Merry Christmas, my dear readers! Here's my gift to you! It's based off of the rumors floating around that Andrew Lloyd Webber (AKA 'Lord Andy') was going to cast Antonio Bandaras (AKA 'Le-Strut') as the Phantom in the 2004 movie. (!)
I own nothing. All credit goes to Dr. Suess and Andrew Lloyd Webber. -grumblemutter-
God Bless You! Enjoy!
How Lord Andy Stole Christmas
Every Phan down in Phan-ville
Wanted Erik's Phantom filmed a lot…
But Lord Andy,
Who lived just north of Phan-ville,
Did NOT!
He now wanted Box Office!
Box Office Treason!
Now, please don't ask why;
No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps,
That his shoes were too tight.
But Phans think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason,
His heart or his shoes,
He stood firm on his plans,
Despising Phans, too.
Staring down from his castle with a sour, lordly frown,
At the warmhearted Phans protesting from town.
For he knew every Phan was unhappy with him,
But to his mind the arguments were all wearing thin.
"They're taking out ads!"
He snarled with a sneer,
"They've started to fight;
Made their wishes quite clear!"
Then he growled,
With his peer fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find a way to stop these Phans from still coming!"
For tomorrow he knew…
…all the Phan girls and boys
Would wake bright and early.
And they'd continue their ploys!
And then! Oh, the noise!
Oh, the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Phans would sit down,
And they'd start to write.
And they'd write! And they'd write!
And they'd WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!
They'd criticize 'Le Strut',
The rare Latin-Beast;
Which was something Lord Andy couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN,
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Phan down in Phan-ville,
The tall and the small,
Would stand firm together, with loud protests ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand,
And demand that Erik do the singing!
They'd protest! And protest!
And protest some more!
And the more that he thought
Of what the Phans might bring,
The more the lord thought,
"I must stop this whole thing!
Why, for over three years I've put up with it now!
I must stop these Phans from campaigning!
…but how?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Lord Andy got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!"
The lord laughed, and grinning some more,
He wrote a quick script and a much altered score.
He chuckled and clucked,
"What a great Phantom trick!
With this script and this score,
I'll fix those Phans quick!"
"All I need's a big actor…"
Lord Andy looked around.
But since big actors are scarce,
There was none to be found.
Did that stop his Lordship…?
"No!" Lord Andy simply said,
"If I can't find a big movie star,
I'll make one instead!"
So he called up 'Le-Strut'
Then he took some black thread,
And he tied the Phantom's mask to the side of his head.
Then he loaded some bags,
And some old, empty sacks
In the trunk of his Rolls,
And to town he made tracks!
Then His Lordship yelled, "Kalamazoo!"
And the Rolls started down
Toward the homes where the Phans
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All the windows were dark.
Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Phans were dreaming
Sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square…
"This is stop number one,"
The old aristocrat hissed
As he climbed from his car,
Empty bags in his fist.
He picked at the lock
And it opened at last.
He tiptoed on in and planned to work fast.
But at first he stood still,
For a moment or two
While he looked around for the things that he knew
Were the tools the Phans used
To fill him with woe.
"These computers," he grinned
"are the first things to go!"
Then he silently crept,
With a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room
And took each campaign tool present!
T-shirts! And buttons! Tote bags! And ads!
Address books! Lists of press contacts Phans had!
He stuffed them in bags. To his Rolls the Lord slunk,
And flung all the bags,
One-by-one,
In the trunk!
Then back for their videos.
The Phans' tapes he took.
Their recordings of Erik!
He left none in any nook!
He cleaned out their Phantom music as quick as a flash.
Why, Lord Andy found all their memorabilia to snatch!
He crammed their belongings
in the Rolls trunk with glee.
"And NOW!" Grinned the old queer,
"Here go all the PC's!"
Lord Andy grabbed the computers,
And he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound
Like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast,
And he saw a small Phan!
Little Cindy-Ann Phan,
Who was not yet quite ten.
Lord Andy had been caught by this little Phan daughter
Who'd got out of bed
For a cup of cold water.
She gazed at the scene and said,
"Lord Andy, why?"
Why are you taking our Phantom things?
Why?"
But,
You know, that old Lord,
So smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie,
And he thought of one quick!
"Why my sweet little tot,"
The aristocrat lied.
"There's a flash drive that
Won't flash on one side.
So, I'm taking it home to my lair, my dear!
I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here,"
And his fib fooled the child.
Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink
And sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Ann Phan
Went to bed with her cup,
He went back to his work and kept snatching things up.
Then the last thing he took
From the humble abode,
Was the autograph they loved,
The old toad!
Not one Phantom memory
Did he leave in the house.
Not even a magnet the size of a mouse.
Then he did the same thing
To the other Phans' houses!
Leaving no magnets smaller
Than the other Phans' mouses!
T'was a quarter past dawn…
The town clock tower tolled.
Past the Phans, still a-snooze
As he packed up his Rolls.
He stuffed in the campaign tools!
The T-shirts! The ads!
The Tote bags! Address books!
All that they had!
Three thousand feet up!
Back to Phantomwood Hall,
He drove to the tiptop, and right up the wall!
"Pooh-pooh to the Phans!"
He was evilly humming.
"They're finding out now,
No movie with Erik is coming!
They're just waking up! I know what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open
For a moment or two,
Then all the Phans down in Phan-ville
Will all cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," Grinned the lord,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused.
And Lord Andy put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started out low.
And then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it was merry! VERY!
He glared down at Phan-ville.
The sight popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Phan down in Phan-ville,
The tall and the small,
Was singing!
Without any campaign tools at all!
He hadn't stopped them from coming!
They came!
Somehow or other,
They came just the same!
And Lord Andy,
With his blue blood ice cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling;
How could it be so?
"It came without contacts!
It came without ads!
It came without PC's
Or campaign tools they had!"
He puzzled and puzzled,
'Til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Lord thought of something he hadn't before.
"Maybe Box Office…
is not what this film has in store.
Maybe this Phantom movie…perhaps…
Means a little bit more!"
And what happened then?
Well, in Phan-ville they say
That Lord Andy's small heart
Grew three sizes that day.
And the minute his heart
Didn't feel quite so tight,
He decided to cast Erik
To sing 'The Music of the Night'!
And he brought back their Phantom things!
And all the PC's!
And he…
…HE HIMSELF…!
His Lordship fired the rare Latin-Beast!
Please review, flames welcome.
-Frenchie