Disclaimer: Not at all mine and I'm certainly not making any money from it. I'm just borrowing the characters to have a little fun.

A/N: I started writing this soon after finishing Both or Neither, wrote a few scenes and then ... it sat on a memory stick for years before I picked it up again. I hope the cut isn't too noticeable, but it probably is. (And that's not even the only mistake I made in writing this fic, still hopefully it's readable.)

This is part of the Both or Neither universe, but can be read on its own. It only covers events among the Fleshlings, but if you want to keep track of the timeline Jesse has been on Ishara for a few months at the start of this fic and most of the events in the next part of the series (working title Flight of the Ice Bird, but will probably be posted as Fire or Ice) will run paralell to the later chapters of it, with the story lines of the humans and the Outriders once again coming together at the end of Fire or Ice.

CROSSROADS

Chapter 1: December

"No!" Saber slammed his fist down on the desk hard enough to send his commander's orange juice splashing over the rim of its glass. "You can't do this!"

"I know it isn't a perfect solution, but the political situation forces us to replace Ramrod or cancel the project entirely." Commander Eagle explained gently.

A small voice in Saber's head reminded him that the situation really didn't merit such a reaction. A less forgiving man than Commander Eagle would probably have kicked him out of the meeting for his behaviour.

"Hey boss, calm down." Fireball sounded surprised, but amused.

This was completely unlike Saber and he knew it. He needed to get a grip on his emotions, push them away as he usually did, but lately that was getting harder and harder and his heart was hammering, fists clenching all on their own. He felt like he couldn't possibly relax those cramped muscles ever again, like he couldn't even breathe anymore.

Sitting became an impossible restriction and he jumped up.

"I think we'd better postpone this, Commander." Colt spoke up unexpectedly and sounding unusually serious. What was going on? Normally he left the discussions to Saber and Fireball only cutting in where his expertise would prove useful. "We've had a hard week and really need a rest."

"The decision stands anyway." Commander Eagle nodded at Fireball bypassing Saber's authority. "I'll give you your new orders tomorrow."

"No!" Saber yelled again and threw himself at the Commander, but Colt reacted in time to catch him and hold him back.

It was almost as if the cowboy had expected the sudden attack when even Saber had never thought it possible only a moment ago.

Fireball joined Colt's efforts less than a second later and Saber's struggles reduced. Now all he was trying to do was shake them off, no longer to attack the commander. All of a sudden he just wanted to get out of here, to be alone.

"Saber?" Fireball asked sounding confused. "Hey, what's wrong?"

It took him a moment to realise what had his friend so concerned: He was shaking all over.

"Leave him, partner." Colt advised. "He'll be okay. Commander, I think you might want to consider giving that new mission to a fresh team and allowing us a few days to recover. Or maybe a quiet patrol ..."

Saber didn't hear an answer, but maybe Commander Eagle had responded non-verbally. He couldn't see him anymore. He'd had to lower his head, to hide the tears that were brimming in his eyes, because he couldn't hold them back any longer.

Colt kept a hand on his shoulder as they walked back to Fireball's car, steering him around any obstacles that his tear-blind eyes might have missed.

"What's wrong with him, Colt?" April's voice came from somewhere to the right, but seemingly very far away. He'd completely forgotten that she was there, but then he didn't really care right now. He just wanted to be alone and cry.

"Later." Colt returned. "Just get in the car. We need to take him home. Some sleep will probably help a lot."

Apparently April took the front seat next to Fireball as Colt guided Saber into the back and slipped in after him. Saber curled up in the back trying not to sob too loudly.

"Shh, it's okay." Colt rubbed his back.

It was oddly comforting.

As soon as they reached Ramrod Saber retreated into his bed.

Fireball wanted to follow him into the room, but Colt held him back.

"No, let him cry himself out," he advised and nodded towards the kitchen.

"What's so important about this mission?" April asked while mechanically starting the coffee machine.

"Nothing," Colt answered flopping into his usual chair. "This has nothing to do with the mission at all."

"Then what?" Fireball asked. "I've never seen him like this. No even after Lily."

"You mean you really didn't see this coming?" Colt sighed. "It's been building up for a long time. I knew he had to break down sooner or later."

"Break down from what?" April demanded. "There was nothing special about this mission."

"Emotional overload," Colt explained. "Didn't you ever notice how he just kept burying away his feelings and never let them out? Now it's just become too much and they're coming out whether he wants to let them or not."

"And you think he'll be okay after a good night's sleep?" April sounded doubtful.

Fireball looked frightened. He relied on Saber's strength too much.

"He'll be better once he's cried himself to exhaustion and then slept it off," Colt explained. "Whether he'll be emotionally stable, I can't say. In the long run it'll probably be better if he isn't."

"What?" Fireball exclaimed. "How can you say that?"

"Because, well, just think about it: If he feels okay again, what will he do?"

"Go back to the way everything was before?" Fireball suggested hopefully.

"Exactly," Colt confirmed. "And start bottling it all up again until the next time he breaks."

"So what would you have us do?" April asked. "Admit him to a mental institution?"

"If that'll help him," Colt said. "He should at least see a professional and if he isn't okay tomorrow, we might be able to convince him to get help of his own accord."

"I've got a better idea." April grinned, happy again now that she had found a solution. "I'll just call Daddy. He can order a medical check-up. Especially after what he saw today."

They left Saber alone until after dinner, but then decided that he needed to eat as well. Due to his newly discovered psychological talents Colt was unanimously elected to play nurse.

"Hey boss, feeling better now?" Colt asked when he entered with the food tray trying to make it sound as casual as possible.

Saber was lying on his back on the bed no longer crying, but his face still wet with tears. He turned his head to look at Colt, but didn't answer the question. Maybe he didn't trust his voice, or maybe he just wasn't sure what to say.

"Well, you definitely look like you're feeling better," Colt decided. "April thought you should have some dinner." He nodded towards the tray. "But you don't have to come out, if you don't feel like it, yet."

"Thanks." Saber's voice sounded empty and tired, but he didn't seem to mind Colt's presence.

Colt took it as an invitation to sit on the bed.

Saber slowly sat up and regarded the food without much interest.

"Has the Commander sent our new orders, yet?" he asked still in that empty tone.

"No, but you're expected at the medical centre for a psychological assessment tomorrow morning," Colt answered as if that were an everyday occurrence. "I think he might want to see the results before deciding on our next mission."

"I really messed up there, didn't I?" Saber admitted hesitantly. "I don't know what he must be thinking of me now."

"He's just worried about you," Colt explained. "He likes you, you know."

"Maybe he did before, but now ..." Saber was playing with his food as an excuse not to look at Colt.

"He still does," Colt insisted. "He's just worried."

"I attacked him."

"You didn't mean to and I'm sure he knows that."

"Are you?" Saber sighed. "Colt, I have no idea why I did that. I don't know what's happening to me."

"I do." Colt stated just as calmly as before.

Saber finally looked at him. "Well?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" Colt hesitated. "It might be better if you hear it from a professional tomorrow."

"That bad?" Saber's eyes returned to the food.

"I don't know, if it's bad," Colt admitted. "I guess that depends on how hard you'll find it to ... change."

"Change?" Saber was looking at him again. A small success. "Change what?"

"That damn stiff attitude of yours," Colt laughed and gave him a slight push.

"What stiff attitude?" Saber looked just a little indignant and Colt's heart made a tiny jump of joy. He was going to be alright!

"The way you never talk to us," he explained. "That's really all that's wrong with you, you know. If you'd just start letting people in a little, you'd be fine."

"What do you mean I don't talk to you?" Saber asked startled. "We talk all the time."

"Yes, we talk. About my girlfriend troubles and Fireball's temper and April's worries over her weight and spending too much on the latest fashions. But you always just listen. You never really tell us what worries you."

"There's nothing you can help me with," Saber explained. "And I've always been able to deal with it just fine."

"And now it's crushing you," Colt stated. "Maybe we can't help you any more than you can help me stop tangling with every girl I meet, or Fireball get rid of his temper, or April stop spending too much money shopping, but we can listen to your problems, just like you listen to ours. And once in a while you can take your feelings out on us, before you do it on a commanding officer. It'll save us some trouble."

"I can handle my feelings," Saber insisted.

And he told the very same thing to the psychologist the next morning.

"Only if you deal with them," the old man returned. "But you don't. You've shut them away and separated them from the rest of you to a point that borders on schizophrenia."

Saber actually jumped at that. It was like a kick to his stomach. If that was the man's diagnosis it meant the end of his career. Cavalry Command had no room for people with mental illnesses. It just couldn't afford it.

"If you don't start working on acknowledging and confronting your feelings, this will happen again, Saber," the doctor continued watching it all sink in. "And it will only happen more and more frequently in time."

Saber lowered his head and didn't say anything. What could he say? Commander Eagle was going to believe whatever this man told him. He wouldn't have sent him to this particular doctor, if he didn't trust his expertise.

"I'd like to keep you here for a few days at least," the doctor decided finally. "And I'd like to talk to your team before I make a final decision on your further treatment after that."

Saber nodded his agreement in defeat. If he didn't stay voluntarily, Commander Eagle would probably have him admitted by force and then he definitely wouldn't get out any time soon.

Saber sat on the bed in his hopefully temporary "room" hugging his knees and glaring at the padded walls miserably. He didn't think they'd locked the door, at least. According to the nurse he'd only been put here, because they didn't have any other rooms free.

"We had to lend some out to the burns ward after that fire in town last week," she'd explained. "They weren't equipped for that many casualties."

The burns ward was three floors down from here, but then the ward above it was the quarantine station and if that was in use it was probably considered too risky to put the burns patients near the quarantined ones.

He didn't remember what was on the other floor between them. Maybe it was unsuitable for burns patients as well, or maybe they'd borrowed rooms from several other wards. He shouldn't worry about it so much.

"Hey boss, how're ya feeling?" Colt stood in the door.

"Okay." Apparently they really hadn't locked him in as Colt was obviously alone and must have let himself in.

It was a relief and Saber wondered why he hadn't thought to just try the door, if it had been such a big issue. Then again, he hadn't even realised it had been so important to him. What was going on with him?

"Really?" Colt asked more seriously glancing around.

"I guess so," Saber returned. "Apparently they've lent out all their other rooms." he added.

"Intimidating, huh?"

"I guess so," Saber said again. "But then hospital rooms always are a little discomforting."

"Would you honestly like it better, if it weren't white?" Colt clearly didn't expect him to.

He shrugged. No, the problem were the padded walls and the gnawing fear that they might be there for a very good reason, but he couldn't tell Colt that he was afraid that he might really be losing his mind, so he said nothing.

"Funny to walk on," Colt commented. "You shouldn't even need a bed in here. You could sleep right on the floor as soft as it is."

"I think I prefer the bed, thank you very much."

"Aw, you have no spirit of adventure," Colt complained. "This room's wasted on you really. It'd be a great playground for children."

He hopped about laughing, then let himself drop into a wall.

"Do you think it's soundproof?" he asked then.

"What?"

"Well, it doesn't seem to have an echo at all."

"Soft surfaces swallow sound, while blank walls reflect it," Saber reminded him. "I guess sound wouldn't carry outside easily, but they've probably got a microphone or two in here." Another spooky thought.

"Bugs?" Colt didn't look all that happy with it either.

"They'd have to supervise the patients in here somehow," Saber pointed out. "Especially the ones they'd normally put into a cell like this."

Would they have hidden cameras in here as well? They didn't have any reason to watch him, though, did they?

He had to distract himself, think of something else.

"Where are Fireball and April?" he asked Colt. "I sort of expected they'd come with you."

"Still talking to your doctor, I think," Colt shrugged. "He wanted to speak with each of us separately and I went first."

"What do you think of him?"

"Who, Fireball?"

"No, the doctor."

"Well, he's a doctor," Colt stated. "I don't like those stuck up studied fellows. For a stuck up studied fellow he's quite nice, though. Seems to know his stuff."

"I hate him," Saber admitted to his own surprise.

"Oh?" Colt made casually. "Why?"

Saber shrugged. "I don't know. I just want to get as far away from him as possible."

Colt laughed. "Are you sure that's the doctor and not the hospital?"

Well, now that he thought about it ...

"It's okay to be scared, you know," Colt said. "Nobody likes hospitals."

"But I have nothing to be scared of," Saber returned. "I'm not having surgery, they're not going to diagnose me with a terminal illness here, they won't even give me any medication."

"Just makes you wonder even more what they actually are going to do with you, doesn't it?"

Just how did Colt know all that?

"Maybe," he admitted with a sigh.

Colt smiled triumphantly at him. "I'll take that as a yes."

Just great.

"It's only for two or three days, though," Colt confirmed. "Then they'll let you go home."

"If the doctor so pleases," Saber amended. "What if he prefers to keep me here?"

"What for?" Colt asked. "You said yourself that they're short on rooms and you've got us to watch you for any further symptoms. Which aren't likely to occur while you're attending therapy sessions anyway. And those are his words, not mine."

"Commander Eagle might want him to keep me."

"Eagle wants us working," Colt snorted. "And you are able to work. He'll probably have us sorting other people's reports for months, though."

"He could give you a replacement team leader," Saber said. "Or send you on patrol without me. Fireball can lead a simple mission as long as it doesn't require Ramrod to go into challenge phase and how often do we do that now that the Outriders are gone?"

"The doctor wants us here with you," Colt stated. "He's even considering group therapy."

"Not seriously!" Please no!

"Not very, but he is," Colt admitted. "He wants us to be here to support you, so we're not going off planet any time soon."

"And on planet you won't need Ramrod. You've got your plane and Fireball his car. There are probably lots of engineering projects that could use April's help, or you could teach at the Academy again."

"And you've got Steed and are a better teacher than either of us anyway."

"I'm not sure, Sir," the psychologist told Commander Eagle. "Of course it would be best for Saber, if he got used to talking to his friends rather than me from the start, but we also have to consider the possible consequences for the team."

"Do you think they'd be capable of taking over such a large part of the treatment?" Commander Eagle asked. "They're not trained for it. In fact April is the only one I'm sure has had any training in psychology at all. That was only the basic Academy course, though and she showed very little aptitude for it." In fact she'd almost failed her final exams because of that very subject.

"That's not required," the doctor assured him. "All they'll have to do is prompt him to talk about his feelings and insist, if he tries to avoid answering. I can train them to do that."

"What is the problem with that course of action then?" Commander Eagle asked. "I know Colt can be very irresponsible, but he does care about his friends a lot and the other two are very reliable. If you tell them that it's important, you can be sure they'll do it."

"I'm not worried about Saber's treatment and even less about Colt," the doctor explained. "In fact Colt seems to have a much better understanding of the situation than April. I seriously doubt that he really hasn't had any psychological training at all."

"Oh I never meant to say he didn't. I just don't know what kind of training he has had as he never attended the Star Sheriff Academy."

"Colt knows what Saber needs and I'm quite convinced that he can and will take an important part in this," the doctor stated. "What I'm worried about is the effect on the other team members. April, I think, will be a little insecure about it at first. She understands what Saber needs from her, I believe, but isn't sure she knows how to do it. It might take her a while to adapt to the situation, but she ought to get used to it once she learns how to act around Saber. The one I'm really worried about is Fireball, though. I'm not sure whether he can deal with the situation at all."

"Fireball?" Commander Eagle repeated surprised. "Fireball is very impulsive, but I doubt he'd have a problem with helping his friend out. I always got the impression that he was Saber's closest friend."

"He admires Saber a lot, idolises him," the doctor agreed. "A little too much, in fact, if you ask me. He refuses to accept that Saber isn't perfect, or might need his help. Having to accept that might shake his own confidence to the point that he could require therapy as well, and I don't have to tell you what that might do to the team as a whole. For Fireball it would be best to either transfer him to another team or replace Saber. Saber however needs the support of his friends. Replacing him on the team would be the worst possible thing to do and taking one of his team members away because of his condition would cause him to feel guilty. He also wouldn't trust a new team member with his feelings as easily as his old friends, so that person would be an obstacle to his treatment."

"So what would be the result of keeping Saber at the hospital?" Eagle asked after a moment of pensive silence.

"It would probably make all of them, except perhaps Colt, view the situation as more serious, maybe even more serious than it actually is. Saber would be frightened. Colt believes that I've already scared him more than is good for him. We don't want people to think that we consider him dangerously insane."

"Definitely not!" Eagle exclaimed.

"Colt would be mad at me for scaring Saber and keeping him from the people who can help him most. April would be relieved to have more time to learn how to cope with the situation."

"But what about Fireball?" Commander Eagle asked. "From what you said before I got the impression that he was the reason that you don't want to send Saber home now."

"That's the actual problem. On one hand it would give me more time to slowly coax Fireball into accepting the situation, which increases the chances that he will be able to deal with it, on the other it will make it appear like Saber's problem is much more serious than if I sent him home after the first assessment and that is likely to scare Fireball even more. It's hard to predict which of the two effects will be stronger."

Commander Eagle nodded and fell silent. When the doctor opened his mouth to say something however he lifted his hand to stop him.

"No, let me think this through first," was all he said before returning to several more minutes of silence.

"So keeping Saber at the hospital would have disadvantages for everybody, compared to one possible advantage," he said finally. "And we can't even tell whether Fireball might not be able to handle it after all, if Saber is released right now?"

The doctor nodded. "If he doesn't, it will have serious repercussions for the entire team, though. Perhaps to the point that they will no longer be reliable at all."

That would mean that he'd have to train an entirely new and inexperienced Ramrod team. The robot was too important to risk on a team that didn't function perfectly together and in challenge phase teamwork was the most decisive factor for its efficiency.

Then again now that the Outriders were defeated was the perfect time to train a new team. As their ultimate weapon Ramrod wasn't really needed anymore and its revolutionary technology and superior abilities might be more efficiently used in scientific rather than military missions.

A more scientifically oriented team – April as an engineer might enjoy such a new field of application for her talents, but Saber would be wasted on it and Colt and Fireball detrimental to the purpose. Saber was predominately a soldier despite his scientific interests, though he could function as computer specialist and pilot for the team. Maybe it would do him good to switch into a less stressful field much as Eagle hated the thought of losing such a promising young officer. A gunner and additional pilot wouldn't be needed, though. Instead the team should have experts for Cosmography and Chemistry/Physics.

That was an option he should keep in mind, if things went wrong.

"Release him then," he decided. "Lets trust in Fireball's ability to cope for now and keep an eye on the situation. If you see that he can't manage, tell me and I will arrange the necessary reassignments."

"It will hurt them all to know they failed to cope with the problem then."

"That's why I won't tell them. I will give them good reasons for reassigning Ramrod to a different team and Fireball will be separated from them, because his qualifications will be needed elsewhere." Eagle smiled. "They'll be sad to say good-bye, but can continue to be friends over a distance."

Saber returned to Ramrod after three days at the hospital.

"Relieved they let you out?" Colt welcomed him as he entered the kitchen.

"It's more comfortable to be home," Saber allowed.

"Oh, admit it you were scared out of your mind that they'd keep you," Colt teased. "You practically told me so already."

"I was not," Saber denied.

"Saber isn't scared of anything, right boss?" Fireball laughed.

"Yes, he is," Colt insisted.

"Is not," argued Fireball.

"Everybody is afraid of something," stated April. "Though not necessarily hospitals, Colt."

"Yes, but he was afraid," Colt said once again.

"Was not," Fireball repeated.

"Enough," Saber finally stepped in. "Colt's exaggerating as usual, but I did indeed mention to him that I was worried that Commander Eagle might take my breakdown more seriously than it was and insist I remain at the hospital."

"So what?" April asked. "What'd be so bad about a few more days at the hospital?"

"He can't keep you guys hanging around the base without anything to do indefinitely," Saber pointed out. "He'd have had to replace me and send you off on a new mission. ... And I would have missed you." he added almost inaudibly.

"Talking about missions, our new assignments arrived this morning," Fireball remembered. "And you're not going to like them."

"Why?" April asked alarmed. "They aren't really replacing Saber, are they?"

"No, but we're not going out together either," Fireball said sadly.

"That was obvious from the start," Saber commented. "I've still got therapy sessions twice a week so I have to stay on the planet."

Fireball nodded. "Ramrod's going into the hangar for a mayor systems maintenance and several upgrades," he reported. "April will supervise that, of course, and the rest of us will spend the next year teaching at the Academy again."

"Teaching?" Colt laughed. "So what's a turbo-brain like you supposed to teach?"

"I," Fireball announced proudly. "Will be giving Driving lessons."

"You do realise that that means preparing snotty fifteen year old nitwits for their driving licence exams, don't you?" April took him down a notch. "No wild racing."

"It'll still be a lot more fun than Colt's job," Fireball grinned. "And just imagine all those pretty fifteen year old women."

"With spots all over them," April sniffed.

"What will I be teaching then?" Colt asked. "Gun Safety again most likely. That might not be overly fun, but I will have you know that it's an extremely important and responsible position."

"Actually you've been promoted to actual Shooting teacher," Fireball admitted. "But you'll have to take over Basic Psychology as well. I suppose they must be really desperate. I didn't even know you were qualified."

"I'm not, but you learn something new all the time."

"I think you are qualified," April stated. "You were great with Saber. I wouldn't have known how to react at all."

"Just don't use me as teaching material for your classes," Saber joked.

"Don't worry. I expect there'll be a course book to go by," Colt grinned.

"And what will I be doing?" Saber asked Fireball. "Fencing lessons?"

Fireball winced. "I'm afraid not."

"That was a joke, Fireball," Saber explained wondering whether his friends knew that he'd been ordered to hand in all his weapons. "There aren't many students interested in fencing. It'd probably amount to one or two hours of work a week. Hardly a full time job."

"Your job's really boring, though," Fireball said in an apologetic tone. "Weapons Theory and History of Strategy. Who'll be interested in that?"

"Very few people at the Academy," Saber agreed. "But there's a reason they are mandatory classes. The cadets might not like them now, but they'll find that they become quite useful in an emergency later in their careers. Both can be vital, if you need to come up with a new strategy quickly."

Still somebody had very carefully picked quiet and purely theoretical courses for him. Usually those were taught by older or crippled Sheriffs who were no longer fit for active duty. There certainly couldn't be a shortage of qualified teachers.

"Weapons Theory?" Fireball commented doubtfully.

"It covers what you can do with a weapon as well as the mechanical principles behind its construction. An attentive student will be able to come up with unusual applications for his weapons as well as perform simple repairs and modifications on them when necessary," Saber returned. "You're not a mechanic, Fireball, but I've seen you tinker with your turbo often enough. That's the same principle."