"Ave Maria, gratia plena,
Dominus tecum, Virgo serena.
Ave cuius conceptio,
solemni plena gaudio,
celestia, terrestria,
nova replet letitia.
Ave cuius nativitas,
nostra fuit solemnitas,
ut lucifer lux oriens
verum solem preveniens.
Ave pia humilitas,
sine viro fecunditas,
cuius annunciatio
nostra fuit salvatio.
Ave vera virginitas,
immaculata castitas,
cuius purificatio
nostra fuit purgatio.
Ave preclara omnibus
angelicis virtutibus,
cuius fuit assumptio
nostra glorificatio.
O Mater Dei, memento mei." Electric said. His hands shaking as he loaded the 9mm. He was here doing it. This was where the bastard lived. Where he ate. Where he bathed and put his little obnoxious kids to bed. It was time.
That first day had been what started it. 'Tric had awoken to a message on his Sidekick (it was a cheaper alternative to the coverage on say an iPhone. He was after all, a mercenary.)
"We got word they opening up a McDonalds Downtown. I know you don't normally take jobs like this, but this is a flagship. - Your BurgerBro" the message read.
It was true he didn't do this commercial contracting anymore, not after he was forced to shoot his way out of a Wendys for refilling his glass with iced yoghurt...They, it turned out, were not part of the 'free refills' policy. He knew flagship restaurants were big business though, and they would have every PCC (Private Critic Contractor) hammering down their door. He had to go.
He pulled on a white wifebeater and some crumpled-up dress trousers, and took a shot of Pepsi that was on the dresser. He swayed unsteadily before he regained his balance, put on his combat boots and left for Downtown. Downtown was a wasteland, he saw the Applebee's Death Crew shooting some craps against a dumpster full of discarded salad. It smelt like death (but that could have been the rats that inhabited every kitchen of every Applebees in the tri-state area). He knew the ADC all by name and so walked over to see if they were staying out of trouble.
"N'aww I know you boys ain' ben figh'ing dose dere, KFC[rips] over there on 4th Avenue and Fillmore." He said suspiciously.
"Aw, come on, 'Tric. They always start it! Talking about Applebees is gay and racist." the leader 12oz P0rterhaus replied all animated.
"No good can come from you beefing with other kids from different restaurants" 'Tric preached "I got outta that life and I'm never fighting over a restaurant again."
"I know your story. We all do" another kid replied.
"I'll work for and with anyone now." 'Tric said
They said their goodbyes and 'Tric walked on towards his destination.
Tric arrived at the McDonalds at dawn but the California sun was still beating down. The bottle of Pepsi he had bought at the liqour store wasn't helping in the heat. He threw it against the staff entrance and the plastic bottle shattered into a thousand pieces. He lit a cigar as he watched the brown liquid run down into the gutter.
When he entered the place the launch party was already in full-swing. The DJ was playing Lifehouse. Electric don't like no Lifehouse.
"Wuss Rock..." he said under his breath.
Then he saw him in the VIP section. Girls on either side of him.
The Hamburglar.
'Tric hadn't seen him for nearly a decade when he had been on a contract to neutralise Grimace at his Spanish Villa. They had threaded a bedsheet through his blasted out torso and hung him out the window as a warning. They were animals back then. This job was the reason why Critics now had to inform the local precinct before carrying out a job.
Hamburglar looked over, and immediately smiled. It was a smile that meant 'Tric was in trouble but he just didn't know it yet. 'Tric did know it though. Luckily, there were also lots of friendly faces in the crowd, he was safe.
Or so he thought.
'Tric woke up the next morning. He had taken a young girl dressed as Ronald McDonald home last night. He didn't know her name. He had asked, but she had replied "Ronnie. Ronnie McDonald."
'Tric had nothing more to say to this girl, He let Veronica sleep off her 30 Big Mac shots. He went outside to check his mail. There was a letter with the yellow arches on it.
"What could this be?" remarkd 'Tric opening it immediately.
He stopped dead, and did a double-take Mayor McCheese had suspended his Critic License.
'Tric mostly stayed in the next week drinking all of the Pepsi he could get his hands on. Ronnie came round a few times to check-up on him and bring him chinese food. He didn't have the heart to tell her it was strictly burgers. Without the garish outfit on though, she looked very attractive, despite being no more than 18. She had freckles just like the clown but her hair was straight and bleached blonde. She wore thick framed glasses way beyond her years.
"Take off that Life house t-shirt" 'Tric said ripping the paper off a straw to do some coke.
"I know, I know...You hate Lifehouse, blah blah-" she was interrupted.
"That's not want I meant..." said 'Tric stoney-faced "..Take off the shirt and get in bed."
She had changed 'Tric, given him hope. He was almost ready to seek revenge against the Hamburglar who he knew was behind this all. He had been training the ADC for almost 3 months, and now they were not simply a rag-tag band of street-toughs they were proper mercenaries. They had to be ready. They would take down the flagship resturant, while 'Tric made a housecall to Mr Hambuglar. He felt bad for taking the easy job, and leaving them to fight through hordes of McDonalds thugs. This was personal though.
He arrived at Hamburglars mansion on the outskirts of the city. It had a high-tech security system and a low-tech one (attack dogs). 'Tric would deal with the latter first. He had saved a burger from a 1/10 experience at a local diner. He tossed it into the garden, and with one bite all 4 of the Dobermans ceased existing. He manoeuvred himself through the laser beams and into the garage.
He entered the house through a connecting door in the garage. The place was deathly silent. He could hear his boots tapping against the marble flooring and the open space made him feel chilly. He creeped up to a tray of beverages on a chest-of-drawers in the hall. He poured himself a large Coke.
He spat it across the room.
"This is cola!" thought "This is cola flavouring mixed with carbonated water!"
This place was beginning to freak him out.
He pressed on through the house, his hand pressed firmly against the 12 gauge hung on a strap around his neck. He heard voices in the neck room and pulled on his Michael Winner mask.
He burst into the room.
The Hamburglar tried to leap off his bed and grab his pistol but 'Tric fired once splintering the bed side table into wooden stakes and throwing a plastic lamp through the air.
"You gonna die now, Whiteboy!" 'Tric snarled through the mask.
"Please!" pleaded The Hamburglar "It wasn't me. I swear...But I know who did it!"
"You better start making sense or confess!" snapped 'Tric losing his patience with the stripey coward.
"Ok, ok!" said The Hamburglar getting up from his knees "It was Strum and his Nandemz."
Strum was the legendary Strummerette. He had started the Nandos affiliated gang from scratch and when no one had wanted to join had taken over one chicken eating borough at a time throughout the world, until he had a global empire.
"He has Veronica." said The Hambuglar looking at the floor.
Truth is he had tried to stop the Nandemz taking Ronnie on 'Trics behalf but Strum's all female gang had been too sexy to stop. Hamburglar had to re-evaluate his entire life when setting eyes on one Columbian lady who had a face you could happily bounce your balls off, and an ass you could do the same with a quarter.
'Tric left the mansion in a daze. He had let Ham live, but now he had to fight to let the only person he cared about do the same! He called 12oz P0rterhaus but there was no answer. He tried for two hours all through the bus journey to the Northside of town to Strums solid gold hideout. He cursed himself for dragging those kids into all this. Especially now it transpired that it wasn't McDonald's doing.
He stepped off the bus and felt it pull away behind him.
"Got any macho peas, man?!" quivered an aging woman dressed in a garbage bag "I'll suck yo' dick for some peas!"
'Tric just kept looking at the skyline and that gold block of pure awesome that jutted up over the housing project. He handed the woman a fist full of change.
"Arrrrr lordy, thank ya, sir!" she said scurrying off into the maze of apartment blocks.
'Tric headed towards that structure and after what felt like an eternity he arrived, counting no less than 11 Nandos resturants on the way.
…..angelicis virtutibus,
cuius fuit assumptio
nostra glorificatio.
O Mater Dei, memento mei." Electric said. His hands shaking as he loaded the 9mm. He was here doing it. This was where the bastard lived. Where he ate. Where he bathed and put his little obnoxious kids to bed. It was time.