This is for the Brother's Grief Writing Challenge. It is the emotional exploration of Daryl after Merle has died. You were to write what you feel he would have went through after the passing of Merle since the show skipped over it. Hope you enjoy.
Time stood still as his world broke and shattered around him like torrential rain. He didn't feel the shards of his heart as they cut and dug deeper into him. He didn't feel anything other than the complete and total loss of his brother. It was searing his bones and drowning him. He had reached inside his walls and knocked him on his ass. It was such a line to break and Daryl swallowed around the thickness in his throat that he felt. Despite everything Merle was what kept him sane through the years. He was there without always being there, he guided him and guarded him.
He moved through the woods like a wraith. Part of him had died there with Merle. A part himself he'd never get back and wasn't sure he wanted to back. He had so many things to say but it was all to late. With a broken heart and straight face he had reached for Merle, words of brother help me rushing his mind. He stayed on his knees there over his brother's body longer than was necessary but couldn't tear his eyes away. He felt sobs ripping from his body a sound so broken as he howled through his pain. A pain so deep and cutting that he wasn't sure he'd ever heal from it. He had no taunting words from his older brother, no bullshit spewing from his mouth. He was silent. Something that was as unnatural and the dead walking.
Coming to the gates the shards of his heart were digging deeper into him as they pushed away from each other. He didn't even hear the dead as they came up behind him and was barely aware that he was moving forward until the gates sealed behind him. His chest heaved at the thought that Merle was sealed on the outside waiting for him now till he died himself. Part of him wanting to the walk back out of the gates and take every last walker down till he couldn't fight no more. Till his breath was gone and he was wore down, a shell forgotten with its memories.
Rick was talking but Daryl just trudged past him. They knew what it meant for him to come back without his brother. At the thought his throat closed up and his lungs burned as his eyes closed. He was up the tower steps before anyone else could press him. He didn't want to answer their questions, he didn't want or need their pity. They didn't need to bother he had already slipped father than they could fix.
He'd simply say everything if Merle had cared to let him. He'd take it all. Every insult, every taunt, every scar, everything he'd take it all to have that moment back to say everything they never did. His own mind taunted him with Merle's silence blaming him for not getting there, for not stopping him. He'd finally made all the mistakes one life could take and it had cost his brother his life. He should have known better than leave Merle on his own, to leave him to his own devices. He had always acted quick and he needed someone to shake him. He needed Daryl there but he'd been to busy with the rest of the group and everything going on to see what was happening.
Swallowing Daryl slid down the wall dropping to the hard concrete of the tower letting that pain wash through him. He didn't remember much of his trip back besides glimpses of killing the few walkers that had come up on him. Looking down at his hands he was still gripping the knife tightly in his hand and felt the stinging in his eyes. He was so damn sick and the pain was leveling his world.
Merle had always been an unshakable force in his life. Always there without always being there. Daryl had no doubt that back in Atlanta that he had been alive but this was different. He seen the proof his brother was gone. He'd sunk his knife into him and felt it like he'd pierced himself with it. He was alone. He was alone and his brother was gone. His mind was fully of riddles as his own words got in his way and he shoved everything he should have said away.
Merle had been the only person to truly care for him. It might have been fucked up, it might not have been like other people's family but that was Merle. Merle didn't change himself for others you took him as he was or he just didn't bother with you. He'd followed Merle all his life. The two of them against the world and then when this bullshit happened and the dead started walking it wasn't any different to him. They fought their entire life and never stopped. But they had each other and together they could weather any storm.
Daryl felt that familiar feeling when he thought of Merle and the way he always talked to him. Merle had always looked at Daryl as his little brother despite his age. He felt like that little boy on the inside crying out like in their past knowing Merle would be there to stop the bite of that belt. But this time the pain that was washing through him was his own to shoulder without his brother there. Merle wasn't there at his back walking with him his deep laughing and jabs driving him forward through life when he wanted to stop. So when it all fell down where did that leave him? With a broken heart and straight face Daryl let a sob tear through him. He felt the words slip past his lips asking his brother to help him. Merle's silence wasn't refreshing like would have been before. Daryl didn't want to forget the sound of his raspy chuckle or leering words.
Closing his eyes Daryl let everything burn and wash through him hoping to expel the pain and sorrow from him. The day burned away to night that gave way to the early morning sun. He had watched the changing of the day and listened as they walked the court-yard all giving him space.
Letting the knife finally drop from his hands as he heard the clanging of the door push open he didn't even watch as the door pushed open. The sounds of the boots didn't even peak his interest.
"Get your shit together baby brother." Merle chuckled, "Boys up here just lost his mama."
Daryl's chest heaved and he felt like he was strangling on pain at the sound of his brother's voice finally.
"Daryl." The voice was timid. Letting his eyes slide over as he turned his head he was met with Carl's pained eyes. He didn't say anything else as they looked at each other. There was understanding there and Carl eyes went to the window that shined with the days light, it promised gold.
Carl's small form was setting closer to him than normal and Daryl leaned his head back on the bricks.
"They went for him." His voice broke the silence after it carried on for a while.
Daryl just closed his eyes again and nodded slightly. He had so many things to say but the person he wanted to say them to was gone. The sounds of the gates opening had them looking towards the windows again and Carl stood waiting on him. Daryl stood slowly the knife that was covered in his brother's blood, his blood heavy at his feet. Carl leaned down picking it up and turned for the door. Daryl didn't bother to say anything but walked silently down the steps each thud of his boots like a gun shot.
Daryl walked towards the yard where they had buried the rest of the fallen group. He didn't look at the rest of the group as he picked up the shovel and started working against the hard packed earth. Merle's body laid covered in a sheet next to the grave as he worked harder stretching himself past his pain. He could do this for his brother. He could give him his final resting place taking him away from the dead. This was just one more piece of himself he could give in place of the words never spoken.
Carl set at the side of the grave his eyes on Lori's cross that remained standing. Daryl swallowed at the memory of putting it there for her after everything had calmed down. Digging harder and feeling the burn in his muscles Daryl shoveled the dirt away and jumped down in the grave moving Merle's body and letting him lay only looking down for a few minutes before kneeling.
"Sorry brother." Daryl rasped.
The weeks had went fast but in that time the pain had settled to a deep throb in his chest. He had come to accept Merle wasn't in another room or just out of ear shot but he felt so damn sick of it. He'd remember something or think of something he knew would get a rise of him only to realize he wasn't there to tell. Sighing he dropped back on his back watching the shadows as the day burned to night and closed his eyes.
Daryl trailed after Merle through the woods despite his brother's obvious anger. Merle was moving quick as Daryl struggled to keep up with his longer strides. Coming to an abrupt stop Merle turned waiting on him to get to him as he pulled him around.
Merle looked down at him his eyes bright and filled with emotion, "You remember baby brother aint no one cares about you like I do."
Daryl shifted at the memory of a nineteen year old Merle looking down at him speaking to him like it was the last time he'd see him. It had been for a while though and looking back on it Daryl had resented Merle for it. He got a good portion of his scars in those years that Merle was in the armed forces. Looking at it now he knew his brother would have been lost then rather than now had he stayed. Him and Will had been out for blood on each other.
"Gotta get your shit together little brother." Merle snapped at him, "I didn't die so you could roll over and give up like a whipped fuckin' pup! Dixon's aint no fuckin' pussies who roll over taking a beating. Taught you better than that."
Daryl growled and shifted on his cot but remained quiet as his brother's voice berated him.
"Is that what you are now? Officer friendlies boy has more grit than you! Get your ass out there and live." Merle rasped.
Daryl shook his head not wanting to go out there cause he knew Merle would be quiet.
"Don't make me come back and kick your fuckin' teeth in boy!" Merle growled and Daryl could almost feel his breath. "I'm trying to help you brother."
Daryl eyes went to the cell door as a shadow fell across it. "You wanna talk about it?"
"Nothing to say."
"I bet you wherever he is he's raising all kinds of hell waiting on you." There was smile in the voice that had his own lips turning up at the corner.
Looking up he swung his legs over the bed, "Wouldn't be Merle if he wasn't stirring shit up somewhere."
The shards in his chest were still painful but he was able to breathe without feeling like they were splitting his chest in half. He stood up and he heard the slight chuckle of his brother but knew it was in his head but he swore he could feel him there as if he was just out of sight. Daryl closed his eyes briefly before stepping back out the cell door and starting down the steps. He was starting to think he'd always feel that presence that was his brother. Someone who burned so bright didn't leave the this hell without leaving an impression somehow.
"You aint alone little brother." Merle's voice was hoarse, "These bastards care for you, not like I would mind you but. Never liked Ol' Merle much but don't matter if they watch after your sorry ass."
Daryl shook his head at the voice Merle's taunts still there something that before set his blood on fire now soothing to him. Taking his bowl of food he set down and listened to the group laugh and talk. Things had settled since the Governor had taken off and Merle had given them a chance to survive. Since he'd given him a chance. With a broken heart and a straight face he watched the people who had somehow become part of his family but weren't his blood. Merle's death would always be settled in his chest heavily as he always looked to his big brother for help. But he was letting himself believe that he wasn't alone, not like before. He wasn't fixed, there were some things that you couldn't fix but he was learning to live with the strangling pain that was his sorrow and unspoken words. He'd remember all those things he needed to say and wait till the day he was able to look Merle in the eye and then he'd tell him.
"Boy stop being a sentimental pussy."Merle's voice cackled close to him.
Daryl smirked looking down feeling that pain in his chest get a little easier to breathe around.