Explanation: I had a request from fellow contestant Crystia to run my fifth round with a handicap that would go with three of my others – I had so far run amongst others a fic that banned dialogue, a fic that banned everything but thoughts, and a fic that banned everything but setting. A fic that banned everything but dialogue seemed like a really good idea at the time, and so I quietly wrote this up, in between my other contest fics. I wrote it in a notebook, and typed it up, then lost a whole bunch of things off my computer (including my three fics for Round Four, which then had to be typed out from memory), and had to type it up all over again.

Unfortunately, I then remembered after writing it that Round Five was meant to have an all–out, ramped up, no holds barred handicap. But... on the other hand, I really, really liked this, and I'd put an awful lot of effort into it, and I'd even finished it twice, and I kinda totally wanted the suggester to see it. So, here ya go. Be warned, it's pretty rough and unedited in places.

Warnings: None!

Length: 2700, but looks a lot longer than that.

...Seriously, it's 14 pages in Word.

Time Period: Either during or after DOMA; it's up to you.

Handicap:"I will use nothing but dialogue and sound effects, but mostly only dialogue."

Feedback: Concrits are liked the most, but all of it is very welcome. Can a dialogue-only fic actually work?

Fourteen Things I Hate About You

"Pleassssse ssssstand in the presssssenssse of s'aaalord Thothssss."

Scrape. Scrape.

Thunk.

"Pleassssse try notsssa fall flat on facessss in the pressssenssssse ofsss'aaaLord ... dissssstractingssss for Himssss."

"Oooooh, I'm so sorry, Your Lordiness Lordy Lord Toto–"

"GRMPHEHEHEHEH–"

"–but Dino–moron here pushed me."

"HEHEHEH–uh? No fair! I tripped you!"

"Pushed!"

"Tripped!"

"Pushed!"

"Tripped!"

SILENCE! There shalt be silence, and it shalt be now, and it had BETTER be now, OR ELSE!

"Oh yeah? Y'want us ta bow ta you too, ya ol' bird–brai–"

THUNK!

...That appears to be a slight improvement, albeit unexepected.

"Will youssss pleasssssse ssssssitssss in teh presssssensssse ofssss–"

"Yeah, yeah, Ah'm sitting! Bug–brat pushed me!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

SILENCE, RA DAMN YOU! THOUST BEHAVIOUR IST MOST UNSEEMLY!

"We're teenagers. Sorry, but we ain't very seemly people."

KRAAAAAWWWW! INSOLENCE SHALT NOT BE TOLERATED!

"Ark, ark!"

"PfffGAHAHAHA–"

SILENCE! SILENCE! SILENCE!

"Lemme think long and ha–NO."

"Ssssir, Nehebkau believessss teenagerssss are... differentssss. Permissssionssss to dealsssss with thesssse?"

Thoust hast my blessing, Nehebkau (1). Please make them presentable.

"Oooh, big snaaaaky! Watcha gonna–"

"SSSSHUTSSSSS THE BLOODY HELLSSS UP, OR NEHEBKAU SSSSHALL TEAR OFF YOUR LEGSSSESSS AND SSSSHOVE THEM DOWNSSS'YOUR THROATSSSSESSS, AND THENSSS NEHEBKAU SSSSHALL EAT YOU WHOLESSS!"

"...Oooookay. Dat's... very direct."

"...Right... um... So, let's just get this over with. I am a very busy person, your Lordship."

"He sssssayssss he issss... aheheheh... very bussssysssss."

If you say so.

"I just did!"

"Yeah! You deaf, or what?"

"Actually, I would say the snake is. They don't have ears, you know."

"Ohhh, right! Yeah, snakes have got lots of holes in their heads! Stoopid–"

"SSSsssss!"

"Eep!"

"Ssssss, pray for your sssssoulssss..."

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?"

"Yeah – Ah know I'm da defendant, but Ah'm wif stoopid over dere."

"Anywayssss, willssssteh prossssssecutorpleassssse risssssse in teh presssssenssssse ofssss'aaaLor–"

"But I just sat down!"

"HSSSSSAAAAAH! SSSSSSPFFFFFFT!"

"Aheh – what I meant to say was that I was going to get up, right away sir."

"Sssss... Lord Thothssss, Great Judge of Egypt, Patron of Knowledgessssesss, Logicsssessss, and Cheesssseburgerssssss... mmm...Yesssss, Nehebkau hereby pressssssentsss to yousss Insssssector Haga, Ssschief Prosssssecutor."

What case doth he present, Nehebkau?

"Come on, I'm right here! At least let me–"

"Wissssshessss to explain why Dinosssssaur Ryuuzaki dessssservesssss... that fate more than he doesssss."

The defendant's case?

"Wisssshessss to explain why Haga dessssservessss that fate more."

And... Thoust have subjected them to the Feather?

"Yessss, Lordsssshipsss. They will tell the truthsssss only."

One sees. Speak, then, Haga. Nehebkau?

"Lordsssss?"

Please have Ryuuzaki gagged for the moment.

"Asssss you wisssssh."

"H–hey, geddaway frum meh– MMMHHHH!"

I. Bus Trips

"The awkwardness of a school bus trip has yet to be rivalled, Your Honor."

Why exactly is that?

"Look. Has Your Holiness ever been trying to count Your sacred poker earnings, when the jock next to you leans over and yells ' 'Ey, got any liquor?'"

One cannot say one has. This... 'jock' thou speaks of...caw... Is one to believe it was Ryuuzaki?

"Exactly! It was even worse than just trying to wait it out with a girl."

How so?

"The school ball was the next weekend, dummy!"

Hmm. Nehebkau, please bring forwards the Book of Celebrations. One does not understand this... 'Skool Bal'. Is it some pagan custom?

"Nehebkau believessss ssssso, my Lordssss..."

Very , small human.

"'Dis chair ish schweaky!"

"No duh, Sherlock."

"Hey! Ah was jus' trying ta make sum con'servayshon, an' ya jus' hadta–"

"Repeat after me: No. ."

"Repeat af'er me– HEY!"

"Ah, quiet."

"...Naaahh."

"I said, quiet!"

"An' I said, 'Ninety –nine boddles on 'da wall–"

"That wasn't what you said!"

"Ooh, join in, everywun – 'Ninety–nine bod–'"

"OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!"

"...Ninety–nine boddles on 'da wall, ninety–nine boddles of beeeeeer! Take one down an'–"

SILENCE IN THE COURT! One KNEW One shouldst not have removed the gag!

"Oh no, Your Holiness – I believe Ryuuzaki is getting the lyrics correct, even with that... accent. See, it's ninety–eight bottles after that–"

"Yeah! Nine'y eight boddle–"

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHACRACK!

"...Oh dear. You appear to have split your desk in two. I'm so sorry for you."

Click. Click. Click.

" . Actually, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry. SORRY, DAMMIT!"

"SSsssssir... Perhapssssss itssss wouldsssss not be for teh besssstesssss ifssss you disssssembowelsssss them."

It teaches them discipline.

"Not ifsss they do notssss'happenss to be alivesss afterwardssss... Shha, remember lasssst time?"

One remembers all, Nehebkau, and thy judgment rings true. So... Continue, Haga.

"Ahem! From the moment I met him, I knew that he was the best of worst friends. When we parted, he was my one and only...

...

...Yes?

"My one and only... um, where's the line... um... Oh! When we parted, he was my one and only WORST BEST FRIEND EVARRRRR!"

"WAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"WAAAAAAAHHHH!"

This shalt be a rather lengthy court case, it seems.

"Indeedsssss."

II. Camping – in particular, tents.

Must we go through how the defendant is related to thy every pet hate, Haga?

"Yes."

Kraaaw! But we shalt be here all day if we dost that – and half the night as well!

"Good thing we don't have day and night down here, then."

Relatively speaking!

"Whatever."

"We have to WHAT?!"

"Sleeps together in ze tentsa. You vere bus buddies."

"You mean 'no–one likes us enough to team up with us', right?'"

"Non, non!"

"Y'do so!"

"Fine, zen it's because zeveryone hates you two!"

"Well, count me out! Ah'm not sleepin' wif Gay Bug Guy!"

"And I'm not sleeping with Dumb Dino Guy!"

"HMPH!"

"HMPH!"

"Hey– Rizzzaki, come baack!"

"...He left. He really left..."

"Congratulations, Miss. You are an absolute prize idiot, letting him walk off like that."

"Why, you little–"

"Laaaater!"

"HAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Exactly HOW many from the list must we go through?

"Fourteen."

Ah. Couldst thou not changest that to... say... Four?

"No. Thirteen, if I must."

Seven.

"Nine."

Eight. One shalt go no higher, rrrark.

"Oh, eight will do nicely..."

III. Hide and Seek.

"See, bird–head, I really don't like hide and seek."

"Ya wally! Whaddaya, blind? Y'seriously didn't see the heading? IN BOLD? Hello, thing that totally isn't a fourth wall?"

"I'll seriously you in a minute!"

"Y'bloody well wish!"

"Don't make me angry, Ryuuzaki!"

"Doncha go tickin' me off, Haga!"

"I'll smack your great fat nose in a moment!"

"Ah'll slap yer great fat face if you do!"

"You can't! I've got glasses!"

"Ah jolly well can!"

THWACK

"Owowowowow!"

THWACK!

"Ouch! Whad was dat for?"

"You slapped me!"

"Well, Ahwas jus' making a point! Y'shouldn't haf smacked meh, moron! Yore gonna regret it!"

"Oh yeah? Go tell that to momm–"

TWHACK!

"Mummy says Ah'm a good boy, dangnabbit!"

THWACK!

THWACK!

THWACKTHWACKTHWACKTHWACKTHWA CKTHWACKTHWACKTHWACK

"Wooo, catfight! Sss... erm... No offensssse to Basssst, obviousssslysss..."

"Meow?"

Cark! Tell One, Nehebkau, the One Who Has Been Outside: Are all teenagers like these?

"Nehebkau believesssssho. They are... rather rudessss."

CRASH CRASH CHOP!

"Hey, knucklehead!"

"Y–ya really came!"

"Of course I– Mmf! Don't hug me! You're filthy!"

THUMP!

"Been out 'ere fer two days. Whaddaya expect? An' why'd you come?"

"Of course I came looking for you! If you'd gotten lost and died, I wouldn't have gotten all A pluses this year!"

"Why, ya liddle geek!"

"Thug!"

"Wishywashy!"

"Coward!"

"Stick insect!"

"Ruffian!"

"Bastard!"

"Old fossil!"

"Oh yeah? Well–"

CARK! SILENCE!

"..."

"..."

"...Pipsqueak."

Rustle, rustle. "So, number four."

IV. Pegasus

One previously believed this case to be concerning Ryuuzaki.

"Really? Nehebkau thoughtssss it wassss'about Haga. After all – with every wordssss, the mortal digssss hisss own grave."

Thunk.

One dost not even know WHAT one thinks anymore.

Thunk.

"Pleasssse try notssss to hitssss teh sssacred ssstone table with your beaksssssa'Lordsssships. Your brainsssss drained out your earsssss lasssstimessss."

Thy advice is... timely.

"Ahem! Is anyone listening! Hellloooo, Chief King Prosecutor talking over here! Attention!"

Quiet, mortal. Bigger people are talking.

"Excuse me, but you're a guy with a ibis head, and he...she... it... Anyway, that thing happens to bea two headed snake. I've been polite up to now, but there's no way I'm taking that sort of–"

"Ssssshoundssss Nehebkau jusssst cutsss off hisssss head? Eatssss hissss fassssse? Bothsss atssss teh ssssame timessss?"

No. He shalt speak his case to One, and One shall listen. That is the way things have been, and shall always be.

"So, as I was saying..."

"I don't get it!"

Splish. Splosh.

"Why'd Pegasus have to kick us off the jolly island? We were doing great!"

Splish. Splosh.

"Hey! You agree that it was TOTALLY unfair, right?"

Swish. Splosh.

"...S'was fair. fair."

"Oh no you DIDN'T!"

Thump.

"Hey, gerroff me, ya shorty!"

"I can't! Our centre of balance is–"

"The boat's gonna flip–"

"AIIIEEEEE!"

"ARRRRGH!"

"I HATE YOU, RYUUZAKI!"

"AH HATE YOU, HAGA!"

SPLASH!

One still fails to see what this matter has to do with Pegasus.

"Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with him –I'm just making this up here. See, all my papers are blank..."

What, thou didst not consider to make a case before thou hauled thy sorry arse here?

"I made one, printed it off 'www. ' and everything, but then I dropped it outside the courtroom."

Why didst thou not pick thy earthly document up from the ground?

"Erm... Is Your Holiness feeling all right?"

"Yeah – maybe we're ah liddle to much for ya?"

Fools! Fools! Only fools wouldst think such things!

"Sssss... Your Majesssssty, Sssssir Thothssss... You approvedsss teh plansssss for the crocodile moat and lava pitssss around teh Courtsss..."

Grumble grumble grunt grunt huff puff HMPH.

Haga.

"Hmm?"

Is it true that thou hast no case?

"Yep."

Ryuuzaki.

"Yeaaaaah?"

Dost thou possess a case in thy defense?

"Naaaaaah."

Then One shalt have to make One's own judgement of this matter. What is the accused being accused of, Nehebkau? One dost not believe One was informed...

"Multiplesssiclesss degree, Lordssshipsss."

One sees. And the victims?

"A ssssertain Misssster Common Ssssssensssse, a Ssssir Intelligensssesss, and a Missss Virginity."

None of whom Anubis has recorded as being dead.

"Look, it was a–"

"Sssssspeak only when sssspoken to, mortal!"

"Mmf!"

"It's okay, it's okay, 'e wasn't going ta!"

"DARE TO PUT YOUR HAND OVER MY MOUTH AGAIN, AND I'LL TOTALLY–"

"SSSSSHUT UPSSSS! NEHEBKAU ISSSSS SSSSICK OF YOU BOTHSSSS, PATHETIC MORTALSSSS!"

"Yessir."

"Whadever ya say."

So… Haga brings false charge against his husband.

"My what?! Okay, look. The thing I said to that clerk, that was FIGRATIVE LANGUAGE. And as for the whole 'husband' thing, we're not married."

Thou swore by the Feather to tell the truth, and thou didst not. Regarding the use of the word 'husband', One would like to point out that under Egypt laws, the two must be compatible; no more, no less. Thou may use contracts to sort out thy terms with the families... but there exists no 'marriage' ceremony. Cark!

"Trust me, we ain't marri–!"

One begs to differ.

"This stinks! We lost everything to a couple of newcomers! Joey was bad enough, but now... Sheesh, killed in the first round of Battle City. And you, Rex! You lost to some weirdo, who that goddamn Joey beat twenty seconds later!"

CLANG!

"I hate that git! Just think, he's robbed us of everything!"

YELP! Patter patter patter

"No more movie premieres, no more private parties... No more hot chicks..."

"Oi, are you two Ryuuzaki and Haga?"

"Yeah, what's it to y–"

WHAM CRASH BANG THUMP

"Owww!"

"..."

"..."

"...Ryuuzaki? You okay?"

"Whad de– y'feelin' awright?"

"I dunno. It's just that... you know. We're all alone, aren't we? Alone together?"

"Ah guess..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Haga, whaddaya doin'?"

"I have no clue."

"..."

"..."

"Why'd ya lick my knee?"

"I don't know."

"..."

"..."

"Why'd ya lick all my bruises?"

"Not sure."

"..."

"..."

"Why'd ya... erm... kiss me?"

"No idea."

"..."

"..."

"WHY DA HELL AMMI USIN' ALL DIS DESCRIPTIVE LANGUAGE?"

"Because you're an idiot."

"Oh, come ON! ONCE!"

"Mmmmf!"

Once is enough. Wrongfully killing one man shalt make Ammit eat your heart, just as killing six men shall. It is, then, a question of how many men thou canst oust at once.

"Look, we're not freaking ma–"

For marriages, there art... special rules. If Ryuuzaki happens to be willing to forgive thou for thy bringing libel against him, then thou shalt not receive the eternal damnation thou wouldst otherwise have–

"Oh, did I say we weren't married? Because we definitely are. Yep, no question about that."

"MMMMFFF!"

So, thou art finally willing to tell the truth. In that case, if Ryuuzaki forgives thou, thou shalt both return to the upper world with One's blessing, living together in peace and happiness.

"Living together? That's just... well... um..."

And now, let Ryuuzaki be ungagged. Ryuuzaki, dost thou solemnly swear that thou forgive Haga for his sins? Dost thou promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health? Dost thou promise to love him and honour him for all the days of thy life?

"Ah do."

Haga, dost thou solemnly swear that thou accept Ryuuzaki's forgiveness? Dost thou promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health? Dost thou promise to love him and honour him for all the days of thy life?

"...I do."

Then go, in joy and peace. Oh, and Ryuuzaki...

"Yeah?"

It is customary to kiss the bride.

"..."

"..."

"I don't wanna."

"Shaddup an' lemme kiss yer. Ya owe me one."

"..."

"..."

"There. But only this once, get it?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Very good. Now, go with One's blessing, back to the world of the living. And please try not to get thyselves into trouble.

"My Lordssss... Why didssss you lie? You knew they weren't marriedssss, and yetssss..."

...

"..."

"AHAHAHAHA!"

"...Lordsssshipsss?"

That... was the most fun One has had in a very, very long time, Nehebkau. Mortals... Ah, so silly. Did thou see the little one?

"Youssss were... ssssimply playingssss with them?"

Oh, yes. One almost hopes that they shall come back to One, someday...

"What goessss around comessss around, my Lordssshipsss."

Indeed, Nehebkau. Indeed.

Notes:

1. Nehebkau is a two headed snake god who guards the entrance to the Underworld (though it does depend on the dynasty, he's also a warrior of Ra and an annoyance for Atum). He's the son of Serket, a scorpion goddess – and if you know your Battle City, you'll know that it was the card 'Mystical Beast Serket' that Rishid used to kick Jounouchi's butt to kingdom come.

UAB

Fun, utterly useless fact: If it weren't for the 'no songfic' rule, this would totally have the line "Shawty is an eenie meenie miney mo–lover" in it. It would then turn into a bizarre parody/staging of some One Direction or Justin Beiber song – come on, you'd have Kajiki/Esper, Ryuuzaki/Haga, and then Keith standing off to one side bawling some of the worst lyrics ever invented. Poor Thoth wouldn't know what had hit him.

Oh yeaaaah, and then you'd get the line "Five gay men on a straight road. Which way do they walk?" "...One Direction."

Yah, it'd sure be one hell of a crack fic...