Greetings mortals! I, Loki, rightful prince of Asguard, have concocted a bed time story all about me! I shall now recite it to you!
Once upon a time, (I am told this is how stories begin in Midguard) a small frost giant was born. A very small frost giant. Laufey, king of the frost giants, hid it away in shame.
Only for it to be found later, by Odin. And the king decided to take in this tiny frost giant. And so I was born into Asguard.
I was to be Odin's heir! The mighty prince! Except Odin forgot about the fact that he already had a son! Named Thor.
And Odin pretty much guaranteed that one of us would grow up to hate the other. I remember when he, Thor and I were walking down a hallway and this was what he said.
"Only one of you can ascend to the throne. But both of you were born to be kings!"
Yes. He really said that. Father of the year.
Anyway, most people believe that Thor grew up to be the most beloved. BUT THEY'RE WRONG!
I grew up with a beautiful mane of silky black hair and brilliant green eyes, while Thor became horribly disfigured the older he got! He had a cleft chin, blue eyes the color of the sea, flowing blond hair the color of the sun and very large chest and abdominal muscles. Disgusting!
So Odin was very much attached to me! I sat next to him at feasts and he always played with me. I had an interest in sorcery, and so did Odin! Meanwhile, Thor was dumb brute who relished in the spoils of battle and bloodshed. He was also not fond of vowels.
He even named his sword, Mjölnir! After the mighty hammer that he would never get because Odin liked me better! But Thor really wanted the hammer, so one night he snuck into the realm of the frost giants, and made a pact with Laufey to slay Odin. Only to betray Laufey, to impress Odin? Something like that.
But anyway, it started a whole war and an evil blue glowing stone and a bunch of other stuff.
Back to me, Odin banished Thor to Midguard and gave me Mjölnir, which I then changed the name of, to Lokinir. And then, I patiently waited for Odin to expire so that I could be crowned King of the Gods!
After which I decided to check with Thor, so I flew over to "Earth" and found him working in a mortal "gas station." His boss had forced him to chop his blond hair into a short buzz cut, and he was slouching. Yes!
"Hey bro." He said.
"What?" I asked.
"'Sup," He pronounced. I realized happily that Earth had scrambled his brain, causing him to speak gibberish. I did a quick happy dance and cheered. Although after Thor began insulting my honor in public, I had to leave. This is what that fool had the nerve to say.
"Dude, wanna go get some nachos and catch a movie? I hear the new one's gon' be totes sick!"
Disgusting! Anyway, I left after turning him into a very ugly toad, (He insulted me first!) and I very happily ruled Asguard with an iron fist, and forced people to make statues of me.
So then I lived powerfully ever after!
The end!
Sleep well mortals!