Something tugs tightly on his sore, raw throat and he finds himself doing something very unlike him-a spring of tears well up at his eyes and he rubs them away with a grunt to himself. It's a sort of bitter sadness that takes hold of him and even with her careful hands clasped tightly to his arm he is unable to draw this pain back out. It's like he's choking and she can see it and simply grips his arm tighter. He does not notice very much and the drops of water drip down. She's taken aback by the out of character outlet of emotion-compared to smashing things, however, it's preferable, but simply rubs his back for him, saying nothing.
It's not the way he looks at him when he apologizes to his brother-it's how the words come out of his mouth like a spilling brook and how those words are not something which has ever been uttered in such a broken tone. It's the contrast between this look on his pallid, graying face and grin he gives the Midgardian girl his brother found so close to his heart. It had been the first time in a very long time since he had seen his brother smile and seen the light back in his eyes in a benevolent way comparatively-and the raven-haired man even gave him a smile or two, a sincere one even. It may not have been completely, but there was a hint of the trickster behind those glinting eyes and he knew them very well. It's the fact that he had to close his brother's eyes on his own and the fact that he is gone. For good.
It isn't some magic trick on his part, and as much as he would like to believe it very well could be he cannot. He simply can't give himself the hope he knows cannot be true; having Jane be fine and alive and well because of his brother is something precious in and of itself and he's thankful for it. Loki died for him and he knows it and appreciates it more than any act of cruelty the man had put him through. They were indeed brothers to the end and Thor thinks on that frequently.
He dreams of him, once. It is a dark dream, one of the moment of his death yet again and he is the one to die instead and when he wakes up he wishes that were indeed how it went; though he knows how bad a fate that could bode for the rest of the kingdom. They balance each other out; he has Jane for that now. That doesn't change that he sometimes happens upon things which remind him of both Loki and Frigga and it almost brings him to tears again. Instead of the tears he wills himself to keep them within and relaxes his weary form.
He wishes that these thoughts would just leave him already as they grow to be tiresome. He would like nothing more than to move on but he simply cannot and he is still afflicted by the pain which came along with that day, those days where it all went wrong. His father is of no help and simply gives him stern comments over nothing in particular, seeing as he is the All-father there is not much him to discuss with a son who has given up the throne in exchange for self-betterment. He snaps at him and simply gets himself chastised with no mother to vouch for him. She dulled so much of his cruelty and it has become quite obvious now that she is not there. His main message is simply to move on and avoid this thought any longer, to avoid thinking of the dead so often, and that makes him absolutely furious. His fury is taken out on a pair of unfortunate training dummies and he feels if only slightly, better. That doesn't change that the pain is still ever present and he fears it will always be there.
He visits Jane often and she is a comfort enough; the way she smells and her hair and her eyes make his own eyes light up. He looks at her the way one would look at a wife of many years and it is something she can't help but blush at. She hides it well, though, stubborn as she is, and their visits are generally too brief for either's real satisfaction, though there are ones of surprising length-and that allows them time to do as they please, as people and even gods are want to do.
It's nearly three months before anyone finds out his true status, and Thor is the first to know out of any others. He curses himself for being too naive to even let himself think those thoughts and as such, takes responsibility.