AN: For the purposes of this story, Bleach and Harry Potter characters speak the same language, which we mundane mortals perceive as English.
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There was a punishing flaw in the plan.
For all of Albus Dumbledore's keen insight into the mind of Lord Voldemort, he could not predict the latter's actions perfectly. Such a thing would only be possible if the Dark Lord and the unrepentantly light wizard were one and the same, a ridiculous notion, of course.
Therefore, when Harry Potter called on the ghosts of his past to strengthen his heart, so that he could bravely surrender his life to Voldemort, he expected to be swiftly killed. After all, Voldemort would eliminate the Boy-Who-Lived with all haste on getting him into his grasp, owing to that crippling fear of death that Dumbledore so derided.
But now, Harry Potter watched, paralyzed and silenced yet still alive, as he was paraded in front of the defeated defenders of Hogwarts. The survivors were forcefully corralled in the Great Hall; a sea of downtrodden and fearful faces gazing into the fierce triumph of the dark side, separated by the upright, floating form of their Chosen One, displayed provocatively beside a sneering Voldemort.
"Do you see, my fellow witches and wizards, the magnitude of your failure? I am saddened, at this hour, of all the precious magical blood that has been spilled to try and change your irrevocable fates. I wish that such a thing shall never be repeated, but I fear that your weak hearts and minds will soon forget the loss that happened today under the wand of Lord Voldemort."
Despite this moving speech, the face of the Dark Lord showed only gleeful malice. "Allow me, then, to eradicate this symbol of false hope, the so-called Saviour of the Light, in a manner that will not soon be forgotten."
With this, the Dark Lord summoned a tattered cloak from within his robes, easily identifiable as a Dementor's cloak through simple comparison with those of numerous specimens keeping guard at the perimeter of the gathering. With the Elder Wand, he cut a horizontal slash through the cloak that absorbed it into the wand-tip, creating a black crack in space as the motion continued.
As the crack slowly widened and slid open, looking ominously like teeth opening up to reveal the abyssal mouth of Death itself, Lord Voldemort continued. "Behold, foolish rebels, this darkest devourer of beings that I command! A predator summoned forth from the depths of an underworld where Dementors are the lowest of prey, this beast will consume Harry Potter completely. Body, mind and soul shall all be utterly decimated as you watch and know forever the futility of resistance!"
Even as a few fainthearted observers reflexively trembled, the creature that appeared inspired no terror nor emitted the slightest of fear-inducing or bone-chilling auras. Remarkably human in appearance, it looked merely like a tall and somewhat thin man with wavy brown hair, pale blue-grey eyes and a faded goatee. Wrapped in a worn gray cloak, the heralded ultimate destroyer looked for all the world like a wandering beggar of vaguely Spanish descent.
A few Death Eaters cleared their throats in nervous disbelief, but there were two signs of danger. The man (for that was what he appeared to be in everyone's eyes) had an adornment similar to a choker at his neck that looked like the lower jaw of a fanged predator with a bigger mouth than himself. More worryingly, Nagini, who had been languishing at the feet of her master, sped off to the grounds faster than a scurrying rat.
The man turned to face Voldemort, somehow identifying him as the summoner. Voldemort confidently spoke, envisaging a workable alliance like the one he currently had with the Dementors. "I, Lord Voldemort, have called you here from your desolate home world. You will find that this is a much richer world, with thousands of souls waiting to be consumed. You need only obey my commands to never go hungry again."
The man swept his eyes over the crowd, giving no sign of being threatened by their numbers. He paused momentarily at the sight of Harry Potter, revolving slowly in the air like a grim decoration, but addressed Voldemort lazily, actually yawning before he spoke. "I had a meal only recently and I was enjoying a nice nap. I'm not really interested in eating again so soon."
Voldemort's pale visage contorted in anger. "How dare you disobey your master, filthy beast? Crucio!"
The man watched the approaching curse and did not even move out of the way. No, he just adjusted his position slightly so that the curse went straight through the middle of his chest and destroyed the High Table. It made a gash on both sides of his cloak though, revealing a circular hole that the curse had apparently passed through.
The man yawned again. "Why waste a perfectly good hole? Now, if you're finished, I'll be going back now. Lilynette will be missing me."
Voldemort was even more incensed at his dismissal as a threat. "You will learn your place, beast. Death Eaters, attack."
There was a series of sharp cracks, followed by pained howls. The few fanatics who had raised their wands found that they had a lost wand in addition to broken fingers. It took less than a second, but the creature (such an insanely fast and dangerous being was no mere man, surely?) now let a handful of wands clatter to its feet, appearing to have never moved at all.
Voldemort screamed in rage, but the creature certainly learned fast, as it immediately snatched the wand out of his hand, being near enough to not even injure him in the process.
There was an irritated huff. "Coyote Starrk, at your service. Since you insist on my eating something, I guess I'll start with this." The onlookers gaped as the now identified Coyote Starrk crunched up and swallowed the Elder Wand, the feared tool of many a dark wizard throughout history. As if clarifying things to possible doubters, Harry Potter fell to the floor with a pained grunt, released from his bonds with the destruction of the wand that cast the spell.
Feeling sure that he wouldn't be attacked again, Starrk opened up a Garganta to take him back to Hueco Mundo. As he was about to step through, that human child who had just been freed cried out. "Wait, please!"
Starrk let out a long-suffering sigh. "Sorry, kid. Not interested." He would have then happily gone back and forgot all about the weird humans and their little sticks, if not for one thing. His other half, being too impatient and impulsive, had jumped through the portal feet-first onto his neck.
There was a crash as Starrk landed on his back, followed by an angry scream from the young girl sitting on his chest. "Where did you vanish to, idiot?"
Voldemort used the distraction to grab the nearest Death Eater's wand and point it at the obvious hostage with an accompanied "Accio".
Starrk might not have understood the spell, but Lilynette had no sooner floated off of him than he immediately stopped whatever this Lord Voldemort was attempting by the simple measure of tearing off the arm attached to the stick. He heard some cheers from the humans at his right while his opponent screamed in agony.
Lilynette dropped to the ground with a squeak of surprise that was quickly overshadowed by anger once more. "What the hell? Why haven't you killed that ugly moron yet, Starrk? Never mind, just let me at him!"
Starrk held Lilynette back with one arm, looking warily at the crowd. The portal had closed up and it'd take only a few seconds to open another one, but this bunch looked a bit volatile, so he settled for explaining. "His soul is split, Lilynette."
Lilynette looked at Voldemort in shock and actually sniffed at the human foolish enough to attack her. "You're right. But I'm not letting this go, you hear me? Stop being so lazy and go find his other piece!" Without further ado, she pounced at her target.
With only one hand and no wand, Voldemort had no defense against what he knew to be a soul-devouring demon. Proving what a danger she was despite her appearance, Lilynette simply tore chunks off Voldemort and gobbled them up, starting with his throat to stop his annoying screaming.
Starrk groaned in resignation. Everyone looked too horrified to even approach them, but he decided to take some precaution. Kicking the bunch of sticks he had taken to the kid who had asked him to wait, Starrk informed him in a warning tone "You! Watch over Lilynette if you value your life and soul." before speeding away in search of the broken piece of soul that had run off when he appeared.
Harry valued his life and soul as much as the next wizard, though he had been prepared to sacrifice it an hour back. "Er, Lilynette? If you could come over here? I'm the only one with a wand on this side and there are a lot of people who'll want to hurt you."
Lilynette dropped the nearly dead Voldemort and flashed to his side, startling him as she plucked the wand out of his grasp. "What is this wand? Is it like a Zanpakuto?"
"A what?" asked Harry, confused at the strange term.
"Never mind, I don't sense any soul inside this thing." Lilynette declared, handing the wand back. She then drew herself up straight and faced the group of angry but terrified people opposite her who were supposed to be her enemies. "Any of you weak humans want to get a piece of me? That bastard Starrk thinks I can't do anything without him, but I'm ready to beat you up anytime, you hear me?" Unsurprisingly, no one took her up on her offer.
Within a few minutes, Starrk returned with Nagini held firmly in his arms. He looked around and was satisfied that no one had made any big moves in his absence, despite the mutterings and frantic whispered conversations. "This thing looks a bit like a snake, but it somehow has a piece of that human's soul inside it along with its own."
Lilynette frowned. "What, you're saying it's a Hollow?"
Starrk replied. "No, I don't think it can eat souls. I think the man split his soul intentionally and put a piece of it inside this snake."
She shrugged "Whatever, give it here!" Perfectly unperturbed, Starrk threw Nagini to her and watched dispassionately as she caught the snake and bit its head off in one motion. He also noticed that that Voldemort character finally stopped twitching, confirming his theory.
Hermione Granger decided that letting Harry be the sole focus of these monsters wasn't a good thing. She approached the man (he seemed much less prone to violence than his companion), making sure he noticed her and that he made no move to tear her apart. "Hi, I'm Hermione Granger, Mr. Starrk. On behalf of everyone here, I'd like to thank you for getting rid of Voldemort. He was trying to become immortal by splitting his soul several times, committing many murders and other horrible crimes. We'd gotten rid of all the other fragments, but he'd found us out before we could get rid of the last two."
Lilynette noticed as everyone on her side and even some people on the other side nodded in confirmation and gratitude. "So… It looks like we got rid of a huge problem for you humans. That's it! I want a thousand souls as payment."
Starrk frowned as everyone blanched and wands were drawn. Strangely, only by those who seemed to have supported this Voldemort character. He realized that they'd taken away the weapons of their enemies after winning the fight.
Professor McGonagall tried to defuse the situation. She hoped to negotiate, because the little girl (she shuddered at the existence of a species in which the little girls were like that) hadn't tried to slaughter them all yet. "Is there anything else we can offer you?"
Lilynette shrugged. "I'm a Hollow and so is Starrk. We don't really need anything other than some tasty souls to eat. That Voldemort guy was much tastier than normal human souls, too! Hey, Starrk, do you think split souls to us are somewhat like cooked meat to humans?"
Starrk considered that. "I don't know. It may be that these particular humans are tastier. They are able to manipulate some kind of energy through their wands, similar to our spiritual energy manipulation."
Hermione really didn't like this talk of tasty souls from super demons who can apparently use something like magic. "You're wearing clothes, though they're much worn. Maybe we can make you lots of nice outfits?" There were fervent nods all around at this suggestion.
Starrk snorted. Obviously, these people were desperate. In this situation, he should milk them for a lot more. "Clothes? In exchange for keeping your souls? You must think we're stupid."
He would have gone on to demand a few people to take back to Hueco Mundo (really, he'd appreciate more company than just Lilynette) but was rudely interrupted by a bloody fist to the head.
"Ah! Don't mind Starrk, Hermione! He's a total wet blanket, a complete bore! I got sick of wearing these dull grey rags centuries ago!"
Professor McGonagall coughed nervously. "Centuries ago?"
The phrase was passed around with nervous disbelief. Starrk could feel the point approaching when the so-called enemies united in the face of a greater threat.
Blissfully unaware of the tensions brewing, Lilynette plowed on. "Yeah, I've been in these rags forever! Didn't really have anything to compare it to till the first time we visited the living world. But, you guys are the first group that can actually see us! So, where are all the bikinis? You guys have spiritual power, but you're all still dressed in old people clothes. Lame!"
A Death Eater's fanaticism momentarily overcame her fear. "We would never dress like Muggle filth." she spat in hatred.
Starrk winced. On Harry's inquiring look, "She really shouldn't have insulted the bikini. It's the shortest of Lilynette's many short fuses."
Sure enough, the Death Eater who spoke was dangling by her neck as Lilynette shook her in anger while snarling in her face, totally ignoring the terrified audience. "You are an idiot, aren't you? I hate ignorant, spiteful creatures like you! You are so lucky, having an actual sun that showers you with actual warmth and light, and what do you do? You cover up all your skin, not letting that precious sunlight through. That's it! You deserve to rot in the eternal darkness of the dead world!"
With that, the wizards and witches watched, whimpering, as the soul-devouring monster that looked like a harmless child ripped open another of those cracks, which they now realized was an actual portal to the dead world, the great beyond, and shoved the screaming Alecto Carrow in without a second thought.
McGonagall thought fast, trying to prevent any more violence or death. "Well, Miss Lilynette, if you and Mr. Starrk come to my office, I'm sure we can find some nice bikinis for you to wear." She was proud of flinching only a little at the thought.
"The name is Lilynette Gingerbuck! So, it's supposed to be Miss Gingerbuck, isn't it?" This was said with a smirk, as Lilynette frankly enjoyed riling people up.
McGonagall grimaced. "My apologies, Miss Gingerbuck. Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, pleased to make your acquaintance."
Lilynette gasped. "Holy shit, you people summoned us at a school?" She gaped unashamedly at the various children here.
Starrk sighed. Lilynette had always been fascinated with children, as she had died at a young age. Realizing that they'll not be returning to Hueco Mundo anytime soon, he watched Lilynette eagerly follow the Headmistress to her office. He looked around at the followers of the madman who had summoned him.
His tone did not deviate from long-suffering apathy. "So, the crazy guy who summoned a soul-devouring monster from the dead world is obviously on the wrong side of the law, and you idiots are his thugs. Do you want to drop those wands now, or do you need encouragement?"
There was a clatter as the Death Eaters abandoned all thoughts of resistance with the fate of Alecto Carrow still fresh on their minds.
He glanced expectantly at the other side, who finally got the hint and went about rounding up the Death Eaters, still a little shocked at the turnabout.
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In the Headmistress' office, McGonagall was watching bemusedly as Miss Gingerbuck tried on different combinations of lingerie. She was initially shocked at seeing the hole in the center of her stomach, but soon took it in stride under incessant demands to conjure everything from vests and bras to briefs and even G-strings of various colours and textures.
She was somewhat regretting revealing her conjuring skills as she watched the young girl (in appearance, at least) twirl around, covered only by a pair of purple silk knickers that barely qualified. But, she amended to herself, it was reassuring to watch her behaving like a normal young girl.
Until Harry Potter walked into the room.
His yelp startled Lilynette into turning around to face the sound, revealing even more of herself to the rapidly reddening teen. Thankfully, Hermione took it upon herself to cover her best friend's eyes as Coyote Starrk followed the two into the room with a yawn.
Lilynette stared nonplussed at this strange behaviour. "What the hell? Why are you hiding his eyes, girl? Do you think I'm ugly? I'm gonna kill you!"
Starrk moved instantly, restraining Lilynette while somehow managing to get her into the first top he got his hands on, which was a white vest with black trimmings and a high collar.
He spoke over her indignant growls in a calm, methodical voice. "Relax, Lilynette. Remember when I explained the concept of modesty and propriety to you?"
Her reaction was to cross her arms and huff. "Well, it didn't make any sense then, and it doesn't make any sense now, either. You can look as much as you want, human."
Unfortunately, when Hermione had reluctantly lowered her hands, Lilynette had finished examining her new top and was rifling through the selection of bottoms for a matching piece.
Which was on the ground. Behind her.
Starrk grabbed her and turned her upright and around, at the same time holding a pair of white briefs with a black line down the middle in front of her face. "How about this one, then?"
Lilynette stared at him with a narrow-eyed look of suspicion as she took the offered article of clothing. Examining it, she shrugged before reaching down to untie her current pair.
McGonagall whipped out her wand and cast the fastest Obscuration charm of her life.
Lilynette's indignant squeak was accompanied by a gasp from Harry that could be interpreted as one of either relief or frustration.
"Calm down. The Headmistress simply prevented her teenaged student from seeing you in your current state."
"I don't care. Get this stuff out of my face!"
"Have you changed?"
"Yes!"
"Let me see…" Starrk turned his focus to the cloud that was hovering about his other half. The Headmistress had somehow used her spirit power through that wand of hers to turn the natural spirit particles opaque, while also increasing their density to completely obscure Lilynette from sight. Shrugging, he brushed the cloud with a hand, allowing a bit of his own spirit power to overpower and scatter the cloud, revealing that Lilynette had, indeed, changed into the white ones that covered certain parts much better, at least in comparison to what she was wearing before.
Hermione was astonished at this. "You can do magic!"
"Well, duh! Anything you humans do, we can do better!" This was delivered in a distracted voice as Lilynette tried on the matching arm warmers and thigh-high fur-lined boots McGonagall conjured to go with the outfit (and, of course, prevent more instances of unintended exhibitionism).
Hermione and McGonagall glanced speculatively at Lilynette at this statement. Harry's reasons for glancing were quite different. Suffice to say that the new outfit still didn't cover enough.
Lilynette was finally satisfied with her new outfit and glared at Starrk in impatience. "Well? Change into something that matches, idiot!"
Starrk sighed. As the wizard and witches looked on in amazement, a cloud of glowing blue magic coalesced around Starrk. When it settled, the grey rags were gone. In their place was a white jacket outlined in black and loose, flowing white pants that flared as they moved down his legs. The unique outfit was completed with a pair of short white gloves and a matching black sash around his waist.
He looked meaningfully at his other half. "Say goodbye, Lilynette. We'll be going back to Hueco Mundo now."
With a wink at Starrk, Lilynette leaped. The next second, Harry was on the ground with a vivacious Hollow girl straddling his waist. Her victim groaned in a mixture of pain at his sudden fall and other, even less welcome reactions to the position he was in.
Lilynette leaned over his face, her lips inches from his. "Do you want to kiss me goodbye, Harry Potter?"
Harry couldn't help himself. Despite that weird horned helmet and the eye covering, what he could see of her face (not to mention what he saw earlier) was attractive enough to spur him on.
He felt a jolt in his chest as he enjoyed the sensation of her weight on him. But suddenly, there was a feeling of intense cold on his face and before he knew it, he was groping at her in a futile effort for breath.
Hermione was blushing at Harry's daring. His face was hidden from the onlookers by Lilynette, but when she finally let him off, everyone could see Harry's scar bleeding as he lay shivering and gasping.
"What did you do?" Asked Hermione, belatedly remembering that these creatures, though appearing human, were from a world where Dementors were pretty low on the food chain.
Lilynette laughed as Starrk opened up a Garganta back to Hueco Mundo. "A bit too late to ask, but don't worry. Your Harry had a little bit of that crazy Voldemort guy in his forehead. I just took care of it. He was delicious, Starrk. We must search out more crazy humans who have split their souls next time they summon us here in their insane quest to avoid death."
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AN: There you have it, folks. A wacky, humorous and somewhat anti-climactic anecdote of what would happen if Voldemort summoned Starrk in his misguided attempt at intimidation.