Disclaimer: characters do not belong to me although IF THEY DID, you would have to believe that I would never have written this in the first place.
AN: spoilers for Children of Earth: Day four. Very large spoilers. That upset me greatly
I've lost you. How ridiculous is that? To finally have you here (holding me up, holding me in your arms) and it's me who's leaving. All the times I've thought of walking out, just running till there's no road left to run on, so far from home (from you). It can't truly be happening.
I don't want to leave – finally, there's nowhere I'd rather be and Jack, honey, you're finally here, and screaming through my head is that I can't leave yet, I can't leave now, I can't give up on this. Not now that I have finally have this, have you. But the choice isn't up to me Jack – if it were you have to see I wouldn't leave, wouldn't ever leave, wouldn't grow old but remain unchanged, with you, clinging to you forever. You have to know this by now.
There were days, back when you first returned, when I was so scared – scared of that old sometimes, the thought of dying, the thought of you leaving, the thought of never seeing you again. I wouldn't sleep on those days, torn awake by shadow dreams of you walking through the door. I'd sit awake at 3am and talk to you while you slept, until my voice was fading out and you'd question my monosyllaby the next morning. The rain would lash the outside world but I was safe, sitting beside you and watching you smile in your sleep. I felt safe, protected, even though I couldn't help but be scared by the thoughts that drifted across my mind. Talking to you made me feel...not alone. And I wished so hard that I could do the same while you were awake.
There were times when you'd wake up and ask me what I was talking about and I'd smile and say nothing when I really wanted to say that I loved you. That I'd get scared but talking at you made me feel safe because even when you were asleep I knew that you'd protect me, just like you did when you were awake. But I knew if I said that, you'd stay awake to calm me down, because you'd think I was lonely purely because it was three AM. And I'd noticed that you only slept when it was raining – like somehow, the dreams that would otherwise haunt you were silent on those nights. Some miracle for you, that Cardiff rains so bloody much.
I'm trying to force my words past the weight in my lungs and it's so hard and you're telling me to be quiet but I need you to hear me and understand what I'm saying. I love you. And I never told you because I knew that if I did you would think something bad was coming (too much happiness causes tragedy, look at Tosh and Owen) and I didn't want you to be scared (but honestly I didn't want you to deny my belief that you truly loved me too because I wouldn't be able to live or breathe because of the pain). So I'm trying to tell you know and let you know but you keep shushing me (you know how much I hate to be quieted, Jack, since I usually have less to say than everyone else) like somehow preserving the breath from these words will force me to live any longer when we both know it won't because my number's up.
And I hate that I'm making you promise not to forget me when I should be making you promise to get on with your life and to love again and all that stupid stuff people say when their friends are dead (they would've wanted you to move on, honest) but I'm selfish that way. I never could give you up, even when I'm lying in your arms on the floor of a government building and I'm feeling you die beside me. Even knowing you can come back, it hurts worse to see you like this than it does knowing that I won't ever see you again. Selfish, I know. But I never pretended to be anything else. But I do hope, hope against hope, that when you leave this room (and you will, and you'll live because that's what you do) that you manage to save them. All of them – not just those that are mine, not just my niece and nephew but all of them (although clearly mine mean more to me than the rest). Jack, I hope we win, even though I won't be there to see it.
But knowing that you're lying there (even though you're dying too, and I know now you feel every minute of this heavy, breathless gas pressing down on us), that means more to me right now than my family and Gwen and Rhys and everyone else. You were always my whole world. It's just that now the world has ended for me.
Possibly, for everyone.
But this, here? It's all I ever wanted. It just happened a great deal sooner than I'd expected. And Jack, honey, it was never your fault. With you, here, beside me it feels like it's 3am – only this time I know all your answers to my questions. And I'm not scared. I'm not lonely. You're still here to keep me safe, to keep me warm. You love me. That's all I ever wanted. And it's enough for me.