Fade

Chapter 1

Pairing: Arthur Kirkland x Alfred Jones
Rating: Τ
Genre: Angst, AU modern day setting
Warnings: Character death, suicide

Additional note: The story is mainly focused on Arthur's point of view. Thank you for stopping by and please review if you can.

It was clear. He would have considered himself blind if he hadn't notice the changes, even the subtle ones. When you feel close to someone and willingly dedicate effort to understand them, it's easy to recognise some alarming signs. Arthur wanted to believe that any conflict or downcast gaze he witnessed, was the reflection of a temporary phase. But as the days passed, a different reality began to unfold. A kind of dreadful truth that Arthur wanted it to be reduced into something smaller and turn out to be a stupid misunderstanding. Just a misinterpreted message. After all, all couples have their disagreements, right?

He wanted to deny or tame anything unpleasant that he saw or heard. To quieten the short misunderstandings and be patient when Alfred's continuous complaints rained on him like autumn downpours. Arthur felt kind of guilty. He was usually the one who nagged about something trivial. Not Alfred. And any complaints from the Briton usually invoked a carefree laugh from his partner or a reassuring pat on the shoulder. They never seemed to get to the cheerful male.

However, a shadow of disappointment gradually broke the usual mirth and confident determination in Alfred's eyes. It was a great blow for Arthur and a constant reminder that something wasn't right, no matter his efforts to improve their situation.

When fits of anger began to interrupt the heavily silent atmosphere, the English was impelled to confront a certain fact. No matter how much he wanted to stay with Alfred, he refused to turn into the oppressive lover who keeps who he wants by force.

Alfred meant a lot to him. He inspired Arthur to become a stronger and better person. More generous, more welcoming and open. The high-spirited man was the sunshine that always made the difference in his cloudy days. Alfred was the strength and positive energy in Arthur's life.

It was difficult to break apart. Both his heart and body craved to stay with the man to whom they belonged. But were they desired? Were they needed, or had they become just an unpleasant load? Arthur understood that it's not enough to love if this feeling no longer completes the heart for which it exists.

His Alfred wasn't so happy anymore. The bright grin on his face was often replaced by a forced smile. Their kisses left a taste of sadness. A chilly sense of unspoken incertitude lingered after nightly embraces. Alfred seemed to be more in pain than in love. The apologetic words like ' I'm sorry', 'I didn't mean to' and 'I will try next time' had become more frequent than those of adoration.

No matter how much Arthur loved him or how he treasured the dreams and plans he made with his lover, he understood that he had to let go. It was the only way to free Alfred from a bond that hurt him. The mere consideration was killing him. It wasn't easy to end what kept his heart alive. Not at all. Arthur needed to stay and fight. But any battle would have no meaning if he was supposed to be alone in it. His boyfriend had already showed signs that he wanted to secede from any further struggle.

The English knew that displaying an angry frustration wouldn't solve anything. It would be a mistake to ignore the many good moments they lived in the past as a couple. Alfred was his hero. He was also the reason why Arthur didn't abandon music. His old violin remained inside its case for ages until something about the love he shared with the American, urged him to resume practice and playing. He also began to write his own compositions and happily dedicated his best one to his lover. Even though Alfred wasn't really a fan of classical music, he once told Arthur that he thought of him as an excellent musician and didn't mind listening to him playing.

The current situation couldn't be altered by the experiences of the past. Alfred's love was as essential to Arthur as the blood that ran through his veins but if he decided to imprison it, it would wither. He could only let the love nestle and hide into his memories. The reminisce of it would become a beautiful thorn into his consciousness, but Arthur was ready to carry it as a treasure chest. As long as he was capable, he wouldn't mind the heaviness of something precious.

The empty luggage that was once forgotten in the dust of the attic, presaged a cold future. Each time Arthur put something inside, an image of his life with Alfred visited his mind, taunting him to stop packing; A road trip that seemed never-ending, nights in the house watching a movie, their first dinner in a small restaurant with a cozy atmosphere and afternoon strolls in the park... Simple moments that composed a life which Arthur held so dear.

Alfred was not forced to want the same. He might needed someone more carefree. Not a certain guy who tended to stick to programs and planning. Someone who knew how to cook delicious meals, regardless of the recipe's difficulty. The English constantly tried to improve his cooking but few were the times when he managed to impress Alfred. Very few. But above all else, Alfred needed someone who could make him smile. Those lips had to regain their old grace and get rid of those forced, upward twists that only looked like a smile.

He gathered most of his clothes and personal belongings. Before getting busy with the preparation of the luggage, he made sure that the bedroom's door was closed. For some reason, he didn't want Alfred to watch him packing. He wasn't sure why. Maybe he needed to avoid finding out what kind of expression would appear on the American's face once he understood that Arthur was ready to leave. Officially.

The Briton frowned and bit his lip with bitter sadness as he clearly recalled the day when he asked Alfred to break up with him. Ironically, Arthur was the one who brought up the matter first. He had no intention to wait for his boyfriend to get completely sick of him. It was a matter of pride and decency. He wouldn't ridicule or cheapen the relationship that meant everything to him by pretending that all was alright...

It was a Saturday morning and Alfred was getting ready to go out for a quick stroll. Arthur had already accepted his own weakness to utter anything about the breakup without shedding tears in front of Alfred. He didn't want it to happen so he wrote a short note instead. His message was brief and clear, 'You are free from me'. While Alfred wasn't looking, Arthur placed the small letter into the pocket of the man's favourite bomber jacket.

He remembered how anxious and hurt he felt while waiting for his partner to come home. The two hours of Alfred's absence seemed like eons to him. He even recalled the exact place of the house where the young American found him after the walk. Arthur was sitting in the armchair of the living room- the one closest to the window. He had a book on his lap, an indication of his failed attempt to distract his mind.

He didn't stand up when the American entered the room. No, Arthur hadn't forgotten his manners. He was afraid that his legs wouldn't be able to support him once he listened to his lover's response. Deep down, he already knew what it was going to be...

Alfred stood in front of him. His face was serious. The sunlight that came from the window had wrapped him into a gentle embrace, underlining every beautiful trait that Arthur admired in him. Really, he couldn't see anyone as more beautiful than his Alfred. But the situation was difficult. Soon, this man wouldn't be his anymore.

"Well?" Arthur's question came out stoically and too quietly. It was almost quieter than the rustle of leaves outside. He saw how Alfred's lips formed a strained, tight line. Those lips that Arthur had kissed countless times, sometimes gently and sometimes hard.

"...I'm sorry." The reply was clear and brief. Much like the letter.

"It's okay." Another stoic utterance. Arthur's facial expression was serene but a tear that rolled down his cheek, ruined the aloof facade that he wanted to maintain. His green eyes widened in upset when Alfred moved closer with the intention to give him a comforting embrace.

Arthur rose immediately, the book fell on the floor with a soft thud, his hand stopped Alfred from touching him, and he quickly withdrew to the bedroom closing the door behind...

Right. He had withdrawn to the exact place where he currently packed for leaving.

He heard the American talking on the phone and a sense of loneliness clawed Arthur but he tried not to think about the pain. He would have to get used to it.

Unless...

The pensive male quickly blocked the upcoming thought as he checked his passport one last time. It was recently renewed and ready for use. A part of him wished it had been expired but he quickly shook off the notion. He closed the luggage and his eyes searched for the wall clock. The different time zones were going to connote the imminent change. Five hours ahead of Alfred. A difference of five hours that underlined their failure to harmonise themselves and synchronise their life.

Suddenly, Arthur felt so foolish for believing that one day they could get married and become an official couple, recognised by the law. Some States in America had established the matrimonial union between people of the same gender, so it could have been possible.

He gripped the handle of the luggage. The case was heavy and so was his heart. He stopped for an instant and looked back at the bed where he used to rest and make love with Alfred all these nights. It was difficult but he tried not give in to jealousy when the prospect of someone else filling the empty side, taunted him.

Alfred's voice sounded clearer as Arthur left the bedroom and walked across the corridor. He peeked at the kitchen where his former lover was talking on the phone, but he avoided to let his gaze linger there too much. Remembering those mornings when they enjoyed breakfast together and discussed their daily plans, was too painful to handle at the moment.

"Hey, Arthur!"

Alfred hung up when the English passed by the kitchen. "Are you leaving now?" He asked and approached nearer.

Arthur's mind was too clouded with thoughts to discern the exact mood behind the younger man's question. He blinked and stared back a little wearily. If Alfred really wanted him to stay, he would rush at him and hug him tightly.

"Yes, I scheduled my flight for today. Didn't I tell you?" He replied calmly.

"Oh..."

It hurt Arthur to gaze at the man whom he knew so well. The English was going to miss all these subtle expressions which often communicated what Alfred couldn't word sometimes. He was bound to miss his love and everything about him.

How do you say goodbye to the person that means the world to you? How do you convey your feelings one last time, without creating the impression that you seek to cause guilt to the other? Arthur didn't know. For that reason, he chose to express all that he needed in a way that was more comfortable to him.

"There is something I want to give you before I go." He showed Alfred a small cd folder. "Do you remember the musical piece that I wrote, the one that you liked very much? I recorded it here and made sure it was my best performance. Please accept it."

Alfred seemed moved when he took the last gift. His eyes were thoughtful as they remained fixed on the item for a few seconds. Then, he gazed at Arthur. It was a brief moment that somehow granted them a glimpse of their past with both its pleasant and sad colours. A life and a time that they once chose to share. A love that they only had for each other.

"Thank you, I will listen to your music often. Promise." Alfred finally said.

"Good." It was a quiet answer. His voice didn't tremble, his eyes didn't water but his heart was breaking. Arthur was caught by surprise when Alfred suddenly leaned forward to embrace him.

"I'm sorry, Arthur...I really am."

"Please, don't say 'I'm sorry' again. There is no reason." He sighed and attempted not to hug the American in return. If he did, he wouldn't ever want to let go... "Take care, alright?" It was a gentle whisper. "I am leaving because I don't want your smile or your dreams to fade. It's the happiness you emit that drew my heart close to yours. And I won't be the one to crush it."

Arthur moved away and noticed that his former partner looked concerned. This worry wouldn't last long. The American would surely prove capable of pulling through the breakup. He was capable of many things. This couldn't be an exception. No way.

But the Briton was unsure of his own strength and how much he could endure. Each step away from the one he loved was a tough challenge.

"Goodbye, Alfred." It wasn't easy to say it, but somehow he did.