Death's Motivation
By: Jupi-chan
What if you had a dream about your own death? What if you knew how you were going to die? What if you knew when you were going to be killed...What if it was tomorrow? So many questions that no one should have to answer but yet I'm stuck with all of them. My name is Usagi Tsukino and I am going to die. Believe me, this is not how I expected to go either. As a matter of fact, I didn't much expect to even have to broach the idea of dieing at such a young age. Ironic seeing as how I face death every time I go out to fight another youma from the negaverse. Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning. Now I know what you're thinking.. "It's just a dream". Well I would have thought so as well if it hadn't been for this completely overwhelming feeling I had when I woke up. You could say that I woke up dead. I felt like a thousand pound elephant was sitting on me after it had ate about 100 cheesecakes and washed it down with 20 gallons of chocolate milk. I felt trapped to say the least.
It's now 12:47 pm, exactly 3 hours 27 minutes and…13 seconds since woke up. I'm sitting here in my room just thinking to myself. There's so much I wanted to do with my life and now I can't accomplish a thing. Not to mention I still have some calculus homework from last night that I didn't even do. I'm actually thinking of a list of things I have to do before the day is out because seeing that I won't have the chance to do it tomorrow. I'm glad that Luna isn't here, I don't know how I would explain all this to her. I think I am a little to calm about the whole dieing thing. But I can't help it. I guess there's no use in me running around babbling like an idiot about how I am going to die. I wouldn't get anything done. So I'll just be brave…ha…brave, a word I wouldn't think to associate with myself…yeah yeah, I know I'm the champion of justice and all that but it doesn't mean I'm not scared half the time I go out there to fight. I'm only 19 years old for Kami's sake. I know, don't say it. 19 years old and still at home. Well Tokyo University isn't that far away so what's the point in getting a dorm. Not to mention I wouldn't survive a day away from this place. But back to the matter at hand. What teenager has to deal with evil creatures from some place called the negaverse? My biggest threat should be if I have a zit on class picture day. Yes it's true that I have 4 great friends to help me out and it has been 5 years in counting so I should be used to it, but that only makes it a little bit better. Speaking of my friends, that reminds me that I have to get up and get ready. I have a hard tedious day ahead of me.
"Usagi, are you up? Breakfast is ready!" I hear my mother call from downstairs and wince. The first on my list of things to do. Tell my parents and my bratty little brother who I really am...this should be fun.
"I'm coming!" I call down to her as I scramble around to get dressed. I had been sitting at my dresser with only a towel wrapped around me after my shower. Man I would have thought a nice cold shower would have woken me up but I still feel like I'm half asleep…or half dead. In any case I pull on some blue shorts and a white tank top with a pink playboy bunny etched on and leave my room. I take my time going down the steps running my hand against the marvelously carved banister. My dad and brother made it. One of those father son ventures that see on those corny family shows. Not that I don't have those moments with my mother like when kick the guys out and have a girls night in and just have fun together. I reach the last step and almost tear up as I place my hand on the beautifully carved ball at the end of the banister. My brother made it just for me. It was carved to look like my hair. He even had the word "odango" engraved in the wood. I have Rei-chan the pyro to thank for that one. He had heard her calling me that one day and started using the word from then on…even though Rei-chan had actually gotten it from Mamoru. My heart turns at the thought of him. Not yet. I take a deep breath, let it out slowly, blink my eyes a couple times to keep the tears back then strode into the kitchen like a queen into her court. My family is sitting around the table eating breakfast. I can't help but smile at their faces when they turn to look at me.
"Ha look, odango is awake before 1:00." My brother teases as he chews on another bite of waffle.
"Yes Shingo, I'm awake before 1:00." I say with a smile as I walk over and muss up his hair despite his protests.
"That's good dear. You actually have time to eat something before you go off to school now. Sit down and let me make you a plate." My mother says as she pushes me down into a seat next to dad. She sets a plate of eggs, pancakes, and some bacon in front of me.
Ah American style breakfast, gotta love it. I stuff a large wedge of pancake in my mouth and savor the taste. After all this might be the last time I taste my mothers cooking. "This is really good." I say through a mouthful.
"Chew sweetie, don't want a repeat of last time." My father says from behind his newspaper.
I swallow and laugh at the memory of the last time I had shoveled down my breakfast, nearly choked to death on those eggs. Fun times. I eat the remainder of my breakfast at a fairly moderate pace. As I finish I look up at the kitty clock on the wall and see that it's now 1:12. My first class is at 1:45, so that leaves me about 30 minutes to tell everything to my family. Of course this will be the extremely short version. I stand up from the table and clear my throat. "Alright everyone, I have something very important to tell you. Will you please follow me into the living room." I say in the most controlled voice I could muster. I leave the kitchen and go into the living room standing in front of the couch. They file in and sit down looking at me oddly.
"Is there anything the matter dear?" My mom asks.
"Not exactly. What I am about to tell you may come as a shock. You might not even believe me. You might even be tempted to call the insane asylum but I am telling the truth." I pause and lower my head. "I, you're loving child, the fruit of your loins, the eldest offspring, am, the one and only….Sailor Moon, champion of justice and protector of all that is good and innocent.
The first one to speak was of course Shingo. "You…are kidding right?" He said as he tried to hold in a laugh, which was making me angry.
"Well we already knew that sweetie." My father said.
Right about now I fall face first on the floor. "WHAT?!" how do you know?
"Come on, we're parents, we know all that goes on in our children's lives. Besides, you aren't exactly miss stealthy so we just caught you one time sneaking out you're window." My mother said with a smile.
It seemed that the only one surprised was Shingo and then of course me because they already knew. He still was looking at me like I was crazy though, periodically switching glances between our parents and me. "This is crazy." He said as he lowered his head into his hands.
"I know how you feel." I groan and shake my head. Well if anything this was easier then I had thought it might be, though still every bit as uncomfortable. "Well, now that you know, I guess I can leave with a clear conscience." I say.
"Leave where?" My mother asks looking at me.
I stop momentarily wondering if I should tell them about my dream. I don't think I should. It won't help matters. So instead I lie, much like I've done the past 5 years. "To..school, yeah, to school." I say with a shaky smile. "I uh, just wanted to get this whole thing off my chest. So now that I do, I can go…to school." I leave them in the living room and jog back upstairs grabbing my backpack. I jog back down the stairs eager to get out of the situation uttering a low goodbye. Well at least that's number one checked off my mental list. As I get into my car and go over what to do next. I have to talk to each one of my friends individually. Now this I don't know how it's going to turn out. The first person on my list is Makoto. I don't really know what I'm going to say but I'm sure it'll come to me.
Mako-chan and I aren't exactly two peas in a pod. Though we still do have our own unique form of closeness. She taught me how to cook, a miracle in itself. And now that I think about it she's actually been like a big sister to me. Always protective of me, looking out for me, she has the whole big sister thing down. It makes me want laugh just thinking about the times we shared together. Especially the first time she had tried to teach me how to cook. Now that was a fun time…minus the trip to the hospital and the 13 stitches I had to get after a "minor" incident with a kitchen knife and the tip of my middle finger. But I'll leave that story for Mako-chan to tell. I pull into the university and park in the student lot getting out my things. I'm always amazed at how big this place is. It's like a little town in itself. Guess I better I hurry up, my first class is with Mako-chan and I'm about to be late. I sigh as I see the young bright faces of the future walk down the hallway and put on a fake smile as I see a couple friends, bidding them a good morning. I'm jealous of them. Pushing down my spitefulness for their exuberance I make my way into my class and sit next to Mako-chan.
"Good afternoon Usagi, on time for once I see." She says to me in a cheerful tone. She really is a cheerful person if you get to know her.
"Hey Mako-chan." I say with the same fake smile plastered on my face. "Listen, we both have break after class how bout we go and get some ice cream or something, I have some things to tell you."
"Al..right, sure. Anything important?" she asks.
"Well yes and no, but I'll tell you later alright, for now, let's learn some macro-economics." I say with an actual smile this time.
Mako smiles back which makes me feel a lot more comfortable and ready for what I have to say next.
My professor walks in and the class starts. I do realize that Mako keeps stealing worried glances in my direction of which I do pointedly ignore. I think if I were to look at her and those big green eyes I'd break down. It's already this hard and she's only the first friend I'm talking to. I still got three others plus one more person that I don't EVEN want to think about right now. Class does finally end after one grueling hour and forty-five minutes. We are mostly quiet as we leave the class together and go to my locker and put our things up. It's a miracle Mako-chan hasn't exploded already and asked what was the matter. When she wanted to she could get anything out of someone, and I know if she tried she could have already got it out of me. But she was actually restraining herself. Probably because she understood the seriousness of the situation. We exchange idle chitchat as we walk outside; she volunteered to take her car.
"Sooo, what's up?" Mako-chan asks me as she sits in the passenger seat.
"How long have we known each other Mako-chan?" I ask.
"5 years and counting." She replies.
"Not long enough huh." I say again.
"What do you mean?" Mako asks again.
I don't say anything just yet. The Crown Café is just ahead and she goes and parks. I sit there a second quietly before I get out. I know Mako wants to know what's wrong; the curiosity is just eating away at her. We step into the café and take our usual booth, and immediately one of the younger waitresses come and takes our order.
"Usagi what's the matter?" Mako chan says. Geez, she sure is asking a lot of questions.
"You've been a great friend to me over the years Mako, and I don't know how to thank you for it." I start.
"Well, you welcome I guess." She says awkwardly.
I laugh slightly at her uneasiness. "What I mean to say is that I appreciate all you've done for me. You taught me how to cook, how to fend for myself, how to even take care of a plant without killing it the next day. Needless to say salt water is a no no when watering plants." I say in an attempt at humor.
"Ha, yes, poor plant never saw it coming." Mako laughs, more herself now.
"Ha, yeah." I pause and choose my next words carefully. "Mako even if it's only been 5 years I feel like I've known you my whole life. You've been there for me just about every time I needed ya and then some."
"Did you just wake up and decide it was Mako appreciation day or something?" She asked as she gave me an odd look.
"Funny, but no. I'm going away Mako-chan, don't ask me where or when or any of that just know that I'm going away. I...I just wanted to let you know how grateful to have you as one of my close friends." I rush out.
"Well that leaves me pretty speechless Usagi. What am I suppose to say to that?" She asks.
"Nothing, just know that you and the rest of the girls mean a lot to me." I stand up and she stands up as well. I give her a big hug. "I'm not in the mood for ice cream anymore." I hand her a 10-dollar bill. "Here this should cover it." Before she can say anything else I leave out the café. I know she's going to come after me so I run. I find an alley and hide there. I can hear her calling my name but I can't go back. I'll break down I just know it. I wait there in the alley leaning against the dirty brick wall for about 5 minutes. Class starts soon so I know that she can't stay out here looking for me. After I'm calmed down enough and sure that she is gone I leave and start walking down the street. I heave a big sigh. One down 3 to go; next up on the list Ami-chan. I look at my watch, 4:14. Time is going by a tinch to quick. Sure do wish I brought my car now. I got a ways to walk to get to her computer class. Pretty sure it's down on Mizu Street…or was it Mizau Street. Oh shoot, this really isn't the perfect time for getting lost. I've got sad goodbyes to give damnit! Guess I'll keep walking on this street and hope I run into the place…30 minutes have gone by and I'm still walking along these streets. Not a sign of that computer school. This is just great. Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse…
"Usagi?" I hear a soft voice speak my name from behind me. I stop and turn around.
"Ames?!" What are you doing here? Thought you were at school. Where is your school?" I rush out as I jump to her and give her a big hug.
"You forgot again did you. It's on Mizu Street." She says with that light laugh of hers as she hugs me back. "And my class is over so I thought I'd take a walk. The question is what are you doing out here so far from the university, thought you had class still."
"Well yeah, I still do have class…but I came out here looking for you." I say.
"Looking for me? What for?"
"Lets walk alright." I request. She nods and we start walking along the busy streets of Tokyo.
"So what is it you want to talk to me about Usagi?" She asks.
"Well... Ames you are a very unique person. You have an intelligence to rival the greatest minds of our time. You are well on your way to becoming an excellent pediatrician. You have accomplished so much in life. Much more then I'd ever hope to achieve in several lifetimes let alone one. And yet you've still stayed the cool calmed headed, down to earth and ever faithful, loyal and overall great friend. For all that and more I thank you." I declare.
"Well, thank you very much for thinking so highly of me Usagi." She says bowing her head down and blushing in that meek little manner of hers. "But if I may ask, why exactly are you flattering me?"
I have to laugh at that one. "It's not so much as that I'm flattering you Ames, it's more of me just letting you know that I do cherish your friendship a lot." I say.
"And is there any reason for you coming out and telling me all this now? I already know that you appreciate me as I do you and the others." She says.
"As a matter of fact there is a reason Ami, I'm..going away." I say. I cringe as the same confused look shows on her face, as did Mako's.
"Where, when, why?" She asks hurriedly.
This is why I wouldn't let Mako ask. What am I suppose to say to that? Well Ames I'm going to die by tomorrow so I thought I'd just say my final goodbyes and all? She'd think I was losing it! "I'm sorry Ames but I can't answer any of those questions. Please don't ask me why I can't answer them either." I say.
"I guess I have to respect that…" She says unsurely.
I give her another hug and hold her tight for several minutes. "Trust me, I'd stay if I can, but it isn't up to me." I whisper before I pull back and smile sadly at her. "I've got to go now okay."
"Can you at least tell me if you are coming back, and do the others know about this?" She asks hastily her eyes full of worry.
"Not everyone knows yet, that's why I've got to stop by the rest and tell them. And I highly doubt I'm coming back." I say sardonically. I turn around and start walking away through the crowed sidewalk leaving behind a perturbed Ami. I can't help but feel bad for doing this to them. I wish I could just sit everyone down and tell them what was happening. But I know I can't. First off they won't believe me. Or if they believe me then they wouldn't want to let me out of their sight. And something else just came to me. If I know how I'm going to die then why don't I just try to avoid it? Well in answer to my own question I just simply doubt I'd be able to for some reason. Things like this just have their way of coming around to get you no matter what. Man, I sure do wish the outer senshi were here. At least I'd be able to ask Setsuna if she knew or something. But then again, why wouldn't she? But if she does then why isn't she here right now trying to console me? Ah that's a stupid question I know why. What's the point of her coming or making the others come? It'd just be harder on me because I'd have to say goodbye to them to. And Michi-chan and Ruka-chan are too protective of me, and I dare say the most loyal to their princess.
Alright, I just realized I've been babbling to myself and not realizing where I was going…where was I going anyway? Oh yeah, number 3 on my list, Mina-chan. Well she should at least be home by now. Ok, I know I'm all health conscious and all but her place to far and I do not feel like walking. So let me go head and catch me a cab. I join the mass of yelling pedestrians on the edge of the sidewalk as they holler for transportation. Good thing I'm wearing shorts, so much easier to get a cab. And right on cue here comes one right now. As the car parks in front of me I bend over and smile at the googly eyed looking cab driver. I swear all men are alike. I get in the back and tell him where I need to be and he nods before speeding away. 15 minutes later, which would be 7 dollars and 50 cents. I pay the man and ignore his comment on my rear end as I get out the car. If we were aloud to use our sailor powers on normal people that guy would have been moon dust. But anywho, back to reality. Mina-chan. I look up at the apartment complex and smile. She's doing well for her self. Unlike the rest of us she had postponed college to get an early start in her career in modeling and she was doing a very good job at it from the looks at the place she lived now. I walk up to the door and press the buzzer with Aino written next to it and wait.
"Hello, who is it?" I hear her voice come on.
"It's me Mina-chan." I say.
"Usa-chan? Well hey, come on up." She says before a buzzing sound is heard and I pull open the door.
I make my way over to the elevator and go up to the 3rd floor and down the hall to where Mina-chan's apartment is. The door is already opened a crack so I just let myself in. And of course I get crushed by an almost identical version of myself. "Hey Mina-chan." I struggle to say from the death grip she calls a hug.
"It's nice to see you Usa-chan, how are you?" She says in that bubbly tone she's best known for.
"I just wanted to stop by and talk to you about a few things is all." I say. Alright self. No long detailed sayings this time. Keep tear ducts dry, don't show saddened emotions. Check, check and check.
"Really? Well sit down, I'll make some tea." She says.
"No no, I don't have the time to sorry to say." I decline.
"Oh, well then, what's on your mind Usa?" She asks looking at me with a more serious expression.
"You have become so successful over the past couple years Mina-chan. You already got a modeling gig. And with that that beautiful voice of yours it won't be long before you break into superstardom. You are so talented, athletic, beautiful, great actress, on a side note you killed the part of Juliet in the high school play." I say with barely a breath.
"Ha, well thank you for the compliments Usa-chan, but I'm not all that great." She says.
"You know you are, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make. You already know how talented you are. I just wanted to let you know that I know how talented to you as well. And even though you will be drawn away from all of us by your soon to be famous career I know that you won't change. You'll still be the loveable Mina-chan that everyone knows and loves."
"Oh stop that Usa-chan, I don't want to leave everyone behind. I don't care if I do become famous or not, I'm going to find a way to stay near you all. Don't make it seem that I'm going to leave as soon as I get my first singing or acting contract." She says to me. It's sad and yet comforting to see that she still thinks she could stay here. No matter how much she loves this place she's going to be drawn away to the glittering life that is fame and fortune.
"I'm sorry Mina-chan, I just wanted to tell you that you'll always be my Mina-chan, my twin, one of my close friends and fellow teammate. Don't you dare forget that or I'll come back and get you." I say giving her a hug.
"Come back? You plan on leaving before I do or something?" She asks and I wince at my slip up.
"Oh, no no, it's just babbling." I lie. "I uh, I got to go now though, I've got a couple more stops to make."
"Oh, ok, well it was nice having you stop by and the next time you do you better be happier, none of this nonsense about me or any of the other girls leaving." She said as she hugged me tighter. "None of us are gonna leave the other alone."
"I wish that were true." I whisper to myself before I back away from the embrace. "Don't change Mina-chan."
"I won't if you won't." She says with a smile and a wink.
I smile and shake my head. "Well, just remember me as I am now okay."
"Of course Usa-chan." She says.
"I'll see you." I hug her one more time before I leave out the door. I lean against the elevator wall as I ride down and sigh. This is getting harder by the minute. It's wearing me out. And damnit I have to get another cab back too. I'm wasting money here. But then again, it's not like I'm going to need it by the end of today anyway. So I call for a taxi downstairs in the lobby and wait for it to come. Another 20 minutes later it arrives and I get in telling the driver, whom is thankfully a woman, to take me to the Shinto Shrine. A 40-minute drive and 20.00 dollar cab fair later I am standing at the bottom of the Shrine steps. I look down at my watch and see that it's now 7:27. Oh how time flies. I make my way up the stairs and to the back part of the temple wear Rei's room is. I knock on the partition and call out her name but no one answers. She's probably meditating. So I make my way around the front and to the Great Fire's room. I slide the partition open slightly and low and behold there she is sitting on the floor in her ceremonial robes. You know, she looks every bit the fire goddess that she is in front of the Fire. I don't know how she can sit there though. I know I fell asleep one to many times. I'm not going to disturb her either so I'll just wait outside. I sit down on the wall next to the room and lean my head back thinking. This seems like the longest yet shortest day I've ever had. Man, just thinking is making me sleepy...
"Odango?" I hear a voice speak from my hazy state of mind.
"I'm up I'm up." I say groggily as I open my eyes slowly.
"Why are you outside my home sleeping like a vagrant?" Rei asks.
"Oh, hey Rei, I just stopped by to talk to you is all." I say with a yawn. "What time is it?"
"It's going on 8:30." She says as she helps me stand up.
"You're kidding me!" I screech. "I've been asleep here for an hour?"
"It seems like it, I just got done with meditating." She says.
"Ohh man, I didn't expect to be here that long." I groan.
"Had some other place to be other then stalking me?" She said in that oh so lovely, NOT, sarcastic tone of hers.
"As a matter of fact, yes I did pyro." I said in a biting tone while stretching.
"Well then, better hurry up and tell me why ya wanted to talk to me Odango." She said.
"Ohh yeah, well uh, I just wanted to say—"
"Hold that thought, let me get changed first." She says as she walks down to her room and I follow. I swear, she's so rude. Can't she see that I'm trying to actually show her some appreciation in my final hours in this world? Then again, she can't. I follow her into her room and wait while she gets changed.
"You realize a snail can move faster then you." I say impatiently. What can I say, even when I'm going to die I still have to insult her. Hard habit to kick.
"Shut up Odango, I'm done." She says as she comes out the bathroom with some pajama pants and a black tank top. "Now what is it you want to tell me?"
"You make things so hard to say you know." I say with a sigh as I pinch the bridge of my nose. Before she can say anything else I get up, walk over to her, and give her a hug. "You, out of all the senshi, I'm going to miss. Even if you don't believe me, you are my best and closest friend pyro." I say shutting my eyes tight trying to hold back my tears.
"Oh Usagi-chan, you really didn't have to tell me that." She says to me softly as she hugs me back.
I sigh and pull back enough to see her face and smile, my eyes watery. "Yes I did, I wouldn't have made it through all these years of fighting our enemies if it weren't for you. You were always there encouraging me even if you did it by insults."
"It's my duty to be there for you odango, you should know that already. And besides, insulting you is one of my favorite pastimes." She says with a smile.
I laugh a little and hug her again before pulling away and plopping down on the bed. "I really am going to miss you Rei-chan."
"Where are you going?" She asks me sitting down on the bed next to me.
"Away." I say looking down.
"You gotta do better then that odango." She says to me bringing a finger under my chin and lifting my head up to look at her.
"That's all I can say Rei-chan, believe me I'd like to tell you where I was heading." I say.
"Then why don't you, what's keeping you from telling me." She asks looking at me.
"It's not that you won't believe me, but, you won't believe me." I say.
"Why wouldn't I believe you?"
"Well because it's something that's not believable." I try and explain.
"We've fought youmas from other dimensions, been in more odd situations then I can count, and encountered some of the strangest creatures ever, I think I can handle it." She said with a smirk.
"I'm tired." I say. "Do you mind if I take a nap here?" Evasion, wonderful tick taught to me by our very own Sailor Mercury. Maybe I can postpone this as long as I can.
"Uh, yeah sure Usa-chan, I guess so." She says awkwardly.
"Thank you, I've had a extremely long day." I speak as I lay back on the bed and cross my arms over my face.
"You rest all you need to odango, maybe you'll want to talk to me when you wake up." I hear her say. In a few minutes I actually do fall asleep.
"She's been here since around seven something." I can hear a voice speaking which I automatically pick out as Rei-chan's.
"Has she told you anything?" I hear another voice. It sounds like Mina-chan's.
"Not anymore then she's told you guys I suppose." Rei-chan says again.
"She's been acting odd since school." I hear Mako-chan's voice now.
"Maybe she's ill?" Ami-chan's voice says.
"I'm not sick you guys." I say as I sit up groggily looking around the room. I look down at my watch and stare at the digits. 10:48! "Oh man, I gotta go." I say as I jump off the bed but unfortunately am blocked from the door by Mako-chan.
"You aren't leaving until you tell us all what's up. You've been acting weird all day, first you come to school on time which is scary in itself, but you've been going around talking to each of us like you were going to never see us again or something." Mako says to me.
"Yeah, please tell us, where are you going." Ami-chan pleads with me. I can't bear to look into those worried eyes. I can't stand to look at any of them right now.
"Just..just let me go please, I can't tell you all." I say looking down, several tears escaping. The pressure of today is going to make me explode.
"Usa-chan, you said your self we are all your closest friends, if you can't trust us then who can you trust?" Mina-chan says as she comes up and places her hands on my shoulders.
"I do trust you all really. Trust has nothing to do with it." I whisper.
"Then tell us, we'll understand whatever it is." Rei-chan speaks coming up by my side.
I break down right there. I can't stand to lie to them anymore. "Ok already, you guys want to know what's been wrong with me all day? You want to know why I'm acting 'weird'"? Well I'm sure you all would be acting just a bit strange if you knew you were going to die by the end of the day! So yes, you were right Mako-chan, you aren't going to see me ever again, because I'm going to die. That's why I've been going around saying my final goodbyes. I didn't want to tell you all what was really wrong because for one, you wouldn't believe me, and two, even if you did believe me I wouldn't want you all knowing that I was going to die and trying to help me out. I don't need you're help. I'm going to die and that's it. And you know what really bites? You all have died for me time and time again and here I am going to die, and it's not even to save your lives. Believe me, if I could choose when and how I was going to die I would make it so it would be in giving you all a chance to live again. I would die a thousand deaths for all of you and it still wouldn't make up for the enduring love and trust you have of me. But I can't even do that for you. Death isn't waiting for me, it's coming for no matter what. This kind of thing is inevitable so there's no reason in trying to postpone it. It'd just make things harder. Of which it is now since you all are here not to mention that this whole thing is tearing me apart!" I yell out in frustration, the tears now flowing.
Everyone just stands there looking at me like I'm crazy. I knew it. Before any of them can say anything to me I bolt out of there pushing Mako out the way and running out the temple. It's raining hard out and everything is dark save for the full moon out. The rain beats down on me soaking me instantly as I tear down the stairs. I trip on the last one and am sent sprawling to the ground where I scrape my knee. I wince in pain knowing that I'm bleeding but at the moment I don't care. I get up and start running down the street. To where exactly I'm not sure. I just know I need to run. My tears mix with the rain as they fall down my face. My vision is blurred, everything around me looks like a watercolor painting. I keep running until my chest becomes tight and my legs become sore. I stop and double over holding my hands on my legs as I try to catch my breath, hiccupping from the overall exhaustion. My whole body hurts. My clothes are stuck to me like a second skin, my hair matted to my forehead. I want to just sit down on the sidewalk right there and wait for my death. But something keeps me from falling completely out.
A bolt of lightning flashes across the sky followed by a loud burst of thunder. I look up into the sky tears still streaming down my face. I see the moon and I remember what few memories I have of my past life there. The senshi were there, my real mother was there, Luna and Artemis, everyone…even Mamoru. Mamoru! I need to see him before I go; I have to. I look around my surroundings trying to pinpoint where I am. I have to blink a couple times and wipe the water from my eyes. I'm standing in front of Mamoru's apartment complex. Deciding not to question exactly how I got here I just head inside. I ignore the strange looks of the desk clerk and several other people in the lobby. I walk over the elevator and step in, pressing the 5th floor button. I wait and the elevator dings at its arrival. I step out and start walking down the hallway to his apartment. Every step I take is like a heavy thud and leaves a pounding in my ears. My heart thumps in my chest harder and harder as I get closer to his door. I'm now standing in front of it. I bring up a hand and start hitting the door. In seconds I hear his voice coming through the door.
"Alright alright, I'm coming, hold on a second will ya!" He says before he opens the door and sees me. His face shows great surprise at my presence. Imagine how I must look like to him, a drowned rat image comes to mind. "Odan—" I cut him off as I dive into his arms and start crying into his chest. I hold on to him like grim death as he takes me into his apartment and shuts the door.
I try to speak but I can't. I'm shivering and crying and can't form a single sentence.
"Shhh, Usako, my Usako, it'll be alright." I hear him speak softly into my hair.
I cry more at the endearment that he calls me. I've only heard him call me that one time before. Back then I was too afraid to admit my feelings for him and I pushed him away. This is the first time in years he's held me like this. I close my eyes and just stay in his warm embrace; letting his soft words caress me. He places soft kisses on the top of my head as he runs a hand through my wet locks. I can't help but cry harder as he treats me so caringly. Like we've been together forever. Oh how I wish we could have been. It's a long while before he calms me down enough to soft whimpering. We're sitting on his couch right now. I sort of feel sorry for no doubt ruining his fine leather furniture and probably expensive shirt.
"I'm…sorry for coming here so late." I manage to get out.
"It's ok Usak…Usagi." He says. My heart aches when he switches back to my name. "You know you are welcome here anytime."
"I know, thank you." I say simply.
"You're hurt. That scrape looks bad. I'll get something to clean it up." He says taking note of the cut on my knee.
I just nod dumbly as he gets up and leaves me in the living room. I take the time to look around his place. Neat as usual. He returns shortly with a small towel, some medication, and a bowl of water. Without saying a word to me he lifts my leg up gently and dabs softly at the scrape with the wet towel. After the wound is for the most part clean he reaches down and picks up a small brown bottle. I can't help but groan as I figure out what it is.
"Iodine helps with the disinfecting Odango." He answers my displeased utterance with that gorgeous smile of his.
I look at him teary-eyed putting on my most pathetic looking face in hopes of foregoing the inevitable pain to ensue.
"Don't want you're beautiful knee getting infected do you?" He asks tenderly. Before I get to answer he pours a little iodine on the towel and then dabs it on the cut. I wince and jerk my knee back but he holds it firm and blows softly on it.
I involuntarily sigh at the care he is taking with me. The pain subsides quickly and he bandages the cut after. "I have to tell you something." I say tentatively looking at him.
"Lets get you of those wet clothes first. You're shivering." He says. It's true; I'm as cold as hell. Cold as hell, I wonder who came up with that phrase. "Al..alright."
He helps me up and half carries me down the hallway and to his room. He sets me down on the bed and goes for his drawer, pulling out an overly large button down blue shirt and some boxer shorts. He leaves the room so I can get changed. I peel off my wet clothes tossing them to the side and don the new thankfully dry clothes. I revel in the feel of his shirt. So soft and warm, it even smells a little like him. I pull on the boxers after and then leave the room. I walk down the hallway and see him in his kitchen.
"I'll make you some hot chocolate to warm you up." He says to me in a normal tone. Like he's done this everyday for the past 5 years.
"Thank you." I utter from lack of anything else to say. He's always had that effect on me. Except of course when he managed to push the right buttons and we get the fighting. Everyone at the Crown Café can verify the truth of that statement. I sigh as I just see him standing there in the kitchen like that and wonder what could have been. I settle down on the couch and wait for him to finish. Might as well wait a little longer. It's not like in a rush to tell him what I want to. Though…time is running short. I look at my watch to confirm my time left, 11:10. That hardly seems like enough time but it'll have to do. I watch him come out of the kitchen with two cups of hot chocolate and smile in thanks as he hands one to me, his fingers momentarily straying over mine as he hands it over.
"So, what is it that you wanted to tell me?" He asks inquisitively as he looks at me.
I stare into the chocolate swirls in my drink and dab at the little marshmallow inside. Unsure of how to start I just sit there in silence periodically taking sips of the drink.
"Usagi?" He asks again, with a bit of a worried tone.
"I'm...sorry, I've had a rough day, and I'm just not quite all here." I offer an excuse.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." He says wholeheartedly.
I sigh and set the cup down on the coffee table in front of us and turn to him. I remove the cup from his hands and set it down as well before taking his hands in my own. I continue with what I'm going to say despite his curious looks. "Mamoru, my Mamo-chan. How much time has past since the last time we've been together like this. 5 years, unbelievable. That is too long, too much time wasted. I'm so sorry for not being ready. I was young. The whole destiny of being together thing was too much for me. All my life I've dreamt of living a fantasy filled life. I would be the princess and my prince charming would come for me and we'd live happily ever after. Here I have that, more or less, and yet I've run away from it all.
"It's not your fault Usako—" He says but I cut him off.
"Shh Mamo-chan, let me get this out before it's too late." I say softly. "I know that you wanted to be with me, and I can still tell by those looks you get in your eyes the times we run into each other. I can see hurt, and even worse, betrayal. And yet, I still see the love you have for me. My heart aches every time I see that look in your eyes. And I want to just slap myself knowing that I'm doing it to you. Even more so when I realized that…that I loved you back but wouldn't tell you." The softening of his eyes breaks my heart as I look at him. "I thought if I gave myself time enough to sort out my feelings for you, to really figure out if it's true love I felt for you or an obligation to be with you because of 'destiny' then I'd be able to make the right choice. I kept telling myself that these past several years though. And each day that I think about telling you, each day I pick up the phone to call you, each days I actually get in my car and go to you…I stop. I just couldn't bring myself to tell you. I guess the fear I had when I was younger still was there. Fear of what I don't know. You love me so there's no fear of you not returning my love. Fear of you being taken away from me like you have been times before? That might be it. Whatever I was afraid of though I know I'm over it. It might have taken 5 years but I know I'm over it. I love you Chiba Mamoru, my Mamo-chan, my prince. I love you with all my heart and nothing is going to change that. Nothing." I break down crying again after my declaration and reach for him. He wraps his arms around me and I can hear his sobbing.
"I love you to my Usako." He whispers.
I pull away enough to be face to face with him and cup his face in my hands. I lean in and kiss his each eyelid. "Don't cry, you're my prince, you aren't suppose to cry." I say with a sad smile.
"Men cry, so do princes." He answers simply and he reaches up to place one of his hands over my own. He takes his free arm and wraps it around me pulling me in. Our lips meet in a soft kiss. I sigh as my hands move to wrap around his neck and his other hand come down to wrap around me in an embrace. We pull away seconds later and I just lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. I have missed this so much. I thank Kami for letting me live this long to enjoy my last moments with him.
"I'm glad you came by to tell me how you felt." He says to me and my eyes shoot open. My whole body tenses. "What's the matter?" he asks worriedly as I push myself away from him.
"That's not why I came. I mean, yes I wanted to tell how I feel but that wasn't the main thing. I..I wanted to say goodbye. That's why I came, to say goodbye." I babble, as I stand up and pace frantically.
"Goodbye? Where are you going?" He asks standing up and coming up to me.
I look at him with wide eyes and back away. How did I let myself slip like this? It was suppose to be short and simple!
"Usako, what's wrong?" He asks looking at me. "Did I do something wrong?"
"I have to go." I say hurriedly. I turn around quickly and go for the door but he captures my wrist. I twist violently until I'm free and then make a run for the door. I pull it open quickly and burst out into the hallway. I run for the elevators and manage to get in one. Mamoru is right behind me. Thankfully the doors shut before he can get in, though I do catch a glimpse of those blue eyes. The last time I'm going to see them. Tears start falling once more as I hold a hand over my heart. The elevator doors open and I burst out into the lobby. I race towards the revolving doors. Had I taken one moment to check the time I would have noticed it said 11:59 on the grandfather clock in the lobby. I make it outside into the still pouring rain. I can barely feel the hard gravel on my bare feet as I run. Everything is breaking apart now… I don't stop… In the distance I can hear a voice calling my name. It's Mamoru… I don't stop... More voices are calling my name now. I recognize them to be the senshi… I don't stop… Suddenly my feet are taken from under me and I'm sent crashing to earth again. I manage to pull myself back up but I'm in a daze. The rain and tears have blurred my vision once again. My heart is racing. My blood feels on fire within me. I hear a honk… I look up… Two bright lights are heading my way…another honk…tires screeching…everything is slow motion from there…I swear I hear the 12 strikes of a grandfather clock signaling midnight…everything goes black…
*************************************************************
If I said death was a release I'd be lying. I don't feel free or anything. I feel pain. I see black. Pitch black. This doesn't look like heaven. Maybe I'm in purgatory or something. I can hear a distant beeping. I can't feel my body. But I try to move anyway. As soon as I make an attempt pain shoots through me. I open my mouth to yell out in pain but no noise comes out. I'm panicking now. I don't want to be dead! I think back to what I last remember. The screeching tires of that car…exactly like my dream had predicted. Mighty Sailor Moon struck down by a car. That's quite ironic. What the hell is that beeping sound? It's very annoying. It's distracting my thinking of my death. I start to hear voices now. That's great, guess it's angels or something.
"Please tell us she'll be alright." I hear a voice say. Wait a minute, that doesn't sound like an angel. That sounds like Mina-chan. What the?…
"She's hurt pretty bad, a lot of broken bones and internal bleeding. The whole scenario does not look good I'm sorry to say." Another voice that I don't recognize says. Soft crying can be heard.
"She can't die!" Someone who sounds a lot like Rei-chan yells.
"Calm down Rei-chan." I hear…Mako's voice now? What's going on? Am I dead or not?
"Usako, if you hear me, please don't leave us. Don't go. You can't." My..my Mamo-chan! Well hell if I'm not dead then I'm sure as hell am not gonna die now!
"Fo..for being dead…there sure is a lot of noise..." I manage to speak though my throat feels awfully dry and my voice very weak.
"Usa-chan?" Ami-chan's voice comes up.
"Odango…you're alive!" Rei's voice speaks.
"Why can't…I see?" I ask. I can hear everyone and still see black.
"Open your eyes sweetie." I hear my mother's voice now. Oh such a sweet voice to hear right now. I strain to lift my eyelids up. They feel like they have anvils hooked on to them or something. Though I do manage to get them open to wide enough slits. My vision is immediately showered with light. I wince as it hits my eyes.
"Mom?" I ask trying to make out the figures around me. I can feel pressure on my hand. Someone's holding it.
"It's me sweetie." I hear her voice. She's crying. I turn my head towards her voice not without a lot of pain but I can see her now. I start crying.
I swallow and speak again. "Is..everyone here?"
"Yes Usa-chan, we're all here." My brother's voice is heard.
"Mamoru-san brought you here as fast as he could after the accident." Ami-chan says.
I close my eyes again and swallow. "That car must have got me good huh."
"Don't talk about it. It was bad enough to see let alone talk about." Mina-chan says.
"All that matters is that you're alive." Mako-chan says.
I make a move to sit up but yell out in pain. "Kami are all my bones broken?"
"Pretty much Odango, maybe that'll teach you to run in the street." Rei said. I could tell she was crying because her voice was choked up even through her attempt at teasing.
"I'll keep that in mind pyro." I say dryly.
The voice from earlier comes up again and I figure it's the doctor. "Alright everyone. Usagi-san needs her rest. It's a miracle in itself that she's talking so lets not overwork her. So visiting hours are over." I recognize the voice for Ami's mother.
"Can I speak with Usagi alone for a minute then." My Mamo-chan requests.
"Sure you can." My father says…surprisingly.
I can hear everyone filing out the room until it's quiet. The beeping sound, of which I figured was the heart monitor, is the only thing making noise aside from the slight ruffling of the sheets.
"My Usako. You scared the hell out of me tonight you know." He says.
"It wasn't my intention believe me." I say opening my eyes again. I see blue now. Those beautiful blue eyes of his. I tear up. I did get to see those eyes again. "I wasn't ready to go." I say honestly.
"I know you weren't. The girls told your parents and me what happened back at the temple. You dreamed you were going to die huh."
"Yeah, for the most part it came true. That's the way I was suppose to die." I say before I cough. Geez, never thought talking would take this much effort.
"I know I couldn't do anything to stop it but I still wish I could have." He says choking up. "Why did you run away from me Usako? If you stayed you could have beaten it."
"No I couldn't. If I stayed with you then I don't doubt it would have come around for me another way." I say weakly.
We sit there in silence for while after that.
"Usako, can I ask a question?" He says.
"Well you already asked one just now didn't you." I say with a smile, or at least I think it was.
He laughs slightly and smiles. "Alright, can I ask another question, after this one?"
"Yes." I say.
"If it wasn't for the dream you had and the knowing that you were going to die, would you have eventually come around and told me how you really felt?"
I was silent for a moment thinking about the question. "I don't doubt that I would have. But there's no telling how long it might have taken me."
"I see. As long as you would have told me."
"You don't care that it would have taken a long time?"
"I would wait forever for you."
"You are such a dork." I say with tears in my eyes.
"I'm your dork though." He says with a smirk.
"Yes you are." I say.
Someone clears their throat and I look over to see Ms. Mizuno. "I'm sorry, times up."
"That's alright." Mamo-chan says. "I'll be back later on today Odango." He says to me before he leans down and pecks me on my forehead.
"Alright, tell everyone goodbye for me." I say.
"No, I'll tell them you'll see them later." He says.
"Fair enough." I say with a soft laugh.
He leaves the room and Miss Mizuno comes up and fixes my pillow for me. "You sleep well Usagi-san, you have a long recovery ahead of you."
"Oh can't wait." I say sarcastically. "What time is it?"
"2:07." She says. "Goodnight, or should I say good morning." She says with a smile.
"Very good morning." I say before she leaves the room. I let out a sigh as I lay here in bed. Well. It's a new day. I'm not dead. Mamo-chan knows how I feel. Overall, the whole death thing wasn't too bad. Some good came out of it. It's amazing to think what you can accomplish when you think you're going to die. You sure can get a lot of things done. Look at me. All it took was a death sentence to get me to reveal my love for my man. And yet a death sentence still doesn't help me do my calculus homework. Don't I have my priorities screwed up? Ah, but it's all good. I'm alive and loving it…despite the whole being hit by a car and being completely broken thing. I'll heal. Until then I've got my loving family and friends by my side to help me through it all. Not to mention of course, my man, my Mamo-chan, my prince, my dork!
Done, I know, put down them bon-bon's and grab a tissue. Look at ya blubbering like a baby. You should be ashamed of yourself. Get out of here, wipe that snot too.