Key to Detecting
"Thank you for coming Officer Levitt" said Captain Barney Miller to the diminutive uniformed officer that entered the squad room. "This is a rather informal little meeting that we have today."
Levitt looked around after the captain spoke. Besides themselves, the room also contained Sergeants Harris, Wojciehowicz and Dietrich who stood by Miller. It may have been informal but it had the feel of a tribunal. He drew himself up to his full height, what little there was of it.
"It's come to my repeated attention that you are interested in becoming a detective" Miller said.
"I only mention it when I see you sir" Levitt explained.
"Yes, and since I see you most every day it tends to add up. We have a little tradition here at the 12th; detective candidates are put through an informal little test to see how they think on their feet. Have a seat and relax" the captain said as he motioned Levitt towards a chair.
"No thank you sir. I prefer to think on my feet standing up."
"Sit!"
Levitt sat.
Barney went on. "This test isn't graded, and there's no pass or fail. The others have gone through a variation of the same thing."
"Yeah, you don't have to study for it or nothin'" said Wojo.
"Piece of cake" added Dietrich. "I solved it in one minute." The other detectives looked at him incredulously. "Just kidding. It took me five."
"I don't remember how long I took" answered Harris.
"Must have been pretty long, or you would have put it into Blood on the Badge like you did everything else" Wojo cracked.
"Levitt, do you know what the key to being a good detective is?" asked Miller.
"To be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent?" Levitt replied hopefully.
"That's for Boy Scouts Levitt."
"Sorry sir. Which ones do detectives leave out?"
"Well...um...none, of course! Those are all important qualities, but that's not the point. A detective's best tools are his questions. Suspects, witnesses and even the evidence all have to be questioned. So that is what this informal test is about. We've dug up an old solved case, and I'll present you with a couple starting facts. You then ask questions that we answer with a 'yes' or 'no'. If a question can't be answered by either of those two answers we'll ask you to rephrase the question. Got it?"
"Got it sir."
"Okay, here are the facts of the case: you walk down a hallway and into a room where you find a body on the floor and a cat hissing on the couch. Start detecting" Barney said as he finished the introduction.
Levitt didn't relax, but leaned forward in his chair as his brow furrowed. "Is the body dead?"
"Yes."
"Is the cat dead?"
"No. Dead cats don't hiss, Levitt."
"Was the person murdered?" "Rephrase your question."
"Did the deceased die of natural causes?" "No."
"Did the deceased die due to an accident?" The group conferred for a moment. "No."
"Did the deceased die, directly or indirectly, from the actions of another?" "Yes."
Levitt decided to try some different approaches. "Are there any other entrances to the room besides the one we entered?" "Yes."
"Is there more than one person in the room?" "No."
"Is there a window in the room?" "Yes."
"Is the window open?" "No."
"Are the other entrances important to the case?" "No."
"Did the person die from being shot?" "Rephrase the question."
Rephrase the question? That was a pretty simple question. "Is there a dead person in the room?" "No."
That contradicted an earlier answer. Or did it? Levitt went over what he had asked before. "Was the dead body a person?" "No."
"Was the dead body an animal?" "Yes." This wasn't a homicide after all.
"Was it a pet?" "Yes."
"Was the dead pet killed by the person in the room?" "No."
"Was the person in the room present when the pet was killed?" "No."
"Was the cat present when the pet was killed?" "Yes."
"Was the cat responsible for the pet's death?" "Yes."
"Did the cat get into a fight with the dead pet?" "No."
Why would a cat kill something AND be scared?
"Are there any other living things in the room besides the cat and the person?" "Nothing important."
"I think I hear a fly buzzing around" Wojo commented.
"Nothing important" Barney reiterated.
"Was the dead pet a rodent?" "No."
"Was it a fish?" "Yes."
A dead fish? Wait a minute...
"Did the cat attempt to get the fish and knock over it's bowl, killing the fish and scaring the cat?"
"Close enough. You might have discovered with questioning that there was broken glass and water on the floor, but you get the idea. Well done." Barney congratulated Levitt with a handshake.
"I'm glad to have solved it sir, but I fail to see the point" Levitt pressed.
"The point Levitt is that you have to be careful asking questions. Your question misled you into thinking the body was a person when it wasn't. Never let your assumptions get in the way of the facts."
"Yes sir, I'll remember that. But I'm confused about the person in the room. They weren't a witness or a suspect, why were they there sir?" Levitt asked, still a bit perplexed over the case.
"Ah, yes" said Dietrich. "First person perspective." Levitt was more confused than ever.
"YOU were the other person Levitt" answered Barney. "You have to remember that wherever you investigate, you're part of the whole situation too once you show up on scene. Try to put as little of yourself as possible into the case. Don't disturb evidence if possible, don't influence witnesses with leading questions and remember that as much as they represent the public, you represent the whole police force."
"Thank you sir, I'll keep that in mind sir." Levitt stood up and started to leave.
"Levitt" Barney called after him.
He paused in the doorway. "Yes sir?"
"You did fine. I think you'll make a hell of a good detective when you get promoted" Barney reassured him. He looked around and saw the detectives giving him assuring nods. He turned around and left the squad room about two feet taller than when he entered.
The End
A/N: Another story with a hole, in this case a group giving it to an individual rather than the setup of individuals in a group competing against each other as I did in my Big Bang story. It would have been impossible to get all the characters through the years together, so I went with the core from the later part of the series. Levitt eventually did become a detective on the show.
Had I done it like Dragnet, there would be a postscript something along the lines of "The cat was convicted of fishslaughter and is now serving a sentence of no less that 7 years."