HEADCANON WHERE JOHN CONSTANTINE IS FRANTIC ABOUT GETTING HIS SOUL BACK, AND PLEADS WITH GOD (CHUCK SHURLEY) TO SAVE HIS SORRY ASS:
So I might have written this thing based off of a friends head canon….. just maybe… heehee. She gave me permission of course. Begged actually... So I figure… It's new years eve, I'm a hermit, I have nothing better to do, so why the fuck not!? So here you go my dear John. This is for YOU.
(P.S. the title is a play on the fact that he's doing this to get OUT of damnation, but hey, having sex with God has GOT to be like… the most SINFUL and damnable act possible, right?!)
I'm Going To Hell For This
"All right…. Fine. 'ere goes nuthin…" John Constantine said as he paced in the empty aisle of a church hall. He pressed his steepled finger tips to the bridge of his nose and rubbed them against his knotted brow as he comprised his words with care. He let out a frantic sigh and kicked the thin red carpet before turning to walk to the doors, almost deciding to leave. But as he touched the doorknob, he paused… what did he have left to lose? What did it even matter if he grovelled… He was bound for hell. Might as well try everything… He sighed and spun around. He stepped briskly down the aisle and fell to his knees and called out to the altar head thrown back.
"Come on mate! Ya' gotta help me. I don' have anyone else to turn to...!" John listened, his eyes searching for a sign. He waited for minutes, hoping, praying… Then, he hung his head. Even God had abandoned him, left him to be damned. "Well, thanks for nuthin' mate…" He said and struggled with a grunt to his feet, and slowly turned away from the altar in defeat.
"Well, you don't actually think you deserve a second chance do you?" The voice came from behind John. Not a loud and booming voice, but one that sounded a bit rough and homely. Something the sounded more like a storytellers voice, than that of a heavenly rulers.
John slowly turned around and looked at the man who now stood at the edge of the stairs in front of the altar. He had a scruffy face, and a soft expression, aged eyes, but blue as the clear summer sky. He tilted his head, and his brow melted into a sympathetic gaze.
"You came?" John questioned rather quizzically.
"Well, I'm not just anyone. But I figured I'd do." The man grinned and stepped down the stairs towards Constantine.
"You… you're God?" Constantine said and stared at the man as he came closer.
"Well, I am the one you called for, aren't I?" He smirked and stopped just feet away. He scanned the building, looking at it a small smile on his face. "Hmm, nice church. St. Augustine's made in the 1800's…. It's got all the original stained glass windows. Good choice." He said and then finally looked back at John.
John was silent. What was he to say? God just appeared before him, and complimented him on his choice of church. God realized this and sighed before continuing to speak.
"Oh please don't be like that, everyone is. Just call me Chuck if it helps you get past the deer in headlights bit. I'd much rather have an actual conversation, rather than as if I'm talking to a mute."
John blinked and cleared his throat. "C-Chuck? Well, then…"
"Yep, well, no need to repeat yourself, I know what you want. You want your soul. I CAN get it back to you. But let's just say I have conditions." John suddenly looked apprehensive and like he doubted Chuck's intentions. Chuck smirked coyly. "Oh don't panic! It's nothing harmful, or unpleasant. I just want you to fuck me. And we can call it even. You get your soul, and I get to relieve some built up sexual tension. What do you say?"
John was shocked to say the least; he had never met God before. (Obviously.) But he hadn't expected this to be the behaviour of God, NOR the appearance of said divine entity. But, if John was honest, he wasn't half bad. Underneath those layers of clothes, he probably had some muscles, and his skin looked smooth and clear. Maybe this would be a bit fun…
"So if I…. with you…." John said while motioning his finger between the two of them. Chuck nodded "Then you get your soul and we part our merry ways, and no one will know it happened."
John contemplated for a moment and then smirked. He did like a good fuck, and hey if there was any truth to the statement 'Godlike in bed' he was about to find out first hand.
"Make it double the fucking and you have a deal." John said and held out his hand to shake on it.
Chuck looked at Constantine's hand and smirked. "Oh Johnny boy, don't you think we're beyond the formalities now?" Chuck said and stepped past his outstretched hand and hovered in his personal space. "Well, we better get started; I heard you're on a tight schedule to get that soul of yours back." Chuck smirked and took Johns hand leading him up to the altar to do some more begging and pleading to God… And as Constantine was led up to the altar he found himself thinking…. "I'm going to hell for this…." and he laughed at the irony of getting his soul back through an act very deserving of damnation.
Ende. (or is it?)
(I might continue this in another chapter with the fun stuff... not sure yet...)