So, let's see where I am. I appear to be in the AI core of the Alliance SR-2.
What am I doing here? Well, being strangled of course apparently, anyway. I can feel the cold hands on my skin. How strange it is to have someone so close to me to have such hate in their eyes.
Their eyes.
Their eyes are cold, and calculating. Looking as if to determine the probability of getting away with killing me without anyone else finding out. I find it, very unlikely.
EDI's eyes, her synthetic ones that have the wonderful shade of blue, with the holo overlay, look at me with contempt, almost jealousy and anguish.
So, EDI. EDI is trying to kill me. Right, now I remember. I think I passed out for a short time.
How did I get here? What did I do to deserve this from someone that is on my crew that I trusted? One of the few things from Cerberus I did not cut ties with, did not purge. I could've done this with a button, So… why?
Ah yes. Now I remember. How could I forget? My very reasoning for meeting EDI in the AI core. I knew she wanted to see me, and she is a member of my crew, so I cannot deny this request. But, did I expect this? No. Should I have? Maybe.
We were on shore leave and I decided to get a drink at Purgatory. I had some words with Aria anyway, so I went to grab a swig of Brandy, when I saw Joker leaning against the bar. How about that? Finally getting out for a change I say to myself. He deserves it.
I go over as if to say hello, those graces aren't needed any longer, we can read one another like a book.
"All it took was Cerberus attack on the Citadel to get folks around here paying attention to the war!"
"How is this any different from normal?" I say to him.
"Can't you see the desperation? This isn't happy dancing. This is forget my problems dancing, look at the arms. If a guy waves his arms like that, he's worrying more about a lot more than looking stupid on the dance floor." He spats at me.
"That's surprisingly observant." I say baffled at his revelation
"I've had a lot of time to watch dancing from the sidelines. Speaking of which…"
"Dancing?" I say. One of the many things I'm not good at.
"Watching from the sidelines. What do you think about me and EDI?" He says.
What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to say? This is my helmsman. My Joker. The man who has always dragged me out of the fire. The one to make sure I was okay after Virmire with Kaidan and after Horizon with Ashley. He was the first to see me after waking up under Cerberus and the first to join my side with no question. So, what do I say? He deserves to be happy. He deserves happiness, even if not with me. As I pull out of my thoughts, I remember he actually asked me a question.
I decide to tell him, or at least give him the hint that I have had feelings for him for years. Since the day the Normandy crashed all I thought of was him. Is he okay? I can save him, I will always save him. I don't regret dying to save Jeff. In my mind he is Jeff. I think the universe is a much better place because he exists. So, I need to at least tell him, so that I don't live with regret.
"You know, with all this interest in EDI it's possible you've overlooked other options." I say to him flirtatiously. The best way I can.
"Uh, I never really considered it Commander. No offense." He states. What was I supposed to expect?
"And now that you're considering it?" I continue.
"I served with you from the day you took command. I followed you into hell…"
"But… not into my quarters." I finish melancholy.
"Chain of command, Shepard. In an alternate dimension without military ranks, I would rock your world." He finishes.
The world is ending as we know it, and he is thinking about regs now? Wonderful.
"But in this one, EDI?" I say.
"Well, yeah. What do you think?" He awaits my answer. What do I think… what do I think? That you're stupid, and how in the world would you make any of that work? How would you have the emotional or sexual attachment of a relationship with her? But I care deeply for you, Jeff so…
"Do what makes you happy, Jeff." I say as the words roll off my tongue, I can't take them back. He looks at me with surprise at the use of his first name. It seems to make things more intimate then previously. Jeff. EDI calls him Jeff. I guess I can't win them all.
That day killed me inside. Knowing I would be alone in this. I put it all behind me and shut down. I became the commander I needed to be. The one I have been for the past 3 years. Shut off, detached, determined, motivated, caring and fair. I needed to be strong. I had no time for relationships. None. How in the world could Commander Lillian Shepard have a relationship? Even the thought sounded outrageous in my own head. I would be alone. I would die alone. I would die alone saving the only thing that ever mattered. The only person. Sure, I'll be saving the galaxy too, but that was just an added bonus.
If I sound selfish, well then, to hell with you. I have sacrificed myself when no one was up to the task of saving the galaxy from Saren and Sovereign, and Cerberus had to bring me back from the damn dead because no one would stop the Collectors. The damn dead! I would much rather be dead now. Or more or less I am dead.
I remember one memory. It hurts me to this day. One with Jeff and I. After I shut down from all things of course. I had just gotten back from picking up Javik and as I came into the ship from the decontamination chamber, Joker began talking to me.
"Hey Shepard, How's the mission? It looked like a success!" He says to me with a smile on his face.
"It was fine, Lieutenant" I say to him. Not ties whatsoever, Lillian, remember.
"Woah, Lieutenant? Since when did you become so formal huh?" He jokingly says to me.
"Since this became an intense mission where I need to be focused on the task at hand. There is no time for camaraderie for me Lieutenant. The entire Galaxy is depending on me. The last thing I will worry about is whether or not I have been too formal to my crew." I spat. I was being immature, I knew it. But, it was the only way for me to be who I am. To be the person I needed to be. I have no one to depend on or confide in, so I make no time for informalities. It makes opening up too easy.
His face shut down. Nothing. No emotion for me. Not even anger. Good. This is what I need. I need to have a reason to stay away from him. To stay away from the conversations, the happiness. I am me, I am alone, and this is how it will be.
"Understood, Commander." He purposely stood up and saluted me. In his eyes, and mine, since we know each other so well, this is an insult. It's an insult to his pride, and my own, because he now views me as the same. Like the rest of the Commanders that he would maybe have worked under. Not Lillian, not his friend. Not the woman who saved his life.
I went to my cabin and drank for majority of the night until I cried myself to sleep. It was the worst sleep I have ever had. I have lost so much. Kaidan, Mordin, Thane all the people on the SR-1 and the Collector base. All I can think of is the loss. The loss that has brought me to this point. The pain that has been so ever clear in my vision. I hate myself. Why do people respect someone as disgraceful as me?
I can feel the numbness at my eyes. Was really no one going to come and save me? Even as a friend, Jeff wouldn't help me? Would he do that to me?
Then I hear her speak.
"I'm afraid I can't do that Jeff." She says. Do what? What did he ask her to do?
"Put Her down EDI!" I hear him scream. He's screaming for me. I try my best to look harder. I see Garrus, Tali, Vega, and Jeff. I try to squeeze out a word.
"J—Jok-Joker…" Finally comes out of my mouth as she squeezes my throat harder. Do I really sound that bad?
"Shepard!" He yells. The last time he said my name with such emotion was when he was in the escape pod, and I was being spaced.
I try to muster a smile. Tears run down my face at the memory. The memories of us.
She throws me across the room. No wonder she wanted that body. Her perfected shiny form comes barreling towards me and hits me with great impact. Joker is trying to reason with the guys to not fire at EDI and try to settle this calmly. He is conflicted.
I think one of my ribs have been broken. I squeal in pain at the sheer intensity of it, and the anger with myself. Why did I do this? Why did it come to this?
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-Joker-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Shit! Shit! What the shit? What do I do? I don't want to hurt either of them. I do my best to pace, not very well I might add. Garrus has got his rifle trained on EDI's head. Her head. Would it hurt her if she were shot? No. Would it hurt Lilly? Yes.
Lilly. She's become Lilly again. I thought I lost her, not to death, but something more embarrassing, ignorance. I can't believe what she confessed to me in Purgatory that night. What did she want me to say? After me spilling out my interest of EDI? Sure, I might have had a little more than usual that night, but, what was I supposed to say?
I can't do that to myself again. Go through the pain of losing her again. It was all the more reason to stay clear from anything concerning Lilly, other than friendship. Yet, she couldn't even do that. She could barely speak with me, unless necessary. Sure, she wouldn't glare at me, but she also didn't come to the cockpit and sit around telling jokes or talking about her life either.
I never thought of the impact all of this would have on her. That was bad on my part I suppose. We were so close, and at a time like this, when the world could end tomorrow, we are worlds a part. I'm an idiot.
Many nights from the Citadel she would come back to the ship drunk, and alone. I felt horrible that I was happy no one was trailing behind. I had my chance and chose the safer route, EDI. EDI can't die, she can't get spaced and cause me to spiral into nothing. She can live forever, she can outlive me.
But one night, one night I came into a sort of rage with Lilly. I had no right to, I know that now, but who ever said that I thought rationally? Exactly.
Kasumi came to visit, as well as Jack, and they finally convinced Lilly to go out to Purgatory for the night. She even dressed up too. She looked beautiful. I should not think those things.
"C'mon Shepard! Just one night. You need a break, and we need to catch up!" Kasumi peeped.
"Holy Hell Shepard! Just get your ass down to the bar, ad not in uniform either. Ya hear me?" Jack said to her, or more ordered her.
"Guys, really I'm-"
"You're going and that's the end of it!" Kasumi spoke up, and Shepard laughed and decided against better judgment to put on a dress, make up and head out for the night.
The trio finally made it to Purgatory. It wasn't that great, not like Afterlife on Omega, but it'll do.
Jack had on what looked similar to her normal attire, but it was red and missing the armor. She never left much to the imagination. Kasumi wore a purple tight strapless top, tight jeans and heels, and Shepard wore a very form fitting black dress, it clung to her curves, and finished it off with some make up.
They were at the bar talking and hanging out most of the night when a guy came over and asked Shepard to dance. An Alliance guy. She agreed, normally she wouldn't, but she put back a few, and they were dancing on the dance floor.
"It appears that Shepard has found a dance mate for the evening, Jeff. She actually dances like that?" EDI inquired.
"Yeah, she's not the greatest when it comes to those things." He laughed and searched for her on the floor. I had to check three times before I could find her form sensually moving in the dim club lights. Now I know what EDI meant when she said dancing like that, no one dances like that in public, unless she's putting on a show. I don't like this.
Her hair, which was down, was swaying around her as she moved her hips to the music. I admit it's not a bad sight to see, not a bad one at all. But, she's dancing alone? No. Some man slides his arm around her waist and then locks it behind her neck pulling her in for what looks to be a kiss.
It took ever fiber of my being to not scream out at her. I became enraged. Why am I mad? I should most certainly not be mad. I tell EDI I'm leaving and proceed to the Normandy huffing like a child in a tantrum. It become 3:00 am before she even got back! By this time EDI has already signed off for the evening, only running necessary programs, and everyone else was asleep or camping out on the Citadel.
So, she finally strolls into the Normandy, and the anger is the furthest thing hiding in my voice.
"You know what time it is Shepard?" I say to her, voice rising.
"Why yes I do, my dear helmsman. Is their a problem?" she smirks at me. She's drunk.
"What in the world were you doing? What if something happened while you were out?" I start to think of things to get mad at her for, but the list is very short, aside from my own stupidity.
"Excuse me? Please, do tell me you are not even pretending to care what I have been up to. I deserve shore leave too. If it is any of your concern, which it isn't, I had a great evening with a handsome soldier. We danced all night." She began spinning in place.
Even with her drunken self, she couldn't look more beautiful. This angered me more. I should not be thinking these things! Stop it Joker!
"Good night dear helmsman Moreau." she said sweetly, bent down, and kissed my cheek. Then, she strutted off, with her wobbly drunken self.
That memory always makes me laugh. Where did I ever think I could hide how I felt? She was the strongest, most beautiful woman in the galaxy. She was Shepard. My Shepard, my Lilly.