I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat
I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weak the days
I'm stronger now or so I say
But something's missing
After Jocelyn left me, I didn't have much left. As I told Jim, she basically took the whole damn planet in the divorce. There was really nothing left for me but my daughter. Joanna had become my life and the one I truly love. I don't even remember why I married Joc in the first place. It's not like the heartless bitch made me feel for her anymore. But back when I was young and stupid and I thought I had the world at my feet, she made me feel like I didn't need heaven, 'cause I thought I had it in her. But then my dad asked me to help him commit suicide... No, I will not go there. I refuse to let my grief drag me down now, now when I have a good life on the Enterprise with that whiz kid and his helmsman boyfriend, Uhura and Scotty, Jim and Spock...Spock...
Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me
And I just wanna scream
I had already fallen into the clutches of a heartless bitch. And then I had to go and fall head over heels for the walking computer. Knowing where this train of thought was going, I tell Chapel to call me if there was anything important that needed to be attended to, and went to lock myself in my office. I walk over to my desk (mahogany) and sit in my chair (custom, courtesy of a Jim-Kirk-apology), reaching for the booze that I have locked away in my desk. I grab a glass and pour some into it. I play with the contents for a minute, sigh, then down it all in one go. The burn in my throat feels exquisite compared to the hole in my heart. All I wanted to do right now was scream at the top of my lungs at this injustice.
What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Ohhhh what now?
I dropped my head on my desk in frustration. Out of all the rotten luck, why did the green-blooded hobgoblin have to attract my attention? When I first met him, he seemed to be a cold-hearted logical robot. But after Jim befriended him (after Spock tried to strangle him no less) and the three of us began to hang out together, I realized there was more to him than meets the eye. For one thing, he actually had a sense of humor. We would quip back and forth on a range of topics while Jim looked at us like we were a riveting game of tennis. And as much as I pretended otherwise, I really enjoyed our banter. I hadn't had any stimulation conversation with anyone after Jim became obsessed with beating the Kobayashi Maru simulation.
I found the one he changed my life
But was it me that changed
And he just happened to come at the right time
I'm supposed to be in love
But I'm numb again
Love is supposed to save you, not destroy you. I snort at the thought. I should've learned my lesson after Jocelyn left me: there was no one in the universe meant for me. Yet my heart couldn't help but see someone great in Spock, someone who could possibly... no. I was not going to hope. Not when I see the way he looks at Uhura, talks to her like it won't give him a brain aneurysm. I felt my heart give, knowing that until I died the only person who I wanted to be with for the rest of my miserable life was out of reach forever.
Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me
And I just wanna scream
What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Please tell me
What now?
There's no one to call 'cause I'm just playing games with them all
The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone
'Cause I spend every hour just going through the motions
I can't even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout!
What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? somebody tell me
What now?
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know-oh-oh why
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know-oh-oh why
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know ow ow why
I look up at the door as the buzzer goes off. I shout at them to come in. Maybe Jim wants a drink. He's the only one who knows about my feelings for his First Officer, and that's only because he told me "best friends tell each other everything" after he had found me moping ("Goddamnit Jim, I don't mope") in my quarters. But it isn't Jim, or even Chapel. It's Spock. Oh God. He opens his mouth to say something, but the moment he notices the state I'm in, he shuts his mouth and walks over to my desk, letting the door shut behind him. Then he's standing in front of me, his expression blank but his eyes betraying his worry. Worry? Why would he worry about me? He hates me for crying out loud! But my mind stutters to a halt as he brings his hand up to my cheek, thumb wiping at the moisture there. When did I start crying? I wonder. I think back to my inner monologue, trying to figure out when the crying started. I'm so busy in my own head, I don't realize that Spock's face is millimeters from mine until he says, "Leonard, look at me."
I obey instinctively, and all my breath leaves me when my hazel eyes meet his brown orbs. I can't help but stare, but it's so hard not to lean forward and capture his lips with my own. I don't remember that Vulcans are touch telepaths until Spock's eyes widen marginally in surprise. I curse myself internally as I try to pull away, but Vulcans also have super-strength, and Spock's hand still on my cheek is the only thing keeping me from moving away from him.
Spock pulls me closer and brushes his lips with mine. I make a noise that I will later say I never made, but at the moment I could give less of a shit. I grab him by the back of the neck and pull his head forward, sealing our lips together properly. I think this might be a dream, or a drunken fantasy, especially with the way Spock moans into my mouth, sending vibrations of pleasure throughout my body and warming my soul in a way it never has been before.
I pull him into my lap, and he straddles me as we continue to make out. We keep the kissing chaise until I feel a hot tongue press into my lips. I part my lips automatically, glad that I do when I feel his tongue brush against my own. I whimper, then stop dead in my tracks when I remember who I'm kissing.
Spock. Uhura's boyfriend.
I pull away, desperate to return. When I open my eyes (when did I close them?), I groan when I see how Spock's lips are puffed, hair and shirt mussed. But the thing that really gets me are his eyes. They look absolutely hungry. "I'm sorry," I whisper. Spock tilts his head to side, confused. "I shouldn't have done that. I know you and Uhura are..."
I stop when I feel Spock press a finger to my lips. His expression is warm, his eyes pulling me in. "You are mistaken, Doctor... Leonard." I shiver when he uses my full name. "Nyota and I terminated our relationship two months into our five-year mission. She and Lieutenant Scott have been romantically involved for the past two years."
I freeze, my brain processing the information. Spock and Uhura aren't dating. Uhura and Scotty are. Spock is single. When my stupidly slow brain finished sorting through this information, I give Spock a big shit-eating grin. "Well now," I say, letting my southern accent come out, "why didn't y'all tell me sooner. Too much wasted time..."
Spock shivers from where he's still straddling me. "Cease your talking," he murmurs before reconnecting our lips. I smile into the kiss. Yeah, maybe my luck isn't as bad as I originally thought.
So what now?