She had tried to go to sleep, she really did, but one question led to another and now she was pacing around the condo trying to figure out what everything meant. She was arguing with herself internally, trying to understand him. Sam Swarek. He told her he loved her and then when she came back he's with a different woman.
She doesn't blame him; she left without saying goodbye and she hadn't gotten the chance to tell him how she felt. She was still in love with him, but she wasn't ready to jump right back in, she needed a little time and a little space to get her head together, but then she was offered the UC and she took it.
But now, here she is, pacing her apartment at two in the morning, wondering if he's in love with Marlo. Wondering if he's still in love with her. Hoping he's still in love with her. She was still in love with him and her feelings for him were there to stay. They wouldn't be going away any time soon. But as much as those feelings hurt her whenever she saw them together, she didn't want to let them go. There was still a glimmer of hope that he felt the same way and she was willing to wait and see if she was right.
She has so many questions, so many things she wants to understand about him, about them. She's pacing back and forth, wishing that he was there right now so she could figure things out and maybe be able to get to sleep once she had some answers.
There is a light knock at her door and she stills, her head snapping to look at the door, wondering if she had actually heard something or she had just wanted him to be there so badly, that she had imagined it. But then it came again, a light knock. She stared at the door in wonder, maybe everything was falling into place, maybe he was here wanting answers as well.
She walked to the door, her bare feet lightly slapping against the wood. She took a deep breath trying to calm herself, slow down her rapidly beating heart. She looked through the peephole, hoping it was him, but also terrified by the possibility of it being some stranger.
Her eyes welled with tears as she saw him standing there, head bent, hands thrust deep into his pockets, and his hair sticking out at odd angles. His head shot up at the sound as she unlocked the door. She opened it, revealing him fully, tears still trying to break free from her eyes, a sad, but hopeful smile on her face.
He let his eyes take her in. Her yellow boy shorts and one of his black shirts bringing back many memories of nights together. He looked at her face and saw her watery eyes, close to spilling over, hoping that he hadn't caused those, but confident that he most likely had. He gave her a small smile hoping to cheer her up, but the smile that she returned seemed so broken.
"Hey." It's all he could think of to say at the moment. He had come with the purpose of figuring things out, getting answers, but he hadn't thought of how he would start the inevitable conversation, he had just jumped into his truck and drove over. When he pulled up outside and looked up to see her lights on, it was like things were finally working out for him, for them.
She wanted to say 'hi' back, but as soon as she opened her mouth, her heart took over and she blurted out, "Please don't be in love with her." A stray tear fell out as the possibility that he was in love with Marlo hit her and hit her hard.
She spun away from his eyes, trying to get control over her emotions as she walked to the couch and sat down. He slowly stepped inside, shutting the door quietly behind him and watched her as she placed herself on one corner of the couch. He stood there awkwardly wondering what to say, not wanting to upset her even more by saying the wrong thing.
He dropped his gaze to the floor, giving himself a second to think before lifting his head slightly and asking, "Can we talk?"
She let out a large sigh, wondering if she really wanted to hear what he had to say. "Go ahead."
He hesitantly walked towards her, hoping he wasn't overstepping his boundaries, but when she didn't stop him he took a seat at the other end of the couch, facing her as she sat facing the door.
"Marlo and I broke up." He stated, hoping to get some reaction from her, but she continued to face the wall and answered with an uninterested "Okay."
She was so frustrating! He came over to find her on the edge of tears because of him and Marlo and then he tells her they broke up and she acts like she doesn't even care?
He pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to calm himself down a little so he doesn't start yelling at her. He sighs before speaking. "Andy, I asked if we could talk. I need you to be present, be part of this conversation. I need you to care."
She looked over at him, her vulnerable expression meeting his own. "I do care. I'm afraid I care too much. I'm afraid of what you might say though. I'm not sure I want to hear it."
He smiled, pretty sure that she would want to hear what he was going to say. "I think you want to hear it." She let out a quiet 'Okay.' before he started over. "Marlo and I broke up."
He was giving her a chance to change her previous answer, hoping that she would, and when she got the chance, she did. "Why?"
"You know that day where Oliver, Chris, Dov and I went to Oliver's new Cabin?" She nodded. Dov and Chris had shared some interesting stories when they had gotten back. "Well uh…Oliver gave me some advice and I actually took it instead of ignoring him."
"I hope it was good advice." She cut in. Letting him know she was listening.
He shrugged. "I guess we're about to find out." He inhaled deeply, this kind of thing didn't come easy for him, but he knew he needed to do it. "Oliver, he uh, he caught me off guard and I admitted something…something that was unfair to Marlo."
He stopped and looked up from the cushion that he had been staring at and studied her face. She raised her eyebrows, impatiently waiting for him to continue. "And what was it?" She blurted out, unable to control herself.
"I told him I missed you. I told him that when I pictured my future it was me and you, taking our kids to the park on Sunday afternoons."
He watched her eyes start to water again, but she turned away from him, not wanting to let him see how much that affected her. He continued, wanting to free himself from the things he'd kept bottle inside. "He told me I needed to tell Marlo…and I did. When I got back the next day I broke up with her. I broke her heart, but it was eating me alive, I couldn't keep up the lie."
She turned back to him, her emotions under control once again. "That was like two weeks ago."
"I know." He answered simply.
She creased her eyebrows in confusion. "And you didn't tell me?"
"I wasn't sure if you would want to know. I didn't know how you felt."
She thought she was pretty obvious with her feeling for him. It was pretty hard to hide the fact that you love someone, but he had hid it from her since she got back from her undercover assignment. And she had somehow covered her feelings for him if he thought she didn't care about the fact that Marlo and him broke up.
"You ran away from us. You left, again." He stated. "I told you I loved you and I would do anything to make it work and you ran. What was I supposed to think Andy?"
"I wasn't the only one who ran Sam. I may have run physically, but you ran from us emotionally. You ran away every single time I tried to get closer, every time I tried to get you to open up you would just shut down, change the subject, deflect the questions. You never let me in, not fully."
"I didn't want to drag you into the things I went through, into my problems." He had divulged a little information about his life as a child, but he kept most of it hidden, worried about what she would think, how it would change the way she saw him.
She turned to face him completely, scooting a tiny bit closer to where he was seated. "Drag me. Drag, yank, pull, I don't care. I want to know what you went through…what you're going through. I want to know your past and I want to be part of your future… and not just as a friend."
He let his eyes glance down before meeting hers again
"I've got a closet full of skeletons Andy; I don't know why you would want to know about them."
She shook her head, exasperated by his answer. "Because I love you Sam. I want to know you. Those skeletons are part of you, I want to know them, I want to know everything about you. I want the good times and the bad times. I want the people you love and the people you hate. I want to know you. Just let me know you."
"I want you to know me. I'm just going to need a little push sometimes."
She sighed. "The last time I pushed you to talk, you broke up with me."
He clenched his jaw and nodded at the painful memory. "After Jerry, the only thought running through my mind was that it could have been you. You could have been kidnapped, you could have been killed, or you could have been the one crying over loosing me. I couldn't live with that feeling, so I thought distancing myself from you was the only option. But it turned out to be the worst decision I've ever made."
She was becoming emotional again. This night was a rollercoaster and she felt like she was riding it blindfolded. "I didn't know."
"Because I didn't let you. I never let you in." He sighed out, frustrated with his inability to open up.
She shook her head, "You did. I guess I didn't see it at the time, but you did let me in. You let me see sides of you that no one else would ever believe. You let me see enough that I fell in love with you. I guess I just wanted even more things to love about you."
He smiled. "If you keep pushing, you'll know everything about me sooner or later."
She bit her lip, trying to conceal her smile. "Good."
He inhaled again. "I can't lose you Andy. I love you too much to let you go again."
They sat there silently staring at each other. He wanted to reach out and grab her, touch her, get closer to her, but he felt like they still need some space. He turned towards the wall, placing his elbows on his knees and resting his head in his hands, as she continued to stare, now watching the side of his face. She smiled to herself, thinking of what he had said. She poked his thigh with her foot, "So how many kids are we going to have?"
He turned to look at her beaming face, his head still resting on his hand, his hair sticking out at odd angles and answered with droopy eyes and a sleepy smile, "As many as you want."
She laughed as she moved to sit right up against him, "Good answer." She whispered into his ear before kissing his cheek and moving to stand right in front of him. She held out her hand to help him up. He stood, looking down at her and smiled as she turned and started walking him along behind her. She locked the front door and turned out the living room lights before pulling him back to her room. She stopped at her dresser and dropped his hand.
Digging through one of the drawers her hands retuned with a pair of his sweats, which she shyly handed over as he gave her an intrigued glance. She got into bed as he changed into the sweats and turned off the lights. He climbed under the sheets hesitantly. She shifted towards him, scooting her back to his chest and placed one of his arms under her head and entwining her fingers with his other hand and placed that arm against her stomach. He chuckled and pulled her closer, wrapping the arm under her head securely across her shoulders.
She sighed contently. "Maybe we should start with a dog before we jump into parenthood."
He placed a kiss on the corner of her jaw. "Only if we can name it Boo."
I'm not sure if I'm completely happy with this one, but I had started it months ago so I thought I would finish it. I hope you liked it. Let me know what you think. Favorite line/part?
I'm still working on A Different Beginning, but this semester of school is very time consuming so it may be a while before there is a new chapter up. Sorry.
Feel free to check out my other stuff if you liked this one.
Thanks for reading!