12th Day of Christmas

by kuragari nikkou

Part of my Days of Christmas project. Here's to a Smashing Christmas Carol, starring Wario as the Scrooge. Can he change his ways before he is met with a horrible future? Warnings: This is probably the worst story I have ever written. I don't even know if this was supposed to be funny or not.

All characters © their respective owners

-ONONTHEYSEND

Akumu: Zzz…Zzz-AH! I mean, on the twelfth day of Christmas my true love wrote for me!

Warnings: Another parody. OOC like whoa, especially Marth. Also, crack. Sadly, I don't have Hoshi's humor, either. If someone's already written a Wario scrooge, then yours is probably better than mine, so don't get mad, okay? Also, shortened and made fun of because my creator has finals and needs to study. Swearing and shit.

-ONWITHOUTEND

And so begins the story of Wario on a Christmas day. He was an unlikable man with a business partner that no one doubted was as dead as a door nail. How dead is a door nail, and where the heck did that phrase come from? Well, anyway, the point was that Wario was a very unlikable man.

Why wouldn't he be? He was greedy, rude, not pleasant to look at, fat, had huge teeth… List goes on for a few hours. …Yes, he was unlikable. Even so, his dear nephew, Link would still try to wish him a Merry Christmas.

"A merry Christmas to you, uncle!" Link would say.

"Where is my money?!" …Ah-hem, Marth. Story stabilizer?

"YOUR LINE WAS BAH, HUMBUG!" an angry voice echoed from who knows where.

"Christmas? A humbug, uncle?" Link asked in surprise. "Surely you don't mean that!"

"Of course I do." Wario declared. "Merry? Why would you be merry? You're poor."

"Well, what about you?" his nephew challenged. "Bitter? Why would you be bitter? You're rich." Wario had no answer for that.

"Bah, humbug!" Well, except for that one.

"Why are you so angry?" Link asked.

"Fanfiction and fanart give me every reason to be angry." Marth answered before he left the set.

"Because I want more money." Wario answered.

"Well, couldn't you at least come have dinner with me and my wife?" he asked. "It's too joyous an occasion to be so grumpy!"

"Bah, humbug!" Wario declared as he slammed the door in his nephew's face.

"…I take it that's a no?" Link asked from the other side of the door.

ZzZzZzZ

DeDeDe and Bowser were off asking wealthy patrons for charity and donations. Certainly not because they were going to pocket the profits themselves like the frauds they were, oh no! They managed to find the old business establishment, Wario and Waluigi's. Waluigi was Wario's dead business partner in power up mushrooms, but Wario never did paint out Waluigi's name. That would require time and money that he would not waste. Anyhow, DeDeDe and Bowser knocked on the door.

"Good evening Mr. Wario or Mr. Waluigi?" DeDeDe asked upon Wario's opening the door.

"Waluigi's dead, and I don't want to buy anything." Wario said curtly before slamming the door in his face. Bowser then knocked on the door. "I said I don't want to buy anything!" he said upon opening the door.

"You must be Mr. Wario, then. Let's cut to the chase. Christmas is cold, and people need blankets. And since there are a lot of poor people, they'll also need food and drink. Surely, you could donate to the cause?" Bowser asked.

"Bah, humbag!" Wario yelled as he slammed the door.

"What a jerk!" DeDeDe exclaimed.

"I know!" Bowser agreed. "We need food and drink too."

ZzZzZzZ

"Merry Christmas, Wario!" Mario cheered.

"You just want a Christmas bonus!" Wario accused as he slammed the door in Mario's face. "Bah, humbug! He'll probably be there even earlier the next morning."

"I do want my Christmas bonus, but I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas for now…" Mario said on the other side of the door. The clerk then left for home since he could make no progress here.

Night fell, and Wario stayed in his old, stately mansion. Not even a toasty fire could warm his cold, bitter, Grinch-sized heart. Yes, it seemed like another lonely night until Waluigi decided to show up. Wario couldn't believe his eyes. That same pointy mustache, that twig-like body, and those same beady stingy eyes. It couldn't be, could it? But something was wrong. Since when was his old business partner transparent? Or had the ability to float? Or wore those gaudy-looking chains?

"You're not getting a cent out of me!" Wario yelled.

"What use have I of money in the afterlife?!" Waluigi yelled back.

"Lies!" Wario stubbornly persisted. "It was always about money between us!"

"Fool! I'm trying to warn you about being haunted!" the ghost tried to explain.

"What warning? You're already here."

"Oh, I'm not the one who's haunting you." Waluigi started off. "There will be three spirits coming here tonight if you don't change your ways."

"Psh! Damn tree-huggers. Fine, I'll friggin' go green or whatever." Wario tried to dismiss the subject as he left for bed.

"Not what I meant." The ghost said as he suddenly appeared in Wario's path. "Look, you got to stop being so fucking greedy and start getting into the holiday spirit if you don't want these spirits to haunt you and convince you the hard way."

"Christmas! Bah, humbug!"

"You won't be saying that when the spirits come here one at a time." Waluigi warned.

"One at a time?" Wario asked with disgust. "Why can't they all just come at once and let this be over with?"

"BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HOW THE STORY WORKS, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO WITH IT!" Marth yelled from who knows where.

"You heard the ex-prince. Last warning, Wario."

"And I told you, BAH. And HUMBUG."

"Very well, Wario." Waluigi accepted nonchalantly. "I warned you, and that's all I can do. Don't look for me when those spirits come because I have no time left for you. Good luck surviving the second ghost." He wished as he disappeared into wisps of ectoplasm.

"Tch. Bah, humbug to Waluigi's concerns!" Wario declared when his fire went out and the silver bell tolled. He looked around in the dark until a light manifested. And from that light came the form of a fifteen year old kid with a flaming sword.

"Hey, Wario! What's up?" Roy asked.

"Are you one of the ghosts I was warned about?" he asked.

"Yep." The ghost nodded. "I'm the ghost of Christmas past…well, more specifically, your past."

"I already know my past! I was friggin' rich and happy." Wario declared.

"Not always." Roy insisted. "C'mon, I'll show you."

"Hell no, you freaky ghost." Wario denied him.

"Ah-hem. Marth?" Roy asked.

"OH HELL NO." Marth then stormed into the mansion tearing apart anything that got in his way. "Why can't you just advance the fucking story, you fat piece of shit?! I will murder you."

"Bring it on, then pre-!" Wario then got a faceful of desk. He was now running down the halls away from a homicidal ex-prince. "Is he allowed to do this?!" he asked.

(A/N: This story is definitely going past the five page limit. KN is going to be pissed.)

And so, Wario's mangled body twitched slightly. Marth got bored with beating him to a bloody pulp and left. Roy smiled slightly at the other swordsman's handiwork before he dropped a heart container on Wario.

"Are you ready to check out your past now?" he asked.

"Y-yeah…" Wario agreed.

ZzZzZzZ

They arrived at their first destination, Wario's old school when he was just a boy.

"Would you look at that poor little boy reading by the candlelight?" Roy pointed out.

"Ha! What a loser!" Wario jeered. Roy blinked and stared at the man.

"Wario, that's you as a kid." He said.

"No way!" Wario denied.

"Wario?" Younger Zelda asked the younger Wario. "I'm here to take you home."

"Sister!" younger Wario exclaimed as he ran to her side and ditched that book. "It's terrible here! They tried to make me read these horrible books!" Younger Zelda laughed cheerily at that as she walked him home.

"She's quite the woman, huh? So kind-hearted." Roy commented.

"She's an ugly hag who left me with her awful nephew." Wario said. Roy shook his head and tsked.

"Something tells me you're going to need a lot of help… Well, let's go to another Christmas." The boy dismissed it.

ZzZzZzZ

Their next destination was an old warehouse, where teen Wario was apprenticed to DK.

"Your boss was quite generous to you. Not to mention fond of partying." Roy noted.

"No work tonight! Christmas. Holiday fun time." DK announced in broken English. As everyone gathered to the ball rooms, Wario spoke up again.

"He had bad business sense. It's no wonder his establishment failed."

"It's always about money with you." Roy shook his head again. "Well, it wasn't always." He contemplated. "Look, there. Someone's coming to dance with your younger self." He pointed to a fair-haired beauty in the corner of the ball room. She seemed absolutely radiant as she gracefully walked towards teen Wario. "Don't know why considering she's completely out of your league, though."

"Samus…" Wario seemed to be in shock.

"Oh? Seems like I've finally gotten you to stop being bitter." Roy smiled at the possible accomplishment.

"She was poor as dirt. Don't know why I ever wasted time with her." Wario said snappishly. Roy 'hmph'-ed at that. The scene changed to Samus and Wario when they were maybe a year or two older. She was storming out of the mansion he owned.

"I can't take this anymore!" She yelled. "All you care about is money, money, money!" She accused as he followed her out of the house. "You never gave a damn about me."

"But, Samus! I can change!" he offered. "Well, not really, but I can try to try to try!"

"Forget it, Wario! We're through." She walked away from him. A tear seemed to fall from Wario's eyes, an action that didn't go unnoticed by Roy.

"Feeling sorry yet?" Roy asked.

"I should've stolen her necklace before we broke up. That thing must've been worth millions!" Wario sobbed.

"…oh, that is it!" Roy yelled. The two were transported back to Wario's old mansion. "Marth, I am done with this fucker! It's your turn!" he yelled before he disappeared from the room like a wisp of smoke.

"Whiny little bitch." Marth commented as he appeared from thin air.

"Are you the second ghost?" Wario asked. Marth glared at him.

"No, I'm just transparent for shits and giggles, WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT LOOK LIKE?!" He demanded. Wario glared back and opened his mouth to retort when Marth held his Falchion to the man's neck. "Make a joke about me having a period, and I will destroy you." Wario wisely shut his mouth. "So, yes. I am the second spirit that has come to haunt you, the ghost of Christmas present. Ready to change your mind yet?"

"Bah, humbag!" Wario declared.

"Bitch, you did not just 'bah, humbag' me!" Marth declared as he hit Wario with the blunt side of his weapon. "But I suppose that we have to do it this way for the story to advance. Let's go, fatass."

ZzZzZzZ

They arrived at Mario's house. Peach and her kids were dressed in rags the way poor people in Christmas stories always were. Mario hadn't arrived home yet, so Peach's oldest daughter, Palutena, was hiding in the closet to surprise her father when he came home.

"Why did you take me to my employee's house?" Wario asked.

"What did I tell you about just going with it?" Marth glared at him.

"I'm home!" Mario declared as he walked into the house. Peach got up to give him a hug while his oldest son, Snake, ran up to greet him. Mario surveyed the room quietly before he realized that someone was missing. "Why, where is Palutena?" he asked.

"She's not coming." Peach said sadly.

"Not coming!" Mario echoed distraughtly. "Not coming on Christmas Eve…" Palutena didn't like to hear him so disappointed, even if it were a joke, and came out of hiding early to give him a comforting hug. "Now here's a pleasant surprise." He smiled. "And where's Pit?"

"I don't get why I have to be 'Tiny Tim' when I'm not even crippled." Pit protested. Marth's eye visibly twitched. "Um…Marth? Why are you…oh no! P-Palutena, help!" his cries went on deaf ears as Palutena shook her head. Pit should've just went with it. After the light and fragile bones of Pit's wing cracked, he was left sobbing in the corner with a crippled wing.

"Are you feeling all right, Pit?" Mario asked.

"Marth fucking snapped my wing, do I look like I'm all right?!" Pit sobbed.

"It's good to know that you're still as healthy and hearty as ever!" Mario answered cheerily. The family then had a festive dinner. They were poor, so all they could really do was eat dirt most of the time, but this Christmas, Snake managed to shoot down a goose! They had never had a Christmas goose before! And to add to the good news, Palutena was practicing her goddessy powers to make a huge pudding thing. They had never had pudding either!

"Bless us!" Peach announced as the dinner had been set up on their tiny, rickety little table.

"My wing…I mean, bless us all!" Pit cheered weakly.

"You know…," Marth started, "that kid doesn't have long to live. I think I snapped more than his wing."

"He's dirt poor, so what do I care?" Wario asked. Marth punched him in his huge teeth.

"You're supposed to care, you idiot! Have you no fucking sympathy for that poor, crippled little kid?!" the ghost demanded.

"You're the one who crippled him!" Wario refuted.

"We don't talk about the things I do to people." Marth simply asserted. The Mario family continued to talk and eat in delightful ignorant bliss of the two spirits in the room. "Oh yeah, we should probably skip the part where your nephew and his wife loot your mansion and light your place on fire since we're seriously running out of time."

"Wait, they what?!" Wario demanded. The ghost transported them back to his mansion.

"Ike, we're skipping shit, so hurry the fuck up and finish this story!" Marth called as he disappeared into a wisp.

"You better not pout. You better cry. You better not shout 'cause death's coming that's why." Ike sang quietly as he appeared with a reaper's cloak obscuring his face and a scythe in his hands.

"Are you the ghost of Christmas future?" Wario asked.

"Actually, it's ghost of Christmas yet to come." Ike clarified.

"Why the hell do you have such a long ass title?"

"Blame Charles Dickens, man." Ike suggested. "But yeah, anyway, I'll tell you about the horrible shit that happens when you don't stop being fucking greedy and not get into the Christmas spirit."

"You mean you're not going to show me?" Wario asked confusedly.

"We don't have time for that. Marth wants to go on vacation with me and Roy and our girlfriends and Roy's mom soon." Ike explained.

"Why do you guys get a vacation?"

"Fire Emblem has dealt with enough of Smash Brothers' insanity. We deserve a fucking break." Ike asserted. "Anyhow, the future will involve a dead Pit."

"Not surprising." Wario stated.

"You're going to die too, you know."

"Well, I'm old."

"No one will go to your funeral."

"I'll just dip into my stock of 1up mushrooms."

"You'll be poor because Mario will sue you for everything you got for Pit's death."

"Bah, hum-what?! P-poor?!" Wario asked in a terrified voice. Ike raised a brow at this. Looks like he got something.

"If you thought Zelda and Samus and Mario's family was poor as dirt, you'd be even poorer than that! You'd have nothing to your name because everyone hated you." Ike went on.

"That…that can't be!" Wario denied it as he shook his head.

"Oh, but it will be." Ike asserted. "It will be if you don't change your ways."

"But changing my ways involves giving away money!" Wario protested.

"What's worse, Wario? Losing two…maybe three hundred coins? Or losing every single thing of value?" Ike asked. Wario had made his decision. "If you make the wrong choice, Marth will come back, and he will kill you." Wario then changed his decision.

ZzZzZzZ

Wario threw a friggin' huge party for everyone, gave a turkey that would put Snake's Christmas goose to shame to Mario's family, donated large amounts of money to charity, and smiled to something non-related to money for the first time in years.

"Bless us all!" Pit declared. "Somebody please heal my wing…seriously."

"Well, this was fucking stupid." Marth stated.

"You said it." Ike agreed.

"Let's just go on our vacation." Roy suggested. The two blue-haired swordsmen nodded and walked off with him.

"Can one of you please throw me a heart container here?!" Pit begged. Roy gave him a pitying look and tossed him one. "Bless us all!" he announced genuinely.

"And happy holidays!" the cast declared.

ZzZzZzZ

Character cast, yeah?

Wario – Ebenezer Scrooge

Waluigi – Wario's dead business partner (Jacob Marley)

Link – Wario's nephew (Fred)

Mario – the guy who works for Wario (Bob Cratchit)

Peach – the girl Mario married (Mrs. Cratchit)

Pit – Mario's son (Tiny Tim)

Roy – the ghost of Christmas Past

Marth – the ghost of Christmas Present

Ike – the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

DK – the guy Wario apprenticed (Fezziwig)

Samus – the lady Wario loved (Belle)

Snake – Mario's oldest son (Peter Cratchit)

Palutena – Mario's oldest daughter (Martha Cratchit)

Zelda – Wario's sister and Link's mom (Fan)

Dedede and Bowser – guys who ask Wario for donations (portly gentlemen…what?)

-THEIRGREEDYTONETOEVERYHOME

Akumu: Zzz…mrgh…! Sorry for the shit quality, but we're all pressed for time and college is stressful right now. Um…happy holidays or whatever.

Holiday Moral: Sharing is caring.

KN: Akumu, did you really write more than five pages? You? And why did you cuss so much?

Akumu: Forgive me!

To the first reviewer:

Akumu: Thanks for your input! -rereads story- ...why did I write this? Also, all I thought about was a really pretty girl for Wario to fall in love with, and Samus was first girl I thought of. Probably wasn't a good idea...