He first noticed him on a Sunday afternoon, 5.30 PM. That loud and boisterous laugh immediately caught his attention, pulling Ivan out of his peaceful reverie. Ruffing his wings, Ivan peeked over the cloud on which he held guard over the world beneath.
Just another human. Healthy, in the prime of his life. He sported a dazzling smile and the bluest eyes Ivan had ever seen. Nothing wrong with him otherwise, so the divine creature quickly forgot about the person named Alfred.
xoxox
The second time he noticed Alfred was on a Monday in the winter. The blond was huddled up in a thick coat, nose flushed red and eyes squeezed shut to protect themselves against the biting wind. For some reason Ivan found himself getting curious.
Did Alfred know how much longer he had to live? Was he happy with the life he had lived up until this very moment? Was he even the slightest bit aware of the angel looking down upon him?
Angels were curious creatures. They had no real emotions, but still felt a sort of awe for the wonderful creation that was mankind. Protecting them, keeping watch over them, sometimes an angel felt the sudden urge to join them. Take a leap of faith, cast off their wings and become mortal.
Ivan himself had never considered doing such a foolish thing. He didn't need these things, these emotions. He had heard far too much about them.
Fear. Hatred. Betrayal. Shame. Lust. Anger. Sadness. All so very loathsome.
Yet as he watched Alfred scrunch up his nose, mouth twitching, and a sneeze escaped so loud it sounded like a gunshot, he had to think about the good emotions too.
Excitement. Joy. Gratitude. Hope. Awe. Satisfaction. Relief. True happiness. And of course, love.
Love. The most complex emotion there existed. Angels couldn't understand it. Didn't have the emotional capacities to understand it.
And yet…
xoxox
The seventh time Ivan saw Alfred, the human was in a fight with someone. Glass objects were thrown across the room, insults and growls permeating the air around them. They were like animals, the way they circled around each other and their eyes flashed fire.
Ivan didn't understand. They said they loved each other before. Then how could they hurt each other so?
The other's hand shot forward. The loud noise silenced the world, as if someone turned down the volume.
Ivan watched with growing confusion as Alfred slowly kneeled down, a hand placed firmly over the wounded spot. His so-called boyfriend realized his mistake, gasping and kneeling down to try and apologize. Alfred simply pushed him away, shutting himself off from any more harm.
Ivan didn't care about that man. All he could see was his precious little child of the sun.
And how his blue eyes overflowed with wetness.
xoxox
The fifteenth time Ivan watched Alfred, he knew what he had to do.
Alfred was sitting alone in a garden, pathetically bundled up in a corner against the fence. Tears had stained his face, and he was trembling. Break-ups were never pretty, but Alfred felt particularly desperate after this one.
And Ivan couldn't stand seeing him like that. He didn't know how to feel anger, yet he wanted to go to Alfred's ex and bash his face him. He wanted that beautiful boy to be comforted and embraced, wanted to touch his soft cheeks and tell him he was every bit worth it.
Ivan knew he wanted to experience the emotion they called love. He wanted to, for Alfred. For that precious little thing, who deserved it more than anyone.
Ivan would have said it was his altruistic side that made him do it. The desire to help humans, to protect them and keep them from harm. It wasn't his fault he wanted to do it just that bit more for Alfred. It wasn't his fault a strange, unknown desire constricted his heart when he saw Alfred cry.
So he looked back at the clouds one final time, spreading his wings as some sort of goodbye.
Next thing he knew was a new, all-overpowering feeling. It burned through his body, set his muscles on fire.
So that was what pain felt like. It wasn't exactly fun, Ivan had to admit.
"Hey! Dude, you okay? You fell right out of the sky!"
Ivan opened his eyes, biting through the blinding waves and sensations of a huge loss.
He had landed in the garden in which Alfred was hiding. Right into the patch of sunflowers this angel had fallen, at the feet of the one he so desired to meet.
Alfred was even more stunning from up close. Big, tear-filled eyes, sun-kissed skin and golden hair.
"Beautiful," Ivan whispered, before losing consciousness.
xoxox
Ivan woke up feeling safe and warm, his body only slightly aching from the previous fall. When his eyes fluttered open and took in the sunlight, it was like seeing for the first time. Like being reborn.
So this is what living felt like.
"Oh, you're awake!"
Ivan tore his eyes away from the window and searched for the source of that familiar voice. Alfred hesitantly shuffled into the room, cup of coffee held delicately between his fingers.
"Sorry about the ugly PJs. Your thingy got ripped when I dragged you inside, and they were the only clothes I had your size."
Ivan lifted up his blanket, curiously studying the mouse-like creature on his oversized shirt. When Alfred looked away in embarrassment, he took his chance to slip a hand over his shoulder and under his shirt, touching the empty space where once his wings had been attached to his body.
That slumbering feeling of loss flared for a moment, but he could live with it.
Alfred was worth so much more than a set of wings.
To give meaning to his sudden delight, Ivan surged up and captured Alfred in a breath-taking hug.
"Eep!"
Ivan sighed happily, taking in the feel of his warm skin, the scents and sensations.
"D-dude? You sure you're okay?"
Ivan giggled, rejoicing in the blissful sound it created.
"More than okay, Alfred. For I think I have fallen for you."
xoxox
Ivan held the pack of ice against his eye. He was undoubtedly sulking while Alfred paced up and down his kitchen. The boy's cheeks were flushed, his eyebrows drawn together in a stubborn frown.
"Okay, so either you're just lying or you escaped from a mental institute. Or maybe you're an alien- you're not an alien right?"
"No," Ivan sighed, pouting when Alfred didn't dare to look him in the eye.
"Then you must be insane! Because angels just don't exist!"
Ivan moaned pathetically and got up. The t-shirt he wore barely reached the bottom of his boxers, and made him look quite ridiculous – ridiculously cute, but Alfred would never admit that. He wasn't ready to feel his heart pound at seeing some crazy weirdo who had fallen straight from the heavens into his garden, into his arms as a matter of speech, and who claimed to be an angel. Because angels simply didn't exist, even if all the signs pointed to Ivan speaking the truth.
"How to make you see…" the creature sighed again, his (beautiful) lavender eyes wandering over Alfred's disturbed features.
"Well if you were really an angel, then why don't you have any wings?" Alfred asked, lighting up victoriously at finding a loophole. Ivan's next smile was bittersweet.
"I gave them up for you."
Alfred's face then turned so red it would make cars stop. He slowly backed away when Ivan advanced on him, looking equally as gentle as Alfred was afraid.
He didn't get scared easily, but this man freaked him out. This- this thing, skin paler than snow, eyes an inhuman colour, hair practically glowing silver. He reminded of the moon, of snowy tundra, of light and pain and passion. He reminded of heaven.
But no! Ivan couldn't possibly be telling the truth! Alfred wasn't going to lose his mind over some handsome stranger! Not after everything he'd gone through with his previous boyfriend, not after hearing the words of a madman. He didn't need this, didn't want this, didn't deserve it.
Alfred's breath caught when he was trapped between Ivan's strong body and the wall, the other's breath reeking of sunlight and happiness- if that even made sense.
"I have fallen for you, Alfred. I have seen your sadness, watched you when you were happy and afraid and angry. I know you want to be loved, desire to be cherished, and that your lover couldn't give you those things. Please Alfred, I beg of you. You might not immediately believe me, but I truly care about you. Please, let me love you…"
Alfred's eyes widened, and in a flash he shoved Ivan off. The ex-angel fell to the ground as hurried feet ran past him, slamming the door shut and running up the stairs.
'Well that could have gone better,' Ivan grumbled to himself, staring up at the ceiling.
xoxox
As by miracle, Alfred didn't kick Ivan out of his home. They did create a strict unspoken rule not to mention the a-word again, nor did they talk about Ivan's knowledge of Alfred.
The boy took him out shopping for clothes, fed him and introduced him to the wonders of television.
"Why are you doing this?" Ivan asked in the evening, a steaming plate of microwaved lasagne sitting in front of him.
"Just because I want to-" 'To keep my mind off things.'
Ivan understood. Alfred didn't really want to have anything to do with the stalker who claimed to be a supernatural being. He just wanted a reason to forget about his heartbreak.
It made Ivan so enraged he wanted to punch a hole through the wall. Nobody was allowed to hurt his little sun so.
"And what will you be doing next?" Alfred asked, cutting into his food as if it were a concrete brick.
"What do you mean?"
"You know. You can't stay here forever. Have to leave sometime. I let you stay so you could rest a bit, but you can't exactly keep living here."
Ivan's eyes saddened. When he took his leap of faith, he hadn't for a moment thought about the consequences. What would happen if Alfred didn't return his feelings- or lack thereof.
Did he truly love Alfred? Was this how it was meant to be? When you loved someone, didn't you just have to say so and then you two could ride off into the sunset? Where was Ivan's happy ending?
"Hey, you okay?"
Ivan flinched, blinking when salty tears rolled over his cheeks. He brought a hand up and touched the wetness, surprise and shock evident in his expression.
Nothing was going as planned. Not only did Alfred not love him back, he didn't even believe his story. Ivan could never go back to his life as an angel. He was lost, defeated, a stupid child in a world he didn't understand, even after having studied it for so many years.
Falling for someone wasn't a fun experience at all.
Ivan scooted back when Alfred reached out. He didn't want pity. He was here to comfort Alfred, not be comforted by him.
"I have to go," he managed to say, sentence cracking in odd places.
"Ivan wait!"
The being held a hand to his face, hiding the treacherous tears from curious onlookers. He sped out of the house and onto the streets.
He had to leave, had to get out. Alfred didn't want him, Alfred didn't-
"Look out!"
His head snapped to the side, and he froze when big lights enveloped his world. Like a deer in the headlight, he was cut off from his thoughts, his senses, his impulses to react.
A loud screeching noise, and then everything became black.
xoxox
Ivan groaned when his skull throbbed painfully.
"Ah, you're awake! Thank the Dark Lord!"
"Where am I?"
He opened his eyes, expecting to see the sun or the inside of Alfred's house. Instead, he looked up at red skies and pitch black smoke. Where was he?!
"Over here big guy!"
He looked down, finding himself spread-eagle on the ground. Lying casually at his feet was-
"Alfred?"
The other grinned, lips stretching far and wide.
No, not Alfred. This being gave of an entirely different feel. Yet they looked exactly the same.
"I'm whoever you want me to be babe. But I'm just like, sooooooo glad you finally came! I've been waiting forever dude!"
"Where am I?" Ivan asked again, letting his voice rumble through the much too warm room or cavern or whatever this place was supposed to be.
Fake-Alfred grimaced before bending over, pushing himself flush against Ivan's body and curling up over his chest like a cat.
"Where do you think Ivy? Isn't it a little obvious? What's the last thing you remember?"
"Last thing I-"
Oh no.
The demon – for Ivan now knew what he was – smiled up at him with playful glistening eyes.
"Fallen angels can never return to heaven."
Ivan wanted to cry, but instead he shut his eyes.
Not only had he lost his sole purpose, now that he had also lost his love there was this, this thing, cruelly mocking his suffering.
"Why do you look like him?" he hissed, biting through the pain that shot through his wrists and feet, binding him to this world.
The demon cooed at him, caressing his temples and letting curious fingers thread through his hair.
"Angels aren't the only ones that can fall," he whispered in a husky voice, before forcefully pressing their mouths together. "And now that you're here, I'm never letting you go Ivy."
Ivan gasped, glaring at the other with all the hatred he could muster.
"Leave me alone. I do not want your love, I do not want-"
"You don't want me to force my love upon you the way you forced Alfred?" the despicable being interrupted him, grinning when Ivan was instantly silenced.
"It is not the same-"
"How?"
Ivan couldn't answer. For the other was absolutely right. Alfred had never asked for Ivan to fall for him, it was entirely Ivan's responsibility. Just like it was his own stupid fault that in the end, he ended up in this godforsaken hellhole.
He could now see how naïve he had been.
"Just take me instead," fake-Alfred purred, letting lips nips at his jawline and a forked tail slide across his leg.
"I will love you until the end of time babe, unconditionally. I don't care if you don't love me back. You want Alfred, don't you? Well then, let me be your Alfred."
Ivan wanted to resist. He truly did.
But in the end, what did it even matter?
"Fine," he sighed, not caring about his soul at the moment. It was already defiled anyway.
The demon grinned one final time before teaching him about even more emotions, things Ivan had never thought himself capable of feeling.
"You'll be glad I have fallen for you, my precious angel."