BELLA'S POV
I stared at the clock on my dresser. It was two in the morning and I still wasn't tired. Becoming bored of staring at the clock, I turned over on my side to face my bookshelf; trying to decide which book I should read until I felt drowsy enough to sleep in peace. I never thought being human could be so dreadfully boring. Finally after scanning the bookshelf for what seemed like ten minutes, but in reality was more like two minutes, my eyes came to rest on my tattered copy of Wuthering Heights. Slowly I sat up on my bed and put one foot on the floor. The wooden floor seemed to be made of ice to my cold, freezing toes. As I put both feet on the floor and stood up, I immediately felt the rush of emotions I had held back bottled up for months. Before I knew what had happened to me I was on the floor sobbing hysterically.
Why did it happen? It just isn't fair! Thoughts ran madly through my mind, tangling themselves together until I just couldn't think any longer, eventually diminishing to nothing, but lying there weeping. My outbreak of emotions was nothing new to me; I had been trying my best to hold on until I was absolutely sure that I could break down, but still be able to pull my self back together. It had been almost four months to the day since it had happened, that awful dreadful day… Jacob, my one and only had told me that he hated me and never wanted to look at me ever again. With that said and done my werewolf, my Jacob, took off and ran off to Canada to run through the mountains to his hearts desire.
What had I done to make him to say that to me? Minutes after this thought had flitted through my mind, Edward was there cradling me with his beautiful statue-like arms. Had the time between the start of my sobs to now, been so short? It seemed to me that my sobs had lasted for an eternity with out Edward. What kind of sick person was I? I claimed to love Edward forever, when I still needed Jake by my side to stand on my own two feet.
How could I do this to either of them? I knew how much it hurt Jacob to see me in the arms of Edward, but at the same time I knew how much it hurt Edward to know that I still needed Jacob around me in able to feel complete. Most of all my pain came from knowing how much Edward wished he could be enough for me, to just be able to erase all my pain completely. If he could have, I know that Edward would've made sure that I would never have to experience this kind of longing and heart ache ever again in my life. However this is how I was doomed to be, I don't deserve any protection from him. The more I thought the louder and more hysterical my sobs became, part of me was afraid that I would wake Charlie, but I knew that Charlie wouldn't dare come near to me when I was like this.
Through the entire rest of the night I cried into Edward's shoulder, practically drowning his shoulder and shirt in my salty bitter tears. Edward said nothing, he just endured my pain and suffering the best he possibly could. I think that Edward thought it best to let me battle my internal demons alone and by myself with out any consulting from him. It seemed that he had realized that this was something that I needed to figure out on my own, and that he couldn't always protect me from my life's hardships. Around seven in the morning, about five hours from when my tears had begun, I seemed to be able to put a stop to all my tears and look up at Edward for the first time since he had arrived five hours earlier. His expression was one of concealed agony and longing.
Oh how I wished I didn't hurt him so with my tears! And why oh why did he long for my happiness when I should be perfectly fine with just him? Suddenly Edward opened his mouth to speak, "I'm afraid Bella love, that I have caused you this pain." He looked down, away from my gaze as he finished speaking.
" What," I started, having to clear my throat fist because of all of my crying, " that's impossible Edward! Stop blaming yourself, you've done nothing wrong!" I tried to talk to him with a stern voice which was quite loud, I was no longer afraid of Charlie walking in because it was past the time he should have gone to work.
" But I'm afraid that I have my love…" his look of pain and guilt feel upon his face, god how I hated that look.
" No you didn't Edward how do you expect yourself to have-"
" But I did Bella," Edward cut me off not allowing me to speak, " I told Jake that we were going to get married."
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out, nor did I have a reply. Edward slowly turned away from me, lowering his head as he did so. If vampires could cry I think he would have been in tears by now.