The Fault in our Stars - Spin Off
Disclaimer – All characters are owned by John Green, I don't own anything.
This story starts before Hazel and Augustus go to Amsterdam, when she has the fluid-in-her-lungs scare.
Hazels POV:
I awoke in a cold uncomfortable bed, surrounded by my parents, my cancer doctor Maria, Augustus, and a patterned curtain that told me I was in the ICU. An irritating beeping sound buzzed through our cubicle, reminding me that I was still alive – painfully, achingly alive. My mother was trying to blink away tears, forever trying to hide me from the obvious pain ripping through her. She was doing better than Dad, who was just shaking. Augustus was smiling at me, that kind of even-though-I'm-smiling-I'm-genuinely-unhappy smile. My Cancer Doctor Maria looked faintly upset, dark rings under her eyes screaming of exhaustion and sleepless nights.
'What's up, guys?' I rasped, the pain of speaking and breathing at the same time tearing through my deoxygenated lungs. Dad broke into full on sobbing at the sound of my voice, and Mum visibly flinched.
'You have a sizeable amount of fluid in your lungs. We were able to get a little bit out but...' Dr Maria explained, gesturing to the bag of amber liquid hanging on a drip next to my bed. I stared at it, gazing straight into it's clear brown depths. You were inside me, I thought. You tried to kill me.
'But what?' I asked, immediately regretting it. I knew what was coming. I had known I was going to die since I was diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. I knew it when I had to stop going to school, I knew it when I was forced to go to Support Group, and I most certainly knew it now.
'The Phalanxifor has become redundant.. Your cancer has caught up with you, Hazel.' Dr Maria's words hung in the air. I felt bad for her, I really did. Dealing with me, and probably hundreds of other cancer kids every day, seeing kids drop like flies wherever she went. That couldn't be easy. I had never seen her with any family of her own, no kids, parents, husband, boyfriends. Then again, I wouldn't want any kids for fear of them being snapped up like I was being snapped up right now, tangled in pain and cancer and endless hospital appointments, stuck in a maze where the only way out was death.
'How long?' I choked out.
'A few hours, at the most.'
'Thanks, Maria. For everything.' I knew that there were so many words that I should have said. I should have thanked her for all the time she poured into me, all the effort and ideas that were wasted on a pointless struggle for just a few more months, a little bit more time to do absolutely nothing but what I had done for the past three years.
Maria nodded and walked away, probably to give me some alone time with my parents and Augustus. Augustus still had that sad smile on his face, jaw tensed, back slumped, eyes full of tears and misery. I squeezed his hand and he stood up, bones cracking.
'I'll give you guys some time, I'll be back in a few minutes to say, um, to you know, farewell and whatever.' I could see how much the words pained him and the ache in my chest intensified, but whether that was due to Augustus saying the word 'farewell' or all of the beer coloured fluid swimming in my lungs, I didn't know.
Mum scooted into Augustus's place as soon as he disappeared behind the badly dyed cotton curtain, squeezing my hand in a death grip. I winced and she somewhat loosened her hold, still causing me pain. I let it slide, considering that I was going to be dead very very soon, and whether my mother squeezed my hand very hard or still hard but not very hard would be something that wouldn't affect me ever again.
'I love you so much baby. You're one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I'm so so sorry that this happened to you. Terrible things always happen to good people. It won't hurt, it'll just be like going to sleep, okay?' She was obviously trying to reassure me, but it looked like she was the one who felt worse about this whole ordeal. I smiled and nodded anyway.
My dad came over, still wracked with sobs, and very nearly collapsed on my death bed. It was a shame, I thought, that I was going to die in such a very ugly bed, with such a very cheerful curtain shielding me from the rest of the world.
'I love you Hazel, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.' Dad kept murmuring that he loved me, which made me a little bit upset. I mean, don't get me wrong - the fact that I was dying was super depressing, but like I said before, it wasn't a massive surprise, and life would carry on without me.
'It's okay guys, really. I'm so very tired of being a burden to you - don't deny it - and I'm just tired. Promise me you guys won't mourn my life forever. Live yours - I've held you back long enough.' I smiled weakly at them, gasping for breath after speaking for so much. Mum squeezed my hand like there was no tomorrow - which I supposed, was true for me. I was never going to leave my hospital bed alive.
Augustus chose this moment to stumble back in nearly collapsing next to my bed. Tears dripped down his cheeks and off his chin like rainwater pouring out of a leaky gutter. Mum and Dad stood up and wiped their faces.
'We're gonna go get some coffee.. We'll be back before, um, before it uh, happens.' Mum muttered to me in a strangled voice. Funny, I thought, that her voice was all strangled, considering it was me dying from fluid in my lungs and deoxygenation. I nodded feebly at her and grasped for Augustus' hand.
'Hazel Grace.'
'Augustus Waters.' I replied. His tears were dripping onto my hand, and I had the overwhelming urge to wipe them off, but I didn't, due to the fact that that could be seen as insensitive and bad manners, and I also just didn't want to hurt Augustus's feelings.
'Hazel Grace. I want to tell you something.. You know how I was sick last year? And that's how I got my leg cut off and whatnot?' I nodded, remembering how Augustus had told me about his osteosarcoma, disliking where this story was going. 'So I had a doctors appointment, just a checkup. They gave me an MRI and it's back. It's everywhere. My hip, my liver, the lining of my chest - it's everywhere. I'm so sorry Hazel.' By the end of his speech I was crying as much as he was. I knew it was stupid, I was going to die in a few hours and his death wouldn't affect me in the slightest, but it hurt - it hurt a lot. Augustus was such an amazing person, kind, caring, and now he was going to die exactly how I did. It just wasn't fair. Through my tears, I eyed the tube connecting me to Philip, my heavy duty oxygen tank.
'Augustus,' I sobbed. 'Augustus, I need you to do something for me. I need you to take a pair of scissors, and I need you to cut that tube. No, don't say no,' I begged him as he started to shake, realising what I wanted him to do. 'I want to die on my terms, I want to die because I feel like I'm ready. Not because the cancer finally won, not surrounded by people who feel sorry for me. I don't want Mum and Dad and Dr Maria to be watching me die. Don't you get it, Augustus? We're all just side effects, like Anna said in An Imperial Affliction. I don't want to be Hazel, the girl who died of cancer. I want to be Hazel Grace, the girl who put up with cancer for three years and then at the last minute, took her life before cancer could. Please, Augustus. Please.' I was left gasping for breath after my speech. Augustus shook his head slowly.
'No, Hazel. I'm sorry, no. Don't you get it? Even if you cut the tube, you will suffocate because of the cancer. It will still kill you, just sooner than expected. Cutting the tube, not cutting the tube - you're still going to die. I'm going to die. We're all dying. Every second, we die a little bit more. So the answer is no.' His voice broke on the last word, and I nodded, realising that it had been very selfish to ask him to try and euthanize me. I squeezed his hand with some of the last ounces of strength I had.
'Can you do something else please?' I asked.
'Depends - are you going to try and force me to murder you?' Augustus joked, smiling a little bit. I shook my head.
'Can you press the button for sleep meds? Before the Phalanxifor, last time, when I almost died - it sucked. Seriously, I was drowning, and I can't do that again. I want to die in my sleep,' I finished explaining my wish to Augustus, and he slowly nodded.
'Okay. I'll do it, on one condition. You'll let me write your eulogy.' I was nodding before he even finished talking.
'Of course, Augustus. I wouldn't want it any other way.' He reached over and hesitated for a moment before pressing the red button that sent a dose of sleeping meds through my IV and into my bloodstream. Augustus then scooted onto my bed, wrapping an arm carefully around me as the meds began to kick in. For the final time, my eyelids became droopy and my eyes shut. I snuggled into Augustus's warm, cancer riddled chest and he gently kissed my hair and murmured, 'I love you, Hazel Grace,' into my scalp.
'I love you too, Augustus. I'll see you soon,' I mumbled as I slipped away into what Augustus feared most - oblivion.