REASON 1: DUDLEY STOLE HIS WEED

A fat pudgy boy that resembled a pig walked into his cousin's room.

'It has to be around here somewhere,' he said to himself, 'he can't have hid it that well. He opened all the drawers, and then he came to one that revealed his underwear (if you can call them that). He picked one up in his pudgy little hands and held it across from his eyes.

"Damn," he said, "these are small. He really has no arse. Although," he held them up to the designated spot, or lowered them, and stared at himself in the full length mirror. "I would look totally sexy in these; then again, I look good in everything." The human pig threw the leopard printed boxers on the floor and continued to rummage through Harry's things, but he didn't notice that attached to the leopard printed boxers were Care-Bear boxers, and everyone knows about Dudley's secret infatuation with Care-Bears (his fourteenth birthday was Care-Bear themed). "Where the hell is it!!?" He said, yelling this time. He walked over to the bed and noticed a floorboard that went slightly up when he stepped on its end. 'It can't be because of my physique,' he thought running his hands through his many curves, 'that must be where his stash is.' The human pig crouched down, with great effort, and picked up the floor board. Sure enough, there lay a brown paper bag. Dudley reached into the hole and forced his hand inside the hole to retrieve the bag. He opened it slightly and saw what he had been looking for: a brown paper bag. He ran out of Harry's room and jumped down the steps shaking up the neighborhood, and possibly, the world.

AT THE WIZARDING WORLD:

A man that resembled a snake sat in his fluffy chair with a boa (that refers to the fluffy things rich people sometimes wear to make themselves look like animals) around his neck. His snake, Nagini, was circling around him while his 'loyal' followers sat in groups of two sipping (chugging) their tequilas. The Dark Lord with a fluffy boa rose up from his seat and walked over to his followers.

"Today, we dance," he exclaimed receiving yelps of appreciation and excitement. The others rose as Nagini started the disco music, but as soon as they got positioned to dance, they all collapsed from a sudden tremble in the floor.

"What the hell was that!!!" shouted the Dark Lord with the fluffy boa, angry that someone would dare interrupt his disco party.

"Are the giants on the move again?" said one named Snape.

"No," answered Bellatrix, "my sources tell me it is a pig of some sort jumping at privet drive.

"What exactly are your sources?" asked Lucius as he helped his dance partner, Snape, get up. Then, Nagini got the stereo to work and they began their 'Funky-Jam Dance Party of the Evil Boa-Wearers' as they called it.

BACK AT PRIVET DRIVE:

Harry rushed inside after feeling the sudden quakes in the earth, only to be encountered by his favorite uncle, Uncle Vernon.

"Was that you boy!! Did you do this!! Oh you'll get it now!!" said Vernon whom resembled a pig too, but a much older one. He had Harry's collar in his fist and raised him a few inches from that ground. As if responding to his question, Dudley arrived from down the stairs and showed his father what he could do, the brown bag tucked away safely in his drawers (if you know what I mean). Vernon released Harry, but he stared at him with a look that said 'I-will-kill-you-while-you-sleep'. Harry walked upstairs to his room, but when he opened the door, he knew something was wrong.

'Why are my favorite care bear boxers on the floor? Without them, I can't do my care bear stare.' He thought to himself. He went to pick up his lovely boxers and noticed the loose floor board. "Oh no he didn't," he said as he thought of the worst. He slowly leaned over to peek inside, and then he saw it, or rather, didn't see it. "My weed!! My precious weed!! DUDLEY!!!" he yelled. Shockingly enough, nobody heard him say weed (muggles seemed oblivious of the word whenever it was mentioned), but Dudley heard him shout his name. Dudley quickly ran out the door sending quakes to all corners of the world. Harry reached into his trunk and threw out everything, even the invisibility cloak and the Marauders Map. He finally got to the very bottom and took out his wand from the pair of socks Dobby gave him for Christmas. He ran out the door, wand in his hand, and quickly cast a spell to stop the shakes. Seconds later, he received an owl holding a letter. He took the letter and read it:

Dear Harry,

Thank you for stopping the pig from interrupting our Funky-Jam Dance Party of the Evil Boa-Wearers.

Love forever,

Dark Lord with a Boa.

He threw it aside after reading it and resumed the act of getting his weed back from Dudley.

Meanwhile…

Dudley thought he had outsmarted his cousin by going into his 'secret' hiding place. He crouched down with the bag in his hands and assumed the fetal position. Not soon afterwards, Dudley's thuggish pig-like friends came along.

"You got the weed, Dudders," said the one that was more baboon-like.

"Yea, where's the weed," said the other.

"I've got it right here, just like I said I would." He said flaunting the bag back and forth. All three looked at it greedily, excited to get a piece of it. The baboon took out the lighter while the other one made sure they were isolated, and Dudley, Dudley took out the weed. They each lit their own smoke and got high, together. Harry was still running, blind with fury.

"I smell it," he said, "my precious, I'll be there soon." He went where his nose led him and ended up in front of Dudley's gang, his high gang.

"What's up with the chicken at the end of the road?" asked the other as if drunk.

"You retard, we're high not drunk." Said the baboon as he tried to smack the other up side the head but hit himself instead.

"Hey, the chicken is flying! Fly beautiful chicken! Fly and be free! We will be together dear hippo of the lake." Yelled Dudley. His goons began to tear up, and Harry just stared with anger.

"I am not a chicken!" he yelled, "Although I am beautiful."

"That was beautiful Dudley," said the other completely ignoring Harry. "A tragic love story with romance, violence, and angst."

"THAT'S MY WEED YOU'RE USING!!" yelled Harry louder than ever. Once again, the animals completely ignored him and went on with their smoking. Fed up with their insolence, he went over and pulled out the weed from their mouths. He then got the bag, his bag, the bag with his precious, and ran back to his room where he could be alone. Dudley and his goons remained sitting, still talking about flying hippo's and beautiful chickens.

Harry trudged up the stairs, ignoring the yells from his ancient pig-like uncle, and went to his corner with his precious brown bag. He too assumed the fetal position, but he didn't do just that, he did more than that, he rocked back and forth as well.

"Don't cry my precious, precious is safe now. There is nothing to fear. You are home with me my precious," said Harry all the while caressing the bag.

"But surely you will get back at that pig. He took us and must be punished." Responded the weed.

"Finally you talk to me, after all these months! I thought I was talking to myself."

"We were testing you. Now about the pig-"

"I will destroy the pig and make him a hippo. How does that sound?"

"Wonderful. Bwa ha ha ha ha."

"You have a beautiful laugh my precious."

"Thank you master. But you must do something else, something more than that. You must do something that will hurt him above all. You must become angsty and emo."

"I don't see how that will help, my precious."

"DARE YOU DEFY THE PRECIOUS!!" said the weed in a tone eerily identical to Dumbledore's.

"Of course not. I will do as you say, my precious," finished Harry as he dosed off to sleep.

BACK AT THE WIZARDING WORLD:

The dark lord officially changed his title to dark lord with a boa in the middle of the Funky-Jam Dance Party of the Evil Boa-Wearers. Everyone, of course, went along with it.

"I'm soo tired Lucius. Let's sit down," said Snape to his dance partner.

"I'm pooped as well," replied Lucius. The dance partners walked towards the seats which had remained unmoved the whole time. Voldemort, at the moment, was doing the worm with Nagini, until he caught sight of them.

"Ahem," he said loudly. Nagini cut off the music and everybody turned to the Dark Lord. "This party will not stop until I say so. If anyone tries to sit and or stop dancing, they will have to face the wrath of the evil French eating bunnies. Is that understood," he said glancing at Lucius and Snape which stood up quickly. "Good, now dance!! Dance until your feet bleed and fall off from hypothermia!!!"

A/N: for those that don't know and have played Prince of Persia, the fetal position is the position the guy is in when he finishes seeing a vision.

A/A/N: this was my first fanfic…flames are welcome…somewhat encouraged…reviews are good too…

A/A/A/N: I thought it was kind of weird…but still…I posted it…