Birthday Presents
By: TheMusicMistress
Summary: A short story of seven vignettes. For Yuffie's seventeenth birthday, Vincent promises seven presents, one for each day of the week. From the point of view of Yuffie.
OOOO
Monday
So I woke up not wanting to wake up.
The sun glared through my blinds because I always close them in the wrong direction.
Not a good start for my big day.
One-seventh of my big day, anyway. It wasn't my birthday for another seven days. Besides, I'm not even sure seventeen is such a fabulous number. It just means I'm seventeen years closer to my death. That in another year I'll have to call myself an adult and join the wrinkly masses.
Plus, it's one year shy of being an adult. So I'm too old now to call myself a kid but too young to be called an adult. It's like being stuck between a rock and a giant cactus shaped like a rock—a very uncomfortable situation.
But really, I'm just being grumpy because I know that last night I finished the last of my Choco-Puffs and I can't function properly without them. Epileptic seizures and stuff.
Better just stay in bed.
"Yuffie get up."
Tifa knocks on my door like she does every morning because I'm incapable of waking myself up. Sometimes on the worse mornings she has to get Cloud to unscrew the door handle to get inside. I just bought three extra door locks though—all different colors because that makes me happy—so she's been having real big problems with that.
I tell myself sometimes that I should just move back home with my dad because then at least I'd be living like a princess. But then living with dad would mean doing chores that somehow always revolve around his stupid koi ponds—clean the dookie koi pond, feed the koi in the pond, teach the koi how to swim in the koi pond.
Finally I staggered out of bed like an old lady. See? Almost my seventeenth birthday and I'm already starting to feel the debilitating effects of aging. In a few minutes I'd be crawling and drooling on the floor.
"I'm coming Teefster."
Of course, when I say that I mean I'm coming after I take another ten minute nap and until I smell her cooking pancakes or the familiar crunch of Choco-Puffs.
I heard her waddle away and I knew she was happy that I got out of bed without her having to call Cloud up the stairs. Sometimes I do that on purpose though because Cloud isn't that bad looking and sometimes staring at his body wakes me up. Sometimes. Tifa isn't supposed to know that though.
I stood in front of my closet and deliberated on what to wear longer than I needed to. What month was it again? November? Oh yeah, heh, my birthday. Well, if it was November then it'd be relatively cold…too bad I only owned shorty shorts! Ha. Wait, that wasn't so funny. I was going to freeze.
I heard voices downstairs as I was putting on a tank top and shorts—my only option, really. Rather, I heard his voice.
"You could break you neck that way," Tifa cried at me as I skipped the stairs and jumped over the side of the railing, landing seven feet below. I just gave her the I'm-The-Great-Ninja-Yuffie smile.
"She's right."
My eyes zeroed in on the speaker.
"Valentine!" I cried, running toward my very tall, dark, and handsome friend. I jumped up on his chest and he nearly dropped me. I grabbed onto his hair for support.
Since our adventures together we had become chummy old friends. Ever since the defeat of Sephiroth he had been frequenting Tifa's place. Supposedly he began to come around to keep in touch with his friends, but lately it's been just me since I've been taking up all of his time. Why, just last week he slept over here! I crept into his room and drew on his face in permanent marker. That was fun. Except he was awake the whole time. I don't know why in the world he didn't stop me…
"Good morning," he said to me in his deep baritone voice (a little strained, I pulled out some of his hair) that always made me feel a little wobbly. Heh, he had really nice eyes. I mean face. I mean body. I mean voice. What was I talking about again? "Are you alright?"
I looked up at him with big wide 'ol eyes. He still had the trace of a permanent marker moustache on his face. Ha ha. "I need Choco-Puffs," I said automatically. Then I jumped down and ran into a table. Fell on my knees. Then I ran out the door.
After I few minutes I smelled Vincent's cologne behind me.
Vincent tells me that he followed me because Cloud said I become frantic when there are no Choco-Puffs at the store, which happens often because they are deliciously popular. Cloud wanted Vincent to tag along so I wouldn't run away to another city in my crazed state of needing Choco-Puffs.
Or that least that's what I deduced from Vincent's prolonged silences. Hey, you know, if shooting people didn't quite give him enough retirement money he could always be a mime.
Ha ha. Funny mental image.
"So Valentine, how old are you?"
My too-subtle way of reminding him it's almost my birthday.
"I did get you a birthday present, Yuffie."
Ah, Vincent was great. What a sweetie. Not to mention he was amazing at knowing exactly what I was thinking. We just had amazing chemistry—a bond where friends automatically understand too-subtle messages through their linked psycho telekinetic powers. Or was it psychic? Whatever.
"Thanks Vinnie! How'd you know it was my birthday?"
He gave me "the look".
He popped open his cell phone, clicked a few things, and held it up to my face. I already knew what it was but I stopped walking to look at it anyways. It always gave me the cackles.
MESSAGE INBOX:
YUFFIE-FOURTEEN DAYS!
YUFFIE-THIRTEEN DAYS!
YUFFIE-TWELVE DAYS!
YUFFIE-I got Marlene to fart in church! (message rolled away to reveal--) ELEVEN DAYS!
Today was only the seventh day and I forgot to send him the current message. I guess thinking up a haiku to send him took too long after all.
"You filled up my inbox."
"Nyuk nyuk, there's more where that came from!" Then I gave him a serious look. "Well maybe you should get a bigger box," I advised him.
"…"
I laughed while he simply stared at me. Before, his bloody gaze use to unnerve me. Now though, I know he stares at everything. That's what I like about Vincent. He's unbiased. Unlike Cloud, who only stares at you if he thinks you have a nice rack. Or my dad, who stares only because he's old and I think that makes blinking hard for him.
"I'm sorry," I said, when I noticed that Vincent still had this trumped look on his face. "I mean, it's really nice that you bought me a present. And that you're here to protect me from Ms. Weedy."
"…Ms. Weed—"
"The lady behind the counter. She doesn't like me very much. I use to steal candy bars from her store."
"Yuffie, you really shouldn't—"
"Use to, Valentine. I'm a good little girl now," I told him, winking. He stared.
"And is Ms. Weedy her real name?"
I pulled him into the store and waved at the black-haired woman behind the counter with the crooked teeth. She glared at me and held up her stubby finger with the long nails up in warning.
"No. I don't know what her real name is. I just call her that though because I think she sells weed."
"…"
"You know, marijuana? It's illegal. And green."
"I know what it is."
"Yeah, well then, she reeks of it."
"How would you know what it smells like?"
"Why are you asking so many questions? It's my birthday. Sorta. Be quiet."
Never thought I'd be telling Vincent Valentine to be quiet. He was absorbing so much of my creative energy though that I felt tired. All I wanted was to get my Choco-Puffs, not be interrogated.
Mercifully, there was one box left. This was amazing, because on Monday mornings they usually ran out. Heh, Vincent Valentine was luckier than a rabbit's foot, then. Maybe I could put a leash on him and keep him tied to my waist.
"Vincent!" I stopped him before we rounded the aisle to the cash register.
"Yuffie what are you—" He tried to pull me in the direction of Ms. Weedy.
"Gah diddly!" I snatched him back. "She'll see us."
"…"
Apparently Vincent did not understand that there was a negative aura between Ms. Weedy and I, and with a handsome man like Vincent with me she would be sure to get jealous. Then the aura would explode and I'd die. She'd live, of course, because she sold weed and her judgment wasn't at hand yet.
"She's going to kill me."
"Yuffie, you say that every time we come here."
"But it's funny."
I saw his nose scrunch a little. It was funny when he did that. I started to notice that in certain situations he'd do it. I finally figured out that maybe he has a smile defection so therefore scrunches his nose up instead. So I have to watch myself around him now, because I'm sure that if he laughed out loud his smile defection would backfire and his nose would explode. Then he'd have a hole in the middle of his face.
"Ok fine. I get it. Old joke. But really, I have no money."
Vincent never shows any real facial expression (aside from his very expressive nose), but right then I saw something mild pass through his gaze. "Neither do I," he told me.
"What? But you always have money! You're stinkin' rich! You drink wine instead of water, for Bahamut's sake!" I knew this for a fact. He had a cellar full of wine in his own home. Therefore, I think Vincent is a sophisticated alcoholic. I also think that because of his love for red wine his pee is not yellow, but a mixture of red and yellow, which would be orange.
"Shh. Ms. Weedy might hear you."
I frowned at him. Damn Vincent for playing on my weakness. I quickly stopped badgering him and lowered my voice. "Well this is the last box and I'm not letting it go."
Vincent's eyes slid half-closed, as if he was thinking. I stared at his long lashes and waited. Maybe this was a national crisis, but it was still nice to be close to him and his scent and his sexiness. Not many girls got to be this close to a supposed vampire after all. It was like a fantasy.
"Stay here," he finally said. "I'll get the money."
"And leave me here?" Did I sound incredulous? I hoped so. I think Ms. Weedy had little mini Ms. Weedy imps that prowled the store and bit people's ankles. People like me.
"You're a ninja," he reminded me.
I pouted. "But I'm cute too! You know those boys can't keep their hands off me…who knows what will happen to me while you're gone."
Yeah, good job Yuffie. Use boys as an example when what you're really afraid of is a tiny Asian lady at the front counter.
He arched an eyebrow at me and cleared his throat. A few rowdy boys walked into the store and he glanced at them. Then back at me. He stared at me for a bit as the boys roared loudly in the background and talked about 'going all the way'.
"You'll be fine."
"Vincent!"
He quietly stalked away from me then, his feet making no noise on the linoleum floor. I followed him with my eyes, my mouth open slightly and my hands still clutching my Choco-Puffs. Did he really just leave me? When the boys were in the middle of talking about vaginas?
Either he blindly trusted my ability to protect myself, or he didn't care if I was raped with Choco-Puffs in hand.
Not that I'd get raped. Like I'd let that happen.
But still…that he left like that…
So I waited there for about a minute before he was back. Nothing happened. And I suddenly looked very high-maintenance for demanding he protect me when I was perfectly capable of doing it myself AND he wouldn't even be gone long.
"Hi…" I said awkwardly to him as he loomed over me. I almost asked him if he had to turn his showerhead up instead of down because he was so tall. Or if he'd ever peeked into a ladies' changing room since he was certainly tall enough to do so inconspicuously.
"Yuffie, if you're wondering about my height again…"
"It's ok Valentine. I know your mother was a giraffe."
"Don't only immature little kids make your mother jokes?"
Yuffie made a Who-Do-You-Think-You're-Talking-To face. "It's 'yo mamma'. You have to get the accent right."
"…"
"So, since you're such a sweetie you'll pay for the cereal, right?"
"Yuffie—"
She brutally poked him in the side and he twitched a little.
"Tag. You're it. Too bad, Valentine. Now you have to do it."
"Since when—"
"I'll be waiting over there…."
OOOO
"I'm sorry I was a jerk," I said to him after he had paid for the Choco-Puffs while I hid in the cosmetics aisle and tried on makeup.
He glanced at me and smirked. "I don't mind."
Why the hell was he smirking so much?
"You look like a clown," he told me. In a sincere way. Sorta. As sincere as Vincent Valentine can be, anyway.
I put my fingers to my lips and frowned at him. So what if I didn't like the first color I put on? There's nothing wrong with layering lipsticks, geez…
"Well you look like a vampire."
Vincent tapped his right arm and I looked down at it. "What? What is it?" I peered closer and laughed. "Oh, a tan! Valentine, don't tell me you bought a tanning bed."
"Tanning beds give you cancer."
"I know, but did you get a tanning bed?" Cajoling Vincent was so fun; he always put up with it. The man had an immaculate sense of patience.
"That's ridiculous. It's from you."
I giggled and grabbed his arm to inspect it. "I make you darker? You better be careful Vincent, you might look like Barrett in a month."
"And you'll look like Big Bertha if you keep eating those Choco-Puffs."
I gave him a punch in the shoulder. Then I noticed his blood red cape and smiled mischievously. Grabbing the side of it, I rubbed off my lipstick.
"Thank you," he said dully. I smiled at him and linked my arm through his. I popped the box—he had to help me with the bag inside—and started to eat the cereal.
"Hey, look, my nipples are hard."
"Yuffie. Please refrain from saying those things in public."
"Aw, you're just embarrassed because you like my boobs. It's ok Valentine."
He sighed and looked away. Gosh, I expected him to get really upset at me, but he seemed more embarrassed than angry. Maybe he really did like my breasts. Or maybe he was immune to me because I tried that same line almost every day since fall started.
"You know," I began again, "I bet you have a really uneven tan…"
"You're still on that?"
Where the hell was Vincent taking me? I just noticed we were walking away from the house. I trusted him too much.
"Yes. With that high collar of yours and that dumb cape, the only tan you have is half your face and your forearms. The rest of you looks like egg whites."
"Egg whites are clear."
"No they're not, stupid. They're white. That's why they're called egg whites."
"Hm."
"Vincent, where the fuzz are you taking me? Are we—hey, what're you—oh geez we're not really—"
Vincent was taking me outside the walls of Midgar! Well, actually he did that quite often. He said city life sucked. Or, um, he said something like 'urban living breeds greed and filth' or something like that. He's always trying to be the next depressing poet. I should tell him that no one will take him seriously as an assassin if he's trying to make poems, but I kinda like it.
"Let's go to the beach," I said instantly.
"No. We always go to the beach. That's why I'm tan."
I guffawed then and squeezed his arm…between my breasts. He looked away suddenly. I chuckled at him, even though my face was a little red at his reaction.
"Well, if you would take off some damn clothes when we go there then you wouldn't be one thirty-twoths tan."
"Did you just say thirty tooths? It's teeth."
"No. Geez, you're going deaf. Take me to the beach Valentine."
"Yuffie, we're not going to the beach today. I think you gave me skin cancer. And it's November."
"Yeah, on half your face."
Vincent told me that he was taking me to get my present. Instantly I was chipper. Then, after a few moments, I was suspicious. My present? In the middle of nowhere? Last year the most he had given me was some money and a pat on the head. For Christmas Vincent had surprised me with a stuffed toy—a stuffed materia, which was basically just a fuzzy ball. He told me it was materia though, and Vincent never lies. Or so he says.
"Why are you giving me my birthday present now, anyways?"
"Anyways isn't a word. It's anyway."
"Thanks for the most useless piece of information in my life. Why are you giving me the present now?"
"Because there's more than one."
Was the joy evident on my face? I quickly wiped it off like a stain on a white dress. I didn't want to look too materialistic, after all. Hey, the word materia is in materialistic…anyways—anyway—it wasn't about what he was giving me; it was just the fact that it was from him.
"Hey, is this like, where you say there's just one but then there's several things contained in that one?"
"What?"
"Like…so you give me a present and it looks like just a stuffed toy, but then I tear its head off and out pops a million other stuffed toys!"
"What kind of example is that? I'm not telling you anything."
"You're so boring, Valentine."
Wow, he was taking me to a lake. Why a lake? Don't ask me that, ask him. I told him I wanted to go to the beach. At least there the water was warmer. Of course, maybe Vincent secretly hated salt water. The salt could get irritating sometimes. And with hair as long as his, having salt dry it all out would be a tragedy indeed.
He walked me to the edge of the lake. The water was dark blue, but it looked black. Not to mention it looked cold. I didn't bring my swim suit, either.
"This is your present," he told me.
Was I the only one that thought the present was a little more…unusual than I expected? "Thanks," I said. "Is it named Yuffie's Giant Toilet?"
I felt his pianist like fingers on my shoulder. "Close your eyes." I heard his velvety voice above me. I let my eyes slide close. Sorta.
He waved a hand in front of me. Dumbly, I waved back.
"Yuffie."
"Whoops."
He shook his head at me and said softly, "Hopeless." He reached into his pocket and produced a wine red handkerchief. He gently, tenderly pushed my bangs out of my eyes. He peered at my profile as he tied the handkerchief around my eyes. My world went dark, but I was very aware of his presence and his warm breath that graced my cheek for a second. Then I was left to stand there.
"Don't move."
I didn't.
I heard his footsteps recede from me. He was leaving me.
"Vincent?"
"Don't move," I heard his voice, farther away.
Was it getting colder?
"Vincent, what's going on?"
I heard a funny noise, but I couldn't figure out what it was. It was a subtle sound, but I couldn't identify it. The closest thing I could come up with was a bunch of crumpling paper.
Shiva, it was getting cold all of a sudden. I wrapped my arms around myself. "Vincent!" I cried. I couldn't hear him at all. I didn't feel him there. Where the hell was he? Did he really just leave me standing at the edge of the lake? "Vincent?"
I could feel my breath now, coming in cold, short gasps. Even though he told me not to, I stepped back experimentally. No one there. Frantically, I spun myself around. "Vincent?! Why is it so cold?"
For all I knew, I was talking to the air.
I started to cry a little, and maybe I didn't tear off the blindfold because I didn't want to admit I was crying. I fell onto my behind and curled into a ball. It was definitely as freezing as hell and I completely believed the world was ending. The world was turning into a giant freezer and Vincent had left me to turn into a snowwoman at the edge of some black lake.
"Shhh." He was suddenly kneeling behind me, his clawed hand stroking my hair. He pulled my back against his chest as he sat down. I was pulled up into his lap. I sobbed like a baby.
"Merffffooo." I told him. I hate you.
He just let out a low chuckle—damn him, he was still sexy—and continued to hold me and touch my hair. I felt his human hand untying the blindfold.
"You're a big jerk," I continued to tell him. "You left me twice today."
"But never for long."
I pouted.
"Yuffie, you'll never see your present if you keep crying like that."
"Errmmuuu."
He took my head in his hands and held it quietly against his chest. Yum. Cologne.
I cried against his chest for a long time, not really understanding why. Really, it hadn't been a big deal at all. It was the thought of losing him though…the thought that he'd just leave me. That was unbearable for me even to imagine.
I finally cracked an eye open—a red, swollen eye—and gasped.
"Vinnie!"
He scrunched his nose up. "Happy birthday."
"One-seventh birthday."
Vincent had frozen over the entire lake.
He picked me up, bridal style, and took me onto the ice.
"Vincent? What're you doing? We don't have ice sk—hey, what're you—gah, Vincent!"
He put me on the ice and pushed. I slid across on my ass.
"Ayy yeee! OW!" A considerable amount of ice collected into my underwear. I stood up shakily, my butt stained wet. "Vincent! Gawd! What's your problem?"
"You told me a month ago you wanted to go ice skating."
"Ice skating, not ass skating."
He slid over to me. "Ah."
"Don't act like you didn't mean to do that. You think this is hilarious, don't you?"
"…"
Vincent and his stupid pranks. What a terrible man. But still…
"Thank you, Vincent," I said begrudgingly. "It's beautiful."
"Look," he said. He pointed to the edge of the lake.
"Hey! A snowman!" I grabbed his hand and tugged him over.
We slid up in front of the snowman, which was about my height. "Geez, Vince, did you make this? It's hideous."
"I only had a minute." He shrugged.
It had a misshapen head (like an elongated watermelon), and a disproportionately large middle and bottom. Vincent shoved the handkerchief into the middle of its face for a nose.
"It has no eyes, Valentine."
"Oh well."
"Hey, there's writing on its chest." I peered at it. "It says….u…f…VINCENT! It says Yuffie!"
He scrunched his nose up.
"Ugh! Vinnie!"
-Birthday Presents
OOOO
A/N: Yes, I did play Dirge of Cerberus but I didn't finish it. So if somebody wants to tell me how it ends I can work some funny thing in about Shelke, even Yuffie's age doesn't match up with the game.
Next chapter: Present two—Vincent gives Yuffie some driving lessons…drivers beware!