Kasey had arrived on the island in a blur of acerbic, sharp-witted jibs and jabs. His sarcasm nearly bowled over our resident cynical chef – Chase – and, at first, I reveled in the man's dry humor, if only to see Chase fluster for comebacks. Obviously used to being in the spotlight, Kasey commanded the bar patron's attention; he enlivened the bar atmosphere with his constant stories and jokes. Only later did I find out that he was after one bar patron in particular.
Kathy…
Sometimes I still don't understand how it happened, but all of a sudden I realized that Kathy was gone. I made a mistake and somehow it made her run straight into his arms. Maybe at first his embrace was warm and compassionate, but it steadily morphed into a stifling and callous hold over her.
Slowly I realized there was a key difference between Chase and Kasey. Although both men had a tendency to push the limits of their cynicism, the quiet chef always managed to admit his faults and mutter an apology. However, the brash farmer rarely apologized, instead seemingly relishing when a particular jibe knocked someone to their knees.
He was never supposed to stay here. A short visit to his sister turned into a prolonged postponement. When he met Kathy, there was no way he was leaving. That vibrant personality was the only other contender for the spotlight; her laugh would light up the room, green eyes shining. I only had eyes for her, unaware that a different pair trailed my own gaze.
I remember the day Luke told me that they were dating – the shock and confusion wracking my mind. Regret tearing apart my sanity. The questions constantly circulating – what if, what if, what if. What if I had just been honest with her? But it was too late. While I spent my time questioning my actions and asking how I could have changed the past, she was moving forward and leaving me behind. At some point, you have to leave the what ifs behind and start asking yourself, 'What now?'
For a while, my answer was another girl: Molly. The younger sister of Kasey, her initial pursuits were lost on me as I spent mourning Kathy. Over time, I began to appreciate her attention and slowly the attraction was reciprocated. She wasn't a distraction; she was appealing in a manner distinct to Kathy: she was brash and bold, stubborn as a mule, and constantly filled my life with adventure and excitement. Similar to her brother, but her heart was pure gold.
But she wasn't Kathy. Even when I was with Molly, I couldn't stop asking what if? I was too full of past regrets to acknowledge the present happiness. My gaze would still wander to Kathy, her green eyes now downcast. There was no more laughter lighting the room; only the quiet sighs pervading my every thought. I told myself that what I was doing was unfair to Molly. As I desperately tried to banish these thoughts or emotions, she was already moving forward. So, as quickly as it began, it ended. 'I found God,' Molly claimed and never looked back.
The cracks already running through my heart grew deeper; the integrity of the muscle further deteriorated. Always my fault, I began drowning my incessant and dismal thoughts at the bar. Unfortunately, so was her brother Kasey, who spent more than one night spitting insults and snarling his so-called advice. I ignored him until he hurled his fists instead of drunken slurs, the bar erupting into a clusterfuck of curses, spilled beer and overturned chairs. It ended within seconds with Hayden firmly tossing the inebriated farmer out onto the street while threatening to clobber me if I even thought about chasing Kasey down.
Later that night, Kathy slipped into the opposite seat. Assuming she was there to reprimand me for throwing her boyfriend against the wall, I immediately began to spew out an apology for my irrational behavior, but stopped mid-sentence when she reached out and gripped my hand. Her eyes were tender and kind, but her lips curled downwards in despair. "Are you okay?" The concern in her whisper entranced me, almost beckoned me to admit everything… I love you, love you, love you. She rubbed my hand with her thumb. I made a mistake. A smoldering pain spread through my chest. I want you… I need you.
I just dumbly nod my head. She narrowed her eyes, as if that might reveal what I'm hiding away. I was never as skilled at hiding my emotions; not like her. Sometimes I thought that she could read the lines on my face like sentences in a book, but maybe it never went deeper than recognizing the base emotions: remorse, anger, joy or love. She never understood the profounder reasons lying between the lines. If she did, I wouldn't have spent all this time trying to find the right words.
She slowly stands up from the chair, her hand dropping from mine. Without thinking, I reach out and gently grab her, my eyes surely pleading for her to stay. Don't leave me. Her lips finally curve into a small smile and she lightly drags her hand up my arm to the shoulder as she approaches me. "Everything will be okay," she whispered in my ear, her hot breath tickling my every nerve. "You don't need her anyway." The warmth from her hand disappeared and she walked back to the bar. I close my eyes, wishing she could just understand who I really need.