Voldemort's Biggest Fan
(This is my fic for the Crossover Challenge!
Tayend is an obsessive teenager in this, in case you're wondering why he's so OOC :P And there's references to the Harry Potter books, which you may not understand if you haven't read them/seen the films, so sorry about that!)
TAYEND: Helloooo? Is this Lord Voldemort?
LORD VOLDEMORT: Yes, this is the Dark Lord speaking.
TAYEND: Oh great, I'm your biggest fan ever! I know everything about you!
LORD VOLDEMORT: Like my phone number? Who betrayed me and gave it to you?
TAYEND: I seduced some long-haired blond guy I suspected of being a Death Eater, and found your number on his phone.
LORD VOLDEMORT: That scoundrel Lucius is in so much trouble when I get my hands on him-
TAYEND: Yeah, that was his name! Anyway, I've been researching you for the last few years, and it's amazing how much information I've found about you in the Great Library.
LORD VOLDEMORT: How much do you know, you insolent fool?
TAYEND: Everything.
LORD VOLDEMORT: You should prepare for death, little child, because I don't allow people like you to live very long.
TAYEND: You're so very funny!
LORD VOLDEMORT: I'm also very serious.
TAYEND: I've even figured out that you have a seventh Horcrux you don't even know about!
LORD VOLDEMORT: Silence, foolish lad! I will not be mocked by a halfwit such as you.
TAYEND: I actually have your first Horcrux, that little diary, with me right now! I keep it under my pillow.
LORD VOLDEMORT: WHAT?
TAYEND: Every night I write in it, and your younger self writes back to me. How romantic!
LORD VOLDEMORT: YOU FILTHY LITTLE MUDBLOOD, HAND THAT DIARY OVER OR ELSE-
TAYEND: Tom Riddle and I are the best of friends now! I've never actually met him, but some of the things he writes to me are really quite shocking!
LORD VOLDEMORT: I doubt my former self would ever stoop so low as to befriend you!
TAYEND: That's where you're mistaken! He's promised to run away and marry me if I help him escape from the diary. At first I was wary, but then he told me about all wonderful things he wants to do to me when he's free-
LORD VOLDEMORT: Is one of those things to kill you, by any chance?
TAYEND: Of course not! But Tom Riddle has a filthy mind, I'll tell you that! I couldn't even understand half the things he was saying to me.
LORD VOLDEMORT: That's because you're a senseless, conceited, frivolous little-
TAYEND: You know, I'm going to warn Riddle that he's in danger of turning into you when he's older!
LORD VOLDEMORT: Yes. You do that.
TAYEND: …Can you make me a Death Eater?
LORD VOLDEMORT: What?
TAYEND: Please?
LORD VOLDEMORT: WHAT?
TAYEND: PLEASE!
LORD VOLDEMORT: Don't you dare shout at me, you worthless piece of muggle-born trash!
TAYEND: I just wanna get a cool tattoo on my arm, like yours!
LORD VOLDEMORT: The Dark Mark is no petty tattoo! It is a sign of my followers' unwavering loyalty and devotion to me-
TAYEND: I'm devoted! I sent you flowers for your birthday last week!
LORD VOLDEMORT: I thought those were from Bellatrix!
TAYEND: That crazy bitch! Haven't you dumped her yet? You can do so much better.
LORD VOLDEMORT: What? Like you?
TAYEND: I've decided I don't like you much anymore. I'll stick to your younger, handsomer, more polite self, thank you very much!
LORD VOLDEMORT: I'm still going to hunt you down and kill you.
TAYEND: So it's a good thing I know your only weakness, isn't it?
LORD VOLDEMORT: Nobody knows that! Except me!
TAYEND: Yeah… Tom Riddle told me.
LORD VOLDEMORT: Damn it! I was always such an idiot before I became the Dark Lord.
TAYEND: Tom and I shall take over the Allied Lands, so you better be nice to me from now on!
LORD VOLDEMORT: I will NEVER bow down to a worthless little fool like YOU-
TAYEND: Shut up for a second! Tom's writing in the diary to me!
LORD VOLDEMORT: He's- what's he saying?
TAYEND: He's sending me some dirty slash fanfiction that he's written. Do you wanna hear?
LORD VOLDEMORT: What? My younger self would never write fanfiction, much less slash!
TAYEND: Ooooh! He's paired you off with Harry!
LORD VOLDEMORT: Oh dear god I'm going to be sick.
TAYEND: Your pet snake is getting in on the action too!
LORD VOLDEMORT: Look, I've had enough. I'm going to find you, and when I do I'll-
TAYEND: I'm kinda busy right now, can you phone back later?
LORD VOLDEMORT: Don't you DARE hang up on me! I'm Lord Voldemort; the most powerful sorcerer in the world, and three times winner of Witch Weekly's Most Evil Wizard Award!
TAYEND: …..
LORD VOLDEMORT: I don't believe it. He hung up on me!
(Let me know what you think! I know it was random… And Voldemort was harder to write than I expected! But I always wanted to do a BMT/HP crossover :D)