Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cause, I can't fight it anymore.
I sit on the floor of my New York apartment, pictures of Kurt and I strewn around. Four months have passed with no contact, but every Saturday night I do the same thing. All of the photo albums Kurt had us make together come off of the bookshelf I keep them on, and I take out the pictures, spreading them out to remind me of the good times we had. I don't know why I do it to myself; it kills me. But I need to remind myself that I once was a lively person. I once had a heart.
On bad nights like tonight I always feel the need to call him and hear his voice. But I tell myself, 'No Blaine, he left you. He doesn't love you anymore', and put the phone back down. Memories of the night he broke things with me lingers in my mind every minute. The yelling about how I was keeping him from his job, the crying about how I never have time for him, the screaming about god knows what… all I was thinking in that moment was how sudden this was. That morning we were sharing stolen kisses in a cafe on 24th street, and when I got home he was packing his suitcases.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind,
For me it happens all the time.
The last thing he said to me was, "I love you, but I just can't do this anymore". I broke down that night. Everything in the apartment Kurt decorated, our bed still had Kurt's cologne on it and he left random things of his lying here and there. Ever since then I've been a depressed man. Nothing, not even music, could make me feel better. My songwriting went down the drain since my muse was gone. My fingers on the piano keys grew stiff and cold without his hands there to warm them up. My lips became pressed into an ever-present frown without him there to make me smile. Even my singing became hoarse, because I had nobody to sing to.
Last I heard he was still in the city, continuing his job as a designer for a clothing line. At first I tried everything to be able to find him somehow, but eventually I gave up. I let him live his life while I live mine.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
So why am I sitting on the floor of my living room by myself at 1:15 in the morning?
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
I won't talk to him, I won't find him, I'll leave him be. I promised myself that. But I'm losing control and if I can't even speak to him I'll be lost forever.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I can't live without him, and I know that. But if I continue to sit here on the floor surrounded in good memories I won't be able to pick myself up from it. But I'll do it next week… next week.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
Every Saturday night I do the same thing; get off work, change my clothes, and go to the Red Viper bar on 24th street. It's become my habit the last four months, after… after the fight. The break up. The cafe we always went to is right across the street from the bar, and I find myself settled in front of the window every week, looking at the door of the cafe and hoping he'll walk through.
"Kurt!" A loud voice yells.
I swivel my chair around to face the bar. It's Tony, the barkeeper. "Yeah?" I ask gruffly.
"You okay man? You're always staring at that coffee shop. Maybe you should go there every week instead of here."
My heart gives a lurch at the words.
"There's no way in hell." I growl, and turn myself back into my usual position, taking a shot of whiskey.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
That cafe is where Blaine and I would go, every Saturday night. That's why I still go somewhere every week. I wonder what he's doing now… But it's not worth it to wonder. He probably has a great boyfriend, he's probably making a bunch of money writing music, he probably has nice friends. It was my fault. I was going through a bunch of bad things in my life, and I blamed it all on him because it was easier than blaming myself. But now I just feel guiltier than I would have before.
Why am I pitying myself? Why make excuses? Why not drink until morning?
"Tony, hit me up with a bottle of liquor, will ya?" I call.
He gives me a strange look, but slides the bottle up to me. I unscrew the lid, and down one fourth of the bottle.
No regrets.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
The alcohol immediately takes effect and my head starts swimming. I hope I can get home in this condition, because whenever I'd get a little drunk Blaine would always be there to carry me back.
Blaine.
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
Maybe I should tell him how I feel, even though we've had no contact since I left. I'm pretty sure I still have his number on my phone…
I fumble putting in my password, and pull up the contacts page where, sure enough, Blaine's name is still on my starred list. I really shouldn't call him because if he wanted to talk he would have called already, and he hasn't. But this is something I want. Something I need.
And I don't know how I could do without, I just need you now.
My head is even fuzzier and I can't regulate all the pros and cons of calling, but to hell with logistical thinking. I just need him, I need him, I need him…
This will probably hurt me more than help me, but I need to make sure that I made the right decision. Or maybe the wrong one.
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
I touch his name at the top of my screen, hold the phone to my ear, and the ringing starts.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
I get myself off of the floor and head to the bedroom, praying that tonight I'll be able to fall asleep when I hear my phone start vibrating from where I left it on the piano. Nobody calls me anymore, so who could it be? I go back to pick it up and all the air leaves my lungs when I see the name on the screen.
Kurt.
Why would he call me? After all these months he's calling. Maybe it's a butt dial, or he needs money, or… what if he's in danger? Crap, I've left it ringing for a while, I should probably pick up. I take a shaky breath, and hit accept.
The first thing I hear is chatter, clinging glasses, and laughs. Yeah, it's a butt dial. I blink away tears, my hopes that he was actually calling to talk crushed. Sighing I whisper into the phone, "It was too much to wish for," and move to hang up. Then I hear a slurred voice.
"Blaine?"
I freeze. I would know that voice anywhere.
"Kurt?" I said, my voice cracking a bit.
"Blaine, Blaine, Blaine." he said, crying a bit from what I could tell. "I need you."
That's when my heart broke it two.
I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
"Blaine, Blaine, Blaine." I cried. "I need you."
It feels so good to hear his voice, even through the phone. When he said my name, I couldn't help but cry. It felt like a hug, with warmth surrounding me. But the pain; the pain in his voice stabbed me. Because I know that I caused that pain, it was me who broke his heart.
I heard heavy breathing from the other end. "But… Kurt, but you… you said you didn't want me. You left."
"I know, and I regret it. I've been a horrible person since then. The last four months have been the worst of my life. I'm depressed, I'm mean, I'm not Kurt without you with me."
The words just flew out and I didn't even think about it. I would do anything, I would say anything, just to have him know that I love him.
And I don't know how I would do without, I just need you now.
I pause when he says that, my heart thumping in my chest.
"Kurt, where are you right now?" I ask, because he's obviously not at his apartment.
"At the Red Viper, across the street from Tres Bon, the cafe where we always used-"
"I remember." I say quietly. "Meet me there in 20 minutes."
I then hang up and let what I just said go through mind. Did I really just offer to meet him at a cafe in the middle of the night after not seeing him for four months? Yes I did, but that's just how Kurt and I work. Kurt and I. It feels so good to think of it that way.
Throwing a jacket over what I'm already wearing, I run out of the apartment and hail a cab.
I'm going to see Kurt again.
I just need you now.
The line clicks, and it shakes me out of my reverie. I'm going to see Blaine in a couple of minutes. I look like crap. Running to the bathroom, I try to fix my hair with water from the leaking sink and straighten out my clothes by using the grimy, cracked, mirror. I did pretty well from using a bar bathroom, and by the time I leave I only have five minutes until we meet.
Tony gives me a wink as I pass the bar and tells me he'll cover the bottle of liquor. I flash him a smile, the first real one I've had in a while, and dash out the door. Even at two in the morning New York is still busy, but I manage to skate through the lines of people and cars into the cafe in a minute.
There are a couple of people reading or just looking out the window, but no Blaine. I find a seat secluded in a corner and wait.
One minute goes by.
Two minutes.
Three minutes.
Then ten minutes have passed and he's still not here. Maybe he decided not to come, that I'm an awful person and he doesn't even want to be in the same room as me. But I wait.
Five more minutes, the liquor has worn off, and I'm falling asleep in the leather seat. A bell jolts me out of my doze. It had started to rain outside by the looks of it, and the dark figure that walked in was stomping the water of their oxford shoes and shaking out their umbrella. I rubbed my eyes to get a better view of the person, but their face was covered in shadows. They took one step forward and I knew it was my Blaine. His face was paler, with red rimmed eyes and dark circles beneath them, and his hair was still the beautiful ringlets I know and love. He was still so gorgeous, and I filled with longing for Blaine. My Blaine. My beautiful, sweet Blaine, who came all the way here in the rain to see me.
His eyes meet with mine and he visually takes a deep breath. One foot steps. The other. I stand up and mine do the same until we are standing chest to chest. There's a pull tugging my heart to intertwine again with his, which I know he's feeling too because he looks into my eyes and it's there. The love, the need to have the other. Our breaths mingle, and saying nothing, we move the one inch we needed to connect our lips. The slightest tingle goes through my lips, and it turns into a warmth that spreads throughout my entire body. My arms reach out to hold him, and I feel complete with what I've been missing; Blaine. The kiss lasts only a few seconds, but it re-introduces ourselves, and when we look back to each other, a smile breaks out on Blaine's face like the sun coming out behind storm clouds. I move in to wrap my arms around him, the international sign of "I need you and I'm not letting you go" and his body sinks into mine.
"Hi," he whispers into the crook of my neck.
"Hey." I mutter back, kissing the top of his head.
He leans back and smiles the sweetest smile, and I'm guessing that, like mine, it's the first one he's had in a while. We found each other again. We found each other and we won't lose each other again. So now instead of being Kurt and Blaine for the past four months, we're now Kurt and Blaine. Forever and always.
Oh baby I just need you now.