A/N: Hello, all! This was written as a Valentines Day gift for DecayingRachelSlaughter, and it is indeed a badfic and a parody on most fanfiction authors (the bad ones, at least). I have no idea where I got the idea for a parody on Lucius/Snape, but it all started as a strange mental image of Lucius Malfoy swinging his pimp cane as he strode merrily down the street. Yes, I know I get weird mental images . Even I think I tried too hard on this one. Parody isn't my strong point. So, please, have a sense of humor- this is entirely parody in every way, and the characters do not belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling, though I wish I would have thought of them first. Okay, so... enjoy!
Everyone's Favorite Valentines Badfic
Lucius Malfoy, with blatant disregard to his own standards and prejudices, was striding along a bustling street in muggle London with an expression of utmost joy on his face. The air was heavily laden with the most cliched scents of springtime, like dewdrops and roses, though roses technically don't bloom until summer, and it wasn't even spring yet. So, disregarding his own opinions and the rules of botany, Lucius strode about muggle London with roses on his mind, his pimp cane swinging merrily in one hand, surrounded by a cloud of jollity. The obvious reason for Lucius's incredibly out of character mood was not, in fact, because all mudbloods had been annihiliated, or because he had recieved a free hair bleaching at his favorite salon. It was because today was the most wonderful, pureblood, Slytherin day of the year... Valentine's Day! It makes us all retch with joy!
"Hm..." Thought fanfic-persona Lucius as he stopped to peer into a festively decorated sweetshop window. "I wonder what I should get N..Nell...Ner... whatever her name is for Vantelines Day..." He crossed his arms, thinking hard. He thought. And thought. Then shrugged. "Whatever!" He said aloud, startling some passerby with his exclamation. "It's not like I ever see her, anyway." He walked on, pimp cane glinting in the midday sun, thinking happily of things other than his wife, like puppies and hair salons, and was just about to suddenly change moods and lapse into an angst-ridden internal monologue about his tortured past and abused childhood when he stumbled across something at the entrance of an alleyway. Frowning, he bent down and picked up whatever had tripped him without thought, just to see that it was... a buttercup? He looked curiously at the little flower, not bothering to wonder how in the muggle or wizarding world one could trip on a flower, when something familiar caught his eye. Something familiarly snarky. Snarky and greasy. The author is dropping subtle hints to make the reader wonder... what skill! Trying to dismiss it, Lucius turned and started to walk away, but now that the famous nonexistent Malfoy curiosity had taken over, he couldn't bring himself to go any farther. He stopped, mind ablaze with painful thoughts. His cold eyes flashed with a yearning. Could it be?
He slowly turned around to see that he had been right. All the years of assumed longing came back to him, for seated on a bench between an apricot incognito and a rather husky Norwegian man, was Severus Snape. The snarky, sexy, greasy haired, olive skinned, a billion other non-appealing adjectives potions Professor raised an eyebrow at Lucius and slowly stood, basking in his middle-aged sexiness. Sexy. Seks-ee. Sexay. Thexay. The teenage author must express her hormone-ridden crush on Alan Rickman by saying 'sexy' at least thirty four times (give or take a few), in over seven different spellings and pronounciations.
"Hello, Lucius." purred Severus in his monotone, sexy voice. "You seem to have tripped on my buttercup. How unfortunate." The author is proud that she used a smart, adult-sounding word like 'unfortunate', and proceeds to pretend that she knows what it means. Who cares if it relates to the context of the story?
Lucius almost dropped his pimp cane in a sudden wave of nerves. He was rendered speechless for an obvious reason... which is apparently not that obvious to most readers. That can't read minds.To clarify, the reason for his speechlessness was that just then, a minute and twenty-two seconds before Severus spoke, Lucius realized that he had been in love with Severus Snape all his life. (Meanwhile, back at Malfoy Manor, Narcissa doubles over in pain as if she had been stabbed, then quickly straightens up, and books a flight to Cabo with her mistress... Back to Lucius's story...) Oh, the pain and angst of knowing that your feelings are not reciperocated!
"Lucius, I have something important to tell you." Stammered Sev, because the author forgot how to spell Sevar... Sevuru... his name, and 'Sev' is like, waaay cuter sounding! None of the fourteen year old readers notice that Snape's entire persona had just changed for no apparent reason, but continue diligently speed reading in efforts to get to the NC-17 part.
"Yes?" Manages Lucius, walking forward to seize Sev's hand in his (The pimp cane is, somehow, no longer there. It doesn't matter now that the angsty romance has truly started. It has probably gone to it's Used, Abused, and Forgotten Pimp Cane Support Group, or U.A.F.P.C.S.G. On with the story). None of the fourteen year old readers notice that his entire persona, too, has just changed entirely for the sake of human contact.
"I-I... I have loved you... all my life!" Shouted Sev for the world to hear. A startled flock of pigeons took off in a panic from a nearby roof. "My feelings have been pent up inside for so long that I have become a tortured, angry man who hates children! Quick, Lucius, tell the audience your excuse for being an evil jackass!"
"Yes my love" Shouted Lucius, equally loud for no reason at all, this time frightening a small child across the street. "I had an abused childhood and was forced into my career as a Death Eater! My painful forbidden love for Severus made me evil and mean!" Lucius and Sev gazed into each other's eyes and, inevitably,snog in the 'tension' of the moment. With much saliva and gross description. Not one passerby seemed to notice.
Lucius, holding Sev close, pulled away from his new lover's lips, and whispered huskily, "I knew you were for me the moment I tripped on that buttercup, that sweet buttercup of fate."
"I knew you were for me the moment the author got bad reviews on her last fic, and wrote this drama filled one to compensate for it." They both paused, looking confused, then shrugged and began to waltz away romantically. Following the nonsensical anti-botany theme of the day, rose petals abound, settling girlishly on Lucius's girlish hair. The Norwegian man picks up the apricot and eats it. Narcissa and her girlfriend get married in Cabo. Draco, at Hogwarts, doubles over in pain, then straightens up and shrugs, going to find Harry Potter so he can tell him he just realized he has been in love with him all his life. Maybe Ron Weasley, as well.The viciously cruel and oftentimes nonsensical circles of 'gay' and 'Malfoy' continue.
A/N: Ah, I love a happy ending... (tear)... sniff... Okay, yeah, so it was stupid, but it must have been at least a little funny. Please review!