Summer Nights at Band Camp

by Hg Muffin-Stuff

Summary: They were rivals. They were companions. They were everything but in love. One summer night at band camp would change that, though. Or so they hoped.

Chapter One: Andantino Scherzando

Squidward hadn't expected his first year of high school to exactly be a joy ride after his middle school years. Nor had he expected to be outshined so spectacularly - and so quickly - at his art. No, not outshined. Just - just temporarily challenged, that was all.

Still, there was something about this clarinetist that enthralled him. He had a certain joie de vivre about him, an unrelenting confidence that permitted him to take an exceptional depth of delight in the arts, a world away from the world and yet hiding inside it. Enthralled him and annoyed him. Squilliam could be the biggest jackass he'd ever met.

Squilliam approached Squidward, who sat outside the band class in his usual attire: white T-shirt with a large peace sign, adorned with various pins and buttons representing various causes, including several rainbow flags and marijuana leaves. He had with him a sandwich, brown paper bag, and a magazine held up to his face with the words "Social Issues" printed boldly on the cover. Squilliam scanned the scene, his eyes searching around and behind Squidward's back, causing the seated cephalopod to grow uneasy and scrunch up the magazine, clutch it closely to his chest and eventually scowl and lower it.

"What?"

With a genuine lilt of concern, he said, "Hey Squiddy, where's your Presidential Musical Excellence Medal? Oh, no, did you lose it again?"

Squilliam knew damn well he'd never gotten one. "Uh, that medal is only awarded to people in grades 10 and up."

Then, with a snort of feigned innocent embarrassment: "Oh, I forgot. You're still in ninth grade, aren't you?"

"Yes, Squilliam, I'm fifteen."

Admiring the medal around his neck, twiddling it betwixt his suction cups as it glistened in the sun, he said, "Well, I'm fifteen, and they gave me one. Oh, that's right, they also let me skip a couple grades so I could get out of this hick town sooner before my neurons lose their plasticity and the ocean is forced to bear with an only slightly brilliant Squilliam Fancyson."

"Oh, the tragedy. When are you going to get your head out of your ass and start giving a damn?"

"Just in case it wasn't clear, just because I don't give a damn about you, doesn't mean I don't give a damn about anyone."

"So I'm sure you were just being facetious when you suggested that the way to end poverty and homelessness would be an ad campaign to tell impoverished people to get jobs and hand out soap to them?"

"Well, you could do with a little improvement in the odor department, Squiddy." Squidward opened his mouth agape. "You've got this weird kelp/shrimp thing going on."

Squidward gasped. "How dare you insult my personal hygiene! And I'm not impoverished."

"You sure the hell seem like it to me," he said, feeling the material of Squidward's sleeve. He released the fabric and reached into his jacket to search through a small pocket until he pulled out a rectangular bottle, held it out to Squidward. "If you want to smell fabulous, just squirt a drop of this stuff onto a suction cup and massage it all over your body. You'll taste amazing. I mean, smell amazing."

Squidward read the label, squinting. "Lilac Vanilla, huh?" He gently unscrewed the cap, inhaled. "Oh, Squilliam, this is divine."

"I always use a little before fucking. It drives guys absolutely wild. It's how I seduce my straight boys."

"Come on, Squilliam, nobody's going to go from straight to gay for you just because you put on this...incredibly intoxicating aroma. Those guys must've just been bi."

"Well, I know they must have some inclination, but these guys were just curious. Trust me, I've fucked closeted boys before. They have a way about them."

"There's a pretty big difference between a straight guy who's a little curious and making someone turn gay for you."

"Hey, I'm not the one who said I made them turn gay for me; that was all you."

"So you said it'll make guys go wild?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, sometimes I'll just smell the bottle and give myself a boner."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes."

"Mind if I tried some now?"

"Go right ahead, sweetheart, knock yourself out."

Squidward put an extra drop on, then rubbed himself all around. "How do I look - I mean, smell."

Squilliam draped all of his tentacles around Squidward. "Oh, Squidsy, you're irresistible." Squilliam teased his neck with his teeth, licking at his chest, causing Squidward to shudder and flutter his eyelids. When Squilliam slid away from him, his eyes were still closed in bliss, only opening when Squilliam started cracking up laughing. "I can't believe you fell for that! 'I just smell the bottle and give myself a boner.' Ha, ha! I guess it's clear now who you want to get fucked by."

"Shut up, Fancyboy."

"It is a wonderful lotion, though. You can keep it."

"Thanks. Wait - does this mean you made up the thing about me smelling like kelp and shrimp?"

Squilliam merely gave him a "like hell I'd tell you" smirk and sat down beside him. "So, are you going to give me any of that poor-person slop you call lunch?"

"Again? You know you'll need to deal with those bullies eventually. I can't just keep packing an extra lunch for you every day."

"Aw, why not?" Squilliam smiled slyly. "And don't you think I've already tried to deal with them? It just makes things worse. One sensitive band geek versus five jocks. I completely humiliated myself."

"No, I mean, you could try talking to the counselor or somebody."

"Oh, sure, and have somebody else fight my battles? I may be a faggot but I'm not a pussy."

Squidward handed him a plastic container with a hearty salad inside and a mini-thermos of iced tea.

"And you know they'd tell my parents," he said as Squidward handed him a fork and he took a bite. "My father would absolutely die of embarrassment if he found out I was still getting harassed for my lunch money, especially since I'm losing it. He'd always tell me, 'Fancysons don't get bullied around.'" Squilliam sniffled back a tear as Squidward lightly patted his thighs. "Yeah, dad, just pretend it isn't happening. That makes things a lot better for me. Mmm, this actually isn't half bad. Where'd you get it?"

Squidward withdrew his tentacle. "Oh - I made it. You like it?"

"It's fantastic! I never realized you had such culinary prowess."

"It's just a little something I whipped up for you."

"Don't sell yourself short. You have excellent taste."

Squidward blushed and looked down into his sandwich. "Thanks."

"Ha! Ha! Told you, you wanted me, Squiddy."

"Sh-shut up, Squilliam."

"But you do, don't you?" Squilliam spread out his legs and stroked Squidward's feet with two of his own. "You want me inside you, thrusting against you, just like I want to feel you kicking -"

Squidward shot him an annoyed and frantic glare. "Squilliam!"

"Oh, my, baby, you're tense," he said, massaging Squidward's shoulders. "Let me take care of that."

"No thank you - oh, my word, that is impressive," Squidward said, relaxing into Squilliam's massaging tentacles. Squilliam made everything awkward between them with his suggestions that they sleep together, but his company was too engaging to pass up. Especially when it felt this good. "So, what time are we going to practice our tonguing after school?"

"About six-ish," he said, kneading between Squidward's shoulders with progressively stronger motions.

"Ohh, good. When will we practice our fingering?"

"Oh, I expect we'll be practicing that all night long."

"You're such a slut," Squidward said before arching his shoulders back. "Oh, that's gooood."

"Don't I know it?" Squilliam chuckled. "And of course I'm a slut. I get my choice of lovers. We have as much fun as we can together, then we part before things get too messy. What could be better than that?"

"Wouldn't you like to fall in love someday? Find that special guy who just makes you feel a little better about the world, because he's in it?"

"I've already found him; I see him every time I look in the mirror."

"Okay, but what if you're feeling shitty about yourself?"

No use pretending he was always as cheery and confident as he appeared, after that display about the bullies. "Then I feel shitty and get on with my life. What's your point, Squidward?"

"Wouldn't you like to know that there's someone at your side, someone who wants to make you feel better?"

"Don't be silly; I don't need a lover for that. I have you."

"You think I'll keep stroking your ego and fulfilling your emotional needs just for cheap massages and your fancy scented oils? Keep dreaming! For a rich guy you're not very good at buying my affection."

"How about we take a limousine to the museum? How's that sound to you?"

"Ha! Are you kidding me? Think that's enough to buy me? Travis Sharkey asked me to the homecoming dance, you know."

"T-Travis Sharkey? That oboist -"

"- Who wouldn't let you blow him? Yeah, I know."

"He told me -"

"He's not straight."

His head dipping against Squidward's shoulder, glancing to his right as though on the lookout, he whispered, "Are you sure?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure."

"Damn. Well, what if I took you to every fancy restaurant in town? Would you let me take you for a spin then?"

"No."

"I'll give you a new boat."

"Yawn. No, Squilliam."

"How about we go to that -"

"Forget it. It's not going to happen."

"Why, Squiddy? I know you want me. I'm saying you can have me! Why would you refuse that?"

"Look, Squilliam, I know your type - you just told me your type. You'd fuck me a few times, we'd have fun for awhile, and then you'd drop me like an old newspaper. That's just how you are. But it's not how I am."

"You're right. I'd hate to fuck and run if that would hurt you. Well, have fun with Travis, Squiddy. Be sure to grab hold of your ass on your way to the ground; I'd hate to see it get broken along with your heart."

Squidward lowered his sandwich. "What do you mean by that?"

"What I mean is he doesn't give a damn about romance any more than I do. If you haven't figured that out already, you're more gullible than I thought."

"You didn't even know he was into guys until a minute ago. Why the hell should I trust anything you have to say about him?"

"I just don't want to see you get hurt." He turned away and nibbled at his salad.

"Squilliam? What's this all about?"

"Two years, he was my brother's best friend for two fucking years - I think I should know, and I do. He's all wrong for you, Squiddy. He'd destroy you. It's bad enough that he took your virginity already. Don't go to the dance with him, please. Squiddy dear. Please."

"Your brother? The football star Maximillian Fancyson? Friends with band geek Travis Sharkey?"

"Yes, Squidward, as usual your oddly expositional speech is accurate."

"Oh, wow...I never would've thought he'd talk to guys like us..."

"I do talk to my brother every once in awhile, you know."

"Oh, I know. Just - well, you know what I mean. You're his brother; it's different with you. Oh my gosh, Maxi Fancyson..." Squidward grinned stupidly as his shoulders bobbed up and down with his infatuated giggles.

"Squidward, slurp up that drool and get your tongue back in your mouth. You're acting like an idiot. Oh, please don't tell me you're picturing a threesome with my brother and me, please tell me you aren't."

"...I wasn't until now. Thanks for the idea, though." Yep, he was going to have sweet dreams tonight. "You wouldn't happen to have any pictures of him with you, would you?"

"Not any for you to get your various bodily fluids on. Seriously, could you have any less class?"

"Oh, okay, I understand. But it's not as if I'd have any realistic chance of doing your brother anyway; I mean isn't he off at some snooty boarding school? And he's straight, so it's not like I'd have a chance with him."

"Squiddy dear, sorry to deflate your ego - oh, wait, I'm not - but you wouldn't have a chance with him if he was standing here wearing nothing but a rainbow g-string and doing the can-can."

"And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"I mean he's way out of your league. And really so am I, but hey, I think you're cute. Especially when you blush like that," he added, noting Squidward's reddening cheeks. "You have such a crush on me. It's so obvious! Why else would you blush while I'm insulting you, just because I happen to say you're cute?"

"I - I do not."

"Come off it. All that talk about finding someone you love - you didn't mean some hypothetical person, you really wanted me to say, 'Oh, yes, Squidward, you've made me realize that you, in fact, are my true love and I want to stay with you forever and ever until the end of high school.' Isn't that right, baby cakes? I can tell by the way you're hiding your face from me."

"I never screwed around with Travis."

"Huh?"

"He asked me to, but I said no. You know me. I only do that with people who are really special to me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Like you and your brother."

"Fuck off!"

"Oh, I intend to do just that. I could draw you a comic of it and -"

"Okay, that is going too far, Tentacles!" Then, it was the worst possible time for the band director to open the door to let in their class, who was by now standing in front of them. "Stop talking about me fucking my brother! I'm taking back my fancy oils, and I'm not tonguing with you again tonight, or any other night! And you can forget about us practicing our fingering together!"

Squidward restrained a smirk, but his careful control soon gave way to unbridled guffawing. That is, until he realized just what kind of relationship Squilliam's words implied, and that many of their classmates were taking them quite seriously, giving no more than a blank stare, an averted gaze, as they shuffled into the classroom. Not even so much as an "I'm not even going to ask."

So what the hell did they think was going on between him, Squilliam, and Maxi Fancyson, Squidward had to wonder? Squilliam wondered much the same, neither of them getting another hint about this through the rest of the period apart from the simple remark from the nervous bassoonist that he'd "always wanted to bone your brother too."

Great. Fucking Squilliam and his innuendos. He'd screwed Squidward's one chance of not being a complete loner, fucked it in every orifice and flushed it down the drain. Now he'd be a loner forever, known as that freak who did incestuous threesomes, and it was all the fault of that pompous, horny little bitch Squilliam.

Just great. Squilliam liked being a slut, liked being known as a slut. He did not like being known as that pervert who'd banged his brother and the second clarinetist in some convoluted threesome and/or love triangle. That's just not the kind of guy Squilliam was. And of course it was entirely Squidward's fault.