We began when the world ended.
The first time the world was destroyed I still had a father, siblings. I still had a house that was a safe haven in the middle of nowhere. We still had our animals. I still slept in my own bedroom. I would open my eyes to the sun in the morning and sleep to the sound of the crickets.
Then I stopped hearing the crickets and instead, I slept to the sound of the despair that settled in my heart. We began to lose people when we gained more of them. I began to feel like I was just waiting…for death.
How long till a walker came and took me, killed me? Before I turned?
I found out my daddy had been holding to a hope that died long ago in the rest of us, in the most heartbreaking way. And on that horrible day, I watched everyone as the little girl they searched for, came stumbling out of that barn. Her pretty green eyes a contrast to the growling monster noises coming out of her mouth.
I watched them all, but the image of that burly grown man I couldn't erase from my mind. I would find myself remembering, watching him when no one could see. I wanted to say something but…who the hell was I?
A kid? No, not quiet. I'm not Carl who's still a child therefore is forgiven for being a brat.
A woman? No, not yet. I'm not Maggie. She's the whole deal. She's a brave woman.
I was…nobody. Not a child, not a woman.
So I did what I was told. Fear of losing them all betraying my heart at every point. Still, I lost them all. Daddy, Maggie, Rick, Carl, Michone, Judith. The world ended, again.
This time it was real.
I was left with him, Daryl. We ran. He watched my back. He didn't see me. Not at first. But he watched over me. In truth, he was delaying. He believed I would die. I could see it in his eyes. It was only a matter of time. Still, he didn't shake and still took care of us.
I resented him for it.
I resented him for not seeing me, just seeing duty. I resented him for not speaking and leaving me alone in this awful new world that had been assigned to me.
In my thoughts, in my resentment, I had the sudden revelation that I've never had a drink. I didn't want to die without tasting one. He wanted to deny me that too but I held firm and I finally got a bottle.
I couldn't drink it. I just couldn't
I had not worn a clean new shirt in so long, I couldn't remember. I finally found one, and it promptly was dripping in walker blood. I didn't yell at him. I just shrugged the sweater off and kept moving.
I got my drink and then I cried.
I cried because something so pristine white and new was ruined by this ugly reality. I cried because I lost two boyfriends and didn't cry then. I cried because I lost daddy and Maggie, and Glen. I cried because I would never hold Judith again or sing her songs. I cried because I was all alone except for this man who was tough and rugged and invincible but deep down was more scared than I was.
He smashed the bottle, took me somewhere with there were 'real' drinks. It was a shack. The drink was Moonshine.
In that shack I learned about him. The reason why he adapted to this world is because he had never known any better. He had lived a fucked up reality, with a fucked up brother. He didn't know about simple socialization games.
Most of all, I learned he had always been a victim of his environment. He had been a stereotype and walked with a huge chip on his shoulder. I watched him yell, scream, and rant at me. I watched him be angry and destructive. I experienced his abuse and I stood up to him.
I watched him break down under the weight the world had placed on him. Responsibility and guilt breaking his back.
And I stood up for him.
I can't count the times in my life I've been hugged. A number probably doesn't exist. Reasons were not necessary. Everyone embraced me.
As I walked to him, I wondered, when was the last time someone had hugged him. Had anyone ever?
So I held this super-man for a long time. Let him cry as he needed. After we sat and talked. Maybe it was the moonshine but he opened up.
About his asshole brother.
About his nothing life.
I told him the truth as I saw it. That he will be the one to survive. Long after I was gone. And there was that fear again. The same he showed outside the barn.
Everything was different this time.
And as we burnt that shack, his past, my past, I made a promise to myself. I would survive.
He had been alone all his life. That was enough. I wouldn't let him.
On that promise is where our world began.