"Then it's business as usual," James decided after a moment. "We have a draw."
Snape considered this, no doubt weighing the pros and cons in his head before he nodded curtly, pushing past the trio to go into the shop. He bent his head over the sign up sheet so that his outrageously greasy hair hung by his face, obscuring everything but his nose (a regrettably enormous obstruction that could never hope to be obscured) from view.
"Sod all this, I'm going in," Sirius declared, pushing up his sleeves as he prepared to burst through the door.
"Put a leash on your temper Sirius," Remus requested, walking in first to be the referee should Sirius or James spontaneously combust in Snape's face.
James sauntered up to the sign up after Snape was gone, and was shocked to see so many names on the list. "Look—Lance Carns is on the list. He hasn't got a hope of winning; the guy is skinny as a rod."
"You never know with those skinny guys," Sirius warned. "They're shifty."
When James had stepped back, Sirius stepped up. "Now Padfoot, why are you doing that?" James whined. "We all know you can beat me in an eating contest, you tosser! How am I supposed to beat Snape and win Lily over now?"
"I'll do it!" Sirius explained with a grin. "Well, not the Lily bit, but I'm helping you, mate. Lily's the completely bonkers type of bird that can't be bought; you're going to actually have to use whatever brains you have to try and win that one. I don't envy you, mate. But I need to succeed in making that disgustingly greasy Slytherin feel small and beaten. He can't just go around insulting people like Moony who never give him hell."
"Well I could have done that, you stupid fleabag," James argued, but his customary grin ruined the image.
"Fleas are nothing to laugh about," Sirius said, managing to sound sober.
"Would you say the matter is…serious?" Remus asked, and James laughed so hard he fell on his arse. Sirius shook his head, but a small smile tugged the corner of his mouth up slightly.
"Moony, you do know that joke's so old that the last time I laughed at it I fell off my dinosaur, right?" Sirius asked.
Before Remus could speak, the cashier at Honeydukes finally got fed up with the 3 kids keeping him overtime for nothing. "Everybody out!" he bellowed, saving Remus from replying to Sirius in some clever mannerism that he didn't possess.
As they strolled out of Honeydukes' and slipped under the invisibility cloak, Remus smiled slightly, glad to have found friends who were willing to stick out their necks for him. It was nice, and more than he could have ever asked for.
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5 Weeks Later
On the day of the contest, 3 of the mischievous Marauders were seen running through the castle, pursued by Filch and Mrs. Norris. Peter was finding it exceedingly difficult to keep up with the pace that James and Sirius, being seasoned athletes, were setting, but the trio were laughing in any case. James jeered taunts at the caretaker while Sirius spat insults and Peter just attempted to keep up.
James gasped the password to the Fat Lady, who scolded them but still looked highly amused, and the three tumbled through the portrait hole. The Fat Lady slammed shut right in front of Filch's face, demanding the password that he didn't know. The boys could hear her muttering something to herself about Filch letting Mrs. Norris piss on her portrait at night.
James and Sirius began laughing, boisterous and achingly free from examinations and homework in general. Peter was too busy gasping, clutching his ample sides, to join in. Remus, who had been innocently reading an Edgar Allen Po tome in the Gryffindor Common Room while his friends set off dung bombs in the men's lavatory, didn't even glance up.
"I didn't know she had it in her, to be honest," James confessed, panting slightly.
"The Fat Lady; second only to my most magnificent McGonagall," Sirius agreed.
Remus, finally unable to ignore them, squinted at his friends over the top of his book. "You've really got to stop this ongoing fantasy joke about McGonagall. It is completely unreasonable, as she is our head of house and should be treated with whatever semblance of respect you three can muster."
"Since when have I been reasonable?" Sirius shot back, draping himself over the large velvet couch in the center of the room. "That's why we have you, Moons."
"Pardon me, I temporarily forgot who I was talking to," Remus said sarcastically.
"What's up your arse this afternoon, Moony?" James asked, striding over to sit in the last available chair. Peter simply sat on Sirius' legs, causing the man to howl and pull his legs out from under him, glaring at the offending rat. This gave Wormtail the chance to scrunch up in the corner of the couch.
"It's his time of the month," Peter commented wisely.
"Do you even know what that implies, Wormtail?" Sirius questioned.
"Look guys, it's fine," Remus said, looking thoroughly wore-out. "It's about time we got to Hogsmeade anyway. Or did you forget that your ridiculous contest commences at Honeydukes within the next hour?"
"What? Are you serious?" James asked.
"No, I'M Sirius." Sirius declared with a wink. He was used to saying that joke whenever the chance arose. Because of this, the group ignored him.
Remus shut his book and stood up, "You'd best hurry up now; you don't want to be late."
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At the Contest
The four boys walked up to the stage where the contest was being held. It was set up in the middle of the street so that any random pedestrians could freely watch. When Sirius and James walked up to the registration witch, Peter and Remus stood in the crowd next to some fellow Gryffindors. Because the contest took place after the year-end exams, almost the whole school had shown up.
Sirius looked at the crowd as James gave his name. He nudged James when he saw that a certain Lily Evans had come to watch the festivities. She was standing next to Remus and Peter with her group of giggling girly gals. The two boys walked up the platform steps and James, now aware of Lily's presence, smiled and waved to the crowd. He pulled out his wand and sent some pink sparks Lily's way. She rolled her eyes and Peter grabbed at the sparks. Remus could be seen shaking his head.
The other contestants lined up and Snape was situated right beside Sirius against his will. The plump, dark-haired announcer, who was the owner of the shop, put his wand to his throat and cast Sonorus so that his voice now filled the rumbling crowd. "Welcome, welcome, to the 60h anniversary of Honeydukes Chocolate Shop. My name is Ambrosius Flume and I am delighted to be your MC for this wonderful event. Today marks our first annual eating contest, where many go home empty-handed but none go home empty-stomached. As a thank you for the tremendous turnout and unending support of you all, we are going to give you a small sample of our newest chocolate."
Leprechauns appeared seemingly out of thin air and danced merrily among the crowd, throwing bars of chocolate in their wake. Remus made sure to stash a few into his book bag, and pounced upon an unsuspecting Peter, mugging him of his chocolate while Lily looked on with good humour. When both men had regained standing, Lily handed Remus hers with a small smile while James glared with jealousy.
When the commotion of attaining free chocolate ceased, Mr. Flume continued. "All of us at Honeydukes were astounded at the amount of competitors and interest, so thank you again."
"Now the moment you've all been waiting for; the contest!" He announced, and was met with general shouting and cheering by the crowd. "Here is my lovely wife to explain the rules."
Ambrosius stepped back to allow his stout wife to trot onto the stage, her brilliant red hair tied up in a severe bun. "The rules are simple, and I will not tolerate cheating. Each competitor will have a magically-refilling bowl of chocolate frogs in front of them, and they must eat as many as they can. The person who eats the most shall take home the victory. This is not a timed event, so we could be here all afternoon."
The crowd cheered, an anonymous shout of "does that mean we get more chocolate?" rising above the din.
Mr. Flume shouted from the side of the stage "of course that means more chocolate! You can never have too much chocolate!" and the cheer of the assembled mass was deafening.
Mrs. Flume called for quiet as she continued with the rules. "There will be no magic tolerated, you hear? Any spells to enlarge your stomach, eliminate any of the frogs, or any other types of tom-foolery will result in immediate disqualification from the contest. In addition, any spells against your opponents or any chirping by contestants or the crowd will result in (power failure*) a stern talking to or removal from the premises. I want a clean contest, alright?"
The table of participants nodded, but behind Mrs. Flume's back, James was crossing his fingers and Sirius was mouthing 'I will end you' to Snape, who simply sneered.
Mrs. Flume glanced down the table of hopefuls with mistrust before she reluctantly stepped down so her husband could begin the contest.
"And now," Ambrosius Flume bellowed, "without further adieu, let the games BEGIN!"
The plastic bowls beside each competitor filled themselves with delicious milk chocolate frogs, and James and Sirius took haste to begin eating, and consequently beating Snape.
The cheering commenced as the contenders began filling their faces with chocolate frogs. In no time, James' bowl was almost empty. Before he could even touch the final frog, his bowl refilled and he looked upon it sadly.
"Why the long face, Prongs?" Sirius questioned as he, too, reached the bottom of his first bowl.
"I was hoping that Flume was just fooling about the refilling bowls," James remarked as he tucked back into his frogs, albeit more slowly.
Sirius took that moment to look down the table, and it came as no surprise that Lance Carns had already failed. He was being led off the stage by Mr. Flume, and in the background he could hear an angry Mrs. Flume screaming at a contestant.
"Did I or did I not say no cheating, Mr. Malfoy?" Mrs. Flume raged, smacking him upside the head.
"I sincerely didn't think vomiting was cheating," a slightly green-faced Lucius mumbled.
"But you continued to eat frogs! You can't vomit and then expect to stay in the running! DISQUALIFIED!" Mrs. Flume announced, and the Gryffindors in the crowd laughed.
As Lucius was being led off stage, Sirius could not contain a jab. "That's a nice shade you're wearing, Malfoy. Puke green really suits your demeanor and house perfectly."
When Lucius looked back at Sirius to reply, he promptly vomited all over James' loafers. James stared in object horror at his shoes before he raised his eye to Lucius and smoke began to pour out his ears.
"I didn't even know that was possible," Sirius remarked, staring at his friend with awe.
"No chirping, Mr. Black and Mr. Potter!" Mrs. Flume fumed as she grabbed Lucius' arm again.
"But he's not a contestant anymore!" Sirius protested, but couldn't hold back a smirk when the crowd chuckled.
The contest resumed, and it was merely 5 minutes later when Sirius realized that James had not touched his frogs since "The Accident".
"What's wrong, mate?" Sirius inquired between bites of chocolate frog.
James' face had gone pale white and he looked at Sirius in dread. "Sirius, I—I—can't do it."
His friend looked back at him blankly. "Whataya mean, you can't do it?"
"It's—me dogs, mate. That—greasy serpent ralfed all over them. The fumes—they're suffocating me! I've got to save my shoes before it's too late!" James cried, pushing back his chair.
Sirius, temporarily abandoning his bowl of frogs, grabbed James by his lapels. "What? You can't quit, James! Don't leave me! What will Lily think?"
James stopped to think for a moment before he looked back at Sirius with new drive. "She'll think worse of me if I end up like Malfoy there, vomiting all over the ruddy place!"
Before Sirius could get in another word, James stood and announced, "I FORFEIT! IN THE NAME OF MY LOAFERS! And Lily. Always Lily."
Lily's face went scarlet and she face palmed in the audience while Remus attempted to comfort her. James looked back down at Sirius' gobsmacked face and whispered. "You've got to win this contest, okay? Don't let Snape triumph, Pads. We've got a reputation to uphold."
And with that he tottered off, Sirius' mournful howl of "Prongs!" trailing in his wake.
Sirius then turned back to his delicious treats with new-found vigour. Partway through one of his numerous frogs, Sirius turned to Snape and whispered creepily, "You full yet?"
"You wish, Black," Snape replied curtly, not even glancing up from his bowl.
As the day wore on and the sun began to set, Mr. Flume announced that the contest was nearly over.
"It seems that we've only 2 remaining competitors, Mr. Black and Mr. Snape, who have both eaten 6 bowls of frogs and counting" he rumbled, and Sirius looked over and noticed it had, indeed, come down to just him and Severus.
Sirius could see that Snape was struggling to finish his frogs but alas, so was he. However, Sirius believed he had a certain determination that Snape simply did not possess. He might have been full an hour ago, but he wasn't going to stop until he passed out dead.
In his chocolate-crazed mind, Sirius was suddenly aware that, had he done this contest in his Animagus form, he probably would have been dead in the first 10 minutes. With that in mind, Sirius was thankful and all the more proud of himself for making it this far.
20 minutes later, when the crowd was at its fullest (as some of the adult witches and wizards were now off work and could join in the celebrations), Sirius was struggling to fit a single chocolate frog in his mouth when Severus suddenly keeled over in a chocolate overdose.
Disbelieving of his luck, Sirius stood up a bit too quickly and vomited all over his fallen rival. "Take that, you rat—bastard!" he bellowed, and the crowd was unsure as to whether they should cheer or be disgusted.
Mr. Flume carefully sidestepped several pools of bodily waste to grab Sirius by the shoulder and lead him to the center of the stage.
"We have a winner! This young man has eaten 7 bowls of chocolate frogs today!" Ambrosius announced, and the mass of spectators began to applaud loudly.
Sirius whooped in joy, raising his fist in the air in a victorious gesture as Ambrosius turned to him once again. "What's your name, son?"
"Sirius," he replied with a wide grin that would put the future Gilderoy Lockhart to shame.
"No young man, your full name," Flume corrected.
A feeling of dread settled into the pit of Sirius' stomach and he wondered if his biggest secret would finally have to be revealed. To be safe, and hoping this was all Ambrosius was looking for, he replied, "Sirius Black."
To Sirius's dismay, that was clearly not enough. "Don't you have a middle name?"
"Why do you need to know that?" Sirius retorted angrily.
"It's for the officials, boy. The press, as you know, always needs to be fully informed. Didn't you know you're going to be in The Prophet ? Millions of wizards will know who you are!"
Realizing that his childhood worst nightmare was coming true, Sirius gave in to his fate, knowing that there was no other option. He bent down and whispered his real middle name into Ambrosius' ear, trying not to wince.
Mr. Flume smiled politely as he turned to the crowd and shouted, "Give it up for Sirius Lee Black!"
The crowd went silent.
So silent, Sirius thought hysterically, that you could have heard a Thestral fart. Just as the silence became increasingly awkward, a mass of laughter from the crowd assaulted his ears.
"Just give me my damn prize and let me get the hell out of here," Sirius grumbled.
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6 months later
The Marauders were sitting around the fireplace during their 7th Year, continuing their work on the Marauder's Map and eating some of Sirius' winnings. Sirius was glad that, finally, things were beginning to calm down. His full name was spread far and wide thanks to the prophet, and he hadn't heard the end of it for months. But now, he was only teased about "The Name Fiasco" every once in a blue moon. And the people who did the teasing were his friends, especially James.
It was late at night, and the boys were about to test the Map for the first time since its creation. James tapped his wand to the blank parchment with growing eagerness as he declared, "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good."
Ink spider-webbed its way across the yellowing parchment as it welcomed them with the simple statement "Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs are proud to present the Marauder's Map."
The boys crowded around the map, looking first towards their own common room. 4 sets of feet with banners were visible, and upon reading the names Sirius became increasingly infuriated.
"What. Is. This." Sirius demanded, jabbing his finger down upon his name banner, which read "Seriously Black".
James, unable to contain himself, burst out laughing (he rofl'd, irl). "I'm—I'm—sorry, Padfoot!" James wheezed. "But I—I couldn't help it!"
"We're laughing with you, mate, not at you," Remus consoled.
"Wait, I thought we were laughing at him," Peter interrupted stupidly.
The 3 others looked at him in silence before James punched him in the arm and continued to laugh. Remus, too, was starting to chuckle.
"Quit that, Remus. Do you want me to take your precious chocolate, my precious chocolate, away from you? Because believe me, I will."
Remus immediately clamped his paws over his mouth. "No! No! NO!" he chanted in a high-pitched voice.
"That's what I thought," Sirius muttered triumphantly.
James, having calmed down slightly, looked at his friend with watery eyes. "So wait, let me get this straight. You're Sirius Lee Black? Like, seriously black? I don't know, mate, you look pretty white to me."
"Racist," Remus mumbled, disguising it as a rough cough.
"I don't see your middle name on there, Prongs," Sirius crowed, snatching the map to double check.
"Well…no," James said, his face growing increasingly red.
"Aha! I'm not the only one who's been hiding something," Sirius proclaimed, pointing his wand in James' direction.
"Now mate, no need to be hasty," James said hurriedly, backing away with his hands in the air.
"Out with it, James! What is your middle name?" Sirius ordered.
"I—I—I—Don't have one," James mumbled.
"You're lying!" Sirius said, glaring. "I can smell your fear. Now share with the class!"
"Alright," James said, steeling himself for the great reveal. "It's… Edward."
Sirius' eyes bulged for a moment before James' face split in a grin and he resumed laughing.
"That…that's it? You piece of shit!" Sirius cried.
"Yep, I was just messing with you," James confirmed, dropping to the ground and holding his stomach as he gasped and wheezed with laughter.
Sirius looked to Remus for confirmation, and Remus nodded. "Yes, that is his real middle name," he replied.
Sirius was momentarily crestfallen before he looked back at Remus. "You let him fool me? Well, what's your middle name then?"
"John," he replied, taking pity on poor Sirius and deciding to just tell him without the dramatics. The poor puppy couldn't seem to take any more teasing.
"You're all a bunch of wankers!" Sirius shouted. "Enjoy your chocolate while you can, because that's the last you'll ever taste of it!"
Remus, attempting to save himself from a chocolate-less life, tried to reassure Sirius with something he had read the other day. "A rose by any other name is just as sweet."
MISCHIEF MANAGED
AN: from AnEarthlyKnight: The "Is your dad a baker? Because you have great buns" is taken from the ever-so-lovely ladies who wrote the Shoebox Project. It has been my constant inspiration. Go read it, if you've a love for humour, Marauders, a dash of romance and all-out tom-foolery ;)
Btw, WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYTHING REMUS SAY SOUND GAY! I swear, he totally is. Not like there's anything wrong with that, but Siriusly (heehee) every single thing we tried to have him say always sounded SO WRONG. AND SEXUAL. For example: "Don't make me put a leash on you, Sirius." ;)
There were PLENTY others, but both of us seem to have forgotten at the present time.
*The note about power failure is an inside joke. As we were proof-reading this story, the power went out just as I (Hannah) was reading that part aloud. Wendy, the clever nonce, decided to continue anyway with "will result in POWER FAILURE", after which we laughed for quite a long time. Hence, we had to include it in this story.
Last thing, for those of you living under a rock (with your Harry Potter books), "irl" stands for "In Real Life". If you don't know what "rofl" stands for, you do not deserve to be on the internet. ;)