Severus took another swig from the fire whiskey bottle. It was the first day of classes and 34 days since Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban. Dumbledore was on his case again about Potter and Lupin. And Lupin! Severus wanted to strangle him.
Of course, as soon as Severus had heard the rumors and gleaned the truth from Lupin's unblocked mind, he immediately turned to complain to Dumbledore.
"It had simply been a joke, Severus. He was trying to help the students learn how to handle boggarts. He didn't mean it as anything against you," had been his jovial response regardless of the fact that he knew since before Severus arrived at Hogwarts.
It had driven him to investigate the letter in Petunia's room. He had thought that Lily might have been the same as he and that she had hidden the response from his prying eyes. He had been foolish, but not as foolish as Dumbledore letting Lupin into the school. Saving Potter was hard, but now add dealing with Lupin as a colleague while Black was on the loose. Severus knew it wouldn't be long before Black made it into the castle…
He downed the rest of the bottle and waited for the charm to refill it. His mind wandered to where it all began.
It was at their old house, not the one on Spinner's End. The happy house, as Severus recalled. His father had a respectable job, they had a respectable home, but something evil was brewing underneath. At the time Severus didn't understand the implications, but he remembered how angry it made his father when Severus had explained it to him.
Then the accident. Accidental magic was not usually dangerous and rarely caused death, but maybe it was foreshadowing the life that Severus was to lead: one full of death. He had killed his father's boss and they had to make a run for it. They left the country and his father found work at a factory in the UK.
Later Severus learned that the transition to the new country had been difficult even though they had already known quite a bit of English. The hardest of this transition was on his father who had to go from skilled work to unskilled labor. It wasn't too long after moving to the UK when father started drinking.
As a kid, Severus had always known he wasn't what his mother called him. When he went out to play their first summer in Cokeworth, he took it as his first time to make it known. The other kids would never know a difference. How else would he have been subjected to a name like Severus? His six year old mind did not know English very well, but it had read that name in a history book. He liked it because it started with an 'S' like his old name.
Unfortunately, the first friend that Severus invited to the house was kicked out for calling him Severus. That also was the first time his father left to go drinking at a pub. It became a pattern and a problem. As his father lashed out, Severus learned more and more how to reign in his mind. In his third year he would stumble upon a book to inform him that what he had been practicing was occlumency.
While his father had turned to drink and violence, his mother was surprisingly kind. She taught Severus about the magical world and encouraged him to wait until then to go fully by Severus. She went so far as to introduce him as Severus whenever they went about wizarding England. He enjoyed learning about his wizarding heritage that actually belonged in England as it was his mother's homeland.
Then she taught him the lies she didn't believe. All wizards have long hair. Muggles were lesser than wizards and Severus should stay away from them. It was after he moved from home that Severus realized that she only told him those things to be the peacemaker in the home by keeping him presentable for father and not starting an argument with him. He never found out if she fully accepted him before she died.
Then Hogwarts was the new start where he really got to be himself. No one would know any different, until James Potter that is.
Severus has slipped up when he gave Potter his name. "Sni-Severus!" Black took that as license to call him Snivellus. James was curious and poked his head around until he discovered Severus's secret. It was thoroughly embarrassing, but it was worse that he would hold it over Severus's head, threatening to spill the beans.
Severus took a swig from the refilled fire whiskey bottle as the memory of a third year James Potter suddenly dissolved into Harry James Potter. Severus took another large swig of fire whiskey as he imagined Harry Potter discovering his secret.
Severus shook off the thought as worry slipped into his mind. He had to keep Harry Potter safe even though there was a werewolf in the castle and a murderer on the loose who escaped to finish off the Potters, a murderer who also happens to be best friends with the werewolf. The worst of it all, Dumbledore wrote off all his concerns as petty.
Severus could not understand how Dumbledore could write all this off. Snape had voiced concerns to him after the werewolf incident, but Dumbledore did nothing and then James revealed Severus's secret to the entire school, including Lily.
She was the one person that made Severus feel like he wasn't hiding. He had never told her, but that was because he had never felt like there was anything to tell. Unfortunately, a major secret on top of calling her mudblood had been the limit. She seemed to take it as if Severus had been lying their entire friendship as to who he was and why he did the things he did. She had been fine with Mary's transition, but perhaps his use of the word mudblood had been more revealing than what Potter did to him.
Severus had been hanging out more with Mulciber, Avery, and Wilkes because Lily had spent more time with Mary to help her. They had rubbed off on him even though he wasn't sure they would accept him, especially after their prank on Mary. Surprisingly, they came through for him and spread rumors that Potter had transfigured him for their prank, helping Severus save face.
Of course, Dumbledore wrote that prank off just like all the others. He claimed it was a one-off, but he was wrong. Potter and Black's torment had been systematic and regular. This blatant overlooking of escalating pranks had led Severus to hunt for their secrets and to have something to hold over them, but that backfired.
Severus took a large swig of fire whiskey as he remembered the sight of Lupin's transformation. While facing a fully-fledged werewolf had been frightening enough, Black's sorry excuse for a prank scarred Severus for life. He wanted to experiment with Severus as a werewolf by making werewolf cubs to prove a point. Dumbledore had brushed it all off, he might as well had laughed along with Black.
Severus went to take another swig, only to find that the bottle was empty once more.
While confirming his suspicions of Lupin, he had found out their secret, a secret that would have gotten them in significant trouble if he had been able to share it. Potter captured him and forced him into an unbreakable vow before he could tell anyone. Now that knowledge was stuck inside of him. Potter hadn't wanted to give Severus the same manipulative power he had taken for himself.
Manipulative bastard. Of course his manipulation had not been as bad as the Dark Lord's. The Dark Lord had told Severus to watch the seer Trelawney in order to overhear a prophecy, knowing that if he was the one to overhear it, he would have a role to play in bringing down Dumbledore. But the prophecy was a discovered check on the Dark Lord, not Dumbledore. However, the Dark Lord quickly used Severus's feelings for Lily to cover himself. The unwitting pawn became the spy. Then the Dark Lord killed her knowing Severus was pinned.
Then again, the Dark Lord had taught Severus many useful things. He trained Severus to be able to duel Potter and Black and win, he taught Severus how to heal many dark curses, he taught him legilimency to complement his occlumency skills. They had been very useful before the Dark Lord's downfall, but Severus did not know how they would be used when the Dark Lord returned.
His position was precarious. Severus had been practicing his legilimency skills on the headmaster and knew that Dumbledore was doubting his loyalty. For some reason, Dumbledore could not believe Severus still cared for Lily. It was like he didn't think someone like Severus could love someone of the opposite gender as much as other people did.
It infuriated Severus because he wanted nothing more than for Lily's murderer to be wiped off the face of the earth. And once again, he was going to be surrounded by people who doubted his loyalties. He remembered first arriving at Hogwarts as a professor and all of the suspicious glances and whispers in the hallways. If Dumbledore decided to stop trusting him, he would be dead.
Severus growled. If that happened, all these years of teaching would have been a waste. He hated teaching. If it weren't for inventive potions, Severus would likely be as bad an alcoholic as his father due to the job. And Dumbledore acts like he was doing Severus a favor.
The only favor Severus really wanted right now was the pleasure of seeing Sirius Black die, to see the light of life leave his eyes. He betrayed Lily to the Dark Lord. He had lied and warmed up to the Potters only to stab them in the back. He was a monster as black as Bellatrix.
Severus knew this from more than just the werewolf incident. It had been right before the werewolf incident, just after returning back from the holidays. Potter must have let slip Severus's secret to Black over the break and Black came with vengeance to find the truth for himself. He was so aggressive that Severus feared Black was going to rape him. Even though he did not, Severus had felt violated.
The memory grew vivid; the fear and violated feelings returned as if Black had just left him naked. Severus drank the entirety of the refilled bottle. Black spots appeared, his consciousness was slipping, he had gone too far. Severus quickly downed the antidote.
He sat and watched the fire in the fireplace die, his mind muddling over everything. When the potion finally cleared his mind, Severus suddenly knew that Black's secret was going to endanger Harry Potter. The secret that Lupin was failing to share.
Severus had tried to imply that Lupin was withholding information, as far as the unbreakable vow would permit him, but Dumbledore blew his concerns off. Why is it that Dumbledore always blew off Severus's concerns?
His mind flitted to Lupin's memory of boggart-Snape in a dress. Then he remembered when Potter would torment him by transfiguring his robes into frilly dresses. Dumbledore hadn't cared then either. This meant only one thing.
Severus stood up. He downed the glass of water next to his bed and headed out the door and into the corridors. If Dumbledore would not take him seriously, then he would step up his game and watch for Black himself. If Lupin wouldn't spill the beans, Severus would watch for the shaggy black dog to come to Hogwarts himself.