"Lunch Time Lunacy"
By Thad Komorowski, Pietro Shakarian, Jon Cooke, and Jack Tatay
All characters are copyrighted by Universal
We open on a nice, sunny day... our hero, Woody Woodpecker, is seen coming down the street singing:
Woody (singing): Everybody thinks I'm cra-zee!
Yessiree, that's me, that's me,
When I go an eatery,
The waiters all get panicky!
Knock on wood!
*KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK*
A-well, knock on woo-ood!
So I'm hungry...
So what, what, what, can I do?
I ask you!
(spoken) Boy, oh, boy! Am I hungry! I wonder what time it is?
He looks at his watch. The hand is pointing to "LUNCH TIME".
Woody: Now, what do I want to eat??
As he walks down the street, every resturant owner quickly puts a "CLOSED" sign in the window. They have all obviously had Woody as a costumer in the past.
Woody: Hmmm... nobody's open today. A-ha! Now, THERE'S a place I've never eaten before!
Woody sees "WALLY'S LUNCH COUNTER". There's a sign in the window: "Grand Opening Today". Inside we see the owner: Wally Walrus.
Woody: Hot diggity dog! Food! That's my favorite dish!
Wally: By yimeny, I finally got my store open!
(Wally sees Woody running towards his store)
Wally: Oh goodie, goodie, goodie! A customer!
(Woody arrives promtly and starts pounding on the table)
Woody: FOOD! FOOD! I WANT FOOD!
Wally: Welcome to "Wally's Lunch Counter." Can I help you, voodpecker?
Woody: Hiya fatboy! How about a menu!
Wally: Menu?
Woody: Yeah, menu, you know, M-E-N-N-YOU! Menu!
Wally: Vhy, sure!
(Wally hands him a menu)
Woody: Humm, this is a toughy, oh well, just order one of everything and hold the onions!
Wally: Vhy sure, Mr. Voodpecker!
(Later, a very tired Wally hands Woody all of the food)
Wally: There! That's the last of it Mr. Voodpecker.
Woody: Mmm, mmm, guess I'll start in and fill up!
(Woody eats all the food quickly)
Wally: Don't vorget to pay the bill Mr. Voodpecker.
(Wally hands Woody the bill which is $10000000000000000, P.S. 00000000000000.00)
Woody's eyeballs pop out and jaw drops.
Woody: B-buh-buh-buh-but mac! I can't pay that kind of money!
Wally: Well, than, Mr. Moocher, you can wash the dishes then, by golly!
Woody: Uh, wait a minute, let me make a quick phone call.
Woody dashes to phone booth in lobby of restaurant, and dials number.
Woody: Hello, Andy Panda?
Andy: Yeah, what's up Woody?
Woody: Listen, I need you to come over to this eatery called WALLY'S LUNCH COUNTER!
Andy: Yeah, and why should I?
Woody: Because if you do, you'll get food!
Andy: Oh, boy! Can I bring Miranda over! I'm taking her out on a date any way!
Woody: Uh sure, bring Chilly Willy too!
Andy: Sure thing, Woody! See ya later!
Woody hangs up phone.
Woody: Now for another phone call....
Woody dials another number.
Woody: Hello, Buzz Buzzard? I need you to come over to this eatery called WALLY'S LUNCH COUNTER!
Buzz: Yeah, and why should I?
Woody: Because if you do, you'll get food! And LOTS of food!
Buzz: Okay, I'll be right over!
(Woody hangs up phone)
Woody: Now for just one last phone call....
(Woody dials another number)
Woody: Hello, Oswald?
Oswald: Yup.
Woody: I need you to come over to this eatery called WALLY'S LUNCH COUNTER!
Oswald: Yeah, and why should I?
Woody: Repetitive, isn't this? Because if you do, you'll get food! And LOTS of food!
Oswald: Okay, I'll be right over!
Woody: Okay, see ya!
Woody: Oops, I forgot to tell Buzz the most important thing!
Woody dials Buzz's number again, but doesn't get an answer. He tries his cell phone and gets a hold of him.
Buzz: WHAT?!
Woody: Buzz, I forgot to tell you...
Buzz: Not now Woodpecker, I'm busy!
Woody: But I thought you were going to...
Buzz: I am, I... uh, just gotta finish a job first... hang on a second.
Buzz puts his cell phone in his pocket. It turns out his "job" is robbing a bank.
Buzz: Yeah that's right, chump, put ALL the money in the bag, or I'll blast ya fulla holes so much, you'll deflate like a balloon! Er, hang on a second...
Buzz takes out cell phone, and talks back to Woody.
Buzz: Look, shorty, I'll be there in like an hour!
Woody: AN HOUR?! Well, hurry up then, and bring one of your machine guns, just make sure it's not loaded!
Buzz: Oh don't worry, it won't be loaded, heh, heh, heh, heh, uh oh, (low voice)the cops! I'll see you later!
Woody: Fine, bye!
Woody hangs up phone.
Woody: I don't even wanna know what that last line meant...
Wally Walrus: Enough talk, Voodpecker! Now pay the bill!
Woody: Well, ah, er... hey, look out there, tubby! You've got a whooole bunch of customers!
Wally: Oh, goodie, goodie! Customers!!
(He turns back to Woody): But I'm not finished with you, voodpecker!
Andy Panda, Miranda Panda, Chilly Willy, Smedley, and Oswald enter Wally's Lunch Counter.
Andy: Hi, Woody! Where's this food you were talking about?
Woody: Yeah! The food! It's the greatest! This restaurant is the best I have ever eaten at!
Wally (getting embarrassed): Awww... you really mean it?
Andy: Come on, Miranda! Let's get a seat!
Smedley: Chilly wants to know if you sell hotcakes!
Wally: Oh, of course!
Oswald: Hey, how about some service over here?
Wally: In a minute! Wow, Business is booming!
Woody: Hmm... I wonder where Buzz is?
(Later, Buzz arrives late)
Woody: Buzz, you're exactly, one hour, ten minutes, and five seconds late! What we're you doin'?
Buzz: Never mind, shrimp!
(Buzz pulls out an oversized gun)
Buzz: Hold it! And nobody move!
(Buzz goes up to the counter)
Buzz: Hey, Fatso, fix me a large ice cream sundae with five helpins' of whipped cream, chocolate syrip, and coco nut shavings. Now! Fix it! Before I kill ya!
(Buzz starts shooting his gun with real bullets)
Wally: Okay, right away!
meanwhile, outside of the diner, swarms of police cars show up...
Police Chief type fellow: Okay Buzz, we know you're in there! Come out and nobody gets hurt!
Buzz: You'll never take me alive!
Police Chief type fellow (to other polieman): Do any of you object to taking him dead rather than alive?
all the policemen nod no...
Buzz starts firing his machine gun out the window and policemen start firing into the diner.
Woody: Oh boy, what a mess I've gotten us into. Any ideas what we should do?
Smedley: Chilly still wants hotcakes. (Chilly happily nods)
Oswald: Oh, boo hoo, let me play Chilly a song on the world's smallest violin!
Oswald begins playing with his fingers, really soft violin music.
Smedley: Knock it off, rabbit!
Oswald: No really, this IS the world's smallest violin!
Close up on Oswald's hand of a SUPER tiny violin.
Woody: Hey guys, er, girls, er, uh, fictional animated cartoon animals, come here, I've got an idea! (Woody whispers into everybody's ears)
Woody: Does that plan sound okay to everybody?
All: Yeah!
Woody: How about you, Chilly! Okay?
Chilly: Okay!
Woody: Alright?
Chilly: Alright!
Andy: By the way, Woody, why the heck did you invite us here in the first place?!?
Woody: Uhhh, I forget. I think it had something to do with Wally taking your orders, Buzz coming in and pretending to do a hold-up, and me getting the heck out of here. That sort of got lost in the script...
Later...
Woody appears dressed in drag.
Woody: Yooooo-hoooooo, Buzzy-Wuzzy!
Buzz looks over and immediately stops firing his machine gun.
Buzz: WOW! WHAT A DAME!
Woody: I was wondering, I'm a damsel in distress, and I need one measley little quarter to call a cab!
Buzz: *WOLF WHISTLE* Uh, you don't need a cab baby!
Woody: I DON'T?
Buzz: No, I'll take ya off 'yer feet, sweety pie!
Woody: Uh-oh! Uh, toodles!
Buzz chases Woody around kitchen, in and out of doors of kitchen. Eventually, Woody stops, and Buzz crashes into Wally.
Wally: Ooo, ya crashed me into me, ya crooked tangled criminal!
Buzz: Watch where you're goin', tubby! HUH! My ice cream sundae! Why you tub of lard.
Buzz slams Wally into wall with machine gun, and is about to pull the trigger, when........
......Wally throws ice cream sundaes in his face
Wally: By yimeny, I never knew I had it in me!
(Woody takes off his costume)
Woody: That a boy, Tubby!
Wally: Who are ya callin', Tubby, voodpecker?
Woody: Uh....nobody........he, he.
Wally: Very funny, voodpecker. Now, I'll show ya, by golly!
(Wally is about to thow a cream pie in Woody's face, when Woody pecks at his head)
Woody: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! If ya want ta hit me with a pie, Fatso, ya gotta catch me foist!
Wally: Why, that little.......I'll......I'll.........
(Wally grabs his shot gun and starts chasing Woody)
Woody: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You'll NEVER catch me, ya 50-pound tub of Crisco!
(Mealwhile, under the table)
Andy: What the heck happened to the plan?
Miranda: There WAS a PLAN?
Oswald: I don't know! I remember it had something to do with hotcakes! Anyway, I got so hungry, that I ate the world's smallest violin!
Smedley: Speaking of which, Chilly STILL wants hotcakes!
(Chilly jumps up and down and claps happily)
Wally with rifle gets Woody into a corner.
Wally: Now, I got you and I'll make you pay your bill OR ELSE!
Just then the police come in. Inspector Willoughby points to the knocked out Buzz Buzzard.
Inspector Willoughby: There he is, boys. Take him away. Good work, fellows. We've been after that ol' crook, Buzz Buzzard for a long time. Mister Woodpecker and Mister Walrus, here's a small reward for your bravery... (he hands Woody and Wally two bags of money that reads: "$10000000000000000, P.S. 00000000000000.00")
Woody: WOW!!!
Wally grabs Woody's bag of cash.
Wally: Vell, vell, vell.... vhat do you know, Mister smarty-voodpecker... just enough to pay for your bill...
Woody: WHAT????!!!
Andy: Uh-oh, Woody looks really ticked, Wally! Now he's gonna go crazy!
The top of Woody's head pops off and he goes crazy, doing his laugh madly.
Woody: Okay, tubby! Let's see ya deal with this!
Woody grabs a huge pile of dynamite and is about to push the detonator.
Miranda Panda: Run, that bird's gone crazy!
Andy: You mean he's not crazy all the time?
Chilly: Aww I'm gettin' out of here, all I wanted was hotcakes!
Everyone runs out of diner, as Woody pushes the detonator.
BLAM!
The building is turned to burning ashes. Woody proceeds to go crazy down the street.
Miranda: That's it, Andy! I'm never going out with you again, if some homicidal psycho bird invites us to a restraunt!
Andy: I know he's a phycho, but I didn't know he was homicidal!
Andy and Miranda walk away arguing.
Smedley: Well, boy, I guess you still want those hotcakes, huh?
Chilly nods his head happily.
Smedley: Well, all right, we'll go over to my place and I'll fix you some, okay?
Chilly: Okay!
Smedley: All right?
Chilly: All right!
This continues as Smedley and Chilly walk away.
Wally: Vell, I still got the money, now I can move out of this dump! Sweeden, here I come!
Oswald: Hi, remember me? I'm in this fan fic too.............................................................................................................................Well, since you were daring enough to read this far, some Walter Lantz character only hard-core fans have heard of should appear................
Just then, Doc the Cat walks on screen.
Oswald: See what I mean?
Doc: Hello, Oswald, what happened to this establishment? I was ready for a full-hearty meal!
Oswald: Woody blew it up!
Doc: Oh, phooey. Oh well, once a rowdy, always a rowdy......
Iris out
THE END
By Thad Komorowski, Pietro Shakarian, Jon Cooke, and Jack Tatay
All characters are copyrighted by Universal
We open on a nice, sunny day... our hero, Woody Woodpecker, is seen coming down the street singing:
Woody (singing): Everybody thinks I'm cra-zee!
Yessiree, that's me, that's me,
When I go an eatery,
The waiters all get panicky!
Knock on wood!
*KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK*
A-well, knock on woo-ood!
So I'm hungry...
So what, what, what, can I do?
I ask you!
(spoken) Boy, oh, boy! Am I hungry! I wonder what time it is?
He looks at his watch. The hand is pointing to "LUNCH TIME".
Woody: Now, what do I want to eat??
As he walks down the street, every resturant owner quickly puts a "CLOSED" sign in the window. They have all obviously had Woody as a costumer in the past.
Woody: Hmmm... nobody's open today. A-ha! Now, THERE'S a place I've never eaten before!
Woody sees "WALLY'S LUNCH COUNTER". There's a sign in the window: "Grand Opening Today". Inside we see the owner: Wally Walrus.
Woody: Hot diggity dog! Food! That's my favorite dish!
Wally: By yimeny, I finally got my store open!
(Wally sees Woody running towards his store)
Wally: Oh goodie, goodie, goodie! A customer!
(Woody arrives promtly and starts pounding on the table)
Woody: FOOD! FOOD! I WANT FOOD!
Wally: Welcome to "Wally's Lunch Counter." Can I help you, voodpecker?
Woody: Hiya fatboy! How about a menu!
Wally: Menu?
Woody: Yeah, menu, you know, M-E-N-N-YOU! Menu!
Wally: Vhy, sure!
(Wally hands him a menu)
Woody: Humm, this is a toughy, oh well, just order one of everything and hold the onions!
Wally: Vhy sure, Mr. Voodpecker!
(Later, a very tired Wally hands Woody all of the food)
Wally: There! That's the last of it Mr. Voodpecker.
Woody: Mmm, mmm, guess I'll start in and fill up!
(Woody eats all the food quickly)
Wally: Don't vorget to pay the bill Mr. Voodpecker.
(Wally hands Woody the bill which is $10000000000000000, P.S. 00000000000000.00)
Woody's eyeballs pop out and jaw drops.
Woody: B-buh-buh-buh-but mac! I can't pay that kind of money!
Wally: Well, than, Mr. Moocher, you can wash the dishes then, by golly!
Woody: Uh, wait a minute, let me make a quick phone call.
Woody dashes to phone booth in lobby of restaurant, and dials number.
Woody: Hello, Andy Panda?
Andy: Yeah, what's up Woody?
Woody: Listen, I need you to come over to this eatery called WALLY'S LUNCH COUNTER!
Andy: Yeah, and why should I?
Woody: Because if you do, you'll get food!
Andy: Oh, boy! Can I bring Miranda over! I'm taking her out on a date any way!
Woody: Uh sure, bring Chilly Willy too!
Andy: Sure thing, Woody! See ya later!
Woody hangs up phone.
Woody: Now for another phone call....
Woody dials another number.
Woody: Hello, Buzz Buzzard? I need you to come over to this eatery called WALLY'S LUNCH COUNTER!
Buzz: Yeah, and why should I?
Woody: Because if you do, you'll get food! And LOTS of food!
Buzz: Okay, I'll be right over!
(Woody hangs up phone)
Woody: Now for just one last phone call....
(Woody dials another number)
Woody: Hello, Oswald?
Oswald: Yup.
Woody: I need you to come over to this eatery called WALLY'S LUNCH COUNTER!
Oswald: Yeah, and why should I?
Woody: Repetitive, isn't this? Because if you do, you'll get food! And LOTS of food!
Oswald: Okay, I'll be right over!
Woody: Okay, see ya!
Woody: Oops, I forgot to tell Buzz the most important thing!
Woody dials Buzz's number again, but doesn't get an answer. He tries his cell phone and gets a hold of him.
Buzz: WHAT?!
Woody: Buzz, I forgot to tell you...
Buzz: Not now Woodpecker, I'm busy!
Woody: But I thought you were going to...
Buzz: I am, I... uh, just gotta finish a job first... hang on a second.
Buzz puts his cell phone in his pocket. It turns out his "job" is robbing a bank.
Buzz: Yeah that's right, chump, put ALL the money in the bag, or I'll blast ya fulla holes so much, you'll deflate like a balloon! Er, hang on a second...
Buzz takes out cell phone, and talks back to Woody.
Buzz: Look, shorty, I'll be there in like an hour!
Woody: AN HOUR?! Well, hurry up then, and bring one of your machine guns, just make sure it's not loaded!
Buzz: Oh don't worry, it won't be loaded, heh, heh, heh, heh, uh oh, (low voice)the cops! I'll see you later!
Woody: Fine, bye!
Woody hangs up phone.
Woody: I don't even wanna know what that last line meant...
Wally Walrus: Enough talk, Voodpecker! Now pay the bill!
Woody: Well, ah, er... hey, look out there, tubby! You've got a whooole bunch of customers!
Wally: Oh, goodie, goodie! Customers!!
(He turns back to Woody): But I'm not finished with you, voodpecker!
Andy Panda, Miranda Panda, Chilly Willy, Smedley, and Oswald enter Wally's Lunch Counter.
Andy: Hi, Woody! Where's this food you were talking about?
Woody: Yeah! The food! It's the greatest! This restaurant is the best I have ever eaten at!
Wally (getting embarrassed): Awww... you really mean it?
Andy: Come on, Miranda! Let's get a seat!
Smedley: Chilly wants to know if you sell hotcakes!
Wally: Oh, of course!
Oswald: Hey, how about some service over here?
Wally: In a minute! Wow, Business is booming!
Woody: Hmm... I wonder where Buzz is?
(Later, Buzz arrives late)
Woody: Buzz, you're exactly, one hour, ten minutes, and five seconds late! What we're you doin'?
Buzz: Never mind, shrimp!
(Buzz pulls out an oversized gun)
Buzz: Hold it! And nobody move!
(Buzz goes up to the counter)
Buzz: Hey, Fatso, fix me a large ice cream sundae with five helpins' of whipped cream, chocolate syrip, and coco nut shavings. Now! Fix it! Before I kill ya!
(Buzz starts shooting his gun with real bullets)
Wally: Okay, right away!
meanwhile, outside of the diner, swarms of police cars show up...
Police Chief type fellow: Okay Buzz, we know you're in there! Come out and nobody gets hurt!
Buzz: You'll never take me alive!
Police Chief type fellow (to other polieman): Do any of you object to taking him dead rather than alive?
all the policemen nod no...
Buzz starts firing his machine gun out the window and policemen start firing into the diner.
Woody: Oh boy, what a mess I've gotten us into. Any ideas what we should do?
Smedley: Chilly still wants hotcakes. (Chilly happily nods)
Oswald: Oh, boo hoo, let me play Chilly a song on the world's smallest violin!
Oswald begins playing with his fingers, really soft violin music.
Smedley: Knock it off, rabbit!
Oswald: No really, this IS the world's smallest violin!
Close up on Oswald's hand of a SUPER tiny violin.
Woody: Hey guys, er, girls, er, uh, fictional animated cartoon animals, come here, I've got an idea! (Woody whispers into everybody's ears)
Woody: Does that plan sound okay to everybody?
All: Yeah!
Woody: How about you, Chilly! Okay?
Chilly: Okay!
Woody: Alright?
Chilly: Alright!
Andy: By the way, Woody, why the heck did you invite us here in the first place?!?
Woody: Uhhh, I forget. I think it had something to do with Wally taking your orders, Buzz coming in and pretending to do a hold-up, and me getting the heck out of here. That sort of got lost in the script...
Later...
Woody appears dressed in drag.
Woody: Yooooo-hoooooo, Buzzy-Wuzzy!
Buzz looks over and immediately stops firing his machine gun.
Buzz: WOW! WHAT A DAME!
Woody: I was wondering, I'm a damsel in distress, and I need one measley little quarter to call a cab!
Buzz: *WOLF WHISTLE* Uh, you don't need a cab baby!
Woody: I DON'T?
Buzz: No, I'll take ya off 'yer feet, sweety pie!
Woody: Uh-oh! Uh, toodles!
Buzz chases Woody around kitchen, in and out of doors of kitchen. Eventually, Woody stops, and Buzz crashes into Wally.
Wally: Ooo, ya crashed me into me, ya crooked tangled criminal!
Buzz: Watch where you're goin', tubby! HUH! My ice cream sundae! Why you tub of lard.
Buzz slams Wally into wall with machine gun, and is about to pull the trigger, when........
......Wally throws ice cream sundaes in his face
Wally: By yimeny, I never knew I had it in me!
(Woody takes off his costume)
Woody: That a boy, Tubby!
Wally: Who are ya callin', Tubby, voodpecker?
Woody: Uh....nobody........he, he.
Wally: Very funny, voodpecker. Now, I'll show ya, by golly!
(Wally is about to thow a cream pie in Woody's face, when Woody pecks at his head)
Woody: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! If ya want ta hit me with a pie, Fatso, ya gotta catch me foist!
Wally: Why, that little.......I'll......I'll.........
(Wally grabs his shot gun and starts chasing Woody)
Woody: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You'll NEVER catch me, ya 50-pound tub of Crisco!
(Mealwhile, under the table)
Andy: What the heck happened to the plan?
Miranda: There WAS a PLAN?
Oswald: I don't know! I remember it had something to do with hotcakes! Anyway, I got so hungry, that I ate the world's smallest violin!
Smedley: Speaking of which, Chilly STILL wants hotcakes!
(Chilly jumps up and down and claps happily)
Wally with rifle gets Woody into a corner.
Wally: Now, I got you and I'll make you pay your bill OR ELSE!
Just then the police come in. Inspector Willoughby points to the knocked out Buzz Buzzard.
Inspector Willoughby: There he is, boys. Take him away. Good work, fellows. We've been after that ol' crook, Buzz Buzzard for a long time. Mister Woodpecker and Mister Walrus, here's a small reward for your bravery... (he hands Woody and Wally two bags of money that reads: "$10000000000000000, P.S. 00000000000000.00")
Woody: WOW!!!
Wally grabs Woody's bag of cash.
Wally: Vell, vell, vell.... vhat do you know, Mister smarty-voodpecker... just enough to pay for your bill...
Woody: WHAT????!!!
Andy: Uh-oh, Woody looks really ticked, Wally! Now he's gonna go crazy!
The top of Woody's head pops off and he goes crazy, doing his laugh madly.
Woody: Okay, tubby! Let's see ya deal with this!
Woody grabs a huge pile of dynamite and is about to push the detonator.
Miranda Panda: Run, that bird's gone crazy!
Andy: You mean he's not crazy all the time?
Chilly: Aww I'm gettin' out of here, all I wanted was hotcakes!
Everyone runs out of diner, as Woody pushes the detonator.
BLAM!
The building is turned to burning ashes. Woody proceeds to go crazy down the street.
Miranda: That's it, Andy! I'm never going out with you again, if some homicidal psycho bird invites us to a restraunt!
Andy: I know he's a phycho, but I didn't know he was homicidal!
Andy and Miranda walk away arguing.
Smedley: Well, boy, I guess you still want those hotcakes, huh?
Chilly nods his head happily.
Smedley: Well, all right, we'll go over to my place and I'll fix you some, okay?
Chilly: Okay!
Smedley: All right?
Chilly: All right!
This continues as Smedley and Chilly walk away.
Wally: Vell, I still got the money, now I can move out of this dump! Sweeden, here I come!
Oswald: Hi, remember me? I'm in this fan fic too.............................................................................................................................Well, since you were daring enough to read this far, some Walter Lantz character only hard-core fans have heard of should appear................
Just then, Doc the Cat walks on screen.
Oswald: See what I mean?
Doc: Hello, Oswald, what happened to this establishment? I was ready for a full-hearty meal!
Oswald: Woody blew it up!
Doc: Oh, phooey. Oh well, once a rowdy, always a rowdy......
Iris out
THE END