Sarcasm
A Bankotsu/Jakotsu fic
Warnings: Ere...what? Cross dressing, slight yaoi hints, and a huge deal of sarcasm, slight swearing. And a scheming Renkotsu. Oohh...EVIL...
Bankotsu watched and shook his head slightly as his third in command stomped off into a nearby village, raving about wanting to kill something as soon as possible. Jakotsu had been acting up all day though a series of unfortunate events that left him more grumpy then Kyokotsu without food. And the worst part of the mood, he thought, was the sarcasm that dripped off each word his paramour said today.
Seated in the outer gallery of the mansion they had been provided for this mission, Bankotsu looked around. There were no other hints of danger amongst the other members of the Shin'tachi...yet. Everything had 'NORMAL' written on it with big block letters, all over the mansion/large house consisting of seven bedrooms, bathrooms, living room/kitchen and large porch; all built of the same kind of deep brown colored wood.
And they should be normal too: he was the only one being affected by Jakotsu's sarcasm. Suikotsu was currently in his ultra-evil mode, so the person who usually noticed changes in others was not present. The rest of them were simply too dense, and Renkotsu, the only other smart/sensitive-to-change person, couldn't care less if Jakotsu went to hell. The two simply hated each other.
It was only Bankotsu who was around Jakostu enough to notice or care about the difference in his mood. Especially since he kept on falling for the sarcastic remarks for a full five seconds before he noticed the sarcasm cascading out like a waterfall.
Really! Bankotsu thought disapprovingly, There was a limit! Even if you did fall off the bed this morning ...then almost cut your hand off while trying to help with breakfast...then found a chip in Jakotsusou,...er...then got into an argument with Renkotsu...then tripped over and ripped his scarf, fell down the stairs, almost twisting his ankle...ok, he admitted it, the day had been horrible on the poor guy. He didn't even let Bankotsu and his tactics cheer him up like usual. A bit of sake might have put an end to this. An example of what he's had to put up with all day:-
Bankostu: Ja, where's my Banryuu?
Jakotsu: (shrugs) I threw it out the window.
Bankotsu: (a great deal of spluttering and shock later)Jakotsu...you weren't sarcastic were you?
Suikotsu: Aniki, it's in your room.
Bankotsu: (breathing sighs of relief) You don't have to be so mean, Jakotsu.
Jakotsu: (storms off to kills something) Humph.
It was easy to see why this was annoying him as much as it was. It was just that he trusted Jakotsu so much, he couldn't get over whatever came out of his mouth. He even took roundabout a minute to figure out the sarcasm! And by then, he had been made into a laughing stock to others and himself. And the goofy expression of disbelief on his face certainly did not bring back his dignity. Therefore, he decided he had to something about this and fast.
Right, he determined, if I don't do it now, then Ja is going to drive me crazy. Seriously. I'm going to be as staving mad soon. Since, I only have a few more hours to decide my fate. I have to do all I can to save myself.
And so, Bankotsu sat down to await for Jakotsu's return. Unfortunately for him, however, there was a few bottles of magic stuff sitting innocently by him. And by the time Jakotsu was back, Aniki, despite his previous practice, was completely wasted.
Being drunk only made your mind more fuzzy, Bankotsu decided, trying to walk straight. No matter how experienced the man was with sake, he still wobbly. He was definitely not in state to retort to Jakotsu's smart witted sarcasm right now.
Then, all at once, he noticed a bush moving in the gardens, a glance of purple cloth announcing his third-in-command's return. The scowl on his face announced his mood.
"Hey! Ja!" Bankotsu called, his speech slurred due to the heavy intake of sake he just had. "Ban." Although Jakotsu called him by the 'loving' nickname he had set him, but his tone was monotone enough to compete with Sesshomaru's.
"Ja? Wanna have some sake?" he picked up the sake bottle, and tried to hold it in place but due to how shaky and slurry his arm was right then, he spilled it all over his long braid instead, in his half-lying-on-the-ground-position.
He put the bottle down and awaited Jakotsu's answer. The one with the scowl shook his head and instead proceeded to throw a branch (the one closest to him, happening to be medium sized, just light enough so Jakotsu could throw it that distance) at his drunk leader/lover.
Bankotsu, after he pushed the branch off of himself, smiled good heartedly. "Ja, what's wrong? Your acting like something happened!"
"Something DID happen. I got stuck with you all!" Jakotsu replied nastily.
"What? ARE WE THAT BAD?!" Kyokotsu, Mukotsu, and Ginkotsu cried, all simultaneously sticking their heads out of a window or door, with an added 'gesh' from Ginkotsu. Mukotsu feigned crying. "and here...(Sniff) we...thought...you liked us! WAAHHHH!" Mukotsu was a horrible actor.
Suikotsu and Renkotsu slapped their foreheads. Seeing that the other's weren't going to shut up any time soon, the both had to resort to violence to let Aniki settle Jakotsu's mood. A few seconds later, there were two tree's on top of the house, with Suikotsu and Renkotu standing there with overly guilty feigned looks. "Wwhhooppsie!" Renkotsu exclaimed. Suikotsu looked equally guilty (if they fell for his poor acting).
"Guys! We have to clean this up! Come on!" Renkotsu called, desperate to everyone away for Aniki and Jakotsu, for if they didn't, nothing would be dissolved. Which Renkotsu couldn't care less about, but when things weren't going well with Jakotsu, Bankotsu's mood was ruined and all he did was sit there drink sake all day. Affecting his rate of doing work and taking on missions. And the only reason Suikotsu was helping patch things up between Aniki and his third-in-command (while in his ulta-evil mode) was because he was the one who got the honor of taking care of a wasted/hang over Aniki. Not a fun thing to do. Especially not when Aniki had a habit of getting delusional when he was drowned in alcohol. A flashback came to him, the time when Jakotsu accidentally broke a ring on Jakotsusou, leading him into a bad mood, leading Aniki to drink the night away, resulting in a delusional Aniki jumping ALL OVER him the entire next day, positive that he was five, and Suikotsu looked like his mother. Things in the Shin-tachi were pretty much to the ripple-and-rock-in-a-pond effect. Suikotsu shuddered and picked up his pace in herding Mukotsu out of the room.
With their combined efforts, the rest of the Shin'tachi left the lovers alone.
"Sooooo...are you sure you don't want sake?" Bankotsu asked, his fuzzy, sake-filled brain being too slow to realize he was walking in a lions den, unarmed.
"I'm sooooo sure that I would love to glutton on sake and walk around like a drunk fool all night!" Jakotsu snapped, then sniffed delicately but sat down on the porch anyways.
Bankotsu smiled. "Really? Here you g-waaaait a second, are you being sarcastic Ja?" he peered over to his third-in-command to see him giving Bankotsu a dirty look as dirty as dirty looks get.
The leader gulped. This wasn't working out as properly as he thought it would...the rest of the guys had deserted him too! What was the plan? He racked his brains to find an answer, before remembering rather sheepishly that there was no plan to begin with. It was going to be a hit or miss-and-die.
"Erm...Ja?I know you had a bad day, but that not the reason to flare your bad mood at others. So, please get over it, ok?"
Jakotsu sniffed and relpied, "I had a bad day? I don't think so. After all, falling off the bed in the morning, almost cutting off your arm, falling down the stairs and almost twisting your ankle,ripping your scarf and finding a chip in your love isn't really a bad, IS IT NOW, ANIKI?"
"A chip in your love? By that you mean...?" Bankotsu questioned, a curious look on his normally smiling face.
"Jakotsusou, baka." Jakotsu explained irritably.
"Waaiit... wasn't I your love?" he asked, a pathetic puppy look on his face.
"No."
After a stretch of silence, "Ouch. That stings Jakotsu!"
"Really? It was meant to." the cross-dresser replied replied nastily.
"We really are not getting anywhere..." the leader said thoughtfully.
"Were we really meant to?" Nankotsu sighed and shook his head. "Jakotsu, you need sake. Come over here."
the aforementioned person shook his head. "What I really need is something to kill."
"You need sake!" Bankotsu insisted from his position on the lying sideways on the floor. He was not donning his armor right now, and was clad in a black hakama, a old one he wore at home.
"Do not. I need something to kill."
"Sake!"
"Kill."
"Ssssaaaaakkkkkeee!" Bankotsu stretched out the word like a hyper five-year-old. (Run, Suikotsu, run)
"Kill. Now."
"There's nothing to kill here!"
"Except for you, if you don't leave me alone."
Aniki was taken back. Jakotsu had never gone to life threats before...he knew he was no real match, but Bankotsu really REALLY didn't want to have to fight him. And he knew that. He was just using it to his advantage. "Come on Jaaaaaaaa..." Bankotsu's drunken form flopped his head over Jakotsu's lap. Jakotsu took the rest of the sake bottle, and poured over it over his already-slightly-delusional leader, and stood up, letting his leader's head fall and strike the floor beneath.
"That hurts Jaaaa!"
"Your head won't be the only thing hurting if you don't stop trying to convince me to drink sake with you!" 'Ja' threatened through clenched teeth.
"You're being a spoilsport, you know that?" Bankotsu asked, rubbing his head.
"Oh, no I was under the impression that when a person threatens the life of another, it means they're in the best of moods!"
"Ja...if your being sarcastic again..."
"Oh, no, Aniki! Who told you I was being sarcastic? I'm not sarcastic, does this look like sarcastic?" Jakotsu asked in a tone that was most definitely sarcastic, although why Bankotsu didn't notice was a miracle.
The younger man lying at his feet sighed. "Good thing if you weren't meaning it, but you DID sound a hell a lot sar- waaaait a second. Jaaaa...that last comment sounded like you were sarcastic too..."
"Mateku. You would think a person could detect sarcasm." Jakotsu spat.
"Was that a sarcastic comment too?" a drunk Bankotsu asked. "NO!" Jakotsu yelled, plopping back down, seeing as there was nowhere else to go. (the rest of the house/mansion was currently being repaired)
"If you say 'no' in a sarcastic voice...then it means yes...so the last comment was sarcastic...which would mean that...you were mocking me...sarcastically?" The leader of Shin'tachi struggled with his confusing thoughts.
"Try thinking when you're not drunk, Aniki." Jakotsu offered a piece of advice to the younger man, although not entirely in a kind voice.
A few seconds of suspicious silence passed. "Was that a sarcastic comment too, Ja?"
"NO!"
"No...that would make yes...that would mean..." Jakotsu heard the other man muttering to himself quietly, his mind trying to work despite it's intoxicated state.
"You know what I really need?" Jakotsu asked a few minutes later, when it became clear that Bankotsu was not going to stop muttering to himself anytime soon.
"What? What? What? Tell me! Tell meeeeeee!" Bankotsu bounced up and down, almost fully delusional into his occasional five year old self.
Jakotsu flicked his paramour in the nose, causing him to 'oof' and sit a bit more silently, waiting for an answer from Jakotsu.
"I need some cute guys to cut up. Now." he answered.
Bankotsu started hopping again. (The main hyper-ness and bouncing was the twitching in his voice and arms, he was still in his sideways pose on the floor.) "What? Aren't I cute?" he asked playfully.
Jakotsu looked at him and said with a surprisingly straight stoic face, "You are. But I need a guy I won't regret cutting up."
And suddenly, Bankotsu lost the playful five-year-old mood. "Really? You would beat yourslef up if you cut me up one day?"
Jakotsu sighed and replied wearily, "Yes, Aniki."
Bankotsu bounced over to the other man and leapt on him from behind, smiling and laughing. After a good minute of him trying to coo at and tickle the still-stoic Jakotsu, he became serious.
"Waaaait a second...you weren't being sarcastic were you?"
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Behind a corner, Renkotsu slapped his forehead. "Stupid Aniki...Jakotsu was almost in a good mood! I thought they'd hurry kiss and make up and this whole this would be over with!"
Suikotsu raised his eyebrow at his fellow spy. "You pervert! And you were here ready to watch them?"
Renkotsu shook his head. "Nop. I'm here to make SURE everything goes right before nightfall or they'll be in a worse mood tomorrow from lack of sleep."
Suikotsu's other eyebrow went up to meet the first. "And how do you to intend to do that? It's already getting dark." He pointed to the sky beyond the porch, which was, indeed being painted colors of the sunset. Pinks, shades of golden and purples streaked across sky as if it was a canvas for the sun's brush.
"Like this." The second-in-command grinned and stepped out from behind the corner hiding him. Jakotsu and Bankotsu were facing each other, obviously arguing about something when he pushed Bankotsu onto Jakotsu. Originally, Renkotsu was aiming for their lips to meet, but he had miscalculated their heights and how Jakotsu was leaning a little. Having missed, their heads banged (rather hard. REALLY hard. Renkotsu shoved Aniki with his entire existence put into the one simple push)and both fell to the ground, unconscious.
Suikotsu stepped out from the shadows. "Well...that's one way to get them to stop fighting..." he said, chuckling and scratching his head.
"And the best thing is, they won't remember me knocking them out." Renkotsu chortled.
"Why is that?" Suikotsu asked.
"They'll wake up with major headaches, and think it's hangover, therefore proving all their memories unreliable."
"You sound like you do this all the time..." Suikotsu narrowed his eyes on the second-in-command.
"I guess you'll never, will you?" He replied cheekily and then grinned again.
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I know Bankotsu wears blue and white as house colors, but imagine him in pure black. AWESOME! He would look MIND-BLOWING!
Does anyone else agree?
Heh...scheming Renkotsu is fun to write...
Ok...problems with this fic:- lack of plt, most definitely, and OOCness on Bankotsu's part? Let's just pass it off as sake. I hope this was as amusing for you to read as it was for me to write. Please review, I'm dying for feedback here! This is my first Shin'tachi fic!