Title: Only A Step Away
Author: Sakura Sango
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own it nor do I imply that I do. I am only borrowing the Gravitation characters and world for my fun, only to return them once I have had my fill of them. (Though they may be slightly more wrinkled/torn/disturbed/or whatever else then when I took them.) That means I don't make money off of them- or else I wouldn't write fanfics on free sites- I'd be sitting in a pool of money
Warnings: Angst…Mentionings of death…Angst
Pairings: Implied Yuki/Shuichi
Summary: Shuichi shook his head again refusing to answer. He would never tell. Never explain it to her. Admitting it would just prove that he had taken that final step towards insanity. A fact he would never admit to.
A/N: This came after a couple sleepless nights. I just finally had to get into all into writing. And amazingly after I wrote this down I was able to fall right to sleep.
The ending was mainly cuz I was tired of writing and running into where this could have gone forever. The ending seemed like a perfect place to end it all.
x-x-x-
"So how have you been since that day?"
Shuichi felt a dry laugh die at the edge of his tongue. He could be cruel, he could laugh in her face. Yet he found himself unable to do so. Somehow he just could not become that cruel, even to this inquiring woman.
Instead he rolled to his side on the overstuffed couch, his hands tucking under his head as he thought the question over. Lately his mind had slowed down, thoughts taking longer to process. And even longer to respond.
"I can't sleep anymore."
Yet as he said that Shuichi felt his lids become heavy, slowly closing until his eyes were half lidded. His body slowly loosening to the gentle caresses of fatigue. His mind slowly filling in the sleep filled haze. A yawn threatened to break, one that he was barely able to stifle, his eyes tearing up at the force.
"You seem like you could sleep right now."
This time a laugh did break from the singer's mouth. Slowly he shook his head, eyes staring blankly at the floor between him and the woman across the room.
'What an ugly color of green,' Shuichi mused silently as he tried to keep from thinking too hard about the questions. Thinking always brought memories. Memories brought unconditional pain. Pain that he could not avoid reliving. Pain he wanted to ignore forever, yet it always found him.
"No," he whispered, "I can never cross that final threshold of sleep."
"Why not?"
Shuichi shook his head again refusing to answer. He would never tell. Never explain it to her. Admitting it would just prove that he had taken that final step towards insanity. A fact he would never admit to.
Even if it was true…
The pink haired boy curled up tightly as he lied in the middle of the large bed. He had to sleep, his body was craving it…No demanding it! He was starting to feel the effects from the lack of sleep. His mind was becoming hazy. Already his body was taxing itself, his legs shaking when he tried to stand long enough sing his songs.
Clenching his eyes tightly Shuichi forced his mind to slow down, his racing thoughts to calm to a peaceful ebb. A speed that he could live with, that his mind could voluntarily shut down.
Already he could feel his mind responding, as it slowly began to close off for the night. Each section was turning in for the night as fatigue rubbed her gentle fingers over the boy's mind.
Shuichi felt his breath slow as he felt the final recesses of his mind slip towards that sweet bliss of sleep that he had been lacking for such a long time.
Before he knew it, Shuichi was lost in the recesses of a dream. Blinking he stared before him looking around the theater like room. It was dark, yet he could make out three screens before him. One to the left, one to the right and one right in the middle. Slowly the ones to his left and right flickered to life. And he watched silently as he saw the past. Memories of past events.
To the left he saw all the fun times he had with his band, good and bad times together- they all were fun. To the right he watched the times he had had with Ryuichi, watching how they played together. And how he had helped and hurt his times with Yuki.
Gasping Shuichi turned to the middle screen, that had until that last second remained black. Off to the sides he could see the screens on the sides fade away until he had nothing more then just Yuki in the middle screen. Quickly he saw that pictures run through the events of their life together. The good, the bad, it was all here. He watched from the strange first meeting they had had together. Watched as they made love for the first time. The first fight they had, and second, and third. And all of the making up they had done.
Slowly the pictures slowed as they came closer to the present. Until they slowed to the last time he had seen Yuki. All of the scenery around him faded until he saw nothing more then Yuki's face. Tears flowed freely from Shuichi's eyes as he shook his head. 'No!' He didn't want to see this. He didn't. Once was enough! No more! But no matter how hard he tried, Shuichi could not shut his eyes. Even as his mind screamed for it.
Tears flowed freely as he watched the face of his lover before him. Already he could tell that the man was gone. Sobs convulsed his body as he stared unable to break away. Already the skin was cooling, a death color slowly coming over his beautiful face. And even though he knew it had to be in his mind Shuichi swore he could see the skin sink into the face, making the beautiful face become hollowed out. It had to be fake though, Yuki was a beautiful man. Still the death mask of his lover kept forcing himself into the boy's line of vision. Even looking away did not help.
Gasping Shuichi woke up, sitting straight up in the middle of the bed. Fingers touched at his cheeks as he barely registered the tear trails that were there. Still, sitting wide awake in the dark, he could see Yuki's face. The same vision that always kept him from sleeping.
Pink eyes glanced over at the clock on the small nightstand before the singer groaned burying his head in his arms. It had only been ten minutes. Ten minutes of sleep. And he knew that sleep would come no more, every time he blinked Shuichi still could see that haunting face. Sighing he leaned back, his head banging on the wall as he tried to keep from screaming. Slowly his head banged out a beat, never hitting hard enough to hurt as he tried to clear the image from his mind.
Slowly, numbly he pulled himself out of the bed, feet shuffling towards the large couch. Sleep would be elusive tonight, at least hopefully he would be able to find something mind numbing on the television.
"Well," the woman seemed undisturbed by the silence, "have you begun to go through his things?"
Again his mind had to slowly register the question, breaking it apart to individual words before putting them back together. Sighing he rolled back onto his back, an arm thrown over his forehead, the other resting on his stomach. His left foot tapped a beat that the rest of his body was not allowed to know.
"Too early."
"It's been a month Shuichi. You should at least go through some of the stuff. I mean he is never going to come-"
"Yeah he's gone forever. I know. I know." Shuichi interrupted. He really did not want to listen to the same speech again. "Too early," he stated again. "I already went through his office to find the stupid will. What else do you want me to do? I did that much. It should be enough." Anger flashed through his words.
As quickly as the flash of anger had come, it deflated away. Emotions were just too tiring anymore for the singer. Quietly, almost inaudibly, Shuichi repeated, "it should be enough."
Shuichi stared at the closed door of Yuki's office. Since the week of the novelist's passing, the singer had refused to enter that room. He could never force himself to do so. But now he had to. The lawyer told him to.
To see if there was a recent will. The only one he had was one that had been made up before Shuichi had come into his life. And if there was no recent ones then the apartment, the car, everything of Yuki's would be gone. Shuichi would no longer have anything to remember Yuki by.
He had to! He had to find the will. He knew there was a recent one, they had just got them made. And the only place it could be was in here.
Tears fell from his eyes as Shuichi shook his head, he couldn't do this! Yet still he found his hand resting on the cool knob. Slowly he turned it, tugging the door open. If he had been smart he would have taken Hiro up on the offer to look for it. He knew that his friend would be careful, not mess up the room while looking. Yet Shuichi couldn't bring himself to dial his friend's number.
Slowly he looked around, realizing that he had somehow made it to the middle of the room. Eyes swept around the sparsely decorated room. Off to the left was a bookshelf filled with books, most of them research for his stories. Shuichi shook his head, Yuki would have never thrown such a document up there. He, Shuichi himself, may have done that; but not Yuki.
That meant the only place to look was…his desk.
Turning Shuichi numbly made it towards the wooden desk. Tears still flowed freely as he sat down in the desk chair, his hands curled up tightly in his lap. Before him he stared at the computer, there was a half written novel on there, Shuichi knew there was. Yuki had been working on it until his…
Shuichi shook his head, unable to bring himself to say the word.
Ignoring the computer, and the urge to read the novel on it, the pink haired boy carefully opened the center drawer, only to shut it just as quickly, nothing but pens and pencils were there.
Slowly he began the next one, carefully going through the papers- making sure to never mess the drawer up. He wanted to keep everything here the same. Just minus one piece of paper.
It had taken nearly an hour to finally find the document that he needed. And by that time Shuichi had fallen completely numb, the tears on his cheeks long since dried as he clutched the yellow envelope close to his chest. Silently he had sat on the couch waiting for the lawyer to come and take the documents.
That had been the last time he had been in that room, keeping it closed off from everyone. He had even refused to enter it when Yuki's publicist had asked to be able to retrieve the half written novel. She had wanted to be able to make it available to all the mourning fans out there. That had been the time Shuichi had to have Hiro go into the room. He just could not force himself too.
"Well," now the therapist was starting to wonder about the silence, but decided to try to turn it around. "Tell me what you feel right now." She put her pen and pad to the side, folding her hands in her lap as she waited. "What do you miss the most?"
Shuichi thought about the question his mind immediately turning towards one word. Yuki! He missed Yuki the most. Yet his mouth did not follow his mind's answer.
"I…I miss hearing his voice." Suddenly Shuichi sat up on the couch, his hands gripped the couch tightly, nails scratching at the smooth fabric. Whimpering slightly Shuichi brought his left hand up to his head, fingers tangling in the messed up pink hair as he tried to clear his racing thoughts. Already he could feel his heart speed at the confession.
"I can't remember his voice anymore! I mean I can still see him. But even sometimes that's fuzzy. But I have pictures and when I look at the pictures I can see him again. The memories of our times together is still there. But not his voice. Why?"
Hysteric pink eyes stared at the calm woman on the other side of the room. Silently they begged for an answer.
"It's your mind healing." She stated smoothly, making sure to keep her voice calming. "It's what happens when your mind begins to heal. It's normal and it's a good thing. Even if you don't think it is."
Shuichi shook his head silently as tears that had been building up finally fell over the dam. Sobs racked his body as his left hand untwisted from the pink strands to cover his mouth.
"I don't want to heal then if it means forgetting his voice. There's recordings I know but it's not the same! It's not like how he would talk to me. I miss hearing his voice. Even right now I can't remember it. If you were to ask me now how it sounded, I wouldn't be able to remember. To tell you!"
The sudden outburst suddenly faded away as Shuichi his energy drain. His voice dropped to a whisper while his eyes glossed over again, all emotion fading away. "I just want to hear him…"
Fingers ghosted his lips as Shuichi felt his mind calm again, his eyes unfocused on the floor again.
"I can't remember the feel of his lips on me either." Shuichi whispered, more to himself. "I mean I can remember his lips on mine. But not anywhere else." Fingers ghosted his neck as Shuichi shook his head, "not here." The long digits brushed against his collar bone, "or here. Especially not here."
Slowly his fingers repeated their caress on his collar bone, hoping to elicit a response. Yuki had been excited once when he had found that to be one of Shuichi's 'spots.' His body would react quickly to any light touch there. And now it was one of the deadest spots on his body.
"I just want to be like how I was the day after he…" Shuichi broke off again, unable to finish his sentence. "I want that numbness back," he muttered to himself, forgetting for a second about the other person in the room. "It felt great when I was just numb. There was no pain, no hurt. It all felt the same."
All the strength left Shuichi as he fell back onto the couch, his right arm trapped oddly under his body, yet glossed eyes didn't realize it was there. The elbow poking oddly at his side. His left hanging limply off the side of the couch. His right leg had fallen off of the couch, dangling limply off the side; while his left remained on the soft fabric, twisted oddly. Pink hair fell across the tear stained cheeks, covering the boy's eyes like a veil.
Shuichi had been pacing the silent apartment, arms crossed tightly around his stomach. His eyes remained unfocused of where he was going or where his destination was. All he could think of was how lonely he was going to be now.
No more Yuki. Not anymore since the doctors told him yesterday that his lover would never be coming home with him again.
But there was no pain. No hurt. Even as the thought of how Yuki was never returning. There was nothing.
It still felt like a horrible nightmare, as if he would wake up soon. Wake up and find Yuki curled up in the bed. And when Shuichi cried and told of the horrible dream, Yuki would kick him out of the bed with a muttered, 'idiot.' Something that the singer would relish.
But the nails that were digging into his palm told him that this was no dream. The pain was becoming too intense for that. Dreams didn't hurt. That's why you could fall and sprain an ankle and still keep running. Dreams never had pain. So did that mean that this wasn't a dream?
That thought snapped Shuichi from his daze to find himself staring at the refrigerator before him. Maybe he should eat. It was noon and he had not eaten anything for almost twenty four hours. And he was getting a little hungry. Gripping the handle Shuichi pulled the door open, blankly staring ahead.
'Oh yeah,' he thought slowly, 'yesterday was Yuki's day for shopping.'
The nearly empty refrigerator stared back at him as Shuichi tried to find something that his body would eat. His mind slowly loosing its grip on reality again as the singer felt himself shifting away from the food before him.
He remembered the first time he had tried to cook a meal for him and Yuki. It was going to be a surprise. One that just did not work out right. He still had to laugh at what had happened.
Yuki stood before the stove, which was still occasionally bellowing puffs of dark black smoke, blond hair fell before his face as his golden eyes narrowed slightly at the boy before him.
"No stove! No oven! No cooking! What part did you not understand?" Yuki whispered, never letting his voice raise higher then the whispered tones. Though those tones always affected Shuichi more then what yelling ever could.
Hanging his head even further Shuichi stared at his toes, trying desperately to get the floor beneath him to swallow him alive. He rather be anywhere besides standing here knowing Yuki was upset with him. No…more worried then upset- even if he never admitted it.
Yuki's left hand was barely still holding onto the fire extinguisher, his fingers wrapped loosely around the handle. The deep red container swung lightly from side to side as the novelist waited for the answer.
"But Yuuuuukiiii," the pink haired singer felt his heart drop. It was supposed to be a special surprise! A meal cooked by him for the two of them to share. But somehow it had gone wrong. "I just wanted to make a special dinner for you. Because you were working so hard."
Sighing Yuki placed the extinguisher on the counter, his eyes slowly softening until a light glare remained in them. "Just because I say I love to eat you doesn't mean I want you to cook yourself." Glancing over his shoulder Yuki sighed before turning towards the door. "Do something through the microwave next time, it's less deadly."
Shuichi smiled as he turned back towards the pantry determined to find something to fix in the microwave for them to eat. He would make a special dinner for the two of them, even if it was not as romantic as he had hoped for.
Shuichi stared at the open fridge. He had been standing here reminiscing about the past and had not even thought of anything to eat. Suddenly nothing sounded good. Shutting the door he stared at the freezer wondering if it was even worth opening.
Silently he turned away and started his shuffling walk out of the kitchen, it wasn't worth looking around. He really wasn't that hungry. He could wait a little longer.
Sitting on the couch Shuichi reached over and flicked the television on. Colors danced across the screen as Shuichi turned it towards cartoons. He needed something mind numbing to stare at, and cartoons seemed the best. Silently he sat and stared at the screen never once seeing what was actually on.
He just never felt the urge to care about anything. He felt numb from head to toe, as if each part of his body was just barely hanging on, dead weight that would never move freely again.
And even if it scared him about how all of his emotions had left, Shuichi had to admit that there was a part of him that actually craved this. There was no heart wrenching pain. Back before this had happened when Shuichi had tried to imagine himself alone forever it always hurt him beyond belief. Even their stupid small fights hurt him immensely. So he had expected that when Yuki was gone forever, that he would be an emotional wreck, something damaged beyond repair, never able to smile ever again. He could only imagine himself wrapped up on the floor in a tight ball crying forever without ever being able to stop.
But this feeling…There was no hurt. Nothing at all. A smile crossed the singer's voice as he fell over to his side on the couch, his arms still hugging his stomach tightly. Yes, this he could live with.
At the funeral he stood staring at the casket unmoving. All around him people cried; he remember seeing Tohma crying- he had been surprised by that sight. He could even remember seeing Hiro crying, an act that made him wonder why?
Why were people who barely knew him crying?
And why the hell could he not get the stupid tears to fall from his eyes! He even tried to force himself too, willing himself to just cry at least one tear. A tear that others could see!
But still nothing came out. Instead he stood and stared as he listened to the words that others said about Yuki. Some of it Shuichi could agree with, while other parts he wondered just who they were talking about. That was not his Yuki!
But he could not find the strength or energy to interrupt and tell them just how wrong they were! Instead all he could do was stare at the casket, his arms wrapped tightly around his stomach and listen to the droning voices.
Shuichi pulled his arm out from under him, wrapping them around his stomach tightly. Why couldn't he go back to that wonderful numbness again?
Again the therapist was at a lost. How could she help if he never opened up. Sighing she picked up the pad of paper to scribble a few notes to herself, for when she went over his file again.
Silently she glanced up at the clock, a sad sigh falling from her rosy lips as she noticed that time was up. Another day, another appointment and still no real progress.
Slowly she stood, placing a hand on the broken boy. "Shuichi," she whispered softly, as if to make sure to not frighten the boy, "our time is up. But if want to talk just call me anytime and I'll find the time for you."
She didn't remark about the progress they had made, or how she felt the visit had gone good. Shuichi always argued about what a waste it had been when she tried. Instead she tried to offer herself to the grieving boy.
Shuichi nodded numbly as he slowly stood, shaking off the hand that the woman offered. Breathing deeply he closed his eyes, his back perfectly straight. His lungs protested against the amount of air Shuichi was breathing, as he counted silently.
After five large gulps of air, Shuichi breathing in again, this time holding his breath as he tried to push everything back. Slowly he gathered the scattered memories and feelings that had broken out during this visit. Gathering each and every one- he checked several times- Shuichi carefully put them back into the drawer that he kept them locked in.
Slowly his eyes opened again, as he felt himself lighter. Back to the way he felt before he came. A bright smile crossed Shuichi's face as his eyes lightened up again. "Thank you again!" He called out before tugging open the door.
Out in the waiting room Hiro looked up from the old magazine that he had been flipping through to kill time. His eyes lightened at Shuichi's face as he tossed the magazine back onto the low table. Smiling back he raised a hand before turning towards the door.
"I'll get pulled up to the front door. Come out when you're done." Without another glance or word the red head walked out of the empty office.
"You know," the therapist spoke quietly, her hand on Shuichi's thin shoulder, "it's not healthy to keep it all bottled in. No one will blame you if you cry every now and then."
Another smile broke from Shuichi as he stared at the closed door. "I know," his voice was quiet but strong. "But when I get sad everyone worries about me. At least this way they don't worry so much. And I don't feel bad for hurting them again and again."
Turning back, Shuichi gave one last bright smile before walking out. But no matter how bright his smile was, he could not hide the pain and hurt that lived in his eyes.
x-x-x-
Uhm sorry if that totally depressed anyone. Tissues and hugs to anyone who needs them after reading this!