Duérmete
i.
Lately I've been wandering around
Looking for my up and down
Nick didn't notice it at first. He didn't notice Jeff and the way he'd shut down in the middle of a conversation. He didn't notice that Jeff skipped out of Warbler practice early. He didn't notice how Jeff never ate lunch with him. Nick simply didn't notice that Jeff wasn't really there anymore.
It wasn't until Jeff disappeared completely that he noticed something was wrong with his best friend.
He asked around before he did anything; he tried to find the source of the problem. Thad said that Jeff had a project for science, whereas Blaine said that wasn't true, he'd already done the project last month. Kurt said he and Jeff went for coffee when their History class ended early, but he didn't seem any different. Gavin was his English partner, and once again Jeff seemed normal.
From what Nick could gather, Jeff was perfectly fine around everyone but him. Had Nick done something to make him angry? It wasn't likely, seeing as how they never fought. Maybe Nick forgot a special day, but the only important date that was this month was Jeff's birthday. He hadn't forgotten, in fact he spent all his free-time planning a party for his best friend.
Why was Jeff avoiding him?
"Don't worry about it," Wes said as he looked through a set-list before Warblers' practice. "He's probably just stressing over a test. You distract him a lot, so he's most-likely trying to get away so he can pass it."
Nick nodded and slapped his forehead. Why hadn't he thought of that? Nick distracting Jeff was never intentional, he just enjoyed making Jeff laugh too much. He never thought of it as ever being a serious problem, seeing as how Jeff got straight A's, but maybe Jeff was taking things serious this semester.
"That must be it. Thanks, Wes."
Wes smiled proudly. "No problem. Now, ready for that solo?"
-:-
Nick had found himself oddly attached to Kurt, mostly because he was smart and friendly, and because he gave great advice.
Nick hung around Kurt even more than usual lately because he had something to say, something that made his fingers shake and his stomach ache.
Kurt was aware of how flustered Nick had been. At first he thought that maybe Nick was attracted to him, but even after he and Blaine got together Nick stayed the same.
Nick was gay, but he hadn't told anyone. Not because he was scared or worried that things wouldn't turn out well for him anything, he just wasn't ready to embark on a relationship with anyone. At least that's what he thought before junior year. Now he was ready. Almost.
He was a bit scared to come out, mostly because he wasn't sure how everyone would take it. People labeled him as straight and he allowed it to happen. He sensed that Kurt knew, which is why he'd grown so close to him.
He went home with Kurt one Friday, mostly just so two friends could hang out and finish up class projects. Really is was so he could come out, so he could ask Kurt what to do and how to act and who to love. It was silly and absurd, but it made the butterflies fly and his body tingle. He felt like a little kid and knew that he'd want to feel this way all the time.
The Hummel's home was nice. Not big like his house but it was cozy and smelt like cookies and ham. Nick was jealous that Kurt only had one brother; he had three and they were all annoying. Kurt's father had stained-grease on his hands but Nick shook his hand anyway, thanking him and his wife for allowing him over. Carole was far too sweet than he'd expected. His own mother was snooty and always buried in work.
"I like your room," Nick said to Kurt as they entered the room.
"I don't. It needs some serious redecoration. It's almost summer and I'm drowning in winter schemes." He watched as Kurt grabbed Nick's bags and set them in a closet, but before he could shut the door he asked Nick if he wanted to change into street clothes.
Both the boys were still in uniform and both wanted to dress in normal clothes. Nick took his sweater and jeans to the bathroom down the hall, passing Finn's room. He could hear him talking to someone - more like screaming - and realized that he was playing a video game. He wondered which one. Halo, maybe? If so, he'd have to ditch Kurt for a few and show Finn how much of a pro he was.
After he was changed and had put his clothes away in Kurt's room, he realized that he needed to tell Kurt. They went downstairs and sat in the living-room. Kurt watched something that he had recorded on the DVR and did his best to answer Nick's questions about the reality show. Halfway through the hour-long show Nick faced Kurt on the couch and crossed his legs. Kurt raised his eyebrows in curiosity and paused the TV, turning his attention to his friend.
"I want to tell you something," Nick began. Kurt looked worried for a moment. "I'm not... I... Jesus, I don't know where to start."
"The beginning?" Kurt suggested.
Nick nodded and then frowned. "There isn't one."
"Just say it, Nick."
"I'm gay."
Kurt smiled and laughed. "I know."
"I know," Nick sighed in a less happier tone.
"You do?" Kurt was curious again.
"Of course. I heard through the grape-vine that your gay-dar sucks, though, so I don't know how I knew you knew..."
"What!" Kurt scoffed. "My gay-dar does not suck."
"Then why'd you chase straight guys?"
"I had hope that they'd have a change of heart. And thankfully, they didn't. Otherwise one of them would be my boyfriend slash step-brother."
Nick stuck his tongue out and gagged. "Incest. Yuck."
Kurt rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the television. "It's only incest if it's biological. Besides, I have Blaine now." He looked at Nick in the corner of his eye. Gratefully he didn't look disappointed or hurt.
"How...how do you know when someone likes you back?" Nick whispered a few minutes later.
Kurt paused again and turned back to his friend. "Well, sometimes they'll act the same way around you that you act around them; shy, giddy, dorky. Maybe they'll look at you differently, or want to be around you more."
Nick felt queasy then as he thought of Jeff. Jeff didn't want to be around him.
Wait a minute, Nick said to himself mentally. Why are you bringing Jeff into this? This was about you, not him.
"Are you okay, Nick? It looks like you got your heart stepped on." Kurt hoped it wasn't his fault.
"How do you know when you like someone?" Nick blurted out. Kurt's face turned scarlett.
"Why are you asking me this?"
Nick shook his head. "Nevermind."
The boys put Nick's Coming Out behind them and spent the rest of the night watching movies and hanging out with the Hummels. Around midnight Kurt fell asleep on the couch and left Nick alone to finish watching Moulin Rouge without him. He didn't really care for it, but he did enjoy singing along to the familiar songs. When it was over he shut off the TV and went upstairs. He passed by Kurt's parents' room and waved at them. They were awake and watching a movie of their own. It was late, though, so Nick wondered as to why they weren't asleep.
"Where's Kurt?" Burt asked.
"He fell asleep. I'd figure I'd take his bed." Was that a polite thing to say? Nick wasn't sure.
"Yeah, he usually tuckers out by the time Christian finds out about Satine. He's not a fan of angst or heartbreak or things like that," Burt stated.
Nick nodded. "Well, I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight Mr. and Mrs. Hummel."
"Night, sweetie," Carole said.
"Wait a second, Nick," Burt said. He motioned for him to go into their room and to sit on the bed. Nick did so cautiously, unsure as to what was going to happen.
"I heard what you said to Kurt."
"Oh."
Burt smiled. "I'm glad you came out, don't get me wrong. But Kurt's with Blaine now, and I know that you probably feel comfortable with Kurt and stuff, but..."
Nick cut him off, his expression shocked. "Whoa. I'm sorry if I've confused anyone but I'm not after Kurt. He's a cool kid and stuff, but I'm not really into the flaming. Uh, no offense."
Burt narrowed his eyes but laughed. "All right. Goodnight."
"Night."
Nick made his way into Kurt's room and climbed into his bed, easily falling asleep in the silence and comfort.
In the late morning he and Kurt ate breakfast quietly. They chatted about classes and the Warblers, but they stayed away from topics about Nick's curiosity to relationships and sexuality. But eventually Burt butted in, only wanting to help Nick understand things.
"So, Nick," he began as he stole a piece of bacon off of Finn's plate. Finn seemed not to care but Kurt scolded his father. Burt turned his attention back to Nick. "Now that you've come out, do you have anyone in mind?"
Kurt shifted uncomfortably and finally Nick noticed this.
Kurt thinks I like him. Oh, no. What if Blaine finds out? He'll kill me. Make up a name. Fix this. Now.
Nick tried to keep his inner battle from reaching the surface. He threw out a name. "Jeff."
Kurt dropped his fork and turned on his stool. He nearly grabbed Nick by the shoulders and shook him with excitement, but instead he just smiled.
"Jeff? Really? I always thought there was something between you two."
"Who's Jeff?" Finn asked, smiling as he watched his step-brother giggle in happiness. Or was it relief? Nick hoped for the former.
"He's my best friend," Nick replied. "We've known each other forever."
"Is he gay, too?" Burt asked.
"Uh, yeah. He came out the summer before middle school."
"I cannot wait to tell Blaine," Kurt said, pulling out his cellphone.
"No!" Nick shouted. "You can't tell him! You can't tell anyone! No one is to know about this. Hell, forget I even told you. Nothing happened. Got that?" He snapped his eyes to Finn and Burt with panic, both of them nodded.
"Your secret is safe with me, dude. I don't even know anyone else at Dalton besides you and Blaine. And Kurt," Finn said, quickly stuffing some sausage in his mouth.
"I won't say anything, kiddo," Burt confirmed.
Nick narrowed his eyes at Kurt. Kurt looked appalled. "What? But you have to tell him, Nick. I mean, Jeff's friggin' perfect for you!"
"Just promise me, please?" Nick sighed, asking more nicely.
Kurt huffed. "Fine. But if you don't do something about this by his birthday, I will tell him myself."
"Whatever."
ii.
Oh, lately I've been all over town
What is lost and never found
All weekend long Nick pondered. Why had he said Jeff's name? Sure Jeff had been there, but so had plenty of other names. There was Donny in the year below, and Simon - he'd graduated early this year. There were plenty of other gay guys at Dalton that he knew. He could have said any of those names. But why did he say Jeff's?
Perhaps Nick liked Jeff in more than a friendly manner. But no, the thought was too absurd and too different. Jeff was just Jeff and would always be his friend, even if he was attracted to him. Wait a second. Nick wasn't attracted to Jeff. In fact, he never even thought of Jeff that way.
But now he was thinking of Jeff like that. He was thinking of holding Jeff's hand and showing him off as his boyfriend, thinking of the way his lips felt and tasted and how his body would move beneath his. This was insane. He shouldn't be thinking of his best friend like that.
He needed to worry about Jeff's birthday that was on Friday.
-:-
Kurt couldn't help himself. He had to tell someone about Nick. He thought about texting Mercedes, seeing as how she went to McKinley but it wouldn't be shocking enough news to share. He knew Blaine was one of Nick and Jeff's best friends, so he'd probably be most surprised.
Though, he wasn't. He knew all along that something would happen between those two.
"Their too emotional to be just friends," Blaine had explained to Kurt over the phone. "I mean, some would call it a bromance if they were straight, but since they're not it's clearly love - a crush, even."
"It's going to kill me if they don't get together," Kurt gushed.
"Yeah, but they've got to go at their own pace. Besides, Nick's only come out to you. It's going to take him sometime to work up the courage to act on it."
"Can't we push him along? You know, steer him into the right direction?"
"You can guide a horse to water, Kurt, but you can't make him drink it."
Kurt pouted. "I can try."
"Kurt, don't! Don't get involved. You have to let things pan-out," Blaine warned. Kurt agreed that he wouldn't meddle. But he didn't agree that he wouldn't help if Nick asked for it, which he did.
That Monday morning Nick waited outside of Dalton, watching every car until he spotted Kurt's Navigator. He ran out to it, practically tripping the entire way.
"You sort of a resemble a dog right now," Kurt stated as he got out.
"I like Jeff," Nick spat out. "And I don't know what to do."
"You need my help, then?"
"Clearly."
Kurt smiled. He loved to help.
The two boys entered the large, distinguished building and tried to figure out what to do and how to do it.
"Should I tell him before or after his birthday?" Nick asked.
"I would love to say that you should do it on his birthday, but he might not like you back. We don't need the drama," Kurt replied, glaring at the floor. He liked the birthday aspect.
It hit Nick in the pit of his stomach. What if Jeff didn't like him back? What if Jeff thought of him as a friend and only that? Jeff doesn't even know that Nick's gay.
"I'm way in over my head," Nick said quietly. Kurt frowned at his friend and pulled him to a stop. People in the hall looked at the two angrily as they moved around them.
"No, you're not. You're just scared. If you don't take a chance you'll always be wondering 'what if'. You have to let him know, Nick. It will break my precious, little heart if you don't say something to him."
Nick shook his head and swallowed dryly. "I can't, Kurt. I just...I can't risk the friendship."
Kurt sighed and pulled his friend into a hug. "You at least have to tell him you're gay."
Nick could do that. If anything Jeff will be supportive and maybe even be glad that he's got another gay friend. Maybe if Nick is really lucky Jeff will feel the same way and admit it first. Kurt was right, he had to tell Jeff.
Nick squeezed Kurt and let go, rushing towards Jeff's first period. Nick peered into the English class, not spotting Jeff anywhere. He waited outside then, greeting everyone as they entered the class.
The bell rang.
No Jeff.
iii.
I want to find tonight
I will be alright
Nick had never skipped school before. Not even when he was sick. Honestly, Nick liked school. He liked his friends and his teachers, plus the work for him was far too easy. He was often bored in his classes, but all the fun moments made up for it.
He felt ill as he pulled away from the school in his car. He constantly thought about turning around as he headed to Jeff's house, but he knew that if he didn't go find his friend then he'd never see him again. It was a silly fear, but it was impending and made him feel depressed. Jeff only lived twelve blocks from Dalton. It gave Nick hope that he could return to school before second period.
Jeff's house was almost as ordinary as Kurt's, plus it was stuck in the middle of a suburbia full of Stepford-like qualities. Nick had spent a lot of time in this neighborhood, mostly when he grew up with Jeff. Unlike Jeff and his family, Nick's was constantly moving. He'd never stayed in a house for more than four years. Thankfully they stayed in the same area; Nick wouldn't be able to handle living somewhere other than Westerville - somewhere other than near Jeff.
He walked up to Jeff's house, straightening his jacket and running a hand through his brown hair before ringing the doorbell. It took a few minutes but finally the door opened, revealing a tired looking Jeff behind it.
"Nick, what are you doing here?" the blonde asked, his voice dry.
"You didn't come to school and I wanted to make sure you weren't sick or anything. You look sick."
Jeff shrugged and walked away from the door, leaving it open so Nick could come in. Jeff walked down the hallway and crossed through the living room until he made his way upstairs. Nick watched Jeff's back as he trudged up the steps, dragging his feet until he walked into his room. Nick followed and shut the door behind him, watching as his friend crawled under his covers and disappear in his bed.
Nick smiled and sat in the computer chair, listening as Jeff took audible breaths beneath the blue comforter.
"You're going to suffocate," Nick stated.
"Good," Jeff said back.
Nick chuckled and walked over to his friend's bed, throwing himself on and crushing the boy beneath. Jeff made a loud sound of discomfort and found his way out of the covers. Nick bounced slightly and crushed the blonde boy once more. He made a growling noise and got out from beneath the weight and pulled Nick into a headlock. Nick fought back and the two wrestled until they were breathless. Once they called a truce they laid back on Jeff's bed and stared at the ceiling.
"How come you've been avoiding me?" Nick asked when he got his breath back.
"I haven't been avoiding you," Jeff whispered.
"Yes, you have. I thought maybe you were stressing out or something from one of your classes but everyone said that you were fine."
"I'm just tired."
Nick turned on his side and put his hands beneath his cheek. He watched Jeff blink and lick his lips. He watched his chest rise and fall as he took cautious breaths. He watched his friend's hands shake on his belly and noticed how dark the rings beneath his eyes made him look like a scared kid.
"Something happened," Nick quietly said. "What are you not telling me?"
Jeff turned on his side and faced his best friend. He didn't look at him, though. He kept his eyes shut and held his mouth in a tight line.
"You're going to tell me. It's impossible to keep secrets in this room."
Jeff remained mute.
Nick put his hand on his friend's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "We've been best friends since we were fetuses. You can tell me anything."
Jeff opened his eyes. They were red and moist. "I can't tell you this."
Nick felt his hand drop and land onto Jeff's. It was warm. It trembled. "Why not?"
"I just can't. It's personal."
Nick frowned and stared at his hand on Jeff's. Something was immensely wrong with his best friend, and it killed him that he wasn't finding out why.
"I'll tell you a secret if you tell me yours," Nick said then. He didn't wait for Jeff to protest. "I'm gay."
He wouldn't meet Jeff's eyes but he could feel how still his friend had gotten.
"Really?" Jeff asked in a hushed tone. Nick met Jeff's brown eyes with his own and nodded his head with a small grin.
"That's really awesome."
iv.
Lately I've been wandering around
Looking for my up and down
Nick returned to school shortly after checking up on Jeff. He never did admit to what was wrong and it didn't help that he hadn't really seemed excited about Nick being gay. It mostly gave Nick closure that he and Jeff weren't meant to be. He really shouldn't have been so upset, but the scenarios that had been playing in his mind since the weekend crumbled and it killed him.
Kurt did his best to support his friend, but he mostly went ignored as Nick laid his head on his arm and willed the tears away. That Monday was long and hard, and Nick couldn't get Jeff's grim face out of his mind. His heart hurt and his lungs felt like the were being smothered. He had overheard David and Blaine talking. David said he was overreacting; "It's not like he got dumped or anything." Blaine mumbled something, probably an agreement.
They were right. Nick hadn't been rejected, but he remained the same.
By Wednesday, Nick had become just as bad as Jeff. He sat and mulled in his depression, not even acknowledging anyone who tried to spark up a conversation. Kurt was angry at his friend. He was being too dramatic.
"You didn't even tell him you liked him. It's not the end of the world," Kurt said harshly in Biology.
"It's not just that," Nick explained. "Jeff doesn't keep secrets from me. I'm really worried, Kurt. I'm also hurt that he doesn't trust me enough to tell me."
Kurt sighed. "We're all justified to keep things to ourselves sometimes."
Nick sat up and turned his entire body to Kurt. He leaned in and looked Kurt dead-on in the eyes.
"I'm really, really worried about him, Kurt. I'm scared for him. What if he hurts himself?"
Kurt frowned and casted his eyes down. "You think he's in that deep?"
Nick frowned deeply. "Maybe. I just don't know what to do and I feel so helpless, you know?"
Nick put his head back on the table and shut his eyes, the worry going away in the sleep he stole during class. Kurt watched him and hesitantly sent Blaine a text.
I think things are much worse than they should be. We need to talk to Jeff. - K
Blaine's phone buzzed loudly in the middle of Geography. The teacher looked up from his computer and glared at Blaine.
"Mr. Anderson, no phones." He held out his hand and Blaine unwillingly but politely walked over to give his phone to the teacher and sat back at his table. "You can have this back after class."
-:-
Jeff felt weight on the edge of his bed and he pulled his blankets into him tighter.
"I'm still not feeling very well. Can you go away, Mom? Please?"
"If I was your mother I'd slap you."
Jeff sat up and met the icy-blue eyes of Kurt Hummel. He spotted Blaine by his bookshelf and scratched the back of his neck.
"What are you guys doing here?" he asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
"Intervention," Kurt said in a harsh-tone. Jeff's eyes widened.
"Lighten up, Kurt," Blaine said as he walked over to Jeff's bed and sat beside his boyfriend. Jeff watched as they held hands and felt a pang in his chest. "We're here to nicely ask you to cheer up and come back to school."
"I'm sick. I can't go to school."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "You're not sick. You're depressed."
"Same thing," Jeff replied.
"True, but in this case you're a sixteen year old - almost seventeen, might I add - and you're acting like everyone you know and love has banished you from life," Kurt spoke, making sure Jeff heard every single word he said.
"It's my life. I'll do with it what I want." He pulled his blankets over his head and waited for them to say something else. There was a moment of shuffling and angry whispering but then the only sound left was his warm breathing. He could still feel weight on the edge of his bed. He peeked out of the covers and saw Blaine watching him, Kurt nowhere in sight.
"I know that it's not my business to tell you what to do-and I'm not asking you this so you can be miserable and give in for my sake-but at least do it for Nick's. Would you please come back to life?"
"What does Nick have anything to do with this?"
Blaine grinned softly. "He loves you, Jeff. Not just as a best friend. Nick came out to you, practically told you how he felt, and you did nothing?" Jeff opened his mouth to speak but Blaine held his hand up. "I know that you may not feel anything romantic towards him, but you're still leaving him in the dark about how you truly feel about his Coming Out. And he's sickly worried about you. He's afraid that you're going to kill yourself."
Jeff remained silent, his thoughts playing over everything Blaine had said. He could feel tears building up and he blinked them back.
"I can't, Blaine. I can't tell him."
"Tell him what? Tell him how you feel or what you're hiding?"
"What I'm hiding."
Blaine smiled again. "Then at least tell him how you feel. He deserves that much."
v.
I want to find tonight
I will be alright
Nick found himself at Kurt's house again. It had been only one week since he was here last, and already things seemed like they had happened years ago.
"And you're sure Blaine said he was coming?" Nick asked as he dodged clothing being thrown out of the closet.
"Yes. It's his birthday party, after all; why would he miss that?"
Kurt screamed in the closet and Nick stood up with a tennis racket in his hand, prepared to fight off whatever it was that had made his friend freak out.
Kurt appeared with a pair of black pants. He had a huge grin on his face and jumped in place. He stopped when he noticed Nick's defensive stance.
"What are you doing with Blaine's tennis racket?"
"Protecting you...?" Nick set the racket down and scratched his head.
"From what? A sequence top?" He walked over to Nick and put his hands on his hips, gripping the pants in his right hand. "Take off your pants."
"What?" Nick picked up the racket again and used it to cover his legs. Kurt rolled his eyes and took the racket and threw it back into his closet. "Blaine's not going to be happy now that you've lost his tennis racket."
"It's in the closet," Kurt retorted.
"Yeah. Lost."
"Shut up and take your pants off. These pants scream "look at me, Jeff!" and I'm going to make sure that you go home with a boyfriend tonight."
Nick frowned but then smiled. He stood up and took his jeans off, sticking his hand out. Kurt put the pants in his palm and watched as Nick struggled to put them on.
"What is this? Latex? Holy shit, they're way too tight. I'm losing circulation. Help!"
Kurt rolled his eyes and walked over to Nick. He grabbed the hem of the pants and began to pull them up. Instead he pulled Nick up.
"Skinny jeans should be illegal," Nick said breathless.
"Shut up. We'll do this. Suck in your stomach."
Nick followed Kurt's instructions, doing his best to aid the boy. "I am not female!"
"With that ass, you might be," Kurt said, a little breathless himself. "Zip them up. Quickly."
The hazel-eyed boy let out a deep breath as the zipper shut. He buttoned the pants and collapsed onto Kurt's bed, making his legs as straight as planks.
"How do you handle these things?"
Kurt went back into his closet. "It's not my fault you're not as small as me. Wow, it feels great to say that. And here we go, the final piece."
Nick sat up and frowned at the knee-high leather boots Kurt held out. "Are those high-heels?"
"I am seriously going to slap you. Put them on."
Nick obliged to Kurt's orders, cursing below his breath and threatening Kurt.
"If Jeff and I aren't together by the end of this, you're closet will be burnt down."
-:-
Nick ran around his house, making sure that things were where they were supposed to be. Kurt and Blaine stayed near the door, greeting the party invitees as they entered the house. Nick stayed at the top of the stairs, saying hello to the faces that passed by. His leg bounced up and down as he waited for Jeff. More and more people arrived but none them were his best friend.
"Where's the birthday-boy?" Kurt asked through his teeth as he and Blaine got some drinks.
"No idea. He told me he'd be here," Blaine replied, looking around.
"You do realize how devastated Nick's going to be if he doesn't show?"
"He won't be the only one."
The music was loud yet happily approved by the crowd. From his spot on the stairs Nick realized how many guys were here. It was like a regular Dalton event, except here everyone dressed normal and snuck in booze. He thought that he should have made it smaller. Just the Warblers and a few friends.
It had been an hour since the party started and there was still no sign of him. Nick was losing hope and gave up on waiting. He stood up and walked to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He sat at his desk and looked out the window. There was a full moon and plenty of stars out. It made him think of all the camp-outs he and Jeff had had when they were younger.
"What are you being a loner for?" Nick turned around and saw Jeff standing in the doorway. He kept his grasp on the door-handle and the other on his hip.
Nick simply shrugged.
"It's my birthday. I'm seventeen now. We need to go get wasted or something."
Nick wanted to smile and hug his friend, but Jeff was faking it. He was pretending to be excited. The rings were still underneath his eyes and he looked much skinnier than he should have been. It was Jeff's birthday and there shouldn't be any drama, but it was no fair. Why did Nick have to let Jeff pretend for his sake?
"I hate you, Jeff. Go away." Nick swiveled in his chair and looked back out the window. He heard his door shut but didn't look back.
"If you hate me then you wouldn't have thrown this party."
"Aren't you lucky to have a friend like me?" He had said it to himself in a sarcastic fashion, but Jeff overheard.
"Why can't I be depressed?" Jeff asked. Nick turned and looked at his friend, questioning him silently. "Why can't I be allowed to lay in misery until I feel like moving on with my life? Why can't I just get away for a while?"
"Because friends don't let other friends mope around. They stay with each other and cry together and move on together. That's how things work. And honestly I'm a little hurt that you won't even let me try to be there for you."
"That's because I don't want you to have to suffer with me!" Jeff glared at his best friend before he laughed. There was no humor to this. Nick felt himself tearing up. "This is something I don't want you to have to sit through. This is something I don't want you to burden yourself with."
"Maybe I want to! Maybe I want to take your problems on put them on my shoulders!"
"I don't know what you want from me, Nick. I always think of you and make my life revolve around you. Just this once I want to be on my own. And then...and then you had to come out of the closet. What was that?"
Nick scoffed. "That was me being honest with myself. I personally thought that maybe you'd be excited."
"Excited for what? You're gay, that's awesome - really, it is - but I don't know how else you want me to respond to it."
"I just wanted you to be happy, Jeff. It kills me to see you like this. I'm scared."
"Scared of what?" the blonde asked.
"You not being around anymore."
Jeff blinked and looked taken-aback. "You really think I'd kill myself?"
"I don't know. Maybe. And that would really suck because I don't want to be alone. I don't want to-" Nick stopped himself and wiped at his cheek. It was wet and warm and he couldn't even face Jeff anymore.
"You don't want to what, Nick?"
"I don't want to wake up and realize that the only person that I had ever truly loved is no longer around. I could handle you not loving me, but you not being in my life is the most heartbreaking thing that could ever happen. And truthfully, if you were to take your own life I'd probably shortly follow. I know it's crazy but I fucking love you."
Nick stopped and clenched his hands into fists, his heart pounding a million beats a second and his face flushed with anger. Jeff stared at his best friend, his eyes searching for something. Nick waited for him to say it - to say that he loved Nick back. But he never did. Nick shook his head, got up and walked to the door.
vi.
I will be just fine
"I was raped."
vii.
And I know that better days will come
Nick remained paralyzed in the doorway. "What did you say?"
"Don't make me say it again," Jeff hissed. Nick managed to shut the door and turn around. He stared at his friend, who was crying a lot harder than he had been. "That's what's wrong. That's why I've been depressed and why I haven't wanted to be around you."
"I...I..."
Nick had nothing to say. His best friend has just confessed something horrible and all he could feel was selfish pain.
Jeff looked up with wet eyes and let out a single sob. "As soon as it happened I tried to call you, but I couldn't. All I could think about was how you'd come to my rescue and take care of me and you'd look at me like I was some pathetic child and you'd be careful around me. I didn't want things to be different and I sure as fuck didn't want you to see me like this."
"I would have done all those things," Nick admitted. "There's nothing wrong with me being there for you. There's nothing wrong with you wanting me to be there for you. But for you to just push me away like you have...especially after...after you were..."
He couldn't say it.
He wouldn't.
"It was stupid. I thought that he liked me but it turns out that he was just using me for some messed up shit. I honestly thought that I was in love with him. I only knew him for three weeks but he was cute and perfect and made me happy. He took advantage of me, Nick. He did the number one thing you said he'd do."
Nick hadn't remembered saying that to Jeff. He recalled Jeff talking about the guy, but he didn't really care. Jeff dated all the time. The only problem Nick had was the fact that the guy had been in college. He probably mentioned to Jeff that all the guy wanted was sex, but it was mostly a joke. At least, it had been.
"You know what the worst part is about all of this?" Jeff asked, his tone angry now. "I only dated him because I thought it'd make you jealous. Sure you were still in the closet and sure you didn't look at me twice, but I was crazy and I believed that you'd tell me you loved me." He stood up and walked over to Nick. "Looks like I got what I wanted."
He made an attempt to leave the room but Nick blocked the door. Jeff glared at him and tried again.
"You can't leave. Not after all of that."
"I'm missing out on my party."
Nick pushed Jeff away and shut the door. He glared at his best friend and tried to contain the new set of tears that were building up.
"You can't just ignore things that you don't want to face anymore. I told you how I feel and you told me how you feel. You were raped, Jeff. You can't walk away from that and you can't walk away from this." Nick took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, forcing a few tears to escape. He opened them and found Jeff's eyes. They matched his; dark and wet and pleading.
"I love you. You love me. And whether you like it or not we will deal with this together. That's what friends do."
Jeff fell into Nick's arms and sobbed. He held Nick tightly and Nick matched his strength. "I don't want to, Nick. I don't want to deal with it. I want it to go away."
Nick nodded in the crook of his neck. "I'll make it go away. I promise."
end.