Prologue

"Our faces are darkened," Mona—I mean, a boyish voice spoke into the intercom that... none of them actually had.

"Even though EVERYONE already knows who we are..." Ann—I mean Panther—I mean girl who you DEFINITELY don't know followed up.

"And we're in the opening cut-scene too." The idiot of the group pointed out... which was probably the smartest thing he's ever done.

"..." Their leader, Akira Kurusu kept his silence because he could only talk in like three scenes outside of battle dialogue.

Akira faces 1st shadow

"I will now be much more useful here than I ever will be in-game." Arsene—I mean, 'the monster' said, wielding skills like Brave Blade that he couldn't learn on his own. Alas, that's prologue power for you.

"..." Akira kept his silence once more... like he had a choice.

Guards/Shadows corner Akira

Akira smirked at the guards/shadows that tried to back him into a corner. "I can talk," he said something about as relevant as any of his other lines of dialogue before jumping out the window.

ACTUAL police arrest Akira

"Ha, you've been sold out and you'll never guess who..." The officer said, as if the identity of the traitor couldn't be figured out by anyone who's just watched the marketing material alone.

"..." Akira once more kept silent.

Akira is interrogated

"I will now shoehorn in the we're corrupt and beat the living shit out of you." The officer said after breaking another one of Akira's ribs.

Akira could do nothing but keep silent as he was kicked. He was probably going to be urinating blood for a long time after all of this.

"Now, sign a piece of paper that'll serve as your Velvet Room contract..." The officer said before scratching his head, "I think, despite this being the future and... JUST SIGN IT!

Having no real choice in the matter, Akira signed it.

Few moments later, Sae Niijima walked in, "Hi, you're in the future which kills all life or death tension because you already know you'll be fine..." she explained the main flaw in all 'How we got here' narratives.

"..." Akira's insight was truly one of a kind.

"Now, tell me EVERYTHING and I'll listen and never call bullshit... even believe it after a certain point. I'll also serve as the Judgement link despite this being the future and... JUST TALK!" Sae screamed, trying not to think too hard about how all of this worked.

Akira enters Leblanc

"I will now treat you like crap for about a month or two, but you'll love me by the end anyway, for I am the Phantom Dad." Sojiro explained his role in the story. He may have acted like a dick, but we all love him by the end.

"..." Truly, Akira's input was most valued.

Akira signs up for school

The principle frowned as he saw the scum of the earth in front of him, "I will now treat you like crap—"

"Please add me to your harem!" Kawakami screamed, already falling victim to the true power of the Wild Card.

The principle looked after for a few moments awkwardly before continuing, "... Right. Anyway, we'll now treat you as if you're the scum of the Earth... Even though you only have one assault charge on a drunk guy." (disclaimer: The author later learned that this is due to a "Values Dissonance" or rather, a cultural difference. Japan takes criminal charges very seriously.)

Velvet Room

"Philemon? Pf, no one remembers him anymore... HA HA HA!" 'Igor' laughed as the Velvet twins spoke to Akira.

Velvet Twins spoke in unison, "We're the Velvet Lolis and we want to be a part of your harem, no matter how disturbing/creepy it seems."

Akira wrote in the diary that his caretaker had given him. "Twins - WTF?!"

Akira meets Ann

Ann tilted her head the moment she saw Akira and smiled, ".. Harem?"

Akira began to write in his diary again, "Ann - Harem material" might as well embrace it.

"Hey, allow me to give her a ride that you'll refuse for no reason just so you can see how miserable she is!" Kamoshida said before driving off.

Suddenly, A wild Ryuji appeared, "Can you talk?"

Akira nodded, "I can talk."

Ryuji grinned, finally some random guy he can hire as a pseudo-therapist, "Hi, did you know he's a piece of crap? Now you do! Let's be friends!"

Meets Shadow Kamoshida

"TEAR OFF YOUR FACE!" Arsene screamed at his soon-to-be user.

Once again not having any real choice, Akira ripped off a third of his face for an absolutely badass summoning of Arsene.

"Mwahaha! I have an ultra badass opening that will completely make you forget how useless i actually am in-game!" Arsene stated the sad truths. Who the hell wants to grind Reapers just to make Arsene decent?

Meeting Mona

Mona, the black cat bounced in the air upon meeting our favorite Wild Card, "I'm a Magician, so I'm the real best friend!"

Ryuji shook his head, "I was his first friend/link so I am!"

Both of them glared at Akira, "Which is it?!"

"..." Yeah, silence makes sense for this one.

Meeting Shiho

Shiho incidentally bumped into our hero, "Hi. I'm a character that you'll barely see, but you'll love me mostly because I wasn't a dick this one instant..."

Akira pointed to random floating sign that seemed to follow him wherever he went. The sign read "Shiho - Non-harem Material"

Shiho laughed as tears fell from her cheeks, "... Isn't the roof lovely this time of the year?"

Shiho jumps off the roof

"Why..?" Ann asked, completely shocked by the turn of events... what? Expected a joke here? Hell no, I'm not that screwed up in the head!

Ryuji turned to Akira, ready to do their first mission if they could get past this goddamn unskippable never-ending tutorial, "We'll now confront Kamoshida, allowing you to forget we actually used suicide to motivate you... Holy eff that's dark"

"..." As you can see, Akira clearly had all the choice in the world. Now don't misunderstand, anyone with a heart would agree to do this... we just need to think of the heartless too.

Confronting Kamoshida

Kamoshida laughed as the Phantom thieves came to steal his crown, "I will now act cartoonishly evil just so you forget you're actually about to brainwash someone!"

"..." The leader's opinions on the circumstances was still as crucial as ever.

Defeating Shadow Kamoshida

"You raped my friend... But I'll let you live since the players can't be allowed to hate me" Ann said the main reason she couldn't kill the most despicable bad guy, and also the last time a teammate killed someone in another persona game... that didn't end well.

"..." Akira merely stood by. He was getting quite good at that.

Ann turned around excited, "Was that a harem call?"

Living with Mona

Mona gave poor Akira the ground rules on how life would be like for as long as that damn cat remained with him, "I will now be with you 24/7. Everyone will love me, and I will now dictate when you can/can't go out at night because you clearly need to sleep when you've done nothing all day."

"..." He said nothing, but Akira silently cursed ATLUS for dumping this spawn of Satan on him.

Encountering Shido

"I will now act cartoonishly dick-ish to make you form the Phantom Thieves." Shido said after being a dick to Ryuji and Akira IN PUBLIC WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE HIM despite his nice guy public image.

Akira put a hand to his head as a headache formed.

"You will also have an obvious flashback killing any suspense as to who I am." Shido said before leaving, but was sure to have a portrait when he talked so everyone with a brain knows he'll show up again.

Meeting Yusuke

Yusuke pointed to Ann like a creep with the 'sheltered' excuse, "I want to paint a portrait of you!"

Ann shook her head and latched onto Akira, "Hands off! I only belong to Akira's harem!"

Ryuji was just completely lost at this point, "Dude, what the hell?"

"..." Akira was silently wondering why he could romance his teacher, his doctor, some fortune chick, an alcoholic, but not his male friend! Especially when there was a male option in P2. What the hell was going on?

Yusuke's Awakening

Yusuke grabbed onto the mask that he appeared on his face, "I will now easily tear of this mask which should be extremely painful!" he screamed before doing just that.

"..." Akira... I'm running out of things here. You get the idea.

"... Really never should've threaten to call the cops on you." Madarame thought in hindsight. Really not a smart move.

Confronting Shadow Madarame

"I will now be cartoonishly evil and describe a horrible event just so you forget that you're doing something as cruel/inhumane as literally brainwashing people." Madarame did pretty much the exact same as Kamoshida... and later Kaneshiro and Okumura, and then the Shido. They're really all the same.

"Wait, how did no one catch on?" Yusuke asked, realizing just how many pupils his teacher had gone through.

"What?" Madarame didn't quite get it.

In contrast, even Ryuji got it, "Dude, nowadays, you just write a post on Twitter or something about a celebrity and you've got a scandal."

"Seriously, you should be screwed by now." Ann just made the point all the more clear.

"..." Madarame for some reason thought that emulating Akira would help.

"..." But no one beats the master.

Meeting Goro

"I never had a trailer, spend my time dissing the Phantom Thieves, have ties to the police, and I have one of the few confidants that automatically rank up... I'm clearly not the traitor." Goro explained his innocence, because anyone else betraying Akira would make so much more sense.

"..." Even Akira wasn't fooled by that.

Goro continued, "I will also develop a strong, poorly developed rivalry with you that comes completely out of left field... And the reason you find me out is because of freaking pancakes. ALL HAIL THE PANCAKE MEMES!"

First meeting with Makoto

Makoto glared into Akira's eyes, "You will add me to your harem."

"Back off! He's mine!" Ann said, pouncing onto Makoto as they began clawing at each other.

"Never!" Makoto screamed as the clawing began punches and kicks that'd surely send both of them into the hospital.

"H-How... Just... How?" At this point, Ryuji just gave up on life.

"..." I... I dunno, Akira just kept silent. It's literally all he does.

Being blackmailed by Makoto

"I will now blackmail you... Even though your voice isn't recorded making the entire thing irrelevant to you... and... Shut up and add me to your harem already." Makoto just gave up already and said what was on the average player's mind.

"..." Akira sighed. The Wild Card should really just be renamed the Pimp card or something.

"Should I try not talking when I'm around Lady Ann?" Mona wondered, because it makes about as much sense as half the things in the game.

Ann hears the rumor about Makoto

"I will now be a massive hypocrite and assume Makoto knew about everything Kamoshida all because of rumors... Even though I'm a victim of rumors so I should be more skeptical and- Screw it, the plot must go on!" Ann became a massive hypocrite solely because the game demanded it. Yet, no one even calls her out on it just because.

Meeting Kaneshiro

"I will now threaten you with a debt, and repeatedly harass you with tons of evidence in the form of text messages and such. Aren't I a great criminal overlord?" Kaneshiro asked, with his mafia—Wait, Mafia? Isn't that a US thing? What about the yakuza? Really confusing since they're mentioned later in the game.

"..." Akira seriously wondered why he was doing all of this.

Kaneshiro shrugged, "... You'll do it for the harem."

Makoto's Awakening

"You'll never be part of the harem!" Kaneshiro gave the ultimate insult.

"You..." blood boiling with rage, Makoto tore off her mask immediately, "BASTARD!"

"... Shit." Kaneshiro instantly realized his mistake... and Kamoshida's... and Madarame's... and Okumura's, remember what I said about them all being the same?

Akira merely took the chance to update his harem diary, "Makoto - Extreme harem material" she gained bonus points for the cool motorcycle.

Defeating Kaneshiro

Kaneshiro sat on his pile of gold, "I will now give important plot details that I... How do I know any of this again?" (disclaimer: the author later learned he was apparently a financial backer. He didn't even learn it in the game—he was browsing TV Tropes.)

"..." You know what.

Getting Threatened by Medjed

Akira blinked as he saw the screen, "..."

Ann put a hand to her mouth, "OMG, so serious! It's not like those threats are made... What? All the time?"

Makoto nodded in agreement, "Indeed, let's go through a palace about a suicidal girl that'll make you completely forget about all of this until the very end."

Meeting Futaba

Futaba slowly stepped out of her closest and waved to Akira, "I-I'm nervous, quirky, adorable, and everyone will love me... C-Can you add me to your harem?"

"..." Wasn't she 15? Yeah, there was only a one-year difference in ages, but... she has the body of a child! This is allowed, but not male romance options?!

Futaba suddenly remembered to mention something, "O-Oh, and uh... You just so happen to be given to the one guy who adopted the daughter of the person researching what just-so-happens to relate to what you do..."

Facing Cog. Wakaba/Futaba Awakening

Mona tilted his massive head that was somehow supported by his neck, "Wait, should her awakening instantly destroy the palace? I already said that persona users can't have a palace."

"..." Akira gave up trying to make sense of this ages ago.

Makoto just shrugged, "Eh, you'll be distracted by us taking an awesome trailer pose!"

Everyone instantly stopped talking and posed for the trailer.

Going to the beach

Ryuji looked down at the feline, "I will now say 1 dick-ish line that will cause you to have an inferiority complex."

Mona screamed, "WHY?! Why am I listening to you?!"

Ryuji scoffed, "I dunno. Why can't I say F-... F-... F-... Dammit."

Akira smirked, "I can talk." because otherwise, the player would forget that he actually says stuff occasionally.

Meeting Yusuke in Hawaii

Yusuke appeared and stated his miracle, "I made it rain... In the West Coast of the US. They might be thankful if I visit there more."

Ryuji was about to explain why that made little sense, "But-"

Yusuke shrugged, "Who cares? This entire trip is 90% fan service and 9% filler and 1% actual plot. I mean, we already did beach scene."

"..." Which girl should he go with?

Mona Leaves

Mona nodded to everyone "I will now leave with my poorly developed inferiority complex that had obvious warning signs."

Everyone glared at Ryuji, even though it was their own damn fault for not noticing the most obvious inferiority complex since Junpei Iori!

Ryuji groaned because he knew no one was going to take his side, "... Goddamn cat power!"

Meeting Haru

Haru smiled innocently, "I'm rich, sweet, innocent, and even a bit of a sadist... Please add me to your harem!"

Akira did his usual, "Haru - Holy shit" this one might be dangerous.

Fast Forward to Goro joining

Goro continued be the innocent boy he was as he said, "Hi, I blackmailed you into letting me join. You're now going to have a conversation that fades out the second I leave, but I clearly don't have ill intentions. I mean, I'm about to put you through the game's best palace!"

"..." Yeah, no one in their right mind feel for that, except those that thought it was so obvious that it couldn't be it.

Meeting Shadow Sae

Sae appeared in a really revealing dress almost as if to completely tease the players, "Did you know I was intended to be a harem member? Ha! You'll never touch this goddess now!"

Akira actually felt sad about that one as he wrote in his harem diary, "Sae : WWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYY?!"

Prologue Start Again

Mona spoke as everything was back where it began, "Alright, time to redo EVERYTHING you've already done!"

"..." Maybe Akira should just let himself be shot and be done with this?

Goro's assassination attempt

Goro smirked as he aimed the gun at his arch-enemy... because they were those apparently, "Time for you to unleash your master plan while I shoot you in the head!"

"..." Cog. Akira perfectly emulated his true form before dying.

Akira v. Goro

Goro sighed, because even he was tired of what the game had done with him at this point, "Our rivalry was poorly developed, had no real development, and was completely rushed like the second half of this game."

Ryuji asked, apparently not knowing what 'betrayed' and 'traitor' even meant, "Why'd you betray us?!"

Goro tilted his head as several questions about the intellegance about these people came to mind, "Er... You know the term is "Infiltrator", right?"

Makoto kept glaring however, "Why'd you do it?!"

Goro finally broke down and screamed, "MY DADDY NEVER LOVED ME!"

"..." he wasn't part of the harem, but that didn't stop Akira from writing, "Goro - Bitch material"

Akira v. Goro Part 2

Goro laughed as he summoned his second persona, "Ha! I'm a Wild Card too... Which means nothing because I only use one other persona... And you've already grinded exploding despair reapers."

Akira shook his head and wrote, Goro - Ultra Bitch Material

Confronting Shadow Shido

Shido laughed like every cliched villain ever, "I will now act cartoonishly evil like the rest of the villains."

"..." Akira gave up on this game's second half hours ago.

Shido sighed, "Yeah, I'm nothing special am I?" At least someone was self-aware.

Yaldabaoth reveals himself

Yaldabaoth finally showed himself and stopped impersonating the man with the longest nose ever, "This entire set up was absurd since it was completely one sided. But you won't care, you'll be distracted by the option to pick an awesome semi-evil ending!"

"..." Akira actually smiled because by god, that alternative ending is awesome.

Lavenza had just one question, "Where's Nyarly?"

Yaldabaoth's evil laugh was suddenly disrupted, "What?"

Lavenza cleared her throat before explaining, "Your plan is to remove the chaos from everyone by controlling them... Shouldn't Nyarlathotep have something to say about that?"

Yaldabaoth laughed again, "Oh, no one remembers him! He and Philemon are off playing a high-stakes poker game with Nyx!"

Summoning Satanael

Satanael descended from the heavens in the most badass persona summoning ever as it said, "This scenario was kinda BS, but you'll be distracted by my badass entrance!"

Akira took the chance to aim his gun at the evil villain and said, "... I can talk" before thief boy who had summoned Satan shot God in the head to save Christmas.

Meeting Sae

Sae appeared out of nowhere to try and fool the players into thinking they won't get a happy ending by saying, "Hi, I need you to turn yourself in. What could you provide since you have absolutely no evidence of Shido doing anything, everything you witnessed was in the Metaverse which is now gone, and he's brainwashed so there's no real need to do anything... What was my point again?"

"..." Akira just shook his head.

Prison Visit

"We cleared your first charge so you're free to go. Never mind that you admitted to being the leader of the Phantom thieves which are confirmed criminals who are confirmed to have at least violated one radio act that the author can't remember the name of." Sae told Akira, because everyone knows this was just an excuse to show off confidantes actually doing something.

"..." Akira shivered, not missing the battles his harem got into.

Sae sighed as she decided to stop playing dumb, "Look, after P3, we don't have the stones to give you a sad ending again. Especially when we can milk you with spin offs now!"

Valentine's Day

Harem laughed as they backed Akira into a corner, "Ha, you thought it was that easy?!"

"..." Akira did what he did best, but this was more out of fear.

Harem continued, "We fooled you into romancing all of us, so now it's time to pay!" then, the harem attacked them, knocking him senseless until Sojiro used his own pimp powers to somehow convince them that he was faithful the whole time... holy crap, maybe Sojiro's the real hero of Persona 5?

Road Trip

Akira turned to the camera just because it looked cool and said, "... I'm not dead pool, but I just broke the 4th wall... Also, I can talk."

GrimReaperJr1232 : Before you say ANYTHING... I love this game. Really, I give it a solid 8/10. So don't any of you dare say I'm judging it unfairly. It's a joke, have a sense of humor.