Uniting the Crowns
September 20, 834
The Wedding Night of Francia and Byzantine Empire
Francia and Byzantine hurried into their new bedroom in Rome. They exchanged passionate kisses as they groped each other's tender developed farmlands. Francia was ready to give Byzantine a good tumble.
Byzantine admired the beautiful room. "How did you manage to afford this?" she asked.
"The Jews of course!" Francia replied jovially.
Byzantine reached and lifted off Francia's Independent Realms mapmode, and stared in awe. She admired his sexy Direct Vassal de jure internal borders. From his chiseled de jure Gascogne to his firm de jure Franconia. The lines of his borders traced around his country in beautiful natural and historical lines. Every internal duchy was contiguous, not a single enclave or exclave to be found. No unsightly long and thin dukes, nor immodest double dukes. Byzantine's Bosporus Strait began to flood.
"How did you…?" Byzantine asked, trailing off…
"Medium Crown Authority. I raised it just for you, beautiful." Francia replied.
Francia took off his direct vassal mapmode to reveal his religion mapmode, and Byzantine gazed at his enormous moral authority.
Byzantine thought to herself, "With a moral authority like that, I bet he could crusade for a whole de jure empire".
Francia wondered for a moment if this was alright. They were cousins after all. He thought for a moment, but concluded that incest isn't that bad.
Francia now reached to take off Byzantine's Independent Realms mapmode. Byzantine hesitated, but surrended as Francia enforced his demands.
What Francia saw would scar him from this day on.
Byzantine's internal borders were disgusting. The "Doux" of Epirus had land in Crimea. The "Doux" of Cicilia was an iconoclast. All the people had Mediterranean Faces. Several vassals were at war, and there were many factions. Everyone was blind and castrated. Autonomous vassals. Gavelkind succession for the empire, ultimogeniture for the Kingdom of Armenia and somehow tanistry for the Kingdom of Georgia.
But this wasn't the worst of it.
As Francia looked lower, he came to a horrible realisation.
Byzantine had lied to him. She wasn't even a real feudal society.
"Is that… Imperial Administration?" Francia asked. "Ducal viceroyalties!?"
"Y-yes…" Byzantine replied. "I'm not feudal… I'm sorry, I should have told you earlier…"
Francia stormed out, disgusted by his new "bride".
And so Catholicism and Orthodoxy split in what would later be known as the Great Schism.
Let this be a lesson to the Byzantophiles. Holy Rome Best Rome. 1204 best day of my life. Remove Gyro.