How can it be that two such ordinary and simple little objects can awaken so many, nearly forgotten memories, so painfull yet so sweet and dear to me, to us.
You and me.
I'm ashamed I had almost no recollecton of the events of the summer anymore, until now. The last summer.
As I hold a small box in my hands in this dim, dusty attic, those memories rise and invade my mind as if floodgates had been opened. Smiling fondly of those dear bittersweet memories I sit down on top of an old wooden chest, all else forgotten.
...
You turned sixteen that day. The first day of the summer and a last day of the school. Despite of these three reasons to celebrate you seemed to be down somewhat. Telling me your head hurt a little when I asked what was wrong, you made me worry about you and our plans. After all we had promised to go to the lake. Sun was shining warmly and you told me nothing could keep us from going, one of us would have to be at the deaths door for that to happen. After the school ended you demanded our teacher to let you alone in the classroom. You asked me to saty outside so I did.
When you came back your smile was impossibly wide, I could not help but smile back. I had always adored that sweet, innocent smile of yours. You never knew how it affected me and I wanted to keep it that way. I would not wish to lose your friendship for something as stupid as teenage hormones going wild.
Once out of the school doors we ran fast, screaming and laughing like boys of sixteen only could. Finally at the lake beach you flung your shoes off and paddled to the shallows. In slight amusement I watched from the shore at your bustleing. You bent down and pulled a green plastic bag seald tightly to protect whatever was insde from the my head I watched, now rather curious. You came back, splashing and sat on the sand. Patting the space next to you, you started to open the bag. You told me you wanted to make a vow of eternal friendship. Ofcourse I said I'd do it. I saw it in your eyes, you knew I would say yes. You were my best friend.
You pulled out a lighter I recognised as one belonging to your grandfather. Nobody else in our small town had such an elegant eagle emblem on their lighters. Next object made my smile drop just a tiny bit. For what followed the lighter was a pocket knife and a pack of Malboro sigarets, each belonging, again, to your grandpa. My nervousnes only grew as you explaned that the vow would not count if there was no blood. You insisted and finally I gave up. A little too happy you gave me the knife but I told you to do it first, shoveing the knife back. It looked sharp. I watched you shrug and slit your finger open. I could noteven start to guess why you had chosen your left ringfinger. As the ruby coloured liquid poured out, your mouth went to a thin line. I could tell how much it hurt. Grabbing the knife out of your hand and mimicing your action I just wanted it to be over. It hurt like a bitch. I knew I would feel the pain weeks after after this.
After we made our vow and got used to the steady throb of pain in our small wounds, you opened the half full pack of smokes and picked up one studying it. You turned to grin at me saying you had always wanted to try. Curious myself I tried too. As the saying goes, curiosity killed the cat. Cursing, chocking and regretting I coughed the smoke from my loungs. You goughed and cursed right next to me but stubbornly smoked the entire thing. I had to say no before I would hurl from coughing so much.
/
We sat infront of a store eating Ice cream. The midsummer day was hot. Sun shone and no clouds could be seen in the blue sky. You stared at the windows without noticing your choco flavoured Ice cream turned into a sticy goo runing down the cone to your fingers and further to your jeans coverd knee. I felt strange desire to lick it off of your hand. I sook my head and opened my mouth to notify you about the state of the ice cream when you said 'I want those, lets buy them' pointing at the window. Snapping my mouth shut I looked curious what did you want so bad that you let your precious chocolate ice cream melt. Why did you suggest we would buy anything was beyaond me since we both knew we did not have money. The thing you seemed to want were a pair of swiming shorts. Ugly yellow ones no less. I could not even begin to guess what force on earth made you want such things, but at your intens stare I promised to help you get them.
Getting in the store unnoticed was nearly impossible. Everytime you opened the door a little jingle would sound from the bell that was atached to the door. Amazingly we got through without a sound. You had propably done this before. I distacted the clerk while you snatched your new swiming shorts. As I ran from the shop with you, you laughed thrilled that we had succeeded in our little "mission" without a slightest suspicion from the woman behind the counter. I smiled and soon found myself laughing as well. We ran through the town and a small forest path to the lake. We collapsed on the sandy beach gasping for air. Your mirth had not yet reached its end as you held the shorts as if they were the most valuable trophy of war of somekind. I listened your laughter, enjoying every second. I had not heard that laugh much after school had ended almost a month ago. I did not ask about your moods being low, you would tell me if it was important, I was sure. I stayed silent but that silence did not mean I did not care or worry my friend. A summer breeze blew from the lake tossing your short hair. I wanted to touch it but dared not.
/
Seeing you covered in bruses was nothing I had not seen before. But me and your parents were the only ones in the entire town who knew where they came from. Everybody thought you were a little troublemaker and fought with some thugs outside the town. but I knew your grandfather just liked to use you as a punchingbag. It had been worse when we were small. Now he rarely caught up to you. You had learned to be fast to run.
I pressed the icebag against your cheek as we sat hidden in the forest at the old well. You hissed at the contact but otherwise stayed silent. I studied your face and my eyes stoped at the white vertical scar that ran through the right side of your mouth. That time you had cried, that time you were only seven. I had to drag you to the hospital and lied for you. You "fell down" the stairs. I knew, despite all this shit, you loved your grandfather. You did not want him in to trouble.
What made me furious no matter how old we got was that your parents did not seem to care. Not at all. It made me so mad, but I stayed my tongue. It was not my care of you was however and I made my best effort to do it right.
Sitting at the well I could feel your golden eyes on me so I turned to meet your gaze. You stared, I had to ask why. At my question you only tilted your head a little to the side, continueing your stare. I found myself unable to break the eyecontact, try as I may. After what felt like an eternity you released me from your cptivateing stare and droped your eyes a little to stare at something else. I was only too happy to get free, for something stirred inside me. Something I was afraid to acknowlege.
Being too busy trying to control myself, I missed the part you leaned closer. I only suddenly found your soft lips on mine in a hesitant yet an eager kiss. Shocked I could not move a muscel then. With my lack of recponse you pulled back to gaze at me, eyes full of fear of reject or disgust they might find in mine. You could not find eiter, so you decided to try again. It was sweet and gentle and made me respond to it. It made my frozen mouth move with yours. As I carefully pulled you closer I thought if I would admit liking my best friend more than as a friend, would I be the only one to do so?
/
Riding a dry and dusty road with bikes, under the scorching sun of the late summer was not the most comfortable things but we did not mind even when the sand tried to get in our mouths and eyes. We had come to the sand pit a lot that summer. It had always been a place we could talk freely a place we could be alone. That summer the activitys were not just talking. Maybe the sand pit was not the wisest choise for the first time with your lover but atleast it was interesting.
You had confessed your atraction for me before I could. You had always been the more forward of us if not the most tactful. You had kissed me and it had changed from carefull to passionate, almost desperate in seconds. Things had lead from one tho another and before we noticed we were gasping for breath and trying to get the sand off of our sweaty, bare skin. Neither of us regretted it though. I smiled at the memory as we came to the pit and that smile soon turned into a laugh as I watched you stumble, slide and down right fly down the steep walls of the pit to the bottom of it. I followed you more carefully. I expected you to curs at me but laugh as well. you did neighter. You had been unusually down that day and I had not seen a single smile. It worried me a little.
I watched as you tried to get the sand from your clothes with a grim expression. I could not help but laugh as you realized you couldn't get the sand off unless you undressed complitely. cursing you striped and I admired your bare skin in the sunlight. Too soon for my taste you dressed up and sat on the sand. You were unusually quiet. I knew you wanted to talk and needed time to get words right but this took a little too long. Sitting next to you I finally asked what was wrong. All I receaved was a sigh. You pulled the pack of Malboros and the lighter from your pocket. Through the summer you had learned how to smike properly without chockeing and I envied you. Just a little.
I waited you to smoke the sigaret in peace just studying your face carefully. You caught me looking and glanced at me questoningly. In that glance I saw something else than just question. The sadness and bitternes there shocked me. Finally you tossed the stump of a sigaret away and turned to face me. My heart climbed to my throat and I swear it stoped there for a second at your words. 'I'm leaving. Far away to a big city... next week...' before I could answer you continued 'My mother hates it here. And they make me go with them' you jumped to your feet and started kicking the sand and small rocks around in anger. I could not say a your words finally sunk in, the sadness and bitterness I saw in you flled me aswell. Why had you not told me sooner? How could you do this to me? How could they do this to us? I wished at that moment that you wouldn't have confessed to me. I loved the idea that you wanted your feelings noticed but it angerd me that you would do this. It would have hurt enough, had you not, but now it would hurt that much more. I wanted to shout at you, but I knew better. This hurt you just as much as it did hurt me. I watched in silence as you raged at the unfairness of life. Your rage died into helpless sobs and pleas to god or what ever being there was, that they would let you stay. You collapsed in my arms. I wraped my arms around your shakeing shoulders and bit my lower lip so that I would not break down as well. I could not stop my own tears from falling.
/
The well in the forest held many memories for us. We had met there as children for the first time. You had been lost and crying and I had found you. It was our meeting place. it was a place I took care of you when you got beat up. It held the secret of our first kiss. Now it would share our last goodbye.
We sat on top of the well. Neither of us knew what to say. I had not talked to you inthe past week, for it had been too painful. It was that now too but I could not let you disappear from my life without a proper farewell. You seemed to get more and more anxious as our time sped towards its end. I glanced in your direction, seeing your eyes starting to redden again from the tears you desperately held back. I took your hand in mine and lifted it to my lips. You leaned your forhead against my shoulder and wept quietly. I felt like crying but I had shead all my tears the past week, I had to stay strong for your sake.
All too soon came the time for you to leave. We stood up, me still holding your hand. You promised to call every day, we both knew you would not. At that I pulled you in a tight hug and could not have let go. We heard your mother calling you from the distance. Soon she would come looking. You pulled away from the hug enough to press your lps on mine for one last kiss. In that one simple contact I felt my whole wold go down. What would I do when you were gone? I pulled you closer desperately. A futile attempt to keep you with me few seconds longer. You pulled back forceing me to let go. You turned around and ran disappearing quickly from sight and from my life. I sat down on the ground leaning my back to the cold hard ring of stones that made the well. Cradeling the two metal objects that you had given me, to my chest. The pocket knife and the lighter were the only things that would remind me of you.
...
I sit on the wooden chest and listen to your steps on the stairs leading to the attic. How long have I sat there I do not know. I turn my eyes to you as you lean to the frame of the door, watching me with those warm golden eyes.
"Did you find the book, Malik?" you ask, arching one eyebrow up. I stand up still holding the box and walk to you, smilng.
"No. But I did find the past..." I can see my words confuse you as you take the box I hand to you. I watch as the cofusion change into understanding. Laughing lightly you take your pocket knife and lighter from the box studying them.
"Yes. You did indeed" you press your still smiling lips on to mine in a gentle kiss.