Disclaimer: I do not own Lost, nor do I own 'Charlie the Unicorn'.
Udderland – The Happiest Place on Earth!
Chapter 1
The Losties were bored. No, they were more than bored. They were dying…of boredom. Right now, all of them were sitting in a circle on the sand near the waves, sulking. A distant flock of seagulls could be heard, as no one was saying anything.
After about 5 minutes of staring at each other, and at the sand, Charlie broke the silence.
He sighed. "Guys, I'm bored." This remark was met with groans of 'yeah-we-know-shut-the-hell-up-I'm-trying-to-draw-on-the-sand-here-and-hone-my-artistic-abilities'.
"Hey, Chuckie, shut the hell up! I'm trying to draw on the sand here and hone my artistic abilities" Sawyer angrily stated from across the circle, while everyone nodded their approval; they too had been thinking the exact same thing.
Charlie just frowned and glanced at Claire to his right, who simply shrugged nonchalantly.
"Well, I really am bored –" Charlie was met with multitudes of frowns, but he ignored them "and the bloody hell I'm gonna go do something 'bout it! You lot can just stay here and sulk all you want until you rot and die a gruesome death, but I take it upon myself to actually do something to solve this, this…disorder!"
"This order?" Shannon asked quizzically.
"Order of the Phoenix? Hehe…I saw that movie in my dream last night" Eko chuckled.
Charlie just stared at Shannon and Eko, scowled, then left. Desmond hastily got up after him, pulling Hurley with him. He had an idea. Shannon frowned, looked around the circle at all the frowning faces, and then frowned even more.
'Damn' she thought. 'Frowning increases chances of wrinkles by a lot! I gotta do something, or we'll all look like ole geezers by the time the hatch is opened.'
"The hatch has already been opened, Shan…" Boone whispered from her left.
'Damn' she thought. 'Idiot brother can hear my thoughts!'
"No, you're saying them out loud"
"Damn!" She looked around and then at Charlie's receding figure. "Well, I sure think we need some cheering up around here, don't you?" She glanced at Sayid, to her right. He sighed and nodded.
"Okay, then, well I have a joke for you" Shannon smiled at him, and was met with a bunch of groans from some who overheard. Sayid, Boone, Claire, Sun, Paolo, Nikki and Kate looked up at her expectantly, though.
"What does a mermaid who loves math wear?" She snickered.
Silence.
"…what?" Nikki asked.
"An alge-bra!"
Sayid grinned and let out a low chuckle, but everyone else was silent.
"Get it, get it? Alge-bra? Like, algae-bra? Algae…that green thing in the water…and bra…"
Silence.
"You guys are sooo stupid!" Shannon claimed and smacked her forehead.
Boone and Paolo suddenly cracked up, finally getting it. "I GETS I GETS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAALOLOLOLZZZROFLMAO!!!1one!!!shift+1!! Omgzz lyk lulzzz!" They were teary-eyed with laughter and held onto each other's shoulders for support.
Kate was grinning and nudging a smiling Sawyer, Claire snickered as Sun covered her mouth in laughter and quickly explained to Jin, whose eyebrow shot up. Jack looked warily at Shannon, who grinned, and eventually smiled himself. Shannon turned everyone's frown, upside down!
Jack eyed a stick near Michael, and asked the group:
"So, what's brown and sticky?" He smiled.
"Poop?" Aaron gurgled.
Jack just glanced at him. "Nope"
"YO FACE?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHA" Sawyer slapped his thigh in laughter. Everyone stared.
"Uhh, no…" Jack felt his face, then looked down at his hands, half-expecting residue of something brown and sticky.
"What?" Claire asked.
"…a stick"
Silence.
"I think Sawyer's answer was funnier" Boone chipped in, and was greeted with mumbles of agreement. Jack looked hurt and looked almost to tears. Kate patted his back and he smiled.
Michael picked up the stick that Jack had been eyeing. An idea formed in his head, and he beamed.
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?" everyone chimed together.
"You know"
"You know who?"
"AHA!" He pointed his stick at Ana, who happened to be right across from him. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
A shining blue light escaped his 'stick' and shot right through Ana's chest. Her eyes widened, she fell on her back, and died. Everyone turned to Michael.
"Dang…"
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Meanwhile, on the other side of the beach, Charlie had peacefully dozed off spread-eagled under a palm tree overlooking the ocean. A series of snores were being emitted from his mouth.
"Heyyy, Chahleeee, hey Chahleeee, wake uuuup!" Desmond sang.
"Yeahhh Charlieeee, you silly sleepyhead, wake uuuup!" Hurley joined him.
Charlie sighed and rolled over on his back, eyes still closed. "Gosh, guys! This better be sodding important! Is Claire on fire or something?"
"Nooo Chahleee, we're going to candy mount-nnn!"
"To candy mount-nnn Charliee!!"
"Yeahhh, Chahleee, to candy mount-nnn! Come with us Chahleee!"
"Yeah, Charrrlieee, it'll be an adventuuuure!"
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Back on the other side…
Sayid was scooping up heaps of sand onto Ana's deceased body. They didn't bother to dig a hole – they'll do that later.
Jack sighed. "Well, I guess this ends the joking portion of our day…" Everyone frowned and sighed. How they wished they could do something more exciting…
Suddenly, Mikhail appeared paddling up from under water on his submarine raft, landing on the Losties beach.
"GASP!!" everyone gasped and screamed upon seeing him. They immediately grabbed onto their nearest weapons and backed up. Mikhail raised his arms up defensively as a golden stiletto hit his face. Everyone turned to Shannon, her other shoe poised in her hand.
Locke stepped forward. "What do you want, Mick-ha-eel?"
"I've come in peace!"
"Soon to be pieces…" Sawyer grumbled.
Mikhail ignored this comment and went back to the Losties. "We have been recently working on this project that has been ongoing for quite a few years now. It is a mechanism similar to what you may know as "Disneyland", hence the name we gave it, but it is much, much better and is better suited for our intentions. I'm ultimately sorry for all the terror we've caused you people, but in fact you were all brought here for a simple reason – as our very first test subjects to this soon-to-be world's best amusement park! You have been carefully selected for this purpose, and mind you, you are very, very lucky. Now, it opens tomorrow night, and I expect you all to be there, pronto!" He smiled at their dumbfounded faces.
Walt threw his hands up in the air "An amusement park! Awright! C'mon, dad, let's go! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-"
He was cut off by Sawyer.
"Hold on a second, Patchy, just how do we know you're telling the truth?"
"See for yourself" Mikhail clapped his hands, and they all turned to a well-lit pathway behind them, eerily resembling a yellow brick road, but more techno and hip! A sign popped out from the ground that said, in bright neon "Dis weigh 2 Udderland!" and pointed in towards the forest.
Kate turned back to Mikhail to inquire about something, but he was gone.
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And that ends chapter one! I hope you all like it. I'll gladly accept ideas and suggestions, as I honestly have no idea where this story's going.