Disclaimer Nashville isn't mine

If and When

Chapter 1

Five years, five damn long years had passed since that night when her perfectly planned out life had all gone to pot in a matter of a few hours. The night which had begun with a smile on her face and ended with her curled up in bed, tears rolling down her foundation covered cheeks, swollen lips and two rings lying in front of her. It was a night that she would never forget, the night when she received no 'good night' text messages from her daughters because they were so hurt.

Even now, looking back on that night there was a pang in her heart. A wonder of what if, because she could have made so many different decisions that night. But she didn't, she had made one and she had stuck to her guns and stayed with it for the past five years. Even after all the times when she had come so close to giving into temptation, and once or twice had done so.

The sky outside was darkening quickly, and the stars were slowly becoming visible just as the moon was too. Her eyes scanned over the neighbourhood that she had lived in for so long now. For some reason, she never had sold the house that she and Teddy had bought when they started their marriage, but maybe that was because her father still lived in the house that she had grown up in. Yet it was fast becoming a house which had out grown her family, and she knew that soon she would have to sell it. Truth be told it wasn't that which caused the problems, it was the question as to where it was that she would move to that was causing the biggest issue for her.

There was one house that kept coming back to her. But it wouldn't feel right, and someone else still owned it anyway.

Rayna walked over to her dressing table and looked in the mirror, sighing softly. She could not believe that tonight was the night that highway 65 records would celebrate its fifth anniversary. To some it may seem like such a small and insignificant amount of years, but it was a birthday that she had never expected her company to reach. The singer had bet everything on it being a success, and the God's had decided that it would be. The label that had started with her Scarlett and Will, had shrunk down to a low of two artists, and then grown.

After seeing Avery, Gunnar and Zoe perform she had signed them as a band – after talking to Juliette. Then, once the news about Will's sexuality had hit the press and Jeff had dropped him she'd picked him back up too, and now he was the poster boy for gay rights. He'd overcome so much scrutiny, and had to face almost worse that Scarlett had. But he had come back fighting and kept that charm that got him into everyone's hearts. The head had also finally gotten Deacon on her label. It had been a long conversation, which had taken place with a table separating them and Bucky on her side. But eventually they had decided that it was where he belonged.

On top of all of them, Rayna had signed a host of other artists too. Now her total was well over 20, and the label was one of the top in the country. She'd also managed to get Scarlett back too. The girl who was practically Rayna's niece had gone back to Old Mis' after her performance with Gunnar. But she had returned a couple of years later, a degree in hand and on Rayna's doorstep. As it turned out Scarlett had not only found herself, but she had also found a talent for writing number on singles. That was why she was now the main songwriter for highway 65.

Everything had slotted into place, just like it was meant to. But as Rayna sat there, applying her makeup ready for the celebration, she found her eyes being drawn to her left ring finger as they had been so many times over the last half decade. To a finger which no long held any man's ring. She'd spent three days hiding from the world after the proposal - ignoring anyone and everyone. Then she'd brushed herself off and tried to make it work, only a week later she had reached the startling realisation that she was tearing her family apart.

"Hey sugar, what's goin' on?" Luke questioned, as he walked into her kitchen a week and a half after he had proposed. Rayna was stood in there, staring down at the monstrosity of diamonds and platinum that was on her left ring finger. It was vile, she completely despised it and the ring had already caused her scratch so many things since it had taken residence on her finger.

"We need to talk." She said, as she looked at the man in front of her. He may well get all his female fans fanning themselves, and he had done Rayna, but tonight he just wasn't doing anything for her. Soon in her kitchen with his cowboy hat on all she could think about was the looks on her daughters faces when she had gone to pick them up from Teddy's. They'd been sat in the living room, watching tv when she arrived, only for them to turn it off as soon as they saw her and tell her that they would not be returning back home as long as Luke was there.

That was the real reason why she couldn't marry him. That and Deacon, but mainly that. Rayna had spent so much of her career trying not to get her girls in the spotlight or lose the close bond they all shared. And in trying to fill the vacant gap in her family, she'd done everything she was trying not to do.

"That sounds ominous." He replied, sitting down on one of the barstools. As soon as Rayna removed her ring he tried to speak, but she stopped him.

"This is no one else's doing but mine. I can't marry you Luke, I just can't. The girls aren't happy and they have to be my priority, you have kids and you kno-"

"They'll adjust baby." He said, but she shook her head.

"I don't want to risk losing them because they won't. They will not step foot in this house anymore." He didn't know what to say, he simply ran a hand down his stubbed chin and waited for her to continue. "I guess, two stars don't necessarily make a moon, sometimes they just crash and burn."

"Sounds like a song." He said, looking at her. He was annoyed, hell he was fuming, but at the same time, he had expected it. In his mind it was a competition between him and Deacon, and Luke always knew he would come in second place. That was why he proposed in front of all her fans because he knew that she wouldn't say no. She wouldn't disappoint them.

"Maybe. Maybe it will be."

"Well the best songs come from broken hearts." He said, and she just smiled, nodding slightly. It was funny how things went around in a loop, it had all started on that Opry stage with her singing 'The Best Songs Come From Broken Hearts', and now it was back to that song as he quoted it. With that he left, not saying another word. Rayna saw how his posture was fixed, and she knew he was not only upset but angry too. She was just glad he took it so well. Or at least, seemed to take it so well.

As it turned out, Luke had made the announcement to the press the next day, and quoted Rayna when he said; two stars don't necessarily make a moon, sometimes they just crash and burn. It had been tastefully done, and so had hers. But both of them knew, even if they told the press it as a mutual decision it wasn't. This had been her doing, it was what she wanted.

The night after she had not slept though, because she'd still had one more ring to deal with.

That said ring was now around her neck on a chain, along with two tiffany hearts, both inscribed. One with the date Maddie was born and the other with the date Daphne was born. Rayna fingered the shining silver as she looked at her appearance. She had tried it on her ring finger so many times over the last five years, trying desperately to see if it felt right. But every time she was hit by the fear that in actual fact she didn't think she could do it anymore.

The night she had told Deacon had been harder, but he too had understood. There had been hope in his eyes when she said it, unlike in Luke's. Both knew that they'd get back to the point they were currently at one day. But when that would be neither of them knew.

"Hey." She said, softly as she sat down in the park. It had been a week since she had given Luke the ring back, and two and a half since they both proposed. Now, the press had died down and she was trying to put her life back together. When she had told the girls they had instantly paced and returned to the house, and even Teddy had given her a smile and told her that he would prefer she 'marry Deacon than Luke'. Something which had shows just how much he disliked the other singer.

"Hey." Deacon replied as he looked at her. She looked like she hadn't truly slept in months, but she looked better than she had the night he had turned up , kissed her and then left. "I'm sorry-"

"Don't even lie Deacon." She responded, a smirk playing on her lips. He wasn't sorry that she and Luke had finished in fact if he still drunk then she was sure he'd have opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

"Why am I here Ray?" He questioned, and that was when she pulled the simple silver engagement ring out of her pocket and spun it round on her finger. He felt his heart beat faster as he wondered what was going to happen. "I'm not taking it back." He stated, because even if she didn't want to marry him ever, he wouldn't take it back. It was her ring, it had been bought for her and he would never give it to another woman.

"I'm not giving you it back either." She had said, and he felt hope running through his veins. "But I'm also not going to put it on my finger." He turned his head at that, and furrowed his brow in confusion. She thought he looked adorable as he sat there, but she wouldn't tell him that. It would only make her want to kiss him even more and that in its self was a terrible idea. "I've thought about this long and hard. I haven't slept all week because I've been trying to figure out what is the right thing to do. What's the right thing for me? For you? For Maddie? For Daphne? For highway 65? And I realised that I didn't know."

"You telling me you called me here to tell me you 'don't know' Ray?" He questioned, slightly agitated.

"No, I'm here to tell you that I want you in my life, I want you in Maddie's life. I want you at the dinner table at least once a week, and I want guitar lessons to taken place every minute of every day. I want them to see you and think of you as their father as much as they do Teddy."

"What are you going to think of me as Rayna?"

"That is the part I don't know." She looked at the ring, the way it shined in the sun and the way the silver reflected the green of the trees which surrounded them. "I think I need time Deacon. I seem to have spent so long being half of Rayna and Deacon, being Mrs Teddy Conrad, being the girlfriend of Luke Wheeler; that I haven't spent anytime just being Rayna."

"I'll give you as much time as you want Ray."

"Even if it is years?" She questioned, and as he looked at her he knew she wasn't exaggerating.

"Yeah, even if it is years. But only as long as you keep that ring." He'd answered. Right there and then in front of him she had unclasped the necklace with the two heart shaped charms on it and added his ring to it. It might not be on her finger, but it was next to her heart, and that was a step forward in his eyes.

Rayna stood up and shrugged off the robe that covered her dress. The party was black tie, something which she had begrudgingly agreed to when Tandy suggested it. Her dress was simple, strapless, long, fitted and silver with just enough glitter to be elegant but not garish. The skirt of it went out a little and floated around her feet which were clad – for once – not in cowboy boots but in strappy silver heels.

Rayna sat down and began o put her earrings in. "You nearly ready?" Tandy questioned, from the door. Her sister looked stunning. Her dress was black, halter neck and fitted at the top before going into a long and floaty skirt with a split up to her knee. At her waste was a gold belt which matched the gold bangle around her wrist. Tandy's hair had stayed short, and the whole ensemble looked elegant.

"Nearly, can y'all give me five minutes. I'm still just getting my head together." Tandy was well aware of how hard the past five years had been on her sister, but she also knew that she was a lot happier in herself recently. Rayna had found where she wanted to be, and was doing what she wanted. She was still rebasing albums, but the tours were smaller, fewer and further between. They were always sold out.

"Sure, we'll be down stairs." And with that Tandy disappeared once more. 'we'; Rayna smiled at that. After years of dancing around one another, a year ago Bucky and Tandy had finally got it together and tied the knot. It had been a small ceremony, on the beach in the Maldives', with just twenty guests there to congratulate them.

Rayna had never seen her sister happier than she currently was. However, she was also a little jealous too, yet she had no one but herself to blame for that. And that was something she had come to terms with a long time ago. Thankfully, though, she had gotten the strong bond with her daughters back.

Rayna closed the lid on her thoughts and looked in the mirror. She felt old, visibly she had barely aged, but the singer felt like she had. Every year there was some new, young, attractive singer trying to nudge her off the top spot. Just like Juliette Barnes, some of them stuck it out, but like Layla Grant some of them burnt bright for a little while then fizzled out once more. But Rayna had miraculously managed to stay there.

Sometimes though, after what was around 30 years in the industry, she wondered how much longer it would have her for.

Standing up the auburn haired singer took in her appearance and decided that she could not turn back the hands of time and reduce its effect on her body, so she could do nothing more to her appearance. With that she grabbed her silver clutch bag and left the room, turning off the light as she did so.

"You look amazing babe." Tandy said, as her sister walked down the stairs, looking like an angel in silver. Rayna blushed a little and told her sister that she too looked amazing. Bucky just stood there, grinning from ear to ear as he was surrounded by his wife and the woman who meant an awful lot to him. Who now he could call family.

"I'm really proud of you Ray." Bucky said as he hugged her, she just smiled. He had been there for her through everything, and even when she had risked everything because she was too damn stubborn he never walked away – not even once. He'd seen her at her high, performing on stage and at the peak of her career. But he had also seen her when she turned up knocking on his hotel room door in the middle of the night; not having slept in months and crying because she had gotten a call that Deacon had been arrested again. Recently, he'd been pleased to see that it was a smile which more often than not graced her features.

"I never thought I'd still be stood here after 30 years Bucky. I never thought that Highway 65 would still be going. That is for sure." She said, as she smiled at the two people in front of her. Maddie had decided that she and Daphne would get ready at Deacon's house with Scarlett. It seemed that her daughters had taken quite a liking to Scarlett since she had returned to Nashville, and these days it was hard to keep up with where they were. Both of them had grown up so much, and were growing up more and more with every day that passed her by.

Rayna had told them a limo would pick them up from their house, and told Deacon to make sure that they weren't late. The poor guy had looked so pleased when he told her they were getting ready at his house. He didn't, however, know what he was letting himself in for. He had thought it bad enough when he had turned up an hour before Maddie left for her prom and she was still having her hair done. That was a day on which Rayna had cried her eyes out. As Maddie left the house in a Cinderella dress with a princess smile, and Talia by her side.

Now her girls didn't need her there to tell them how to apply their makeup.

"You beat them all Ray, you beat Jeff." She smiled at Bucky's comment, Jeff had not lasted long after he fired Will Lexington, after all he had lost the three biggest selling artists in Edgehill. Hell she had actually preferred Marshall to Jeff and that was saying something. Especially after every trick he had pulled, after he had badgered her for a 'greatest hits' CD and gotten her to go on tour with Lil' Miss Sparkly Pants.

Soon though, Tandy was ushering them out the door, telling Bucky how he gossiped like a woman and Rayna how she couldn't be late for her own party. As Rayna stood there locking up the house she cast her eyes up to the stars. Just as she always did, she looked for the brightest one she could find, and silently spoke to her mother, telling her how much she wished she was there.

It had taken her years to visit her father's grave, but on the third anniversary of his death she finally went. Part of her would always be angry at him, but part of her had come to terms with things too. She had decided that after she lied to Maddie and Deacon for fourteen years, she was no better. Rayna may have forgiven him, but the money he had left her would always remain in a trust fund somewhere, she'd give it to her daughters if they ever needed it.

Forgiveness didn't mean forgetting.