Kara lands on her balcony in full Supergirl garb. She knows it's dangerous, that she might be spotted but she can't bring herself to care. Her tears have dried in the wind but her eyes still feel puffy and raw. A headache sits dully behind her brows and her stomach churns. Today she took a life maybe more. Today she failed to save many more. Today reason and love and hope didn't win. Today she gave up her mother's necklace, just one more remnant from a lost world gone. Today she lost she lost someone she loved, forever. Today was not a good day. She knows she made the right decision, that there were no better options. That she made a choice worthy of Supergirl but she doesn't much feel like being Supergirl or even Kara Danvers right now. She wishes that for once she could just be Kara Zor-El.
But her apartment isn't empty when she lands.
Cisco. Cisco Ramon. Barry's friend. Vibe. Though you wouldn't have known today, he's dressed in an oversized green cardigan with his hair drawn into a loose bun at the nape of his neck looking dour and worn. Just like how Kara feels.
"Cisco," a hint of surprise colors her voice because she was almost expecting someone to be here but not him. It would have brightened her day, her whole world to see Barry there but Cisco she hardly knows. She's somewhat at a loss for words.
A hint of a smile races across his face like he knows exactly what she's thinking but it's all too fleeting. Something happened.
"Kara. Hey, sorry about the whole breaking into your apartment... again. I didn't know where else to find you."
"No, it's okay," she smooths her hands down her skirt and steps into the room through the open window. He's sitting on her couch and she doesn't quite know where to sit or stand. "Is there trouble?"
"Nothing you can fix at least not now."
Kara's stomach does a somersault and her mouth goes dry. A million horrible scenarios rush through her head.
"Can I get you something to drink?" She doesn't know why she says that. It's like she's been possessed by the spirit of some proper hostess in her steadily settling shock. Again there's the knowing melancholy smile.
"I wouldn't mind some whiskey if you've got it?" She does. Alex keeps her well stocked. She pours him a glass then brings the whole bottle and sets in on the coffee table. There's only a second of hesitation before she sits on the couch and places a hand on his knee because she doesn't know but she knows. His fingers tremble as he reaches for the glass.
"Thanks. Look I'm sorry for barging in on you like this. I just- I just thought you should know," he brings the glass up to his lips and takes a big gulp. A spattering of nervous laughter slips out. "You know I never got it. The whole super healing thing? It was never a part of the vibe package. Like the universe knew I was going to need a lot of alcohol." He meets Kara's eyes and for the first time she realizes his dark eyes are red rimmed. She squeezes his knee and he nods. He doesn't start where he meant to though, she can tell. "We buried HR. Yesterday."
"Mon-el had to leave the planet and he can never come back. I made him leave," she blurts the words out like verbal diarrhea when her mind is racing with what she remembers of the man with the bowler hat and drumsticks. She doesn't mean to compare because somehow she's devastated. But if they're sharing, they might as well share.
"I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry too. HR was a good guy."
He nods and swallows hollowly.
"The weirdest, best guy I ever knew. But there's more. Too much more. Barry... Barry he's, Kara, he's gone and I don't think we can get him back. I don't know how to get him back."
And there it is the floor dropping out from underneath her. She knew it had to be Barry. It was going to be Barry. But that's one more. One more gone. She's been abadoned again. Lost again. She sits stone cold and Cisco watches her. There's desperation in his face like he wants her to tell him it's not true. She wishes she could. She wishes it was all a joke.
"What- what happened?"
"Some time in the future Barry created a prison in the Speed Force. A hell to hold his other self only he didn't know that Savitar was him. But we- we uh killed Savitar. So there was no one to fill that void and the Speed Force became unstable. It came for Barry, nearly tore the city apart to get him."
"It took him?"
"It asked. And he went with it. He left us," suddenly Cisco surges to his feet and runs a rough hand through his hair. " And- and Caitlin left. I spent so much time trying to bring her home and then she just walked away." His voice cracks with his last words.
Kara stays sitting because she's not sure her legs would hold her up. She tries not to see this news as more people she failed to save. She fails at that too.
"Cisco, I'm sorry. I know what it's like to lose people you care about. It feels like you'll never be whole again. Like you'll always feel this way forever." And that's maybe the tragedy of it all. Because in some ways you wish it would be agony for the rest of your life and it's not. Not if you find something else to live for.
"That's just it though. I didn't just lose them. Not even HR. It wasn't an accident, a twist of fate, it was a choice! They chose to leave. They left me. Just like everybody else leaves. Everyone leaves." Cisco stops red faced with tears running down his cheeks. Kara finally pushes herself up off the couch and staggers to his side. There will be time for questions and plans later. For now she wraps her arms around him.
"I know that feeling too," she mutters softly. He buries his face in her shoulder and she pulls him in tighter. "But they didn't leave because they didn't want you. They left because they had to do what they thought was right. That's all any of us can do. And we have to go on. It's what heroes do."
"I just don't think I'm cut out to be hero."
"No one does. I certainly don't. But we have to keep pretending because otherwise who would do it?"
He chuckles wetly against her and wipes his nose on his sleeve, leaning back to meet her eyes.
"How'd you get to be so wise?"
"Practice."
"That sucks."
"Yeah, it does."