WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CHOOSE ME TO DIRECT TWILIGHT!
ME (DIRECTOR):OK, PEEPS, TODAY WE SHALL SHOOT PART OF TWILIGHT! WOOHOO!
EVERYONE ELSE: YAY.
BELLA: YAY!
ME:NOW WE WILL DO THE SCENE WHERE WE GO TO LA PUSH AND BELLA MEETS JACOB. ROGER?
EVERYONE ELSE: YEA, YEA, WHATEVER.
BELLA: ROGER!
[WE ALL DRIVE TO LA PUSH]
ME: BELLA, STAND HERE. JACOB, GO THERE. ALL BELLA'S "FRIENDS", GO OVER THERE. EDWARD, FETCH ME A DONUT.
BELLA: RIGHT!
JACOB: NEXT TO THAT HOT DOG STAND?
BELLA'S FRIENDS: OK.
EDWARD: (GRUMBLES) [SHOOTS A MURDEROUS LOOK AT GUESS WHO?]
ME: HOW DID A HOT DOG STAND GET HERE? SOMEONE, GET THAT THING AWAY, AND GET ME THREE HOT DOGS, PLEASE!
RANDOM CREW DUDE: ...OK...
[AFTER THE HOT DOG STAND LEAVES...SORTA]
ME: AND...ACTION!
[JACOB WALKS OVER TO BELLA]: WANT TO WALK RANDOMLY WITH ME?
BELLA: SURE!
[WALK AIMLESSLY FOR A WHILE]
JACOB: EVER HEARD OF A STORY ABOUT VAMPIRES?
BELLA: NO, BUT I'VE HEARD OF A STORY ABOUT MERMAIDS!
JACOB:...GREAT. WELL, THERE'S THIS STORY, AND IT HAPPENED HERE.
BELLA: I WANT A HOT DOG TOO!
JACOB [HISSING]: BELLA!
BELLA: WHAT? I'M HUNGRY. I WAS FORCED TO GO ON A DIET FOR THIS MOVIE!
ME: CUT! AND YOU DON'T GET A HOT DOG UNTIL THIS SCENE IS SHOT RIGHT.
EDWARD: HERE'S YOUR DONUT.
ME: AH, THANK YOU! MY TUMMY WAS SO HUNGRY.
EDWARD: BUT YOU HAD 4 SANDWICHES, 8 SAUSAGES, 3 PANCAKES, AND 3 HOT DOGS!
ME: WELL, I HAVE A BIG STUMMY!
EDWARD: STUMMY?
ME: INSIDE JOKE. NOW GO AND GET IN THERE!
EDWARD: I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS SCENE!
ME:...ALL RIGHT, ACTION!
[WHERE THEY LEFT OFF(RIGHT BEFORE SHE WANTED A HOT DOG)]
BELLA: WHAT WAS THIS STORY ABOUT.
JACOB:[SAYS THE STORY]
BELLA: THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
JACOB: I'M NOT SURE EITHER. BUT IT WOULD BE SCARY IF IT WERE TRUE, RIGHT?
BELLA(YAWNING):SURE.
ME:CUT! BELLA, WHERE'S THE EMOTION? YOU'RE JUST LIKE: SURE. WOW. AMAZING. AN ALIEN ABDUCTED MY GRANDMA? OH. WHAT'S WITH YOU? WHO HIRED YOU TO BE IN THIS MOVIE?
BELLA'S FRIENDS: YOU DID, RIGHT?
ME:...OH. WELL, I WISH I COULD FIRE YOU, BUT I CAN'T FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS. SO IF YOU DON'T ACT MORE/BETTER, THEN I'M GONNA ONLY GIVE YOU HEALTHY FOOD FOR 5 DAYS!
EVERYONE:GASP!(NO *'S. THAT WOULD BE *GASP*. GOT IT? GOOD.)
[BELLA PERFORMS MUCH BETTER]
ME: GOOD, GOOD. IN FACT, I MAY-
[HUGE CRASH IS HEARD COMING FROM BEHIND ME]
JAMES: WHAT WAS THAT?
JACOB: WHAT DID THAT?
BELLA: I THINK I HEARD SOMETHING!
EDWARD: ...
VICTORIA: WHO FARTED?
CAMERA MAN:...SORRY, BUT THE WIND KINDA BLEW THE TAPE INTO THE WAVES.
ALICE: IS THAT POSSIBLE?
ME:...I GIVE UP.
BELLA:NO! YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE STUPID ENOUGH TO TAKE THIS JOB!
ME:...HMM. IF YOU LET ME EAT ALL THE FOOD I WANT FOR FREE, I'LL STAY.
JACOB:OK!
EDWARD: WE'RE GONNA BE BROKE.
JASPER: I THOUGHT WE ALREADY WERE!
EDWARD:...GOOD POINT.
ME: AND...NOW WE'LL SKIP TO A DIFFERENT SCENE!
EVERYONE ELSE: WHAT? WHY?
ME(WITH EVIL GLINT IN EYE): BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT!
[COMPLETE SILENCE FOR 9 ALOKBINS]
EVERYONE ELSE: ...FINE...
BELLA: THIS SCENE WAS BORING ANYWAYS!(Jacob: hey!)
ME: WELL THEN, MOVING ON! AND EDWARD, PLEASE FETCH ME 70 ALKOBINS OF DONUTS!
EDWARD: I NO LONGER QUESTION YOUR SANITY.
ME: GOOD. NOW LET'S MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT! OH, AND SOMEONE CARRY ME THERE. I DON'T FEEL LIKE WALKING.
JASPER:...SO YOU'RE LAZY AS WELL AS HAVING A BINGE EATING DISORDER.
ME: NOT A BINGE EATING DISORDER! I NEED TO EAT CONSTANTLY. OH, AND CAN YOU CARRY MY CHAIR WITH ME ON IT? IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD, YOU BEING A VAMPIRE AND ALL.
JASPER:...I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE.
[STRUGGLES TO LIFT CHAIR]
JASPER: HUFF! PUFF! [GASPS FOR AIR]
ME: COME ON! I HAVE A MOVIE TO SHOOT!
[AFTER 15 HOURS AND 78 MINUTES OF TORTURE, PAIN, STRUGGLE, AND PAIN FOR JASPER]
ME: WE'RE FINALLY HERE!
JASPER:[COLLAPSES]
ALICE: JASPER! NOOOO!
ME:..VAMPIRES CAN'T DIE, RIGHT?
ALICE: UNLESS A VAMPIRE RIPS HIM LIMB FROM LIMB AND THEN BURNS THE PIECES...THIS IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE...UNLESS...YOU BROKE THE LAW OF VAMPIRE NATURE!
ME: I DOUBT HE DIED. MAYBE HE NEEDS TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A WHILE, THOUGH. CARLISLE, COULD YOU...?
CARLISLE:..WHY THE *BEEPIN* *BEEP* *BEEP* WOULD I NOT HELP MY OWN SON?
ME: WELL I GIVE PERMISSION TO LET HIM TO THE SCENE! NOW THIS ONE IS WHEN EDDIE STRIPS(SORTA) AND SHOWS BELLA THAT SHE-I MEAN,HE-[EDWARD GROWLS]SPARKLES LIKE DIAMONDS. SO EDWARD, GET YOUR BODY GLITTER AND LET'S START THIS CREEPY SCENE!
EDWARD: I REALLY HATE YOU.
ME: BITE ME.
EDWARD: WHAT? AND THEN HAVE YOU LIVE FOREVER, NAGGING ME? THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU IN AGONIZING PAIN...
ME: YOU WOULDN'T DARE! NOW HURRY!
[AFTER 3 HOURS OF BODY GLITTER, GLARES, AND BINGE EATING]
ME: ACTION BABY!
EDWARD: BELLA...
BELLA: YES, HOT STUFF?
EDWARD:...I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING...(I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS, NO SIREE)
BELLA(WITH GROWING EXCITMENT): YES?
EDWARD: CLOSE YOUR EYES.
BELLA: TEEHEEHEE!
EDWARD[WITH DEEP REGRET AND SHAME]:[UNBUTTONS HIS SHIRT]...BELLA, OPEN YOU'RE EYES.
BELLA: NO KISS?
BELLA:[OPENS EYES]...
EDWARD: WELL...?
BELLA:...
EDWARD:...
BELLA[WITH MUCH THEATRICS]:...O...M...G...I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE! I'M BLIND! FOREVER I WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF...ANYTHING!
ME: CUTCUTCUT! WHAT? WHAT? BELLA? ARE YOU BLIND?
BELLA: ..NO. I THOUGHT I WAS THOUGH.
EVERYONE EXCEPT ME: [FACEPALMS]
EDWARD: THAT WAS SUPRISINGLY ENTERTAINING.
ME: WELL, IT WAS. CONTINUE, AND PAINT SOME FAKE EYES OVER BELLA'S REAL ONES.
CARTOON ARTIST: YES MA'AM!
[AFTER EYES ARE PAINTED ON]
BELLA: [GASP] YOU SPARKLE!
EDWARD:...LIKE DIAMONDS(APPARENTLY)...
BELLA: THAT'S AWESOME!
EDWARD: BUT DON'T YOU SEE? I'M A FREAK BECAUSE OF THIS.
BELLA: BECAUSE YOU SPARKLE?
EDWARD: YES-WHAT? NO! BECAUSE I'M A VAMPIRE! I NEVER WANTED TO BE ONE. I MEAN, WHO WANTS SUPERHUMAN POWERS, A HUNK BODY, AND TO LIVE FOREVER?
BELLA:
EDWARD: LIKE,...[CONTINUES RAMBLING ABOUT HOW BAD BEING A VAMPIRE IS]
BELLA: EDDIE?
EDWARD: DON'T CALL ME THAT!
ME[DISCREETLY]: AHEM...
EDWARD:...YES, SWEETIE?
BELLA: SQUEE! [FAINTS]
ME: AND...CUT!
EDWARD: WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
BELLA: [STANDING UP AND LOOKING AT SCRIPT]HUH? I WAS ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? THAT'S...AWESOME!
ME: WELL, THAT WAS NICE, VERY ACCIDENTALLY NICE! CONTINUE ACCIDENTALLY DOING GOOD AND I'LL LET U GORGE LIKE ME TONIGHT!
BELLA: KYESSSSSSSSSS!
[BELLA AND ED CONTINUE FLAWLESSLY]
ME: AWESOMENESS...THAT WAS AS PREDICTABLE AS A LONELY CACTUS BEING EATEN BY A TYPHOON OF CRICKET-MONKEYS!...OK, NOW WE SHALL HAVE A BREAK. YOU PEEPS TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES.
PEEPS: SQUABBLE SQUEAK YACKITY YACK!
ME: K, BREAK OVERRR!
PEEPS: WHAAAT?
ME: COME ON, COME ON! WE GOT A FILM TO SHOOT, HERE! I DON'T PAY YOU TO GOOF AROUND!
PEEPS: YOU DON'T PAY US!
ME: WELL, EXCUUUSE YOU FOR GETTIN' ALL JUDGEMENTAL!
ALICE:..WEREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT BROUGHT UP OUR SALARIES(WHICH ARE NONEXISTENT, BTW) IN THE FIRST PLACE?
ME:...NO?
PEEPS: SNICKER SNICKER
ME: STUPID, STUPID LOGIC! HOW I HATETH THEE!
EDWARD: NOW YOU'RE PRETENDING YOU KNOW SHAKESPEARIAN?
ME: NOW YOU'RE PRETENDING THAT WAS ACTUALLY A WORD?
EDWARD: IT IS A WORD!
ME: MAYBE SO, BUT YOU SPELLED IT WRONG!
EDWARD:...I GIVE UP.
ME: GOOD. NOW HUUUURRYY UP, PEEPS! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!
PEEPS: GROAN
ME: IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, THERE'S ONLY ONE MORE SCENE UNTIL LUNCH BREAK!
BELLA: BUT IT'S TIME FOR DINNER!
ME: WELL, I ATE ALL THE FOOD FOR DINNER, SO WE'RE HAVING LUNCH AGAIN! [TURNING TOWARDS EDWARD] I BLAME YOU!
EDWARD: ME? WHAT DID I DO?
ME: YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON I SAW! THEREFORE, YOU MUST HAVE EATEN ALL THE DINNER! SEE? MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! GLIGLOBAABA!
EDWARD: EVERYONE, I THINK SHE HAS FINALLY LOST THE ABILITY TO SPEAK ENGLISH. TOOK LONG ENOUGH, TOO.
ME: ŠF‚³‚ñ A s‚±‚¤ I–} Ë!
EVERYONE ELSE: ?
ME: ŠF‚³‚ñ A s‚±‚¤ I–} Ë!
MR. KRABS: I THINK THAT'S JAPANESE!
BELLA: MR. KRABS? OOOH..[FAINT]
JASPER: CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
MR. KRABS[DISAPPEARS IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE]: NOT UNLESS YOU'RE WILLIN' TO GIVE UP 100 BUCKS, ME MATEY~!
JASPER: DANG.
ALICE: WHAT A CHEAPSKATE!
JASPER: HAVEN'T YOU WATCHED SPONGEBOB? OF COURSE HE'S A CHEAPSKATE!
ALICE: YOU WATCH SPONGEBOB?
JASPER:...NO?
ALICE: I THINK WE'VE BEEN SPENDING TOO LONG A TIME IN ETERNITY...
EDWARD: I THINK WE'RE BEING INFLUENCED WAY TOO MUCH BY...HER.
ME: 誰ですか私？
EDWARD: STOP SPEAKING A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, YOU GLUTTON!
ME: SORRY! IT'S JUST SO FUNNY SEEING YOU STARE!
[ANGER EMENATES FROM CAST/CREW]
ME: WELL...HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THE NEXT SCENE, EH? [NERVOUS SMILE]
BELLA: WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED THE SCENE!
ME: OH...WELL, PLACES!
[PEOPLE SCRAMBLE AROUND, WONDERING WHERE THEIR PLACES ARE]
ME: OK, THIS IS THE PART WHERE JACOB TURNS INTO A WOLF!
JACOB: THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THIS MOVIE!
ME: REALLY? OK, WELL THEN, THIS CAN BE THE SCENE WHERE BELLA GETS BEAT UP BY JAMES! MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!
JAMES: FOR SOME REASON, I'M SCARED...
EDWARD: YOU SHOULD BE.
BELLA: YAAAAAY!
EDWARD: YOU'RE SO STUPID.
BELLA: YAY!
EDWARD: THAT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT!
BELLA: OH WELL! MY GRAMMY ALWAYS SAID TO FACE THINGS WITH A SMILE!
EDWARD: THAT QUOTE IS RIDDEN WITH EXCEPTIONS.
BELLA: SILLY! EXCEPTIONS CAN'T RIDE A QUOTE! [SQUEAL]
EDWARD: AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T GET ANY STUPIDER. HURRY UP AND GET HER IN THE SCENE. CAN I JOIN IN, TOO?
ME: SORRY, JAMES GETS THE HONOR HERE, EDDY! NOW, READY, BELLA?
BELLA: READY!
ME: THEN...ACTION!
JAMES: HEHEHEHEHE [FLIES DOWN]
BELLA: [SILENT GASP]
JAMES: YES, IT IS I, THE JAMES THAT WANTS TO KILL YOUR BOYFRIEND VAMPIRE!
BELLA: [CONTINUES GAPING LIKE A FISH]
JAMES:...TIME TO HURT YOU SO EDWARD WILL COME AND I CAN DUEL HIM TO THE DEATH!
BELLA: [STARE...]
JAMES: [PROMPTLY PRETENDS TO BEAT UP BELLA] PUNCH! HIT! THROW! EVVVIL!
BELLA: OW OW. ARG IT HURTS SO MUCH.. OW
JAMES: MUAHAHA
EDWARD: [SWINGS ON A ROPE LIKE TARZAN] WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY...DEAR...BELLA..(DANG I HATED SAYING THAT)
JAMES: WHY, I AM SIMPLY BEATING HER UP! MUAHAHAHAHAH-
EDWARD: HI-YAH! [KARATE CHOPS A PILLAR]
JAMES: HOY-YUU! [RIPS OUT FLOORBOARDS]
EDWARD: OOOOHYYY...[GRABS THE PILLAR AND RIPS IT IN HALF]..YEEH!
JAMES: AH, THAT IS NO MATCH FOR THIISS! GRRRRUH...[TAKES THE HALVES AND TURNS IT INTO WOOD FOR A FIRE]..YOOO!
EDWARD: OH, THAT IS NOTHING!
BELLA: UH, GUYS...?
EDWARD: [TAKES A MATCH AND LIGHTS THE WOOD ON FIRE]
JAMES: AHHH! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS MY WEAKNESS?
EDWARD: I DIDN'T...I WAS JUST GOING TO RIP YOU INTO PIECES AND THROW YOU IN THE FIRE...
JAMES: NOT BEFORE I DO THIS! [GRABS BELLA AND BITES HER]
BELLA: HEY!
JAMES: NOW I GO IN PEACE! [PROCEEDS TO GET SHREDDED AND BURNED]
EDWARD: BELLA. NOOOOOOOOOOO...(yes)
CARLISLE: QUICK, SUCK IT OUT!
EDWARD: FINALLY! WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO! [SUCKS OUT BLOOD FROM BELLA]
BELLA: NNNNRGH
CARLISLE: STOP, EDWARD IT IS TOO MUCH!
EDWARD: [SUCK] MMM..TASTES LIKE CHICKEN
CARLISLE: EDWARD!
ME: AND...CUT!
[MURMUR AS PEOPLE START TALKING, STOP SHOOTING, AND REINCARNATE AFTER BEING RIPPED TO SHREDS AND BURNED]
JAMES: AH, THAT FELT NICE!
EDWARD: JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, BELLA, YOUR BLOOD DID NOT TASTE LIKE CHICKEN..[GRABS MOUTH]
ME: THAT WAS AWESOME, GUYS! NOW WE CAN EAT!
BELLA: YAAAAY!
ALICE: FINALLY...KILLING PEOPLE IS SO TIRING...
JAMES: I HEAR YA! MAN, RUNNING ALL DAY...WHERE CAN A VAMPIRE GET A BREAK?
ME: YOU CAN GET ONE ONCE THE MOVIE IS FINISHED! NOW EAT QUICKLY, WE HAVE ANOTHER SCENE TO SHOOT!
EDWARD: HAVEN'T YOU TORTURED US ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY?
ME: I'M NOT TORTURING YOU! I'M DIRECTING YOU!
EDWARD: SAME THING!
BELLA: TOO HUNGRY...[STARTS GNAWING AT TABLE]
EDWARD: SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
ME: I SAID YOU COULD EAT...THE FOOD'S OVER THERE...SO WHY'S SHE EATING THE TABLE?
EDWARD: BECAUSE..SHE'S AN IDIOT. [DRAGS BELLA TOWARD THE FOOD]
BELLA: NOMNOMNOM[CHEWS AT AIR]
ME:...
EVERYONE:...
ME: UM, IGNORE THAT AND GO EAT...
EVERYONE: FINALLY! [FALL ONTO FOOD] NOMKNOMGARBLENOMCACTUS
ME: OK, THAT'S ENOUGH! WE'RE WASTING DAYNIGHT, PEOPLE! TIME TO HIT THE HAY!
EDWARD: DON'T YOU MEAN, "DAYLIGHT"? AND "TIME TO HIT THE ROAD"?
ME: NO. WHY?
EDWARD:...I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THE DAY.
ALICE: WHEN WHAT?
EDWARD: WHEN I WOULD FIND SOMEONE STUPIDER THAN BELLA.
EVERYONE: OOOHBUUUUURN~
ME: YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH, YOU FREAK O' NATURE! IF WE DON'T SHOOT THIS SCENE, THEN I'LL SET THE BELLA ON YOU!
EDWARD: [ o.O ] OH SPARKLES NO! I'LL DO ANYTHING, YOUR (stupid) HIGHNESS! [BOWS BEFORE THE AWESOME ME]
ME: HEHE, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT. NOW, LET'S GO! TIME TO SHOOT THE SCENE WHERE BELLA AND EDDY...KISS! (DUN DUNN DUNNNNNNNN)
BELLA: [STOPS GNAWING HER PLATE]...[STARES AT ME]...[STARES AT EDWARD]...[TAKES ANOTHER FEW MINUTES TO COMPREHEND WHAT I SAID]...
EDWARD: [DISAPPEARS UP A TREE]
BELLA: KISS? ME? EDDY-POO-KINS? KISS?
ME:[NODDING] YES, BELLA, KISS ED SCENE [NODS AGAIN]
BELLA: KISSS? KISSS? [FINALLY GETS IT] ! [SELFCOMBUSTS AND FLIES INTO THE AIR(NOW SHE'S LITERALLY AN AIRHEAD!)]
EDWARD: [GETS A TICKET TO DALLAS, TEXAS(YES, WHILE ON A TREE)] IT WAS NOT GOOD KNOWING YOU GUYS. [WITH A TEXAS ACCENT] LIKE DIRECTOR WOULD SAY, "TIME TO HIT THE HAY!"
ME: [RUNS UP AND GRABS ED'S COLLAR] NOT SO FAST, EDDY-POO-KINS.
ALICE: ...HOW DID SHE DO THAT?
JASPER: I GUESS DIRECTOR ACTUALLY HAS LEG MUSCLES. WHO KNEW?
ALICE: BUT SHE'S ACTING LIKE A VAMPIRE! OHMAHGOD, SHE CAN'T BE! [DRAMATICALLY FALLS ONTO THE GROUND] NO! NOO! *SOB*
EDWARD: [TRIES TO RUN AWAY] YOU CAN'T BE A VAMPIRE!
ME: WHAT? NO! BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HOW UNREALISTIC CARTOONS ARE? I JUST THOUGHT I'D JOIN IN THE FUN!
EDWARD: ...WUT? (THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE)
ME: OH? THEN HOW COME YOU CAN STILL CLIMB TREES AND JASPER CAN LIFT ME? EVEN THOUGH WE'RE NOT SHOOTING THE FILM? (AND HOW COME I READ YOUR PARENTHESES?)
EDWARD: BECAUSE STEPHANIE MEYER IS POPULAR! THAT'S JUST AS AMAZING!
EVERYONE: (MUTTERING) THAT MAKES SENSE..
ME: *SLAPS KNEE* OH! THAT WAS GOOOOD! OH, STEPHANIE MUST BE SNEEZING WHILE WRITING HER MANY-ADJECTIVIED BOOKS! [CRACKS UP WHILE STILL HOLDING ED'S COLLAR]
EVERYONE: ...
BELLA: ...HAHAHA! SHE CLIMBED UP A TREE!
EVERYONE: ...